dleif srm

we were dating/seeing each other for a few months. feelings were mutual and seemed to be heading in a nice direction when out of nowhere while i was so happy and enjoying myself, was told he thinks we should be friends. i was pissed b/c at that point he would have no real idea how i am in a serious relationship. i was cut short before he harldy really knew me. throughout that time we continued to hang out and sleep with each other and enjoy company but there was never that g/f b/f title. and well there's the other issue that he was lying about another girl and telling me they were just friends while he was sleeping with me. it was many months later that he confirmed she was his girlfriend and i blew up at him. my feelings for him were pretty strong early on. he claims he was scared to tell me about her for fear of my irrational actions which i can believe. it doesn't change all the hurt that went along wth it. but in the aftermath of the whold disaster we decided to forgive and try to move forward because we have fun together and would at least like to be friends but i truthfully only went along with that in hopes during this time i could show him how i am not the drama/trouble he now thinks of me as. lots of stuff doesn't add up about the other girl. for a while i started to think he just told me one day she was his girl in hopes for me to go away because all we were doing were arguing about her. me asking quesitons and not believing they were just friends. she became the only topic and source of ruining our times together. whatever the case, with her gone, i said let's just put the whole ordeal behind us. this started one year ago. the bad part with the other girl was lasted about 4 months. also, i should note that to even approach the topic of her he gets annoyed and refuses to tell me anything about why they are now broken up. he just says he no longer talks to her and that she left him.

hi all: a quick run down - i am not in No Contact. I am in the "let's be friends" phase. we started out getting to know each other and feelings were there. soon after another girl came along and i was told "i think we should just be friends." thing is, i wasn't told there was another girl and was lied to repeatedly b/c i knew better. during the that time and eventually finding out i acted nuts and scary if you will. jealous rages and the whole desperation thing. fast forward and she is no longer in picture and we are friends which is great to me b/c i thought for sure he'd never speak to me again. ideally: i want him to be able to get back the original feelings he started to have for me. we were only just getting to know each other when she came along. i've been TRYING to play it cool as of late and enjoy whatever contact he gives me. mostly email and i recently went for a weekend visit (many states away) he rarely calls which has been upsetting me. i can't call him b/c he changed number during the "craziness" and apparently for some reason still isn't comfortable with me having it (yet i was in his house??) i am trying to be patient and not freak out on him over th enumber although he knows how upsetting it is to me. basically i am being kept at a distance. understandable. my inner turmoil is wondering does he know inside he's never going to like me in that way again or is he taking it real slow for now and seeing how things go. sometimes i just want to say screw you and walk away but i am in love with him dearly. now this is preemptive - i am fearing he will make no efforts to send a card or possibly even call on my birthday. i k now he won't send a gift (i am not materialistic but symbolically i would love to have something from him to cherish.....ok but i am serious!) if he disappoints me by hurting me on the birthday i am afraid i will just lose my composure and walk away probably telling him how cruel and insensitive he is and then causing a big argument making him not want to talk to me cause i'm a "drag." if i am to get upset (but still love him) should i just keep my mouth shut and go along like no big deal i'm cool or just start No Contact and see if he misses that i am gone. sorry i am babbling on. i just KNOW i am going to hurt or disappointed and could possibly lose it and go off on him. but i have to remember he is in the friends sstage and probably thinks (in OUR case) that sending something would give the wrong idea for now. jeez, even i do walk away i still won't be ok. it will never end. i can't handle this. i love him so much and i know i would make a wonderful girlfriend and he'd be so happily surprised except i think i am now forever having the past held against me and he will never let me in.

when starting no contact do you say goodbye and say to them this is why i have to say goodbye and then proceed to list off the things he or she is doing wrong (ie: you don't seem to want to see what can be, you hardly ever call, i deserve better and i am worth it etc) i ask about no contact in the "hope he'll realize that he let a good one go and start to miss me" realm.... also, is telling someone you now know you don't NEED ( like, i know i acted poorly out of desperation but i realize now i don't need anyone to make me happy, i will be fine on my own if need be) them, although you had hoped for them to enjoy you the way you do them, in essense giving this person the idea that you moved on and then in turn forces them or may make them feel there's no reason in trying.......basically even though you want to appear idependant will it then cause them to be mislead and IF thy had some feelings left deep inside will they think they need to also begin to move on? lastly, on the other side of the coin, say you are in hopes this guy/gal will start to form feelings for you again but you are right now, after a bad parting of ways, coming to the friends again stage.....i know i read a post here to keep converstaion light, never appear needy or sad without them, forget bringing up the relationship and feelings, appear (and hopefully really are) to be busy and having fun and everything's going fine for you......what are the thhoughts on mentioning a date with another guy or implying others have interest in you? should you ever mention that youve started to see other people to the guy you're hoping will like you romantically again?

dear mix master: you have no idea how grateful i am for your assistance and the time you spent helping me and others. you have a wonderful way of presenting all sides so that people can think about things from all angles before reacting poorly for everyone involved and regretting it later. of course i am already in the regrets category wondering if he said he had feelings once can they come back or once someone says "just friends" is that commonly permanent. no worries when you think you say things that are difficult to hear. i need that. there are no conrete answers but there are definitely people here with more experience who are helping to shed light on these difficult times. i guess i am in a confused stage. honestly, i think i do want him in an exculsive relationship. well i mean i want to get there one day. it may not work out but damn i was never given a real shot. i hate feeling like i've already been counted out before he has the SLIGHTEST clue how i am in a relationsip. that's all i want.....the opportunity to explore it and my conflict arises when i am debating in my head 'can he or can't he ever have feelings for me.' next conflict, is he really who i want based on these past issues we've had. the real answser is i don't know for sure but i wanted to find out and what he was saying to me (while the secret girlfriend was around) was that we just wouldn't work out. how can he know!!!! the reason why i am afraid to ask him right now "hey do you think you can ever like me intimately again is it no forever?" is because a) i'm scared if the answer is no then i will walk away and we can't be friends b) it will push him away b/c he'll be thinking i am after something and not really a friend and c) i am thinking my best shot is to help build this friendship back up and maybe he will see, when i am not doing the things that upset him, he may start to feel something more. it's almost as hard as no contact to be holding in all the questions i have. during the weekend while i was heavily thinking about what i should do and what is best, i didn't reply to him immediately like he is used to. when i felt like it, i came here and read to get my mind off it (LOLOLOL) or rather help me with my will power. i hadb't replied to any email since thursday until this evening because he sent a happy easter note. i see, right now, no sense in calling it quits an walking away. my stress if from my impatience and wanting a concrete answer to "can he ever have feelings in that way again...? i guess i'd rather not no for sure just yet as opposed to finding out he says no and then it's all over and we never talk again. in time i will ask or in time maybe it will become apparent but we just started getting along nice during march and spent the weekend in april. as i sit here, i see no point just yet in ignoring him. it will make him on the defensive like waht am i doing wrong everything's a problem to her. i think i will just be happy and ncie for a while. if i see it's going no where to where i'd like i may have to walk away completely. anyway, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU and i am about to go back and read over all that you've wriiten. it's alot so i need to review!! have a beautiful evening. bless your heart! on the other hand: this might be the healthiest approach. like you said i can't force anything and i am me and i like me. if he doesn't, i might as well start getting on now..............

i am considering this "make him miss me" plan of action by the no contact or no initiated contact...BUT we were getting along nice in our conversation and had a great weekend visit. i don't want him to think i am being difficult or immature by out of the blue ignoring him but i also don't want to be so 'there in his face' all the time. in my case, do i say to him "i know i want more, you don't. i think i should walk away" ?? i am sooooooo scared if i walk away that he'll be happy and that's what he truly wants and he was just sticking around being nice to help me repair from the damage he did. i was in extreme duress and turmoil not too long ago.

i am desperate for Mix MAster's help too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! link removed if MM doesn't have the time, allow this reply to simply say thank you MM. you're post is a world of good advice and helped to situate my head a little. i feel like right now is the time where i have to be very careful of my actions as far as a push and pull and i am just driving myself crazy!

well i do thank you for your insights. i honestly think my self esteem is not the issue. i am quite fond of myself actually! i like my looks and such maybe there are other issues that are allowing me to want to look past some of the things he did and forgive (i mean i want forgiveness from him myself. i lied about things too in order to get his attention reverted back to me). i think that comment stemmed from not really understanding why he would say we wouldn't work out when i see it as how can he even really know this? why does he seem uninterested in trying? why can't he realize the fighting and arguing i was doing was in reaction to his other girl and now she is out of the picture and we are getting along nicely. slowly but nicely. i am terribly impatient and trying to work on that. maybe i am fooling myself but i am not so sure that he is truly a dishonest person in general and normal circumstances. i do worry that but if you knew the details, i did make some threats that were scary because i was acting out of desperation. i think he lied because he really felt he had to. whereas if it were a more level-headed situation he would have felt comfortable to say yeah, look she is my girl and you'll have to get over it. i don't know...........thanks though! i do need to work on many things in my own self but i am sad that i am most likely not going to be given the chance to show him how it could be between us. oh shoot: as a side, i am sort of paranoid and there's a part of me that thinks maybe she wasn't even his girlfriend and he was never technically cheating. for a while i thought maybe he just told me that because i woudln't leave him alone about it. i find it hard to believe two people in love that they would be moving in and then all of a sudden she isn't?? he tried to tell me it was becasuse i scared her. i live 1000 miles away. her love and plans were stopped by someone so far away? in the other case scenario, he was in fact cheating, she found out and said see ya...for some reason he refuses to tell me any details about what happened between them and that's what's so suspicious. WHAT A SOAP OPERA!!

dont know if anyone will read this big post... see he was never really my boyfriend. but sure seems we've dealt with a break-up. dating lead to our having feelings for eachother. we live in different cities and were only able to see eachother for a weekend or two every month. over this time of getting to know eachother i was told "my feelings get stronger for you each time we spend more time together." most of our encounters were while he was on the road (for a band) which i travel to see often (even before i knew him) so upon my first weekend visit to his home i got the "i think we should be friends." i was very devastated as i felt cheated. how can he say this, how can he know this when we haven't even begun to truly explore eachother. prior to this weekend we only had one fight which was resolved and he said he admired how i held my ground and my standards. turns out what i suspected was true. another girl came along. i suspected this because my plans to stay with him in some city on an upcoming weekend were cancelled. said his friends were staying with him. it didn't add up and so began the questions and sluething. for months he was telling me they were just friends, it's not my business b/c we were not exclusive and he said he just wants to be friends. still, i knew he was lying about so many things and when asked straight up i was always lied to in my face. we continued along (me hoping him and this girl were really just friends like he says even though i thought otherwise). we continued having sex and hanging out when we could but MOST of it was fighting about this other girl. he continually told me he was single. during this time there was high drama. i was kind of going off the deep end. freaking out on him and acting really scary, pathetic and what have you. let's just say i was doing the kids of things that would almost ensure he'd NEVER EVER want to speak to me again or be my friend. after extreme pressure he told me YES i have a girlfriend and she's moving in. i flipped out big time and insisted i would do everything to make sure she would know he's been cheating on her with me. i don't know her or how to contact her but a message board for the music group he works for with cryptic posts she may have seen possible allowed her to learn of his cheating or he was scared of my threat and told her about himself......... we weren't talking for a little while during this blow-up and when we started again b/c i told him his friendship i value and want to see if we can get that back as we really did enjoy each other's company and have fun. so next i get it out of him that she's now not moving in and he is not dating anyone. i continue along wanting a friendship, saying my apologies for the crazy things i did, telling him regardless of his feelings for me- he still means alot. we start to get along nicely on the phone and email and we have a strong sexual desire between us. to be blunt, i am definitely the best he's had.... i suggest a visit to his home for the weekend even though he is apprehensive that it's too soon. i say it's very important to me to get back those good times we missed out on sharing because of his lying and puching me away about the other girl and that all the visit is is two people having a good time. he worried i would i bring up all the past drama and we'd fight or that i would get the wrong idea and him allowing me there meant more than it was and that he had feelings for me again. (if he ever REALLY did, i am not so sure). i insisted i wouldn't mistake his intentions and that all i care about was us getting back to being comfortable around each other and showing him we can get along, be friends, have fun times and all that good sex stuff too..............(perhaps a bad idea? he knows he can get the milk for free kind of deal??) i went and have recently returned. the visit went great. i used all my strength to not bring up uncomfortable topics that would lead to disagreements. we laughed, had fun, talked about all sorts of nothing, out to eat, shopping, had great sex. now i am sure he knows i still have feelings for him. that was never going to change. but i didn't bring up since the visit questions like "no do you like me again" "do you think you could have feelings ever for me?" i didn't want to scare him off. the only reasons he's ever given me for why he doesn't think we'd work out is that we argue too much. thing is, we've ONLY argued about that other girl. if she never existed there would have been no trouble. i don't know if he sees this and if i point it out it looks like i am TRYING to get him back, or in this case get him in the first place!! during the visit we slept in each others arms. lots of cuddling bodies entwined. if we were walking and i went to hold his hand he didn't push it away. i feared me going and being insulted or disappointed that he didn't act like this. i was pleasantly surpirsed how sweet he was. if it was "just sex" would he have been sleeping with arms around me and holding me? other people told me guys do this as if it has no meaning except part of the "sex act." MY QUESTIONS: do i have any chance of having him see me as a potentially good girlfriend? trust me, i believe we would be great together and i could make him happy. he thinks i am just problems. i am not although i did act like it for a while. can those scenes of despair and desperation be erased from his mind? i am also worried that was never the reason why he didn't like me anymore. maybe he thinks i am not pretty enough and he can get better. now, about his lying...you may say why would you want this guy back? true. i worry a little and i've made clear how utterly disrepectful and worthless he mademe feel for lying to my face so often. on the other hand and i don't blame myself but if you knew me, you would know how he could've felt the need to like it was best and safest to make me think this other girl was just a friend. i wasn't handling rejection very well and was acting failrly psychotic!! where we are now: i want him to like me in an intimate romantic way. i have no idea if in his mind this is all just friends and he knows he will never ever like me in that way. we have been communicating nicely in email and sometimes phone. he remembered i had an job interview after i said it in passing and later that week on the day he wrote that he has a feeling i will do great. this is big to me as not too long ago he was hardly answering any emails. we have one other big issue: his phone number. he changed it during the drama and says he can;t allow himself too be subjected to that kind of dreadful hyseterics. i say but that was over her and she's gone (is she really?). i don't know if he plans to alwys keep his number from me or is it until he feels its ok again for me to have it. if i push it too much he will get mad but at the same time it hurts so bad that he is keeping everything on his terms. i can't call to say hi when i want. only when he wants to. i was in his house having sex but can't call. i sometimes worry he is being fake for the good sex he can occasionally get for me. also, in all our drama, since he was on the road, his friends and co-workers know all about it. would he ever not be embarrassed by me? or will he never want to liek me b/c what they think of me? he is on a long break and essentially off travel work for a year. WHAT IS GOING ON??? i can't ask him just yet or it may make him back off and feel trapped and thus erase the good work we put into having a good time this past weekend. also, just i stop contacting him? would that make him miss what he may have had and missed out on. should i keep it very light and not so always in his face. if i start to ignore him a little won't he just get used to it. PLEASE HELP WITH ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS SCENARIO. I AM SO LOST AND CONFUSED AND IN LOVE. I KNOW WE WOULD BE GREAT TOGETHER can he ever see it or is once someone tells you they just want to be friends and they don't see you working out together it that THE END of it? thank you all. this is a wonderfully helpful place. i've been raeding so much here the past few days.