My ex won't leave me alone!

I am new here and I am looking for ANY and ALL advice on how to deal with my jerk ex boyfriend . Me and the jerk were together for almost seven years, you may ask why I never married him. Well to be quite honest he always had issues of somekind that put me off from ever marrying him. When we first met I was 18 and he was 24, he had just finished 4 years in the USMC. I was lusting after him to start with and when we started dating everything was fine (except for the no job)...which really didn't bother me because I wasn't supporting him. Plus I was young and dumb... . He finally found a job and after two years of dating we moved in together.....big mistake. First he became verbally abusive, then emotionally and finally physically. I really don't know why I didn't leave then other than I was scared of what he would do to me and my daughter really loved him, she never saw his bad side until the end (not his child...had her before we met). Fast forward....my dad died in 96 and we moved in with my mom to help take care of the bills so she wouldn't loose her house. I really felt like this move might help, but he still got physical with me even in my moms house....he never did this in front of anyone...nor did he leave visable marks on me. I had been a stay at home mom but in 98 I decided to return to work at my previous employer. In September of 98 my ex's brother was murdered at work, that started the chain of events that eventually led to me throwing his butt out of the house. In October of 99 me and the jerk had a big argument at 4am and he shoved me into the bar.....that was my breaking point. I told him to get his s*** and leave. He did...only to return five minuted later to ask me if this was a phase I was going through. I said yes and the phase was you and it is over now. Everything was cool for about a month....we were actually trying to stay friendly for my daughter. Then in mid November of 99 he flipped his lid, he came to my house started telling me he was going to kill himself and take me with him. I have never called the police on anyone before......but I did that night. I took his threat very seriously. He disappeared for two days and no one knew where he was at, turns out he was actually sleeping in his car parked in my driveway. He was spying on me through my windows ! I decided to go get a order of protection against him. I had a FEMALE judge who turned my request down twice before she finally gave me a OP for two years. The only reason she did was because the jerk called me and knew I was taping the phone call and proceeded to talk for two hours in which he managed to threaten to kill me three times and my mom once.....needless to say the prosecuting attorney with really impressed with how stupid he was . During the time I had the OP (which was from 3/00 till 3/02) he still harassed me. I got married in October of 2000 to the most wonderful man....oh and did I mention my ex is also married and he has his lovely wife harassing me too! The harassment that I am sick of and will take suggestions on how to stop is this: None stop phone calls, breaking my bedroom windows, polking holes into my car radiator, slashing my tires TWICE, broke into my house and stole a pair of my underwear and then put them on my car antenna at my place of employment, he also took a rock out of my driveway scratched my hood then proceeded to take HIS OWN FECES and put it on my windshield and up underneath my door handles (His own wife admitted this to me), the last most recent thing he has done was about two weeks ago, he busted my car windshield. I am sick and tired of this behavior. He is 35 years old and needs to grow up. I have never done anything to his personal property. I don't even know where he is living now, but would love to find out because when you make a police report they always ask you for the suspects current address. I just don't know what to do anymore. This is a scary and expensive situation that has been going on for over THREE years! HELP...what should I do? Thanks for your time and sorry about the length of the letter.

Hi,

I understand that you are in a very difficult situation, but I am not really in favor of Sean's ideas. You could end up doing jailtime for trying to things like this. Sean, you are wearing thin ice, too, since you are stimulating a crime. I would like to ask you to be more careful in next posts.

I would recommend that you would report all this to local authorities and have them deal with it. I know it is hard, but you can't take justice in own hands, even though you're 'just sending a message accross'.

I hope that things in the end will work out for you.

~ SwingFox ~

What a jerk! Man this guy AND his wife have serious problems! Sean, murder is NEVER the answer!!! I cant even begin to undertand that thought! I think that you, saber, should still go to the police and tell them everything that you DO know about this guy. His name, birthdate, whatever. Their high tech computers may bea ble to track him down. This is quite a difficult situationa dn I am so sorry you have to suffer through this. This couple needs to grow up, you are right! If you cannot find any way to get the police to him and he continues to harass you as he has done, the only other thing I could ever think of doing would be to move away. Maybe in the same town or one nearby, but so he doesnt know your phone# or address. What a jerk! I cant believe this guy. Unfortunatey, I dont think there are as many options as we would like there to be in a situation such as this. If he is going to continue, you are only left with a few choices. I hope you find your way. Good luck!

I grew up with a girl that is dead now, coz the Judge told her to go back to her man, after she begged the judge to help her.. The system fails us sometimes and we dont have no choice but to take things into our own hands so I have to agree with Sean, and its not called murder its called Self Defense!

let me tell you somthing?this maniac that she is dealing with is homicidal!!and its a matter of time before he really snaps!the cops dont do squat until an actual crime occurs.and in her case that crime might be her end if he commits it.hes going to increase the severity of these acts against her,the right to bear arms and protect yourself is in the constitution.are you forgetting this guy is a former marine?hes not some ordinary fool stalking his ex.im a former marine,and my weapon traing,survival training and just plain having the name marine stomped into my soul for 3 years will never leave me.dont get me wrong im dam proud.but girl,arm and protect yourself legally,the spreading of human waste on your property is somthing i saw done by the panamanian soldiers when i was in panama.i dont mean to scare you but,if the cops arent stopping him you need to protect yourself or hire people who can.this guy isnt going to see a legal passive alternative...give him what he wants,or take him on a hellride....good luck

I really appreciate you all giving me your opinions on my problem. I agree that violence is not my answer to this problem, but if he should ever break into my house when I am home then it will be a case of self defense. I have guns in my house and know how to use them. My ex knows this also, that is probably why he sneaks around at 3am. Sean I would like to ask you a question since your a ex marine, how the hell do I catch the SOB? He is so sneaky.....I have caught him once and that was pure luck. I also want to say that anytime something happens I do make a police report. My ex has shown up at my house in broad daylight to mess with me and he knows I am on the phone with the police....he knows EXACTLY how long it takes for the Sheriff to get here, usually 20 or 25 minutes. One time he left then the police show up, he calls and says "Tell the cops I said Hi....I passed them on the way out." He is not always smart though...here is a perfect example. I came home late one night and got on line to check my e-mail, I hear my dogs start to bark like there is someone outside. So old dummy me steps outside and there he was standing in a down pour with another man........I was scared to death. I called the sheriff and two of them showed up in two separate cars. The one stayed and took a report and the other was outside looking around......all of the sudden the guy outside comes on his radio and says "I just saw a car pass by that fits the description of our suspect, I am going to pull it over." A few minutes later he comes back on and says " I have a (make of car) license plate # and two white male occupants." I was like HOLY CRAP that is him. This dummy had made a clean get away and was SO COCKY that he decided to turn around and drive by my house to see if the cops were there......DUH! Needless to say he did go to jail that night! YIPPY! He also physically abuses his new wife, she had him put in jail last year for strangling her. I tried to warn her about him but she chose to believe him over me. He also uses his 11 year old step daughter to harass me, he makes her send notes to me in the mail with her name on it in her handwriting so I can't say it was him sending the harassing mail. His wife is just as stupid as he is though, she calls me about once every six months to tell me her sobb story...how he won't work (he hasn't worked since they have been married) he drinks to much...blah blah....she just calls to bilk me for information on my life, but I don't give her the satisfaction of any info....except for how happy I am! Oh and Sean....I believe you stated that I must have done somethng to really piss him off.......no I just left him that is it. I NEVER cheated on him, he cheated on me. I am just not a mean natured person. I have had opportunities to mess his car up. I figured if I tried to make the break up as friendly as possible it would work, but I was VERY wrong. Things went to s*** as soon as he figured out I was serious about not getting back together. I am just sick of his behavior, it is childish. He is almost 36! I have also thought about moving and we are planning to in the near future. I hope then all this stops. I have also wrote to everyone I can possibly think of...congressmen from my state, the govenor, prosecuting attorney, judges...you name it I have written them. I have even written womens groups that help abused or stalked women get orders of protection and I have gotten no response from them. I just wish he would forget me and live his life. But a messed up marine like him isn't likely to do that are they Sean?

I DONT THINK THE MARINES HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS PROBLEM.WHAT IS IT EXACTLEY THAT HE WANTS FROM YOU?MAYBE HE WANTS TO END YOUR RELATIONSHIP(IN HIS MIND)ON HIS TERMS.AND THE FACT YOU ARE IGNORING HIM IS OUT OF HIS CONTROL?HES MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMAN,SO WHY DOES HE KEEP AT YOU,THEIRS SOMTHING YOU DONT SEEM TO BE TELLING ME ABOUT HIS ANGER AND WANTING TO GET HIS REVENGE.MAYBE IF YOU JUST GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS ASIDE OF GOING BACK TO HIM.TRY REVERSE PSYCOLOGY,IF ITS AN ISSUE THAT WONT BACKFIRE AND MAKE THINGS WORSE.MAYBE HE WANTS TO BE THE ONE WHOS THE DUMPER AND NOT THE DUMPEE?IF NOT,TRY 24/7 CAM SURVELLENCE,,ALSO MOTION DETECTION LIGHTING OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE,VIDEO SURVELLENCE IS YOUR BEST TOOL FOR CATCHING HIM STALKING YOUR HOUSE,BREAKING IN ETC ETC,ALL OF THAT DOCUMENTED WILL GET HIM LOCKED UP FOR A LITTLE WHILE,BUT I WOULDNT ADVISE STAYING WHERE YOU LIVE WHEN HE GETS OUT......GOOD LUCK

Sean I do appreciate your advice and yes I do agree he did want to be the dumper not the dumpee. But I am married now and well it's a little to late to give him that option. I have tried EVERYTHING with him from saying it is all my fault, trying to be friendly, ignoring him, cussing him out. I have tried EVERY angle and nothing works. He is so pissed at me simply because I dumped him. He knows he treated me badly but in his warped mind it doesn't matter. He admitted in court to everything I said he did, he never said "No I didn't do that." He told me he was a jerk and wanted a second chance but it was to little to late. I am pretty sure that you probably don't know what it feels like to live with someone who makes you feel like if you say one little thing wrong that it will set them off into a rage. I woke him up one day to go to work and he choked me and slammed me up against the wall............all because he was tired, and it wasn't like I went in the room screaming "Get the hell up (censored)!" I was no perfect girlfriend, I don't think there is such a thing as being perfect, but I never cheated, I never hit him, I respected his mother (unlike him) and his family in general even though he treated my mom like she was a total (censored). I have wished him the best of luck in his new life and told him that if he would get his (censored) straight he could have a great life. Afterall he is married to someone else and so am I. His wife even told me on the phone once that their marriage was one of convience (mainly for him I suspect....since she works and he doesn't) and she also said that he loved me not her! He actually told her that and she still married him!! I feel sorry for her in a way because she is mentally slow....I am not trying to be funny either.....she had a stroke and her mental abilities are slower than the average person. I know if she stays with him her life will be total (censored) until he decides to quit feeling sorry for himself and get back to normal. They say time heals all wounds.......I am starting to find that hard to believe. Three years and he is still going strong. Thanks again for the advice I really do appreciate it. But trust me when I say that the only reason he is holding this grudge is because I DUMPED HIM!

the best thing in my opinion for you to do,is to relocate without him being able to find you if you can?the further the better.as long as he knows you are close by,the issue never ends for him.the wound is as fresh as it was 3 years ago.so the longer he goes without any contact with you,he will eventually tire of you and the situation.i think somthing traumatic happened to him as a child,in which maybe his mother left him,or girls or women made him feel less then and or unwanted?remember,to a man,,failure is death.your dumping him has probably triggered stuff from his past in which he is very angry about.and if this is the case?the funny thing is that he is more angry at life and himself then he is at you.is he self doubting?does he feel like he is an unattractive man?this is just my opinion.i say distance yourself from him.....and oh yes.......what does your husband do about this?is he handeling or confronting your ex?whats he doing about it???

Sean,

Well you pretty much nailed it down about the female from his past messing him up. His mom is a fruit cake, she is sort of (not totally) the cause of his father being killed. See his dad was a mean SOB and she was only 16 when they met and married. She had my ex's older brother when she was 17 and had my ex at 18, she then left her husband because of the abuse. Unfortunately she made the mistake as many of us do of going back. She left for a final time and went to stay with her parents....her husband showed up and got into a altercation with her folks and my ex's grandfather shot and killed his dad. So yes he does have issues with her that he is VERY unwilling to talk about or to even confront her on. He was also abused by her second husband (mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually).... and unfortunately his mother KNEW about it and did NOTHING!! I was not informed of this abuse he suffered until we broke up. I do feel badly for him even though he has made my life hell for three years. I was with him for a long time before I finally noticed that he had alot of trouble communicating with people......just friendly chit chat is hard for him. He also has a very hard time picking the right "type" of friends.........he loves to hang around with low life men who are nothing but trouble. The only good friend he has he makes fun of for going to church. I am telling you just about his whole family is messed up in some way. He had two brother, one got murdered at work. The sad thing is we were all kind of expecting it to happen. Jim (the brother who was murdered) was a little bit off in the head......We always thought he was bi-polar or something like that. He got into a argument with a guy at work and the guy shot him twice with a 9mm at close range....he was 32. My ex's other brother (Frankie) is ALWAYS in jail........they actually know him by name! No kidding! He has numerous children that he never sees or supports. The only good one of the bunch who actually has their s*** together is his sister, she is married with one child and works.....normal girl, never been in trouble. His brother Frankie was so bad that when he was 7 he would steal his mom's rent money! As far as my husband.....he has never met my ex. He has seen him before but didn't realize until he left who he was....before that he had only seen his picture. My ex won't mess with my husband or any other man for that matter, he only beats up on women. But my husband has been my rock, he would never let any physical harm come to me or anyone else in our household. My ex actually saw my husband without him knowing about it........he was hiding in our garage one morning and saw my husband leave for work. My ex's wife told me about that and said that Ronnie (that is my ex's name) wouldn't bother Dennis (my husband) because he was to damn big...lol! But at the moment we don't even know where my ex is living at, if we did my husband and his good friend (his boss from work....big big man) would pay him a visit. My husbands boss drove 300 miles to beat a mans a** that hit his mom, so he wouldn't think twice about helping us out if we need it. Hell he wanted to loan us his dog for protection....Brutus....325 pound rotty..........huge dog......looks like a horse! Oh and we are going to move but we have to get some property and the house sold first then we are gone and hopefully our trouble will be to. I am sorry I talked so much, but I really appreciate your input and your willingness to talk to me about this......so many people don't want to. Thanks again.