Guys please help I feel so depressed

This will be quite long, please bear with me

I'm a 18 year old girl from India. I met him last year and we instantly knew that we were the one for each other. He hasn't been in a relationship before and neither have I. Both of us are sensitive, awkward, introverted and insecure and we thought it was a dream come true to have found each other so similar(since we were introverts, we were always the odd one out and always thought that we would never find the right person in our life). Now if you guys know anything about India, there are very conservative parents who are extremely against their children falling in love with someone from a different caste, religion etc. My parents are not that conservative(they fell in love during college) but they are against me getting into a relationship before I have a career to support me. His father though didn't have a problem with us at all and said he would support his son with whatever decision he makes. His mother on the other hand wants only a girl from their caste for her son. She greatly opposes the so called "love marriages". Him and his mother always had a rocky relationship from the start while he idolizes his father.

When he told me he was serious about me and that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, I was dumbfounded. I have very low self-esteem and found it really hard to believe it. I immediately panicked because I kept thinking about my parents, they won't ever allow this unless I'm working and well settled. He agreed and said he didn't want me to stray away from my career. I had warned him about me. I told him that I was a mess(insecure, no self esteem, hurt others) and told him that it's not going to work out and it's going to be a disaster.(my parents, his parents, my lack of self love)

But we were both hormonal teenagers. We had no control. He was in love with me and I was very foolish. I was in a relationship with him even though I knew I shouldn't. I was terrified and incredibly guilty. I wanted my parents approval so bad. I asked him to come meet them and when he did I lied to them that he was a friend from tuition. My parents saw something was amiss but they didn't tell me about it. A week later I felt really terrible and asked him to call my father and talk to him about us or to break up with me. I was so foolish. He was desperate and did what I asked. My father was furious.

My parents scolded me. Even then I kept the relationship. But I felt terrible inside. They didn't trust me anymore. They became very distant. I was at a loss. I was filled with guilt, anger, disbelief that he could fall in love with me, self hatred and hate towards the world. Nothing was right after that day. My lack of self love shattered the whole relationship.

He loved me, I treated him . I kept wanting validation, I started seeking it from other boys because I couldn't believe this boy when he told me he loved me. I hurt him. I used to tell him to end things, partly because I was guilty and partly because I wanted him to chase me. He was deeply hurt and frustrated.

He used to talk to his aunt and express his feelings to her. She used to be very understanding and used to assure him that things will get better. One day things went too far. I abandoned him and hurt him when he needed me the most. He wanted to quit things. I finally got some sense into my head and apologized and begged him to give me a chance. He did but he was deeply hurt and things were never the same. I became sober, choosed my words carefully, never wanted validation from other boys, and changed myself because I wanted him so much.

Two months and we were back to normal. Everything was going so great. Everything was alright again, until one fine day when he came to meet me. Earlier he had told his aunt that I hurt him and she was angry with me and asked me to break off the relationship. While he was coming to meet me, he told his aunt about it. His aunt was furious and said she wouldn't let me into his life. He was incredibly upset and angry and had a huge fight with her. And that shattered every hope I had up until that.

He was very angry at himself, life and everyone else. He was sick of giving love to people only to get hurt. He hated himself and wanted to waste himself away. He drank alcohol for the first time, I was shocked and extremely concerned. I scolded him for doing so. He told me he wants to waste his life away and that he always cares for me but couldn't be in a relationship. I was miserable but not as miserable when he told me he wanted to lose his virginity to someone. He wanted my permission, he didn't want it to affect me, he said he cares for me but he's sick of love. I pleaded with him not to, he was equally pleading with me as well. I finally relented and he paid for the prostitute. But he couldn't do it, he felt guilty and ashamed of doing such a bad thing, he remembered me and he wanted to go home. That was getting impatient and scolded him for wasting her time. He paid extra money and ran away from her.

Karma just…..sigh. I felt everything he felt when I treated him like . He kept saying that we should end things. He cared for me infinitely and said that he'll always be my best friend but he doesn't want a relationship. I was devastated. I pleaded with him everyday, he was still angry about the past. He was angry that I care for my friends even when they don't but I kept asking him to end the relationship those days. I then told him that he was the only one that mattered and I never let him go even when I let go of my friends. He asked me to block their contacts and I did. He then felt bad the next day and told me that I don't have to block anyone for him.

Things were better again but still he kept a distance. Two days from today when I'm writing this, he told me he has his doubts and…and the same thing he says all the time. Which are

I have doubts about this relationship

I can't fight for anyone anymore

I care for you infinitely and you'll never lose me as a friend

Nobody approves of us and I hate it, I'm sick of love

Today he told me he'll wait for me but doesn't know what will happen in the future. He wants me to talk to his father and I told him I will.

And I'm just here devastated and hoping

Thank you guys for reading this

You're trying to force young puppy love into genuine love.

You'll fail!

Break up, go to school and after a few years date others.

btw:

"I finally relented and he paid for the prostitute."

- This is just plain bizarre!

Sorry to hear this. Are you from a differing social classes or are either of you scheduled for arranged marriages?

I'm a 18 year old girl from India. same thing he says all the time. Nobody approves of us and I hate it

I don't feel you love him, if you did, you wouldn't have let him down so many times and treated him badly. It sounds as though he loves you and keeps trying and trying and finally gave up.

I think all you can do now is let it go. It sounds like it's all gone wrong.

@SherrySher No I didn't love him at first. Yes I was very infatuated and messed it up. Then spending time with him I realized I did love him. And he did accept me and everything was perfect until his aunt became furious when she learned that he was still talking to me.

No I didn't love him at first. Yes I was very infatuated and messed it up. Then spending time with him I realized I did love him. And he did accept me and everything was perfect until his aunt became furious when she learned that he was still talking to me.

You misunderstand. It was puppy love at first. I was very infatuated and immature. As time passed I did realize I loved him. I've graduated from school.

Yes, but unfortunately, his family won't be able to forget how you did not love him and how you treated him badly. That puts a massive dent in your chances of ever fixing things.

If his aunt does not want him talking to you, that won't go away anytime soon.