Looking for support.

I left my partner today .. it actually wasn't supposed to be so bluntly done, I was meant to call the police to ask for advice on how to leave safely and legally with my children.

They asked me questions about the situation, made an appointment to speak with an officer tomorrow at noon.... then within 1-2 hour there were unexpectedly 3 police outside my mother's house looking for me.

The police then started to call my phone (I was at home with him, putting the kids to bed), he overheard them asking me questions and got extremely upset.

I decided to leave to my mother's with the kids so that he could calm down.. He was reluctant to let our 2 year old leave but he did.

During this time, he went from crying and threatening suicide, to angry and making sly, threatening remarks under his breath. Whispering things into my son's ear and so on.

I haven't replied to his texts or phone calls since. I feel SO torn, on one hand I feel so guilty. When he's hurt, I feel hurt. I want to hug him and tell him sorry for upsetting him this way. I pray that when I go to collect some things tomorrow, that I won't find him dead.

I just don't know what to think right now... I don't want to live like this anymore.. but I cannot bear to see him so sad.

You can't be held captive to this man all of your life because he threatens suicide ...although I do know how this feels . My daughters father not only threatened it , he actually attempted it infront of me , he overdosed while I was stood there , just tipping pills down this throat ...I called an ambulance and another time he shouted me into a different room and when I walked in he had a noose around his neck and started to hang as I stood there with our daughter in my arms ... Oh god was I messed up after this , also the police and victim support helped me get away as well .

But I have to say this to you ...you left in March and went back , you left in June and went back ....you are going to screw your kids up good and proper , you have to take responsibility for your actions now ...he has proved twice he cannot change and you my darling , cannot live like this ..and your children most certainly cannot .

Do not go back on your own to get stuff ... You must remember what the women in the refuge told you last time , the pattern , the blackmail , you have to dig deep with every ounce of strength you have and keep walking forward with a proper child access order in place once he has calmed down .

be strong , I know exactly the horrible feelings you are having ...just fight through them .

So, the first fight is to get away from him, now you have to fight the co-dependence and feelings of remorse for doing this to him. But as the Pippy has said, you can't sturggle on in this cycle again and again. You will get more messed up and you are causing strife with your children. There has to be a safe way forward and you will find it you just have to keep focused on that. I know it feels like you have just torn your own heart out, but this had to be done and now the fight is for you to stay like this and move on.

Another little story so you know how easy it is to be manipulated ...I finally got him to leave ( but still had to move cities in the end ) and he had nowhere to go , he said no one would put him up , he would be left in the streets and rang me and said he was sleeping in the shed ...I felt so shockingly bad , I daren't let him in , but took him hot tea and loads of blankets ...it was just horrible to be doing this to a person and this is how they get us every time .

About an hour later , I was just going to bed , he rang the house phone and said look out of the window ....so I did , he had made a bonfire with all the blankets I had given him and said that would be me once I fell asleep .

My point .... you HAVE to be strong , I have heard it all , every bit of emotional black mail you can imagine xx

If you don't get out and stay ot for yourself, you have to do it for your children. I left my abusive marriage several times and always went back. Eventually it got so bad he physically abused me Infront of our daughter. That day I left for good. I had tons of support from my family and friends and they weren't letting me go back. Best thing they ever did for me. Mine never threatened suicide or anything but was a sobbing sorry man... And was supposed to be getting counseling etc which he wasn't.... They'll say and do anything to keep you from leaving but it's all still a load of BS... They aren't going to change. You can and will get thru this. Will it be easy, NOPE, but it is possible and the best thing for you and your children. Stay strong.

I woke up to these messages. Thank you all SO much. I needed to be reminded.

In my heart, I'm done. I know that I cannot live with him anymore, iv tried for years and it has never worked. I'm happy that the police are involved, because they were so supportive and it wasn't as scary as I thought.

I didn't reply or answer any of his phone calls last night but I need to go back to the house to pick up my things today, he called first thing this morning, I answered and gave him the option of leaving on his own will, i will fill up the vehicle and pack his belongings up or that I will have him removed.

He chose to leave on his own will, said that he will try to do this peacefully ... which I take with a grain of salt.

At this point, I'm unsure of how to proceed with custody and what not. I don't want the kids alone with him after he just threatened suicide last night.

I am going to head into the court today to make an emergency parenting order just to protect ourselves.

I am feeling much better today, so thank you all. Xx

I woke up to these messages. Thank you all SO much. I needed to be reminded.

In my heart, I'm done. I know that I cannot live with him anymore, iv tried for years and it has never worked. I'm happy that the police are involved, because they were so supportive and it wasn't as scary as I thought.

 

I didn't reply or answer any of his phone calls last night but I need to go back to the house to pick up my things today, he called first thing this morning, I answered and gave him the option of leaving on his own will, i will fill up the vehicle and pack his belongings up or that I will have him removed.

He chose to leave on his own will, said that he will try to do this peacefully ... which I take with a grain of salt.

 

At this point, I'm unsure of how to proceed with custody and what not. I don't want the kids alone with him after he just threatened suicide last night.

I am going to head into the court today to make an emergency parenting order just to protect ourselves.

 

I am feeling much better today, so thank you all. Xx

Well done my darling , I am ever so glad to read this strength and determination xxx

Hope it has gone ok getting your stuff . I will be looking out for an update xx you are not alone

After a very long day, I have just received a call from the police officer who iv been speaking with and they have served him with an emergency protection order. That includes staying away from me and the children, my place of work, the kids school and daycare..

I have to say, I'm more nervous now than I was.. I'm happy but feeling a pang of guilt.

I'm proud of myself though, I just wish I knew for sure that this was the right thing for all of us.

Sigh. I hate feelings!

After a very long day, I have just received a call from the police officer who iv been speaking with and they have served him with an emergency protection order. That includes staying away from me and the children, my place of work, the kids school and daycare..

 

I have to say, I'm more nervous now than I was.. I'm happy but feeling a pang of guilt.

I'm proud of myself though, I just wish I knew for sure that this was the right thing for all of us.

Sigh. I hate feelings!

You know yourself from the other times you left that these pangs of guilt do come and you second guess yourself , you start to wonder if you have gone to far , you blame yourself for things that have happened and question if you could have dealt with them differently ...all of this is normal , and it how so many people end up going back because they get so consumed with it . Stay strong and focused and look at your children every time you feel like that and know you have done the right thing x

It is very tough, many of the same emotions that get a lot of guys to work harder to protect and provide for their families have a dark side to them as well. What lengths would you go through if someone threatened to take away your children? A lot of domestic violence can actually be explained in terms of mate guarding behavior and protecting your DNA and seeing it successful in the next generation. This is really the ultimate goal of evolution. Having said that explaining is not the same as excusing, but understanding can help deal with it. I can understand the feelings of guilt.