1a1a

I’m can’t believe she thought it was even remotely an acceptable thing to come and assault you. 
 

Not getting your side of the story is a bad act but one can come back from that. Attacking you is infinity unacceptable though. Just like our romantic partners unfold the longer we know them, so do friends. And this one is not who you thought she was. It’s a blessing to have this person out of your life even if the mourning period is painful. 

That’s rape. It’s wearing a disguise but it still is. 
 

https://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/another-post-about-rape/

I hope you find the courage to leave this selfish being. 

Thought on one more place you might be able to get them frog Sat, can you connect with your local frog keeping community? In my city there’s a Facebook group for people who keep rats and if I hadn’t been able to leave mine with my parents when I went travelling for work that’s the next place I’d have asked. 

It feels like you lost good things but both these men suck! 
 

Believe what you’re seeing now, that’s the real them. 
 

Im very glad to hear you’re on the mission to find a new dr too, that was a very wise choice. 

A conversation when you’re both face to face and feeling relaxed;

I’ve been struggling with how little contact we’ve had since we went on break. How do you feel about it and would you be up for brainstorming with me ways we can have contact time with our schedules busy as they are now? 
 

See what he says. 

If you can’t meet in meat space much maybe you could do a daily phone call before bed? Even if it’s short, that’s still a thread of connection. 

The repeated installing of cameras in the shower should be all the information you need to know this person will happily harm you. Beware, keep at a very chilly distance. Absolve yourself of any responsibility for his relationships. Scum bag who spies on family deserves broken relationships. 

He’s prioritising his own gratification over building and maintaining emotional and physical intimacy with you, his partner. 
 

Ask yourself, if nothing changes, how long would you stay in this relationship  that’s loving but sexless? 
 

If you tell your fellow it’s really important to you to desire and be desired by your partner and when he tells you ‘I already satisfied myself today you’ll have to get me going’ that couldn’t be further away from a state of mutual desire, this is a problem. Is he willing to try and rekindle his desire to save the relationship? what does he say? 

I like the idea of moving your outdoor hangs either over to the closest park (invite your neighbours) or starting up low key dinner parties at home and inviting the neighbours. 
 

you all get to keep your community and although I don’t advocate for revenge either, she sure will be left out of it.

Your mum sounds like a good candidate for an information diet. 
 

I think in your shoes I’d share nothing of my life at all. If you want to maintain some kind of connection brain storm 3 safe topics you know are things she likes talking about and direct conversations to those when you need to get them away from yourself. The approval you wish they’d give, assume it’s never coming and give it to yourself regularly. (The beauty of being grown up) 

I think the intensity of feeling might be part of it. Why people say hurtful things (they feel hurt), why they move on at warp speed (hurt and also very immature )

Not withstanding the odd person who is just mean, or has a personality disorder. But I reckon even the generally kind and disorder free might behave in hurtful ways when they’re processing their own grief. (Or, they got over the feelings way ahead of you and now they feel nothing and that indifference is painful to come up against. )

Reading through this I think you can love yourself better than this person can. And maybe he does love you in his own way but it’s the wrong way for you to be loved. This path holds only disappointment. As you’ve seen. 
 

If you’re keeping the kid I hope this brings immeasurable joy into your life and you can rally a support network around you and go after this guy for child support at the very minimum. (Better if he’s an active and willing co parent which, sounds like he is open to that). 

He can have a strong reaction to this but he really needs to work it through with someone who isn’t you. Comfort in, dump out. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)#:~:text=The concept consists of a,the person in the center.

How much childcare are you doing? Can you do more? 
 

You’re in a bind for sure but if part of why your partner is not into sex is because her plate is too full with caring for your kids and her body is still sore recovering from delivering your kid, get out of your own head and imagine being in hers for a hot minute. 
 

Also your mileage may vary but I reckon if you quit the masturbating entirely your hunger will decrease. Put a pin in your libido for 6 months until you two are in the swing of being parents to three. 

The drunken violence is part of the package of seeing this guy. I think being alone would be better and hope you drop him like he’s a spiky hedgehog curled up in a tight ball that injures you every time it comes near you.

Why would you frame ending a relationship as being defeated? 
 

Wouldn’t defeat be staying in a relationship that’s a bad fit?

Reading your replies I’m almost convinced nah nah he’s a good egg. We both have to go back to your original post because contained in that is a case study of a partner who’s not good at making you feel safe and loved, who does really selfish things sometimes. (Some of those things are so selfish and harmful, like the sexual coercion, that they should be grounds by themselves to end this union). 
 

Edit to add: and maybe you feel like you have to at least give him a chance to meet your needs, to step up and be a partner in the way you need him to be. So then it is worth having a calm conversation and detailing (no more than) three things you’re struggling with. One could be the birthday date situation. Maybe you tell him it means one thing to you and even so, it means something else to you and it would be reassuring to have him share that information with you. 
 

Another is going to be the sexual coercion. Has this continued to happen through out the whole relationship? That HAS to stop. 100% deal breaker if he doesn’t. 

That first night where he pushed you into unprotected sex could be the deal breaker if you let it. There’s so many times after that he’s trampled your boundaries and made you feel uncomfortable. This is what this guy does.
 

I think this man might be irreparably selfish (maybe also a narcissist). You know you’re face meltingly lonely with him. And as long as you remain committed to him there will be no space in your life or heart for someone actually worthy. I say dump this guy that routinely makes you feel uncomfortable and spend some time alone before easing into being open to the idea of dating again. (And when you do, give guys the litmus test of at least 3 dates without sex. This isn’t to sex shame at all but it really is an effective way to weed out some of the time wasters. )

Pretty sure nothing in porn is there for the female gaze. 

I wonder if having someone listen to you ask for what you need and hear and acknowledge that and work with you to heal the rift triggers a sense of vulnerability (as in, this thing is even more precious than I thought, now the thought of losing it is even more scary. ) Also, you might be grieving for yourself, for all the times in your life the other person didn’t hear you. 

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope 

I recommend against that conversation. What good will come of trying to convince him he’s been behaving in a reprehensible way?

If one was having the best of faith, this relationship should still end because the sexual incompatibility will make you both miserable for the rest of your lives. (But then also you know he will kick down and stomp on your sexual boundaries repeatedly. You don’t have to settle for that, that’s way below the bar of acceptable bare minimum.)

If it turns out that this is insecurity and not maliciousness, would you be the sort of person who enjoys and prefers a phone call at the end of the day? 
 

I’m a texter like your partner and I feel sad when my significant other doesn’t really reciprocate that (and he was really trying, he just isn’t a texter at all). After a while it was him that suggested a daily phone call and once we started doing that my feeling of security and connection was very much improved. 

(Your partner’s openess and willingness to try something else or lack of it will be valuable information too). 
 

As for the 4 hour fights. No more. It takes two to fight. Say once you disagree with his view and you love him and you’re not willing to keep hashing this out right now (offer to come back to it when calm, only if you feel like it). 

Professing love by date 3 is a red flag. He hasn’t seen enough of you to really know you how could he possibly know if he loves you? 
 

That aside sounds like it’s not you, it’s him, not being in a good head space to form a meaningful relationship with someone else. 

DTMFA 

If the opportunity presents itself to you again I think the best way you could assist in this case is by pep talking this boyfriend into having some boundaries (like ‘I love you dearly but this attack is unfair and I’m not going to go and hang out by myself until you can be civil again’)

This sounds awful to watch. (But then think also, the boyfriend is also fulfilling some faulty pattern from childhood by tolerating this). 

Picking at one thread only (and I realise you’ve already come to a decision and hope this can help you feel conviction in it). 
 

Do you want to try and build a life with a person who can’t or won’t let you hash out problems with them?

Eckhart Tolle would say when this thought arises in you ‘my partner said this scandalous thing in front of me’ you have two choices. You can pay attention to it. For sure if you do this more thoughts will follow, chances of them making you feel cheerful are very low. Or you can acknowledge your brain has remembered this event and turn your attention elsewhere, to what you were doing, to your breathing, to what sounds you can hear. Come bring yourself back into the present.