wantTOkillMYSELF

can someone tell me why i keep wanting to see my friend without his shirt? I feel bad about it, and everytime we're alone I want to see him without it and ''feel around''. Im not gay... i dont think....but why do i keep wanting to see his body?Am i jelous? (that just dont seem like thats it becuz if i am then what would wanting to see him have to dowith it?) I havent actually "seen him" just touched his belly and chest a little bit but never looked. You think maybe thats why, cuz i never actually seen it? He's cut and sorta muscular, and ive never seen anyone like that, and he has a lot different body build than I do. Could that be what it is? or do you think maybe its something else... cuz i may go over there tomorrow and in a way i dont want to because I dont wanna be there wanting to see him again.... help!

im 13 years old.... i cant buy wax products etc etc.....and im always too depressed to do anything... before i was depressed i could do all of this. and i wasnt really fat, i was sorta muscular then, ive been workin out since i was 10 and ive been depressed for about a year and havent felt like doing anything! all of that muscle turned into fat......

I cant help it, I just want to die... I have no one.... all of my friends are backstabbers except one... and he lies to me a lot and makes me feel bad by the things he does. I hate my body, I'm fat and I hate how much hair I have on my chest and stomach, and its coming in on my back, im only 13... it has driven me into depression and almost to the point of ending it all. I think I'm jelous of my friend because he's cut and tan and doesn't have any hair on him at all..... (except his head) and hes 14. I cant go to the pool or take my shirt off or anything anywhere I go, I can't go to the beach anymore or dress out in gym... It's hurting me just writing about it. Why is my friend so lucky? now i hate him too.... I dont have any brothers or sisters (well i do but they are older and married) and never have anything to talk to my parents about because they just zone me out. I hardly ever get to talk to my one TRUE friend because hes always in trouble for picking on his twin sister because she has a growth problem. And it makes me mad because he does so bad in school but all he's worried about it buildign his body and muscles and getting tan and all.... He came over yesterday and talked to me and he was changing in front of me and it made me feel so terrible. Then he sat down and started saying how bad he couldnt wait until this summer to go to the pool and show off in front of all the girls and stuff and my heart broke right there.... and i started crying, and I NEVER cry.... especially in front of another guy. So i laid down on the couch and went to sleep. It hurts so bad - i feel so lonely and I cant ever do anythin to have fun, and I hate being jelous of my friend and hating him because he has something good. No matter who i'm friends with its always the same - i get jelous. I cut myself once, but almost passed out because when i see my own blood it freaks me out. I had a gun 3 times... but that just didnt seem like the right thing to do. I am a churchgoing person and I know that I shouldnt kill myself. But i really need some help because I always want to die for these reasons. please... someone.... anyone.... help.....

yes, people do experiment a lot - i did when i was young too. It was great and i would never take it back but just be careful. Just go a little farther each time you two are alone and sooner or later you'll get there.

yeah - i know how that is... i wear pants in the summer time, and sometiems long sleeves in 100 degree weather.... its terrible

thanks finch , you're right.... just thinking about it makes me feel stupid for wanting to commit suicide........ did i mention my mother is a very well known cosmetologist?

.. i feel a little better... i just hope tomorrow isnt bad too, i mean after all , it is friday....... ive tried to shave it but you can still see it, plus it sux to do that every day ... (god i feel sorry for girls) .... I think there is hope afterall....... is waxing expensive? Any ideas on how to "talk to someone " about this? I cant talk to my parents, already tried and they made me cry......

thanks sunfire....... but, I know IF i go to school tomorrow, things are just going to end up the same again, and I'm going to hate everyone including myself..... Do you think I should wax for a while until I'm a little older? My family isn't hairry.... I dont know why I'm so much different..... I don't want to continue this lifestyle of hating my friends and treating them bad because of how "I" feel.

I don't remember posting on here before about this... sorry. But how am I supposed to get it waxed? Or electrolysis? Electrolosys is very expense right? Does anyone know about waxing? and plus im only 15 years old...... gosh this is killing me.

I am SO GLAD that I found this forum.... this is my last hope, and I hope some of you will take the time and can perhaps help me. Sorry for this being so long but I'm just going to get it all out. I am so close to commiting suicide. I can't stand life anymore! There are so many things bothering me. I am always depressed. My best friend and I fight almost everyday now and we're starting to grow apart. He's the only thing I have left. The root of the problem started in 6th grade- which was about 3 years ago since I am in 9th right now. I was recruited on an international american soccer team to travel around the world to play. The excitement and thrill was unbelievable. On the first day of practice we were deviding up into teams and we did "shirts and skins" and I was on the skins team...... I do not take my shirt off - Bottom line. (I'll tell you why I don't do "skins" in a minute) Anyways, I had to quit the team because of this. A great once in a life time experience had gone to waste..... in the summer, I was drafted onto an AAU 14 and under basketball team for Oakhill Academy. This was even more amazing to me than the soccer and basketball is my favorite thing. BUT, when we got into practice... we devided into teams and...... same problem as in soccer. This has happened to me so much and I can't stand it because I'm missing out on so much in my life and at such a young age. I'm not living out my childhood or having fun. I'm always depressed....... my friend invited me to the lake with him at least 100 times over the last 3 summer's and I won't go... even thought I want to more than anything.... and I haven't went to the pool or either. I just sit at home EVERY SINGLE DAY wanting to die because I hate myself. The reason why I won't do any of this is because - I have sorta hairry legs, arms, forearms, its on my stomach and chest, and now its coming on my back....... its awful! But I don't know what I can do about it. People would make fun of me and I'm not comfortable about this. It's making me miss out on everything, I won't even change clothes with my friends in gym class. *back up top about fighting with my friend* My best friend doesn't have any of these problems and I just haven't found it in me to talk to him. He's smooth everywhere, hes the perfect weight, you can see where he's kind of "cut". But I'm not. I'm not fat though, im 180 lbs , 6'2. When I see him out doing all of the things that I could be doing ... it kills me and makes me mad at him. It makes me jelous because he goes around and tries to suck up to everyone and all of the teachers, and all he wants is to be popular and that is NOT important. Its just STUPID. I can not even talk to anyone because everytime I do I start feeling this way and want to die. So no one really remembers the "real me" from 5th grade. It makes me mad because I feel like he's ignoring me in this way. I've talked to him about it before.... I really truly think that everything would be ok if I could just do somethign about the hair problem. I'm not confident at all anymore - this is eating away at me,I tried talking to my mom about it one time and she made fun of me. I wrote a suicide note today and left it in my locker that I was goign to kill myself tonight (my best firend shares that locker with me). I just want to live my life... and be normal and not have to worry about things like this. Next summer I want to be able to go to the pool and lake with my friends. I know it may not be a big deal to some of you but it is to me and I don't want to miss out on anything else. Please... I need some help. Tonight may be my last night.