Is it just me or.....

In this and other relationship / breakup support sites, I see the same thing. Girl and Guy break up, and nobody, nobody says...

Are you sure there is not a solution...

Maybe you can fix that problem...

Maybe you aren't broken up, but in a dark patch, give it time...

Have you tried telling her, x, y and z?

It all seems to follow the format of...

Right, you've been dumped. Live with it, deal with it, forget her, shut her out of your life and move on. No doubts that this is the right or wrong thing for any relationship, just give up on it and get on with your own life.

I may ""still"" be some form of denial about my own break up, 3 weeks on, but I still feel that this break up could show me and my girl how to live and love again, if we got back. I still feel that love above all else is what we live for at the end of the day, and I am a believer that if there is a chance to help a love between two people then at all costs it should be done. Even in my own case that might mean killing all my self respect and pride in the battle, ... if I fail and dont get her back.

Yet, I see a twist. Maybe by getting on with my own life and letting go much sooner than I did, maybe that act, is enough to sometimes shock a damaged locked but not broken relationship back into health.

I still find it hard to fault my ex, and I still feel no anger at all towards her. I have heard her reasons, understood them, agreed with most of them, but still didn't see how it can't be made work.

Yet some people suggest stuff like looking for your ex's faults, and feeling anger towards them helps. Burning photos and memorbilia etc. Never accepting the friendship. Taking them to dinner and playing games with them. I have never played games with the one I love. Never. I have played games to secure love, by pretending I was not intereseted and keeping love at arms length until I let it in, but never played games with someone I was in love with.

Anyone see my point? How many breakups actually abort and the partners get back together and be successful again. I think I have heard of at least a few. Maybe someone who has done the research might tell me that the odds of a serious breakup and getting back together working out in the end are 1000s to one. Yet to everyone, their relationship is priceless, and a 1000 to one chance might be worth taking.

Just saying my thoughts. Not slagging off the support people get here. Just saying that it would be a shame for someone to come in here for support having broken up from a relationship that might be one of those in a 1000 that could be saved and become glorious again, to be told to shut it off, forget it and move on, and take the advice and never find out it could have been saved.

Am I deluding myself?

Cya.

Hi venquessa,

Thanks for your reply to one of my previous posts, funny that we're going through virtually the same thing.

People dont realise how much harder it is to lose someone, when to you they were the most perfect girlfriend you could ever want. My g/f was (is) so lovely and sweet, so kind and caring, sensitive, gorgeous - why would i want to force myself to move on when she was the one I wanted to spend my life with!

It is even harder when you realise all the little things you did that probably contributed to the break up. I can look back and I feel so so bad for some of the horrible things I said to her in the past (I'm not a horrible person, but i really seemed it at times), or some of the things I didnt do. When we got back together last year, it was because we agreed that things needed changing.

Of course it started off good, better than ever in fact, but I failed to see i let things get back to same way they were before - and it hurts just knowing that if I could have woken up in time, then I could have saved it.

I, like you, want to believe we can make it work, because in our hearts we know we can (aaargh!), and just the thought of having to let go is too painful to imagine.

But you cannot control someone else. The only thing we have total control over in this world is ourselves. If our partners simply dont want to be with us, then we have to let them make that choice, we can't choose whats right and wrong for them.

Its hurting me just writing this because i am not at the stage of being able to 'let go'. I am so scared at how long I'm going to be feeling as bad as I do, because I'm finding it extremly difficult to handle.

I dont have a close network of friends and family to turn to, which makes it all the more harder and lonelier.

I guess my hurt and pain is not just the fact I've lost her and I will never have the chance to change where I went wrong, but also because now I've got the fear of facing up to reality. I've got to find myself, find out where I want to go in life, what I want to do, and at the moment I cant answer those questions, so it makes the future a very scary place.

As me and my ex live in different towns I've also got to face the fact that I will probably never see her beautiful, smiling face again, and have the knowledge that for her this is ok.

I am thinking about taking some time out by doing some voluntary work abroad for a month or so, maybe in New Zealand. I wonder if this would help, or would I feel even more lonely?

Is there anyone on this forum who has felt as bad as us, but is now managing to get past it? I'd love to hear from you, as long as you dont say that it took years!

Oh, by the way Venquessa, here's something that might help you. Its made things a lot clearer for me and I must admit has helped so really think you should get it. Its an online book caled 'Lifted Hearts' go to this link and you can buy it, its worth it.

Thanks for your reply mate. I have had a few weeks more than you, so I can maybe tell you a little of the future.

For me, I still feel no anger, but I remember times when I fell out of love with her. Those memories piss me off, because so many times I heard her say, "You dont love me, you just say you do." and I at times got out of bed from her and sat up in the living room for hours thinking about what I would do. The reason it pisses me off is that when I considered dumping her, I looked at what I would be throwing away and summoned faith in the good times that those times would come again. I believed in us, and most of all at times, it was the friendship that kept me with her, even when the love was weak on my side. I feel annoyed that she was in love with me all that time, and the first time she falls out of love with me, she runs for it, no faith, no belief, no chance, dead end. I gave her and us chances that the good times would return and they did, she has no faith in that, or doesn't care. She has so much in her life to distract her, keep her mind off this, so much life to lead and not look back to this from.

Not even that, but once she made the decision to leave me, she set her mind to it, listened to her friends, family and others. She has set herself up for this and I fear she will not go back on it, even if she wanted to. Too much of her own self respect and pride to lose just to try and see if we would work again. "Your not going back with him are you?" I can hear the echo of her friends....

I too look at my life now, the future, and it scares me. The past scares me that I allowed myself in the past year or so to let myself slip, let more and more of myself go, replacing it with the part of "us" I had become and loved so dear, the me that was merly half of us, yet I let myself become the weaker half and didn't care. I fell into a dream, under her spell, she was like a drug and the more I let my life slip the more I took that drug and it comforted me, comforted me too much. Now I not only feel I am waking from a dream, but coming down off a drug. Reality has chanced around me, or maybe it was always there and I was too under her influence to see it.

Talking with old friends even last night, so many things that are me are flooding back in, some hurt, some I don't want to return to, some I feel hollow confort in, some make me want my life of recent years back more badly than ever.

Mostly I still feel as I seep and flood back into myself, finding myself, that I want to give it all to her, show her I have returned to myself, show her I am a person again, my own man again, and not just a part of her, show her what I have taken away from her in the pasts year or so, show her what she fell in love with and used to love so much. I realise I may not have that chance. I have not been the man she loved in the past year or so, I had become broken, that is why she realised she didn't love me anymore. Yet this has woken me again, but it is most likely too late.

I look at myself in the mirror and I know I am still attractive, sure 7 years of my life have past, my 20s are almost gone, the memories of those amazing years are tainted for the rest of my life and will always remind me of her and the scar that is now starting to heal.

Before the break up, I would look at other women, fancy them, but realise with a sense of security that I didn't need to chase them, didn't need to find another, even sometimes when I wanted to, I knew I didn't really want to at the cost of what I had with my soul mate. Lust and Love are not the same and I know which I perfer to hold. Now I can't even look at other women and find them attractive. That I will need to fix too.

That was one of the things I put to myself before the break up, that long term mature love IS really better than the fresh spark of lust and young fresh love between two people, it took me a while to believe that. Now I must undo that and believe that fresh love and lust will save me if it all I have left.

After it all, after all this is said and done and months have past, maybe years to be true. I WILL go out and look for another, I will do it all again. I will probably get hurt again many times in the process, but that is what I want, not to get hurt, but to have that kind of love a soul mate, lover, friend, an other half of myself. I hope I learn from this, that I must make someone part of me, and never let myself slip into becoming part of them and hiding from myself there. That is effectively how I killed this love we had.

Finally, my life is actually rocking, for me and I can't yet see it. I got 2 distinctions at Uni, I got a job, I have a small business that may make me rich someday, I have friends, I am attractive, nice and warm person and I have a life to build for myself. Yet I will build it and give it to someone again, that is what I want more than anything.

Hang in there and a little advice... When you feel you start to rise up, for a day, an hour even. Enjoy it, but you will come down again, the next hour or day, that is really hard. You get distracted from it by something, forget it for a while, but it comes back and it hurts afresh. It will be a bumpy ride, mine still is and I expect it will be for a few months. The oasises should get more frequent and more green and pleasant, and sometime in the future I will be back in the fertile land of the living a new man. The winter will be colder than ever before, but by spring I will be ready to grow and enjoy summer. Maybe with someone else.

An article I read on here, I think, said something that I like....

"Think of yourself in the future when you have got over this, when you look back at yourself now, what would you tell yourself, what advice would you give yourself from that future? Make it something worthwhile."

Again... feel free to exchange email details and we can chat anytime you want, we are thrown together by our similar circumstances, maybe we will be friends for life.

If you have MS Messanger, add me as a contact..

msm@absolutely-foobar.co.uk (or email me at that address)

Take care.

I believe that if two people break up, it's not always forever... Sometimes it takes a little break to realize that you really do love each other. Sometimes that break helps you to grow and change things that you need to change to be a better couple... Sometimes it helps breathe new life into a relationship by changing things around a little bit, kinda the way you feel after you move the furniture around in your house.. It helps you to see things differently. If two people really love each other, a little break up won't keep them apart. So, you might break up for six months or a year.. but who says it has to be forever?

And why do you have to be angry with the person who broke up with you? If a person breaks up with you, it's because they are unhappy in the relationship. You can't fault a person for being unhappy. Everyone has their own feelings.. you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone be happy with you either.. sometimes you just have to accept the other persons feelings whether you like it or not.. Besides, if you decide to hate that person, you might ruin any chance of getting back together with that person.. and what if it was really meant to be??? Do you want to ruin that chance by being angry and hating that person?

I know how it feels to have your heart broken. My boyfriend recently broke up with me. But I've chosen to continue loving him.. I don't talk to him every day anymore.. but we do talk from time to time.. and I still consider him my "best friend".... I don't sit around waiting for him to come back to me, but I know that I haven't closed the door on him, so if we do belong together.. he will come back!

That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it!