Seeking advice on the fear of ending a long term I relationship.

Hello everyone ! I will try to include only the important pieces to paint the most accurate picture for you. We have been dating since I barely turned 19, I am now just turning 26. It has been a roller coaster from the start - breaking up, getting back together . Great ups, horrible plummeting lows. He's 7 years older than me so I feel there is a communication gap, we don't have the same sense of humor but we do view many other issues the same. I grew up in a abusive household thick with alcoholism and drug addiction. My mom has mental issues like bi-polar disorder and my dad is a compulsive liar, bit of a narcissist. My parents couldn't break the cycle and put us kids through he'll growing up. I wanted out as fast as possible and as soon as I got out I drank heavily and partied, I met my boyfriend a couple months after moving out. I identify that I may be following what I know from growing up. I fear leaving him despite knowing it's not a healthy relationship. I'm terrified to the point of I feel like I would lose my mind and be able to function with out him,like he needs to leaveme.. But he never will unless I did something horrible and begged him to leave me.. Even then, but it would be out of character and I am too much of a coward. I have gone through cycles of intense anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts lately. I moved last year away from him (10 hours for a new job) and we maintain a long distance relationship. Why can't I just end it? What's wrong with me??? I feel it's cruel because he has no idea. It would work, but he has a terrible temper and is not willing to go to counselling. I don't want to continue my families cycle, but feel hopeless. If not him, maybe someone worse. Or I'd just be alone and scared. After the death of my best friend a couple years ago I felt he was my rock in a shaky and unfair world. But I can't help but feel I'm an unstable ticking time bomb anyways. Sorry if this is all over the place, it's the first time I've ever reached out about it and can't write all the information out without writing a book, theres a lot that has happened in the 7 years. Thank you to anyone that takes their time to read and reply, I appreciate all inputs.

It sounds like you want to leave the relationship, but you want him to end things. If you end things, then you'll feel guilty about leaving. Is this correct?