DancingFool

....Dude, she picked up your meal. She is trying so hard and hitting on you sooo hard. For the love of, stop being so dense and ask her for a date already. If you keep dragging your feet, yeah, she will give up and move on. So sooner rather than later, ok?

On a side note, yes waitresses may be flirty sometimes, but not to this extreme. She IS hitting on you so hard that the only thing left is for her to put a flashing neon sign in your face telling you she likes you and wants a date. *flash flash* ask me out *flash flash*

Come on guy.....lol......

I think that you need to own your concerns, because they are valid.

After 7 years together....what is your relationship goal? Are you looking to get married? Are you looking to just live like roommates? What is happening? Is there a future? Keep in mind, that you don't need marriage to be building a life together as a couple. So I would start with being clear with yourself about what it is that you want and expect from a relationship and then sitting down and talking with him about it in concrete terms and figuring out if you and him are on the same page.

Rather than accusing him of cheating or drifting away, be concrete about what you want and what you expect and hold his actions to it. Don't focus on his words and what he says, but rather focus on what he does post discussion. 

On the financial side note, what your mother meant is be independent of any man financially. She didn't mean "pay off his mortgage while feeling like a guest in his house."

Overall, from what you are describing, it does sound like you and him are drifting apart. Buying a house for himself is fine, buuuut you are his partner, so he should have talked to you about his plans. Telling you that this is your "home" is a bit of a cheap joke if he doesn't act like it. If he wants you to be a part of his life and feel like this is your home too, then yes, how you decorate should include you. Right now, he is acting like "my house, my space, my rules." Sure, technically, you can always argue he has that right, but healthy relationships don't actually work on technicalities and you are feeling that as we speak.

The biggest question you need to ask yourself is why you don't trust him anymore? Don't ask him if he is cheating (if he is, he will never ever admit it) but rather what is going on with your relationship that is driving you to think that. Perhaps, you and him need to shake things up, get out of the routine and reconnect. Unfortunately, could also be the olde "7 year itch" and you need to part ways. If your relationship isn't moving forward, it has to end kind of a thing.

Just now, beatlesfan77 said:

How about a meditation class?  Is that the same as yoga?

Yup, you'll likely find a good mix of women there from all walks of life and ages. Not the same, but usually people who are into yoga tend to also be into meditation. Generalizing here of course. There are always exceptions.

Keep thinking of things you'd like to do, try out and then go do it and see how it goes and what sticks for you.

17 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Tried something this past Friday night and had a setback.  Ended up going to a Meetup with a singles group.  However, I think I arrived too late and I didn't enjoy it at all.  It was at a nightclub outdoors with very loud music as usual.  Couldn't start any conversations with anyone.  Everyone was also in their little cliques.  Then finally there were some ladies competing to see who could dance the sexiest.  I get the feeling that Meetups like that are a competition of sorts.  Bunch of guys walking around like vultures waiting for another woman to walk in and then all attack at once like she's fresh meat.  As you can imagine I didn't stay long. 

I think it was just a matter of bad timing and location for this one.  Going to try again this week and have been looking for possible places to go.  Like you said, it's going to take practice and perseverance.

Yup. Try more just social groups rather than singles groups. Also, in my area hiking groups are full of fit, attractive, single women and people are friendly and easy to talk to, make friends with. Think more about what might interest you and go do it. That's where you might find it much easier to meet and connect with someone who are more like minded.

9 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Out of all of those avenues you talked about, which one seemed to produce the most dates or contacts?

OP, there is no good answer to this question because a lot depends on location and other people going and doing same. So her experience has little bearing on what your experience may be.

Bottom line is that you've become stagnant in your  life and only way forward is to start living and doing things and figuring out what actually works for you personally where you live. You've got to start actively stepping out of your comfort zone and simply trying out new things until you find some success. That means that it will take some practice, patience, and above all perseverance. Yes, it's hard to make yourself go out when you'd rather change into something comfortable and watch your Netflix, buuuut....it's a lonely road. So you make yourself get out, especially when you are feeling lazy. Just do it and keep following through with it.

Once you start getting out more and get more busy, you'll find that inertia isn't all that appealing anymore.

4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

She expends all of her energy to ensure that she appears normal. Her appearance and actions are impeccable. 

Growing up, she never said "I'm the most normal person," but she painted a picture of herself as normal through her criticisms. Recently, like within the last week or so, I realized that I can come up with a list of criticisms she's made of other people that are true about herself. 

"People are going to judge you."

This is the one that I had the revelation about. She used to harp on me about it all the time. She couldn't convince me to care about what other people thought, so then so she harped on me for not caring, "I know you don't care, but people really are going to judge you."

The revalation happened when I was talking to my therapist about it. Suddenly it clicked: How can my mom possibly know what other people are going to think??? Is she fricking God? Is she the standard by which all others measure themselves?

No.

So why does she claim this knowledge? Because she's frickin abnormal and possibly crazy. Normal people don't think things like that.

Here are some others that I can think of off hand. The ones where she says, "I'm not like that" are the ones where you better where a flack jacket if you dare to disagree:

• Your father was passive aggressive. I'm not passive aggressive.
• I hate liars. I never lie.
• You always have to be right.
• You're selfish.
• Joanne is so nosy.
• Your Aunt Mary is so competitive. She wants to be the favorite aunt.

 

Jib, insecure people do this all.the.time. They think about it obsessively. They are constantly judging and measuring themselves against other people, but they judge themselves more harshly than any critic ever could. They live in a self created hell.

So when she sees that you don't care, it drives her crazy. She is jealous of you. She'd love to have your attitude, but she can't. That can lead to a desire to destroy that which she can't have. Thus the constant drip drip drip of "you ARE being judged, you know." In a way, just like you can't understand her psyche, she can't understand yours either. In her mind you should care and that you don't makes you abnormal. 

This is why I said, that if you are not ready to end the relationship, then you NEED to learn to smile and nod and not rub your self confidence in her face. So, "but Jiiiib people wiiiiillll juuuudge you (why aren't you terrified of that like me? I love you but I hate you for that.)" and you go, "Oh mom, yeah it's awful isn't it? Scary what people will do." Validate her bs or at the very least figure out how be more neutral with her and live in peace. 

Different take.

If you want to keep your relationship, then you need to solve the "you can be right or you can be happy" dilemma.

Your mom won't admit to being wrong, so pointing out to her when she is wrong, is both pointless and picking a fight you don't need. Unless it's something imminently harmful to her, you need to learn to step back and leave her be. Smile and nod and learn how to be more neutral with them. The more you can step back and just smile and nod and let them be, the easier your relationship with them will be.

This even goes to your sister's power play over "making" you come visit her. It's only fun because you hate it and show it and argue. Like Lost suggested, take over control by offering and suggesting yourself. It will be like deflating a balloon. Granted, it won't be a one time fix because just like you know them, they know you and know how to push your buttons. Your changed demeanor will get pushed and challenged and it will be challenging for you to learn not to react and stay the course.

Essentially step away from playing by controlling yourself and how you react because that's the only thing you control. 

OP, lots of people in all kinds of professions take more than one time or even two or three to pass licensing exams. There is a reason why people are allowed to take those types of exams multiple times.

Passing exams has NOTHING to do with your intelligence or even knowing your stuff. It's all about understanding what the exam board considers "the correct response or the best response".

On that note, I'd focus on figuring out the test taking aspect of it. Once you get your results, see where you were short on and why. Work on that as well as all the rest.  Test taking is pragmatic rather than emotional. You don't want to be over confident or completely insecure. Aim for the practical middle - prepared and focused.

It's quite possible that since you were getting such high passing results on practice tests, you were over confident and simply not as focused as you should have been. That can cause you to skim and misread questions and therefore choose incorrect answers. Being overly fearful and insecure about the exam can cause the opposite - reading too much and overthinking questions, second guessing answers and again that will lead to failure. Neither of these have anything to do with your actual intelligence, knowledge, or capacity to do the job.

So, regroup and focus on studying up what you need and focus focus focus focus - not just in practice but during the actual exam. 

Ultimately, understand that nobody gives a flying rat's rear end whether you got your license the first time or after 20 tries, so long as you have a license AND can do the job. The only person who really cares about this and is beating yourself up is just you. Stop that. It's not helping you or doing anything for you. Literally no employer cares, no patient cares. Nobody will ever care about it. People will remember you for what you do for them, not how many times it took to pass an exam. 

Come on, change your mindset to "no, losers don't break me". I mean, do you really want to give this kind of power over your life, emotions, and future relationships to disordered narcissistic cheaters?

Absolutely anyone can be cheated on once. However, when you find yourself choosing relationships with narcs, you have to start looking at yourself and why are you making these choices. What is attracting you to these types of people? Also, why are you having such a hard time letting go of someone who is so unworthy of you and your time? Might be time better spent than pining for her.

15 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

Thanks SooSad and Dancing Fool, So I guess if a guy doesn’t contact you (it’s been about 2.5 days) after a first date to forget it.  I believe he is about 40 years old.  Not sure if people still go by the wait 3 days thing. I’m on like 20 different drugs right now, so a bit doped out LOL.

You reached out after your date and showed that you are interested. He was not responsive. So I think you've done what you can, but the interest on his end is just not there. It just happens like that.

Forget about him and please get better and focus on that. Hugs and well wishes.

10 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Five years ago today I was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia. And for four years now I have been in a remission! My last remission was six years let’s keep going!!! 

Wow! That's amazing. Keep on going! You got this in the bag...... or rather in a safe under lock and key. 💪

14 hours ago, Jambalaya421 said:

if sole reason was money and career she was sold, she would be wanting her family with her. grass is greener on the other side for her right now, and if she mentioned you werent romantic enough,,, she was feeling special from someone else.

 

dont even waste your time talking to her about it. start detaching, and hire a private investigator if legal in your state. review phone records if you can and begin the process of accepting divorce as only solution. 99.99% of people who are cheated on, not only can never trust again, but they get cheated on again too.

 

only thing worse for your kids is to see their dad have no self respect and allow himself to be treated so poorly. Do not tell the kids there was an affair, if so. Just play it kind until kids are old enough.

 

Be their rock!!

Agree with everything except for one thing - do not ever lie or gaslight your kids about reasons for the divorce. That will just add to their trauma and they are already dealing with their mother suddenly up and abandoning them all. They NEED one sane stable parent and that parent should not lie to them about what is happening.

Always tell the kids the truth in age appropriate terms. Kids too often blame themselves for their parent's marital issues and so it's critical to explain to them what is happening, that they are not to blame and to also get them some counseling as needed to help them cope.

Also, OP's children are old enough to probably guess at what he is in denial about anyway - mom ran off with or for another man.  Even if the OP doesn't want to talk about it, you can bet your life that their peers and other adults in their life will easily guess at the situation and talk about it. Pretending it isn't so is not going to be helpful to them.

40 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

So here's some history of why I did this.  I gave up on dating where I live 2 years ago and went on this journey to find a foreign woman.  I haven't been treated well since living where I do and the pool is small here.  I couldn't meet quality here.  At 52 and still wanting a family, I'm out of options, basically.  I do regret not pursuing someone in Latin America or Mexico, as I relate to Latin culture so much better.  If I start over again (I can't imagine after the frustrating year and a half of waiting), I will look for a Latin woman.  Dating where I live isn't an option.  I'm trying to move back to Atlanta, but thats not working.  I fear I will be alone indefinitely.

I think you need to work on yourself to step away from this kind of fear. Making decisions based on fear will lead you away from what you so crave and into a lot of big problems. It also taints how you see the world and will definitely leave you acting so desperate that it will scare away women who are healthy.

Your time is not that limited. There are many many woman who are divorced with children or even an ex who is not around who are looking for a good quality relationship and can offer the same to you.

I get if you live in a small town with few options, but if you can move, then work on that and do it and step away from "it will never happen for me". Trust that it will, but do make your choices wisely and never out of fear.

Nothing confusing at all. What you see is what you get and it's not working out for you.

You can't even get along online, typically when people get along the best. It's only going to get worse in person, not better. She is actually being very clear and honest with you about who she is, what she expects and I don't think that will change one bit no matter what friend talks to her about what. She expects you to pay the bills. If she pitches in, it will only be begrudgingly and it will be contentious and you can count on that. 

I'm not against long distance relationships or even international ones and know plenty that have worked out very well. However, under no circumstances can you rush into marriage when you've ONLY spent 20 days in person regardless of distance. It seems almost like the majority of this "relationship" has circled around the pressure to hurry up and get married. You can't do that and it doesn't work like that. On top of that, you can't even seem to get along or see eye to eye on how to live together or even your personalities at large.

In your shoes, I'd call it all off and exit. If you are not ready to call things off, then be honest with her and put things on pause. Let her kid do the exams and pursue his education. Keep in mind that if you and her pursue this marriage and then don't work out - this child will pay the worst price for it. Step back and take the time to actually travel and get to know each other much more in person. Marriage is not a transaction you can do online.

I'm sorry for everything you have to deal with at once.

Unfortunately, given your wife's actions, you do need to speak to a lawyer asap. It doesn't mean that you need to file for a divorce today, but it does mean that you need to get informed on what you need to do to protect yourself and your children financially. Also, how to prevent her from draining accounts, running up debts, etc. If she will up and abandon her family just like that, she is already showing what she is capable of - believe it and focus on the critical self preservation type stuff. You can deal with emotions later. Right now....it's full on self defense mode for you.

Sane normal people don't just up and leave like that and you can pretty much bet your life that there is a "he" there somewhere. 

If you really need to know, then hire a PI and be sure to pay cash so she doesn't get wind of what's going on. Do it quietly and learn the truth. To be frank, the very fact that she would just abandon her family and children like that, complete rejection, is grounds enough for a divorce without any take backs. I know I know....but love.... You can love her from a safe divorced distance and let her prove to you then that she is worth taking back. I doubt that she will. Nobody ever imagines something like this happening to them. I'm sorry again for what you are faced with. Just know that you are not alone and you'll be fine in the end. Just do take practical steps to protect yourself and your family from whatever she is up to. Deal with emotions later.

The thing with cheaters is that they are liars and they lie about everything, especially their relationships. So what she claims about her ex and reality are two different things. The bottom line is that you opted to get involved and that's something you need to sort out within yourself because there are nasty consequences to that.

As for you had a great relationship....sure....but for that pesky cheating thing she was doing when you weren't around. Please realize that the fighting and her calling for a divorce didn't happen out of nowhere. She was already riding the new pony so to speak. For your own sanity, do not kid yourself about that. This is who she is. It's pretty common for cheaters to act weird, pick fights, leave you feeling crazy when the real reason for their behavior is maligning you to justify their cheating. Cheater logic at its finest - I'm stabbing you in the back, but must make it seem like you deserve it.

At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself a simple question - is this acceptable to you? If the answer is yes, then you have no choice but to turn a blind eye. If no, then disengage for good.

You also have a child to consider here and the fact that growing up in this kind of a messy situation is going to cause serious damage. Better to have parents who are divorced and at least one parent who is stable, than two parents in a sham of a marriage where mom is running around with other men and dad is pretending it's not happening. Children are perceptive and do catch on to this stuff more than you realize. 

It's never too late to get your head screwed on straight and start making better decisions for yourself and your child, especially for the child.

3 hours ago, OverTheMoon21 said:

Very true! In my mind, I figured he would have zero reason to lie this time around so we could have the good friendship I had envisioned. He is single, so it goes without saying that he will date, he will have sex, etc. I expect that 100% and it doesn't bother me in the least, and he knows it. So then, why lie? He has way more to lose by lying (as I am now reconsidering the whole friendship thing) than if he told me the truth. I am not fond of people insulting my intelligence, because this is what I feel like he's doing, especially since he's also a very bad liar, you can tell right away when he's making stuff up.

I don't know, maybe he is a compulsive liar and he can't help himself. I no longer want to spend time out of my life trying to figure him out, I have already wasted years doing so. I made up my mind, I will do a slow fade, because clearly my little idealistic picture of this pure, honest friendship is not going to materialize anytime soon.

 

The picture of that pure friendship will never ever happen. He cheated on you and if you are brutally honest with yourself, that still stings and you are still wanting him to validate you, to make you feel like you matter and like he is sorry.

What you are not realizing still is that your entire connection to him, what you think you have in common, the "good" parts, ALL of that is nothing but smoke and mirrors and lies as well. Dig around online and learn more about narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. They all cheat and lie, but also, they are human chameleons. They are brilliant at coming off as charismatic and at mirroring you, your interests, making you feel comfortable despite the fact that you shouldn't be. All of that is a game for them, pure acting and intentional manipulation. Think about it - you know he is a liar and a backstabber and yet you feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts with him. That's some cognitive dissonance going for you.

You are sane, so you think and reason like a sane person. For you 2+2=4. For people like him, 2+2=10. Your first instinct is to assume that he doesn't understand basic math and to try and teach him. Except that he understands math better than you and he is actively playing you. It's you who doesn't understand how this equation leads to 10 because he will lie and mess with you and never disclose the entire equation to you. That's the game. The harder you try to teach him and explain that 2+2=4, the more entertaining for him and yes, he thinks you are a fool for falling into this rabbit hole that he set up for you.

As you go through life, it's critical to learn to identify these types of people and learn how to develop hard boundaries so you don't get sucked into that rabbit hole of trying to fix them or teach them, but rather smile, nod and stay far far away.

Also, examine honestly why you got hooked in this time around or even the first time. You said it yourself - too complacent to seek out better company, which left you lonely, which leaves you vulnerable.

I hope you learn from this so you become more aware and never find yourself in this situation again.

I also like yogi brand ginger tea if you can tolerate drinking liquids when you feel that way.

That's why raw ginger root is better and more instantly effective. Even just chewing on a small piece is enough to alleviate nausea without risk of inducing vomiting. Processed, dried, etc is no longer that good or sometimes not at all. You might get the flavor but may not get the benefits.

I miss the days when I didn't have to drink carbonated water all the time just to calm my stomach down. This started when I got my IUD. My 5 years are up next year. I don't think I will have them put another one in when this one is removed. It sucks being nauseous pretty much every morning and sometimes later in the day too.

Get some fresh ginger root and eat a little bit of it. It will make the nausea go away like a magic wand.

So if the speed limit is 45 please do not be in the fast lane going 30.

OMG, don't get me started. Around here you see this on the highway. Speed limit 70, someone is going 40 in the fast lane. I can't figure out if they are high or deliberately hoping to cause an accident for insurance money. Either way, why don't cops give these people tickets for reckless driving???? Talk about a dangerous speed bump on the road.

Annoying -being scammed by a reputable children's magazine company. Scam = I did a risk free trial for X number of issues. They promised no charge to my credit card until I received X issues. To be very careful I cancelled after receiving X-1 issues only to discover that two days earlier they'd charged me for the entire subscription amount - not inexpensive. First they gave me a partial refund. So I opened up a dispute with the credit card company after attempting contact. Two weeks later I get a refund of the balance. The reason I'm annoyed -no apology for the unauthorized charges or delays, sending me to 2-3 different departments (by e-mail) and now claiming that they charged me when the X plus one issue was "printed" even though I'd only received X-1. Um, not the deal and that's not risk free.

 

So yes I finally got my money back after many emails and the credit card co. getting involved but I'm very annoyed at the customer no service.

Eh, pretty typical for publications seems like. No, you'll never get any apologies because they think they are entitled and were hoping to get away with it.

Way back when I was a teen, I did a free trial of some magazine. I didn't like it, so I cancelled it. I got a sales call trying to convince me to buy and the woman on the phone actually threatened me with breach of contract suit if I don't "comply" and pay up for a full subscription. I might have been a teen, but I wasn't stupid or easily intimidated so she got quite an earful from me about her threats. After I hung up though, I wondered how often they get away with this approach. Sadly, probably enough to be worth a lawsuit or two as what she said was certainly actionable if not fully criminal.

Lesson learned - that was the last time I ever did a trial for a magazine.

Apple is like a pimp

Eeeehhhh....that's been Apple from day one way back in the day - a closed ecosystem that only Apple controls. Will be interesting to see how that works out. The lawsuit with Fortnite is interesting for sure. Deep pockets on both sides.