Guilt Trip

Hello,

Recently separated from my wife of 12 years. I moved out June 1st into a quiet, mountaintop apartment. We have two children. I am having them up to my new place this coming weekend.

Of course, I am going through a hectic guilt phase, because of the wife and kids. My wife, a couple of years ago, started telling me SHE wasn't happy and wanted to separate. But now that I am questioning MY happiness, she's changed HER mind, didn't want me to move out.

We tried one marriage counselor and he brought scripture into the mix without us realizing he'd do such a thing. I believe I had made up my mind months before that. Separation was imminent.

My in-laws aren't making this any easier for the both of us. They now hate me because of this, and I am worried now that they will make my wife turn against me even more. She's angry now. I wanted to break from the marriage but I guess that's going to be accompanied by a lot of pain. The WORST thing is this: now I am going through the loneliness blues. I feel as if I don't really have anyone to talk to. The one thing I really miss is the female companionship I had with my wife. Not out for fresh meat - just looking for a woman to talk to.

My question to the men and women out there: How do I overcome my guilt? Am I thinking the wrong things here? Do men go through what is happening to me???

hi John...

I think the only thing that will resolve your guilt is time. In your heart, you feel like you made the right decision for you, but it hurts your wife. I think that is completely normal. The most important thing is to have a good relationship with your kids. As long as you are still good to them, I think in time, your wife's anger will disapate. And as far as your in-laws are concerned, too bad for them (i know, that's real mature of me...but hopefully, you know where I'm coming from). You've hurt their daughter, but they'll get over it, if she can. I'm not talking from experience here, just my opinion on the matter. If your heart tells you that you've done the right thing for YOU, and you and your ex can be civil, then your guilt will lessen.

As far as your loneliness, give it time. I'm sure that you have a least one friend who is a woman. Ask her to spend time, or ask if she has a friend that you could meet. Tell her that it is only for conversation, that you aren't looking for a one night stand, just a good friend to confide in. If you don't have a good girl friend, then ask one of your guy friends. Or, maybe you could visit a chat room. There are always people looking for someone to talk to there!

hope this helps, and keep on being strong for yourself. no-one can do that for you

good luck,

Kitty Kat

Good advice, I'll take it, I guess this all just takes time. I am generally shy from message boards and especially chat rooms. IM? That seems fine to me. No real girl "friends" at all to talk to, not looking for a one-night stand (that would only lead to more problems for me) but I think the light at the end of the tunnel is visible.

hey...

breaking up isnt ever easy for anyone, and the blues, lonliness and sadness is just all bundled up there together and affects all of us..not just u alone... Its cool to have friends of the oppositie sex to talk to, because it feels natural just talkin to sumone that can understand and be sensitive to what we are going thur...as well, i prefer talking to guys versus women,..for sum reason...

Not only men go thru what ur experiencing, but women do as well... The guilt feeling is going to haunt you for awhile, because as I got a seperation, I felt so guilty of depriving my children of their mom & dad raising them together in the same household...i winded up trying to work out things with my X,..only to discover that it was an even worse mistake. I still have that guilty yet lonely feeling lingering in my heart from time to time, but I had to finally do whats best for ME, versus putting other ppl ahead of me as Ive done for my entire life...

ITs about you and the kids now. Allow your wife to vent her frustrations, and anger and when shes more cordial with you, then and ONLY then, should you attempt to compromise with her as far as the children are concerned. If you two can become good friends, it may be eventful and rewarding for the two of you to go to public outings together with the kids, or attend their extra curricular activities together, to maintain a strong and supportive bond as parents. The kids are what matters the most.

Some parents lack communication while divorcing to such an extent, that it really affects our children. So in these instances, we really must think of whats the best thing to do as mature adults on their behalves.

best wishes...

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