I find myself at a crossroad in life that if I don't find an answer, I may never find peace within myself.
This has all come about because I love her very much, my life means very little without her, she is ten years my senior and has seven children, three at home still, which I love as my own.
I have left her more than twice staying with friends for a couple days not knowing how to deal with the arguments we had, I would always return home though and apologize, for leaving and not understanding.
The first time I moved away though, about two years into our relationship, I didn't start talking to her again for a month and half. I told myself that it didn't matter how I was treated and that the changes were for the best, I loved her and I would not leave again. I told her that I loved her and promised I would never leave again.
From that point forward I changed my ways, quit drinking, went back to college to finish a second degree in computer science, and tried everything to make her happy. I was unsuccessful in one thing though, unable to remember to fulfill her needs to feel connected as lovers, and this started about six months into our relationship.
I told her I loved her everyday and kissed her ten times more than that, so she would know that I loved her, yet I wasn't able to remember to satisfy her more than once a week and that was usually because she would get upset, because I would forget.
When we did make love though it was wonderful and we both knew it. To this day I still don't know why I had a problem, I have ideas but nothing that can be figured out without being with her. A year went by since I had returned, with still no change in my problem of remembering. She was hurt again because I forgot again, and I know midterms aren't excuses, but I felt more pressure than I had ever felt in my life when she got upset with me that night.
I broke down, thinking she didn't love me, she ran upstairs and I ran outside. I shook all night long on the couch, and looking back I'm sure she cried all night long. The next morning, she came down the stairs and yelled "I'm not going to fill sorry for you", I took off my engagement ring, placed it on the bookshelf and ran out of the house in tears.
I denied my love for her for six months, and she moved on to someone else, after being very hurt that I left, after a couple months. I called her up when I figured out I could never quit loving her, and we had talked about everything, every night for anther six months. Then I could not take it any more, her being with someone else, I denied my love again, and tried to move on. I can't stop loving her, she is my best friend and true love, and I can't think of her any other way.
I want her to be happy in life, I just still hope.
She told me today that she will always love me, but I hurt her too much, and she knows she can trust me in everything, except to be in a relationship.
So, I find myself looking into my past, as I have done many times before, searching for answers and question to find myself and recover what I have lost.
Is there anyone out there that has an answer or should I just give up?