Desperate for opinions

I'm sending this post out of confusion. I mostly prefer to give advice, rather than seek advice. I guess I'm reluctant to discuss my own fears and problems with others. I appreciate any feedback and welcome any advice. In short, I have an intense fear that I might be deceived and consequently abandoned by people I trust. Due to my past it is a struggle for me to trust in relationships. I often doubt ones motives or sincerity. Along with that my own perception on what is acceptable and not acceptable is blurred. As a result I can be sometimes be over-cautious or overly submissive. I'm a young woman of 20 years, and in a relationship. Although it may not be necessary to have given you my brief background, I think it is helpful so that you may understand my vigilance and confusion that my problems stem from. So the question is simple, and probably been asked before on this forum.

Is it acceptable for your boyfriend to glance several times at another girl? Hypothetical scenario: Out with boyfriend-slightly attractive girl enters-boyfriend glances several times at her (discreetly). I know I might sound simple minded but that really hurts my feelings, and I don't understand why a guy does that if he loves his girlfriend. (Hoping not to sound conceited), some guys find me attractive, and I have had many comments… so why cant my bf help looking at others? I understand that I'm over-sensitive and over-reacting but its really hurting me, and causing me to be rather depressed. I don't look around at other guys, and never feel the need. My worry is: does my bf still want only me, even when he notices other good looking girls. Is it one of those naturally men things, or should I be worried?

thanks,

zoe

Ok so what if you are over sensitive...Everybody gets over sensitive about one thing or another. Tell this to your boyfriend that it hurts your feelings when he looks at other girls. If he loves you he will understand and refrain from looking at other girls. Although I wouldnt worry too much about it from what I can understand its a natural guy thing and they dont do it to hurt you just because they do it.

Hello Zoe!!!

First of all I just wanted to say that i think you did a very brave thing. Do you know what that brave thing is? It is reaching out for help. Remember we are all interconnected. Never be afraid to talk to anyone(good friend, family, therapist, etc.) about youre deepest fears. I'll tell you; i wish i had thought about asking someone for help a couple of years ago before my relationship was ruined. You know, a couple years ago, i felt just like you. I felt scared. I didnt trust those who i felt a bond with. Zoe, its funny because some supposed relationship experts would say that it is okay for youre significant other to look at others he may find appealing. Others, who i tend to agree with, feel that it is disrespectful. I'm going to give you some powerful advice that will help you, if you use it. First, think about this. Dont you have the right to be respected, loved, and safe? Of course you do. I'm a 22 year old guy. If i were in a relationship, i can tell you that i would respect the one that i'm with and not look at other women. I wouldnt do something that i wouldnt want done to me. Have you tried communicating youre feelings with youre bofriend. Have you let him know in a tactful and confident way that he is hurting you. For instance, you could say something like: BABY, WHEN YOU LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS..... I FEEL HURT AND UPSET......I WOULD PREFER THAT IF IN THE FUTURE YOU RESPECT MY WISHES AND TRY NOT TO LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN. Sounds simple, but it is incredibly effective. With just that alone, you are not attacking him, but his actions. You are not putting him in the defensive, you are simply asserting youre rights. Second you can restructure youre thought pattern. For instance, when you see youre boyfriend "glance" at another female, you can say to youreself one of two things. First. "I know my boyfriend loves me". This temporarily breaks the cycle of jealousy. Second you can say to youreself something like "i know those girls arent any competition for me." This brings me to my next point. I think that you need to work on youre confidence. Lack of confidence manifests itself in many forms. One of the ways is that the person who is lacking confidence in the relationship often feels pangs of jealousy. They often feel that others will hurt and betray them. They have problems trusting others. They feel depressed. You said 'due to youre past'.....is there any unresolved issues that you need to take care of. If so, i suggest you get professional help or talk to someone else that can help you. I suggest that you pick up some good books on the topic of trust in relationships. There are a few good ones on the market. I suggest you focus more on improving you. Work on loving youreself. Make sure that you are doing plenty positive things in youre life and hanging around many positive people. Should you be worried? Yes, but about youreself. Unfortunately we cant control others. We can control ourselves. Worse case scenario and youre boyfriend doesnt want you, well then it is his loss. Remember you are just as good if not better than those girls. Best case scenario, you work on youre trust issues, communicate youre feelings with youre boyfriend, he respects youre wishes and you have a happier stronger relationship.

In summary:

1. communicate. 2. restructure negative thought patterns. 3. Get help if necessary(never feel ashamed for getting help). 4. Instill positive patterns that cultivate self confidence in youre lifestyle.

Create a great day.

Dear Zoe,

Hi sweetheart.

I bet you are very beautiful and get as pretty as you can possibly get when you go out with this man. I bet no matter what new clothing you have on and perfume you wear, no matter how much you tease your hair or adjust your perky boobs, its not enough. I bet no matter how much you are told how hot you are by other guys..it falls on deaf ears. I bet if he told you that you were beautiful 22 hours out of the day and glanced at another women once...you would think he lied. And I also bet that you are tempted to seek a small amount of revenge "hey maybe I should look too if he is going too!" I bet you have tried to hide the fact that it hurts you just to keep your cool and not let the other women notice they pushed your buttons. You wanna know how I can bet this? Because I am a 23 year old women who is told that she is hot all the time and no matter how many people tell me this..if my boyfriend even looks to the left and a women with a bigger butt walks in that same direction then I am convinced that I didn't look good enough. Men will never comprehend what there roaming eyes can do to even the prettiest womens self esteem. Telling him may not work...in fact if you are as pretty as I bet you are...he might even look at you and go..."your joking right?"

I can not say you are overly sensitive because I can easily tell you that You and Me are in the category of about a good 50% of women these days. And men wont stop looking! Why you ask? Because they will always have this thing called "It's a guy thing" or the "i'm just a man" or the "Its just looking....at least I'm not touching" right. I bet you have heard all of this. The best thing for you to do, and I know because it works for me...is this little trick I learned.

Hot girls need love too

Instead of letting it hurt your feelings that he has roaming eyes...roam your little eyes too. Let him see you looking. I mean make it obvious yet discreet if you catch my drift. If you are at a club with him ...simply flirt a lil with a guy (doesnt even have to be hot) at the bar. A simple larger then normal smile will do. Every now and then...leave his side and like a little social butterfly...smile at everyone..men and women (if you do this right he will only notice the smiles geared towards the men!) Also make a few "I'll be right back runs and disappear into the club...for a good 5 min. That's all it takes to wake his butt up. However don't do this too many times or it becomes obvious. And will backfire. And the back lash will hurt you more then just a lil look.

What does that do?

It changes the tables.....it puts the ball in the other court. He will be so annoyed and insecure his darn self and wondering "Where is she"

Trust me ...men know exactly what they have. If he thinks your hot he will notice that other men think so too. I hope i offended no one and that you women take some if not all of this little advice

Just remember that if you feel that you are retreating from relationships dont stay retreated, remember the famous saying,

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction."

- General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

enjoy life to its fullest. Dont worry about what people might do, you have no control over that.

take care

You said you are attractive maybe there is a girl somewhere getting mad at her boyfriend for looking at you. I think it depends on how the guy(bf) does it. It is only natural to look at other people who are attractive. Maybe you should look at other guys you find attractive. If he sits there and gawks at them then you need to tell him that it bothers you and how would he like it if you gawked at other guys.

thank you for all the advice. I can understand the getting even or getting back approach, but in the end it wouldnt make me feel any better and I really dont have the desire to look at others. It hurts me when my bf looks around, but I cant bring myself to do the same thing. I dont think I would be accomplishing much anyway, because i have confronted him, and he swears he doesnt look around. So I guess Im the one with the problem... I must be delusional.

hiya,

everyone is different.some men look at other women and some men don`t. do you love this man? if you do then you need to tell him how painful you are finding his actions. if he loves you he will stop. i am 29 years old with two long term relationships under my belt and i don`t know much about how to keep a relationship going. but i do know what will kill one stone dead,-lack of communication. you must talk to him, if you don`t it is over.

the issue of trust will resolve itself if you talk to each other openly and fully. i wish you the best of luck

I understand that communication is vital. He knows exactly how I feel. I have told him how much it hurts me. He just doesnt seem to think he is looking... so what else can I say?

This sounds way to familiar to me. Is your boyfriends name patrick. if so dump him because he has a twin. No but seriously...that makes me so angry when a man wont admit that he is looking at another women..it makes me nuts. I just get so tired of it. I am like...I knowyour looking...so don't pee in my face and call it rain water ya know. But Zoe...the best thing for youto do is decide..."

1. can I continue on with a man who wont even admit that he is a looker and makes me think its all in my head?

2. continue to deal with it..because I love him..and look past it...

That is really your only options IMO (in my opinion)