Help me understand myself

Writing on this thread again makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed but I hope I get some clarity on my thought process. My ex and I have been on and off since then. I have BPD and have been in therapy for 3 years. I believe he has BPD as well. This was an extremely heartbreaking and beautiful rollercoaster ride. My mind wants to get off, yet my heart is not ready.

 

It is beyond me as to why I have an attachment to this human being. I cannot let it go. This realtionship dynamic is a shadow of the one I had growing up, with a parent also suffering from BPD. Same comments, same push and pull factors, the exact same issues I was faced from a young age. I cannot seem to break free from this pattern. Despite the knowledge and reason I have within this relationship, the voice in my head telling me I was the cause for an unstable relationship.

 

Yes, I am codependent. Yes, this was an unhealthy relationship. Yes, it is wrong. Yet I feel so devalued and am soaking in self hatred.

 

Last month my ex and I broke up on mutual terms. From his end, he told me I don't make him a better person. I am 'plugged in' and care too much about what others think of me. On my end, I felt disposable and unappreciated. I was doing great after the break up. Make to my normal self after a few days. After several weeks, he reached out to me and we agreed to meet up because he wanted to apologize for the way things ended and expressed that he was projecting onto me. I was cold but felt like I deserved the respect that was lacking. We met up and spoke about how we both had faults. After hangout out a few more times as friends, he said he wanted to try this again. I believed him. I believed that this time around he seemed so much more aware. I was shocked to be honest. I love him unconditionally.

 

For a week straight, I felt like I was dating someone else. Someone who seemed more happy, more passionate within himself and more compassionate. It was too good to be true. After 7 days together and one day apart, he called me and broke it off for the 5th time. I said " It is what it is. I cannot make someone want me and I am not surprised". I told him I want no contact with him after this. He said he understood and expressed that he hopes I know he doesn't enjoy doing this.

 

After 2 weeks, for a week straight I ran into him at the most random places. It was extremely odd. I always said hi and no more than that. He really made it seem like we don't know each other. Blocked me off off of everything. My mind started paralyzing me with guilt and put downs. I reached out to him for clarity as to why he kept putting me through his games. I got the clarity and the devaluation that came with it. Starting with "you are perfect but I couldn't look past the white lies you've told in the past" to him ending with "This victim act is annoying, I came and I left and you act like it's the end of the world". Throughout the conversation, I didn't react nor resort to anything that seemed like I was impacted. I made sure he knew that I loved him and wanted his happiness regardless if it was with me or without me. I apologized for any wrongs I caused in the past (for the 10000th time). It seemed as if he was talking to himself at points... convincing himself that I was someone who I wasn't... seemed like paranoia. Instead of convincing him that these accusations were false, I listened. Instead of defending my character, I allowed him to get it off his chest. When I didn't react, he said I am the type of person to take a lie to the grave. Also expressing that subconsciously I was crutch throughout this relationship. Man was I hurt. Still replaying those words in my head.

 

I don't know how to stop myself from thinking I am everything he says I am. I hate myself for loving someone who disrespected me throughout the last 8 months. I cannot stop myself from wondering if he ever really loved me? We are NC of course, since I have some self respect left. Yet I cannot stop myself from wondering and accusing myself for this trainwreck. It seems like a pass on my behave. I am a loving human being who wanted to be loved back. Yet I was an item at someone disposal. How do I ease this internal pain and manage it from manifesting?

How do I ease this internal pain and manage it from manifesting?

By realizing and accepting that his behaviour was typical of someone with BPD who felt engulfed so he skipped out and his mental illness caused him to make the failure of the relationship all your fault. For the future, know that when you're on and off with someone, it's natures way of telling you that you're with the wrong person so save your heart and stay off permanently. I know that doesn't help you now but it is something to remember for in the future.

 

What does your therapist recommend that will help you to ease the pain and manage it from manifesting, GalRu?

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. My therapist seems to tie it back to BPD, starting with the relationship (pull and push cycle/codependency) to the overhyped emotions. Haven't really been guided on how to ease it or manage it.

Well, if he's true to his own issues (BPD) then you know that he'll likely be trying to hoover you back for more of the same dysfunction once the rehashed new relationship energy is depleted, or when he feels engulfed again or when he paints you black for a very menial reason.

 

I'm not trying to steer you away from this forum because it's a good one with lots of knowledgeable folks but I think that a forum for those with BPD or those who are related or in relationships with someone suffering from it would be very helpful to you as well.

 

Here is the link: