"these wounds won't seem to heal..."

i had what i thought was the "permanent" relationship. my gf and i dated for a week short of our two year anniversary. we lived together .. we talked (obviously not about the important things or i wouldn't be in this situation) we were so in love. i wanted to spend forever w/her and i thought she wanted the same. we talked about it together.

she dropped a bomb on my head about a month ago and moved out. she said that she told me in the beginning that she has "guilt issues" and that i either got too comfortable or i didn't know how serious she was when she said it. she told me that i am passive/aggressive and it's the ONE thing she can not deal w/. i didn't even know i was doing it! i never intentionally tried to make her feel guilt about ANYTHING. she also says that she had told me several times to stop but that i just wasn't listening to her.

i really don't ever remember her saying anything to me. yes i did the passive/aggressive thing in the past w/ex gfs and it WAS on purpose and i refused to talk about my feelings or what was bothering me about them or our relationship, but had she yelled at me or threatened me i would have done anything to stop this from happening. i guess my "baggage" just crept over into this relationship w/out me realizing it. *sigh*

after she moved i held (and am still hoping) onto our "relationship" thinking that the problems that we were having had just happened as of late. but then she tells me that she has been unhappy since jan/feb of this year. wow. i had NO idea!

now i've screwed up any chance of there being anything between us ever again. because i called her and called her and not understanding why seeing me so sad and how much i miss her isn't making her come back. now she doesn't want to see me, much less speak to me. and the worst part .. we have ALL the same friends and these friends get together at least once a month and i have to see her at these functions. it's so hard .. but i pretend very well to be happy around her. at least i try very hard .. i hope she's buying it.

i feel very cheated, and im sure she does to if i was doing whatever it was i was doing. but now she is like a totally different person, i never in my life thought she could speak to me and treat me the way she has. just being soooo mean. it kills me. and i can't stop loving her! it makes me angry at myself. but she filled this void (i know that sounds tripe, but she really did) in me, i never felt this way w/anyone else. SHE is what i have been searchng for in all my other relationships. i don't know how to stop. the anxiety, the depression, the crying in my hallway floor at 1am at least once a week. i miss her .. okay this wasn't supposed to be this long and im sorry but it all came out. =)

how long does it take to get over someone? what i really want to ask is will she come back, or even WANT to be my friend again but no one can know that but her. im afraid it's too late.

one of the really mean things she said to me when i was trying to understand what happened to our relationship ... i asked her why she didn't yell at me or put up a post it .. SOMETHING.

she said .. and i quote "it is NOT my job to sit down and pull out of you what is wrong!"

ouch

now she just wants me to shutup and leave her alone .. to stop talking about it even to our friends, because she's tired of feeling like the worst person on the face of the planet she says. she wants me to handle it like her .. suck it up, lock it away in a box in the closet somewhere and move on. i don't work like that ...

im here for ya anytime!!

thank you ...

im doing much better actually. there's the no contact rule, tho im not the one who enstated it nor am I the one enforcing it. *sigh*

i don't cry on a daily basis now .. but not a day goes by that i don't think about her. wonder what she's doing at whatever time it is. wonder if she is missing me or thinking about me at all.

i had to be around her on Friday .. circle of friends all get together once a month. i didn't talk to her, tried not to look at her. she "included" me in conversations a few times w/other friends. it was nice to know that i am still on HER planet. i always keep up the good "everything is A'okay" face. she's not so good at that tho ... obvious to everyone. she left early .. the friend that has "replaced" me (meaning they do EVERYTHING that ex and i did together and now and i rarely see said friend) said that my ex told her she didn't feel well and that she hasn't been sleeping all that great the past few nights.

i soooooooooooooooo hope it's because she is thinking about me and having second thoughts. although im not holding my breath .. and im not waiting for her to "come around". if i find something else .. so be it.

im moving on w/out actually getting on the highway. i still love her. i don't think i will ever stop. she touched me somewhere NO one else could.

One of the unfortunate trade-offs in love is that you actually have to make yourself vulnerable to do it.

When you really open yourself to someone and show them the real "you" and they decide that's either not good enough for them, or that they'd really rather being spending their lives doing something else, it's the ultimate in rejection. It strikes to the heart of everything you are.

Many people spend a large portion of their lives slowly building self-esteem. Lots of people had zero self-esteem for so long it's less a building process and more like paying off a credit card.

For something that builds so slowly, it's amazing how quickly your account can be overdrawn if you open it to another human being who has their own wants and needs--Which may or may not coincide with your own.

Rather than philosophize on the mechanics of rejection and heartbreak, however, I will submit the following and hope it helps:

This person may truly be the only other human being on the planet who could have touched you the way she did. In fact, I'd say that's likely.

But there are literally billions of others out there who can touch you in a subtly different ways, and that's a big number. Of those billions, it's probably safe to say that a million or two would find you intelligent, caring, fun to be with, and some may feel worth spending their lives with. I assure you, some of those who would feel like that would connect with you in a way that may make what you're healing from right now seem faded and run-of-the-mill in comparison.

Each failed relationship is training for the real thing. Take what you've learned with this one, and focus that same caring and love into the profound connection you find next time. Remember the things she did to hurt and alienate you, and make sure you never make your next partner feel that way. We learn not only from our own behavior, but from those of our failed partners.

If/when you have children, and they come to you hurting because they are going through the same thing, the sum of our experiences will no longer be a burden...They will be the gift that allows you to empathize with your kids (and friends) and provide them with the understanding and support that only someone who has been there can.

I know...Variants of the "other fish in the sea" argument and "it can't rain all the time." Those sentiments always seem to help everyone except the person actually in pain.

Good luck, and steady at the wheel.

ty you so much. you "said" that so well ... its like i really do KNOW these things but sometimes we get trapped inside our own heads .. going over and over and OVER what went wrong, what we did wrong .. and so on that you need to HEAR that on almost a daily basis. it's like you need someone else to confirm what you already know deep down so you don't feel so ... lost? yea .. lost.

again .. thank you