Husband says he has not been attracted to me for 18 of our 20 years together

This has come up intermittently during our relationship. Not because I am unattractive or have gained a lot of weight or anything like that. I thought we had a great sex life overall but too many things have been bothering me in the past few years.

I finally had a calm conversation with him two nights ago and he admitted that he is not sexually attracted to me and has not been for the past 18 of our 20 years together.

How could you stay with someone under those circumstances and lie to them? We don't have children (we are a gay male couple).

We have history together. Lots of really good times. Several very horrible and traumatic events that we have walked through together.

I am not willing to be in a relationship where the sex ends before we are physically unable to do it. This is a dealbreaker for me.

I don't think I could have sex with him again without feeling like I was physically gross and also like I was with a prostitute without wanting to be with a prostitute.

He has not worked for at least 12 years now. He could but he just doesn't. I don't make a lot of money at all but he lives a much better lifestyle with me than he would on his own, and he doesn't have to work.

I feel betrayal and contempt and resentment toward him.

I told him that I would hate myself if I stay with him. I asked him how he would feel if he learned that I stayed with him after all these years and only pretended to want to have sex with him. He could not answer.

The thought of going through uncoupling and the divorce (which will be relatively simple because we own next to nothing) and the long grieving process is overwhelming.

I feel constant resentment toward him and it is not fair to him or me to remain in a situation like that.

I also do not see any way to fix this.

I know that many people have done MUCH worse to others in relationships but I did not think the man I married had it in him to betray anyone like this for so many years.

I so much wish that he was able to hide this from me but I can never un know this.

That resentment I feel toward him is just horribly toxic. It is poison.

He almost died literally three different times over the past four years. I was there for him every single minute. I am a healthcare professional and if I had not been present when one of those medical crises had occurred he very likely would have died. I knew it and his doctor told him the same.

That doesn't matter. He stayed with me all these years I feel so that he could not work. I f*cking resent him so much for this!

I am in the middle of two other significant life situations right now but this is the biggest deal of anything other than a life threatening health crisis or death.

I have been completing online divorce papers but I can't even figure out which goddamned court to put as the address at the top of the forms!

This has all been over the past 48 hours.

I am not perfect at all. Really difficult to live with in many ways but nothing so horrible that the good doesn't overcome the bad.

I am not unattractive and still maintain a relatively good body for a man of 48 years. I could have been with someone who still finds me desirable and enjoys being with me otherwise.

That sonofa cheated me out of that because he made the decision to lie.

I am hurt and angry and very sad.

Am I overreacting?

To me this is a really big deal and I don't think my marriage can survive it.

Well, it sounds like he's been living off of you for a long time. And it's a terrible thing to tell you that he hasn't been attracted to you for all these years. I think you should end it. He's just wasting your time.

Ouch!!!! Totally feel your pain.

People stay in long term relationships for a number of reasons - for you partner I'm guessing sex is lower on his list of priorities than having a stable comfy lifestyle. You have to decide what is important to you and it sounds like a loving mutual sex attraction is high on that list.

It's hard to think about starting over at 48 in regards to relationship and love but as you pointed out he is more reliant on you than you of him. Trust me... lots of love out there in the world for a man of 48 who is still very active. Take the time to think through things once your emotions have dealt with this bomb. Plan and seek out some legal advice before jumping ship because as you pointed out he doesn't work and you might have a large settlement or be on the hook to still support him for X amount of time.

Hugs!