Snowdog70

a little over 2 years ago my ex of 8 years broke up with me, she told me she didn't have romantic feelings for me and wanted to date to find out her feelings, and search for "the one". She told me she wanted everything between us to remain the same, just no sex or intimacy. During the following months we still saw each other, still spent time together, and she even let me hold her still, but in May we agreed on no contact for 3 months, during that time she went on a trip(she was also planning on moving away) to Florida, to look around, she had a friend email me to find out how I was doing, I replied saying I wanted nothing to do with her anymore and wanted her out of my life, she replied when she saw my reply to her friend, and said she was moving, etc. etc.(she broke the NC rule after less than 2 months) The next day we got together and talked, from that point on we went places together and spent time together, she let me hold her and at times seemed to get close. 1 day I told her she was scared and she freaked out. Whenever I talked of moving on she would say "you'll never find anyone like me", or "I just want to go on a few dates and see how it goes, maybe I won't like it", and once even said "I don't want to get back together because when I move it will be like you are breaking up with me again" she said on 2 occasions that I broke up, and I didn't, she said it was a slip. Forward to her moving, she moved Nov. 2002, and came back for xmas, we got close at that time. She was looking for work here, and said if she didn't have a job by march she would come back. She found a job but kept in constant contact, I went to see her in July and we spent every day together, she made love to me 3x and we got back together, then around october she blocked me on AIM, contact was less, and I was beginning to think she was dating someone(this was all after I told her to just move back and marry me, and she said "you have to understand when i marry you I am marrying my best friend"), then she came home for xmas and said "we are just friends again, I would have a hard time moving back", the next day we made love, I proposed and she said she has no romantic feelings for me, wants to be friends and is happy in Fl now, so she made love to me 2 more times and on her last day here she would tell me I should move there and that she loves me etc. From my bday in Jan on there was little contact, she told me she was dating different people. March she started to call once a week every week, email detailed responses. I was planning to go there in April, but she said to wait until May, she was moving out and I could stay with her, she didn't move and I went at the end of May. I got there and she called me around 2pm to see how my progress was on getting there, I was already there, and I later learned she took a 1/2 day of work. when she came to the hotel, she asked if i came down hoping we would get togehter, I said yes, she said that will not happen at all, and I said "your seeing someone aren't you?" she said she doesn't consider him her boyfriend, but he is 44(she is 28 ) has lots of issues, 2 kids 2 divorces and she has told him they have no future, she said they just go out and have fun, I said "yeah i bet lots of fun" and she said "yes" she knew I meant sleeping together. she told me she has no romantic feelings for him or me and is looking for the one that will give her those feelings. We went for a walk I said nothing to her and stayed away, she acted as if all was fine and when she dropped me off she asked if I wanted to do anything tomorrow, I told her to call the next day. She called and I said no, that it isn't appropriate for her to see her ex BF, when she has one, that I need to move on etc. So after we hung up I called her later that night and told her I lost all respect for her and was disappointed in her, I said if she had feelings for this guy it would be different, but she turned into everything she hated, and went against what she always said, I told her I fell her feelings for me are deeper and stronger than she will admit, and that she is afraid of them for some reason. she claims to not have given any sign or signals, yet when I said she called me once a week she denied it, to the point of saying she would check her cell bill, I asked her about the affectionate Easter card, where she drew hearts, and used stamps that said I love you, she said that was a friendly card, and that she draws hearts for everyone, and the stamps are what they gave her(yet when I saw her room she had flag stamps), I told her she knows my feelings and how I would take that. the next day I missed her a lot and gave in, I called her and asked her if she wanted to do anything, she said she can't because she made plans with this gay man who is helping her to buy a place. She said she is all stressed out over all this with me, and I told her if I stress her out then she needs to examine that. Monday we went to the zoo, she loves the zoo, and yet it was clear she hadn't been there since I was there last year, then after she said she was hungry for shrimp and she hasn't had shrimp since I was there last year(a favorite of hers), the next dinner we went to a place we both like, yet she didn't remember which way to go to get there, and the final dinner was a place she always wanted to go to but never had a chance too. my final day there she let me hold her and even turned and leaned back into me, we went on a boat ride(she loves that as well) yet she made it a point to say she was on it last with her friend Sharon aver a year ago, then talking about a different ride it sounded like she was on this one, and she made it a point to say "I haven't been on that one, we saw it when we were coming back on the other boat". If she is dating or seeing this guy where are they taking her? McDonalds. Also when I asked the mans name she said "what does it matter" then paused and said Rex, one day leaving her place I saw a video place with a big sign that said "rex", I also looked in her room and saw nothing from another man, no signs of anyone, other than me, I saw her calander and it had when I was coming and leaving, but no other mans name, nothing, no bday for another, no pictures nothing. so our final 1/2 hour she got antsy, sat down on a bench and she was fidgeting and seemed to want to say something, then by the cars I was holding her and I tried a kiss, she started to then stopped, and would not give me another chance, she was fidgety still, and then said "this is weird" and I asked what? she said "it's like you don't want to let me go" I was holding her like I always have in the past, nothing weird, etc. I told her I was happy that she was happy there and she said not really, I asked what would make her happy and she said "to have my cats" I came home, and she called 2 days later, I emailed her b4 that and she said she got the email and "it was the only reason I knew you got home", she then asked about my job (I told her there is a real chance of losing it in oct.). We talked for a while until her phone card ran out, another unusual thing for her, she always used her cell to call me after 9pm, then a couple small emails, nothing big, and no calls. I called her last week and she told me she moved out, something in the past that she would have done right away, but she sent me a fathers day card from the cats(they live with me) and thats where it stands. I'm not sure what to think anymore, sorry for being so long, I tried to keep it short, but got on a roll

You have a good attitude, and your right, if he's around the same age he still may not really know what he wants to do with his life, as far as a career. I was 21 when I decided to go back to school and wasn't really settled with a job until I was 27, I lived with my brother until that age as well. My now ex GF, used to want me to get out of the house and get my own place. she stuck with me for 4 years while I was living there. Unfortunately for us we are no longer together, we are best friends, but we both know that we each have feelings for each other(see my post called opinion needed), problem with us was that she felt she had to "run away" from her parents, and self created problems. My situation is why it really hits a nerve with me when 2 people who know they love each other very much just give up on a relationship. ALL relationships have there ups and downs and the downs are what really bring you closer, think about what you just said that you are getting along so great, think of it this way, you just went through a down period, and now things are looking better, it may not be that your not BF/GF anymore, but that got through this together and are closer. IMO, go out with each other, be friends, be best friends, and let nature take it's course. I will never understand "needing time apart" when the parties involved both know how they feel and how the other feels, and how being apart is more difficult than being together, yet they chose to be apart and cause each otehr grief. It sounds to me you know what to do, just remember COMMUNICATION is the most important thing you can do, and also remember if you are arguing you are NOT communicating, you are trying to force your point and no one is listening(not to say you are, it's just a good point). good luck !!!

I think that if a relationship is a good one, where both people love each other and are happier toghether then BOTH people have to work on it. If you want a relationship with him, and he wants one with you then IMO yes go to him, talk to him and WORK on the relationship. Get couples counseling if you have to. I believe that these days too many people give up on relationships, and some are good relationships, for a number of reasons. They don't want to deal with issues, so they run. They are affraid to get help from an outside party, they think there is someone better out there, and movies, tv and music makes people think that a love relationship should always be "happily ever after". Sorry, it's just my opinion.

Thank you for the reply. Yes it has been very difficult for me. She never mentions her counselor anymore so I am no longer certain if she is getting the help she needs or not. While she lived here she was seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, they both diagnosed her with bipolar, after only a few sessions. Over the years though her and I have both realized she is not BP. The psychologist up here told her that she thought it would be good for her to move away, and IMO that is a cop out, a psychologist telling someone to run away from there problems? Her past issues deal entirely with her parents, they are very religious, and still try to control her life, she has to lie to them and tells them she is going to church, just to avoid an argument. They treat her like a child still and they themselves have a twisted relationship. He treats her mother like a child as well, and controls her, won't even let her work. I know my ex is afraid, she has said it's not me but her, and she is afraid that if we got married we would endd up like them. I have reassured her that we wouldn't. Early in our relationship I asked her to marry me and she said yes, she wore the ring for about 6 months and we both decided it was too early. As time went on neither of our lives were ready for a marriage, and I still believe that it got to where she knew I would ask, so she broke up. Part of the first break up was caused by situations at her job. She was a nanny and the family was having construction, during this time she would always tell me about how the construction workers would flirt and how she thought they were going to ask her out. A few months later is when she broke up, it was shortly after 1 of them tried to force himself on her. She was different for a while after that, and we even spent 2 months apart (was supposed to be 3, but she started contact back up). at the end of the 2 months she had a friend email me to see how I was, I replied to him(knowing she put him up to it) and said I want nothing to do with them ever again, that I have to get on with my life). when she saw this email she emailed me and we saw each otehr the next day. I know she doesn't want me out of her life, I know she is afraid of commitment(1 day I told her she was scared and she flipped out on me, ran off yelling at me to stay away from her). She has told me that how would she know if I am the one since she never dated anyone else, now she claims to have dated, and IMO if she has, it was with a group and not 1 on 1, she doesn't trust men at all, and I do feel lucky that she trusts me. It's a tough situation and I have never stopped loving her but she will be 29 in a few months, and it's time for her to settle, and stop the push/pull. She knows how I feel, and I will not accept that she "loves me like a brother" not after that Easter card. Those stamps have to be requested, they don't give those out. Sorry for anotehr long post. I like to get other perspectives, especially on that card, because all the push/pull has made me leary. I almost forgot, about the issues she has, I meant I won't get into them here, because they are long and would require a lot of explaining.

11 years ago I met my now ex girlfriend. She is about 5 years younger and never really dated anyone. We went out for a little over 8 years and we had a good relationship. Sure it became a routine, but we never really fought at all. 2 years ago she broke up with me, she said she didn't know her feelings, but she "loved me like a brother and wanted to be friends". She has a fear of her parents and wanted to move away(fear from there control). a few months later she moved 1200 miles away. Before she moved I tried to get her back, and she said something odd, she said she doesn't want to get back together because when she moved it would be like I was breaking up with her again, remember SHE broke it off. At Christmas she came up for a visit, she wasn't having luck finding a job, and said she would move back in a few months if she didn't get one. While she was up we spent a lot of time togehter, and even 1 day we almost made love, but didn't. I went to see her July of last year, before then there was constant contact, and affection shown. When I got there, she did make love to me 3 times and we got back toghether. then a few months later she started to get distant, even blocked me on AIM, this was after I told her to just marry me, where she replied with "when I do I want you to understand i will be marrying my best friend". When she came up this past christmas, she was distant, wouldn't kiss me but made love to me again, once before I proposed, when I proposed she said the "I love you like a brother" thing, and then made love to me 2 more times. I should mention she has issues with sex due to past problems that I won't get into. Her last day here, I told her I love her, and she would mumble it back, even give small pecks on the lips back. Now here is where it gets more confusing. My birthday was a few weeks after she left, she told me she would call me on my bday and did, but I didn't answer. I emailed her late the next day and said I got her card and message, I also asked her why she signs her cards with a heart, she doesn't love me. A few weeks later i was chatting with her sister, and said I wanted to meet new people, I wanted to find someone, etc. well later in the week i was chatting with my ex and she told me that she has been casually dating differnet people. I said I was glad and that I could let go of all hope, and she replied saying that they were very casual dates, no one steady and no one in paticular. So I was upset, wrote a ggodbye email, but then I called her on monday, she said she wasn't seeing anyone, and at the end of the call(which I might add she prolonged), I said our pet word for "I love you". she said it back. Then on the friday b4 valentines, she called and said she got my flowers, I got her card which was not romantic at all and she just said in it "we will always be friends". same thing at the end of this call, she responded as well. Then on valentines day I called her, and she never answered, I called her roomate and they said she was out for the evening. I was heart broken. and she never called me back until late sunday night. then at that point she was very distant until the beginning of March, she has now started to call once a week every week, I am going to see her, and she told me if she found a place by may I could stay with her, she hasn't found a place. Before Easter I was thinking of not going to see her, but I got an Easter card from her with stamps that say "I love you" inside the card has 2 birds almost kissing with a heart, it says in a nut shell that her life is happier with a special person like me in it. then a proverb that says "Good people will always be remembered as a blessing" she encircled that with a heart. then thnaked me for a stuffed animal, and the valentines flowers, gave me a $20 gift card, and signed with a heart and her name. so, after seeing that card, she called late on Easter, and at the end I said our pet word again, she giggled and said "bye" I said it again and she said "bye" Now the other day was bad for me, She called me and at the end I said the word again, and again a giggle and "bye" so I said her name and told her I love her, she said "I know" then I said I miss her, and that it's hard, and she said, yes, life is hard. Thats the last I have heard from her, I'll probably talk to her next week. Anyway, in your opinion does she love me still? as you can understand I am afraid to go see her and get back togehter only to have this be a cylce, where she breaks up again. Sorry this was so long, I wanted to give as much info as possible.