shellysue

OK, I'm probably a lot older than you, so I'm going to give you some GREAT advice... Go out with your friends, make yourself look pretty as if you're always on your way out to a date or somewhere fun, join a club, start a new hobby, take some extra dance or art or mechanics classes!! Just go out there and fill your time with great things to do. And when you see him, bump into him or whatever ... say a cheery 'Hi! Wow, I'd love to chat for a minute but I'm so busy/have friends waiting/just can't'. That will make you a more attractive person. It will certainly make him realise that you have a life OUTSIDE of him, that you're not pining for him and crying at home waiting for him to call. Guys REALLY don't like that. AND it will make you feel much more positive about yourself. You may even find that you stop missing him so much! Worth a try?

Actually, I have to agree here. Towards the end of my marriage, I still loved my husband dearly but not in a 'romantic'way. He was like my best friend but once those intimate feelings were gone, I couldnt look at him as a lover any more. However, as I still loved him, we still had a close bond and this was confusing for both of us. Even after I moved out, he would come round to see me and the kids and call me 'honey' and 'darling' and try hold my hand, hold me etc. I was frustrated that he couldnt seem to move on, yet I loved him enough as a friend not to want to hurt him. It did take quite a while for us both to adjust and it helped when I moved to another town 4 hours away. This distance gave us the opportunity to start separating our lives and find more of a respectable balance in our relationship. I can assure you that your ex is probably feeling just as confused as you are, but sadly from what you've written, it appears that even though she still cares for you deeply (and obviously doesnt want to hurt you), she is no longer actually in love with you. I hope you can both move on and that it all works out for you both.

Thank you for your comments and support. Its much appreciated.

Hi, I'm a newbie but have seen some of the great advice given ... hope someone can share some of it with me too. I'm with a man I adore. We don't live together but have been talking about it recently. When we met 2 years ago, we fell in love but we were both married (unhappily) so we couldnt really do anything at the time. When we found out at around the same time that we'd both left our spouses, we got together. Its been a really rocky road -he has many issues -but the last few months have been fantastic, and we've become extremely close. The added surprise of me falling pregnant a few months ago had us a bit thrown at first but we're both very happy about it. The problem here is that he was in an extremely abusive marriage for 7 years. His wife was very violent and although they've been apart for over a year, she still attacks him on a regular basis, even in front of their kids. They have two young children together (I have three from my marriage) and he was adamant he wanted to stay in the marriage for their sake, but eventually it became too much and he did leave. She also cheated on him 10+ times. Although I know he no longer wants to be with her and is very happy to be out of the marriage, I feel strongly that they are still emotionally entangled with each other, unhealthily so if she is still violent when she sees him. He has even gone as far as to lie to her about our relationship to avoid enraging her and also because he said he didnt want to hurt her feelings. His marriage left him both terrified of commitment and with very low self-esteem (she verbally abused him in front of other people as well). She still has a certain degree of control over him and uses the children for this (he has informal custody of the children and she regularly threatens to remove them and take them overseas because of his relationship with me, which has caused lots of problems). Losing his children is his biggest fear and she uses this weapon very well. I've now suggested that they go for family counselling to deal with these issues and also to work out adequate child access arrangements, and they start next week. But I've also now said that, as much as I love him, I'm going to step out of the equation while he gets this sorted out. I can't bear the thought of our child one day witnessing these attacks and I hate feeling that I am constantly in her shadow ... my life and his revolves around her whims and demands and he gives in to her, and because of this I fear I will start to lose respect for him, even though I know how difficult it is and how abrasive and aggressive she is when she doesnt get her own way. He is very hurt that I'm doing this, even though I've explained that when he's ready and more emotionally available, I will be waiting for him. I know he loves me deeply and is happy with me. I'm devastated and miss him so deeply. I feel that I have done the right thing but it really hurts. An outside opinion would be so appreciated, in case I've completely lost my head here and am being an idiot. Thanks.