scubasnake

I'm sorry --- maybe I shouldn't be jumping in here, but I just have to ask -- are you guys (DN and tigerlily) really saying that keeping a huge secret like an affair from your significant other is a good idea? I'm not sure I agree with that at all. I also had an unfortunate encounter this summer and ended up "confessing" it to my husband the next day. It may have been partly to clear my conscience (although as GettingOverIt said, it certainly didn't make ME feel any better), but I think it was more out of respect to my husband. He deserved to know what happened and what a poor decision I had made. He needed to have all the facts in order to decide what he wanted to do, if anything. While this might sound like shifting the burden to him, I don't believe it is -- either one of us can still make a decision regarding our marriage. I think it would have been much worse had I kept it a secret and he found out from someone else at a later date. By being upfront with him about the situation, I was showing him (or at least trying to show him) that I knew I had made a mistake and wasn't trying to hide it from him and carry on some secret relationship. I've since asked him if he would have preferred not knowing and if I was wrong in telling him. He response was that although it did hurt him, he was glad I respected and trusted him enough to own up to what I did and not try to hide it. He feels he would've sensed that something was amiss, even had I not told him, and it would've been torture for him to not know for sure what had happened or was going on. I know that if the situations were reversed, I'd want to know. Ignorance, in my case, would NOT be bliss. Maybe that's just me.

To be honest martyj, I don't know why anyone would say they might come back and they want a break unless they're really confused and want some time to think things over. the only thing you can really do for her (but mainly for you) is give her space to make up her mind. either way, life will go on -- has to go on -- for you. i may be somewhat of a pessimist, but plan on her not coming back and life your life accordingly -- if she decides to return, you'll end up with a pleasant surprise. If not, you'll have a 'new' life to worry about. Best of luck to you -- i know how you feel.

hi martyj, i wish i had some advice for you, but i really don't. i'm in a similar situation -- waiting to see if someone will decide they want to come back or not, and i can empathize with you on how the waiting is hell. for my own sanity, i'm going to attempt to move on with life. not sure how though. i figure if i can move on, i'm in a win-win situation -- i'll be fine if he doesn't decide to be with me, and if he does, i'll be in a much better mind to evaluate the situation at that point. maybe the same will work for you. good luck! hopefully 2005 will bring good things.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like torture. You need to drop this guy -- he's not worth your time and heartache (as hard as that sounds). Time to focus on you and what you can do with your life to make yourself happy and move on. If he decides he's really interested, he'll come back to you. For now, take care of yourself.

I'm in a pickle now and feel lost..... Married for almost 14 years (together 17), 2 kids (3 and 5) -- lately feeling that I married too young (22, husband was 26). I've been feeling vaguely unhappy with my marriage for years now... 7 or so... thought we just needed to shake things up a bit and get out of our rut so we had kids. While they provided a distraction for a while (and still do), the unhappy feeling is still there. I guess it's the same old story... I love my husband - like a good friend or brother. Not "in love" anymore. I'm going to counseling in an attempt to identify what's "missing" or "wrong" and see if my marriage can be saved, but to be honest, my heart's not in it. In fact, my heart now belongs to someone else. This summer, I met an old co-worker/friend for lunch. We've known each other for over a decade and have always had what I thought was a solid friendship. Nothing more. I always had a slight secret crush on this man, but never let him know since I was married, he was always involved with someone, and he never seemed interested. We met for lunch a couple times, and he began to confide in me -- problems he was having with his current live-in gf of over 4 years. I felt flattered that he'd value my opinion enough to share such information and tried to give him helpful advice... Then he drops the bomb that he's had a crush on me since the day we met. I was (emotionally)swept away. A fantasy come true. We ended up meeting again and things got physical (momentarily) until I realized I was physically cheating on my husband -- something I never thought I'd do. Since then, I've fallen completely, totally in love with this man and have told him how I feel. No physical contact since the one occurrence. Now he's told me that although he has feelings for me (he's never called them "love"), he wants to work out issues on his end with his gf. What do I do now? I'm in love with someone I can't have, and married to someone I don't love in a romantic sense. I know it never works to leave one person for another, and I was going to try and evaluate my marriage on it's own merits without consideration to any potential with this other man, but how do I deal with the heartbreak I'm feeling? Especially since my husband knows I'm not happy but isn't aware that the other guy is playing such a large part? I'm distraught at being so stupid as to allow a good friendship to be ruined by something that evidently didn't mean anything to this other man. Or if it did mean something, it certainly didn't mean a lot or enough. If I could go back in time, I'd stop what happened and keep our friendship, but now I've lost my heart, my friendship, my marriage, and a huge amount of self worth. I'm lost.... any thoughts or advice would be appreciated...