2 against 1

I'm worried I'm losing my 2 best friends. Context: we've been friends since high school, we are now all 24. We managed to stay friends thru going to different colleges for 4 years. I went right to grad school, they moved home and started working. They would hang out all the time simply because they had more free time than I did. This obviously made me feel jealous and upset. However, I was not worried because we made it 4 years without seeing each other often.

We made plans to go to an event. Friend A texted the group saying "hey does anyone want to drive? I'll chip in for gas!" Friend B said the same thing. Which obviously left me. I didn't want to drive (it was an event where we could drink) because I drove to the last event where there was alcohol involved. But, I felt pressured to. So I said yes but a few days prior asked if anyone else wanted to drive or if we could take the train so that we could all drink. They complained and said the train was too expensive and that I should drive because I "drink less" than them. This made me feel like I was tagging along as DD instead of as a friend. We ended up not going, and I was called rude. It was implied that I was a bad friend because I didn't have free time to hang out with them. We didn't speak for months. I texted an apology and they also semi-apologized. I've tried to make plans with them several times and they are always "busy." Are they giving me a taste of my own medicine? Are they genuinely busy? Do they not want to be friends with me anymore? I want to ask but I don't want to seem desperate or crazy for asking. Thoughts?

Why didnt you all go to the event?

Why didnt you all go to the event?

They said they didn't want to go since it turned into a big deal about who was driving. I suggested the train and it seems like the only way they'd go was if I drove.

Growing up is tough. Friends grow apart. You all sound very immature putting demands on each other. You've got to make new friends and do things with them.

Or you could have an honest, heartfelt conversation with them (or one of them.) Tell her/them how you are feeling. That you miss them, and you feel left out even though part of it is your fault for not staying in touch more and making more of an effort. Express how they mean the world to you and why, and that you'd like to try and get together/talk more often. Maybe suggest a plan for a Skype call every Tuesday or a meet up once a month or whatever so you can change the dynamic.

I wouldn't just drop good friends because of lack of communication where both sides might be feeling unexpressed hurt or resentment, but what IS important is that you speak from the heart and tell them how much they mean to you and own your own part of dropping away.

Or you could have an honest, heartfelt conversation with them (or one of them.) Tell her/them how you are feeling. That you miss them, and you feel left out even though part of it is your fault for not staying in touch more and making more of an effort. Express how they mean the world to you and why, and that you'd like to try and get together/talk more often. Maybe suggest a plan for a Skype call every Tuesday or a meet up once a month or whatever so you can change the dynamic.

 

I wouldn't just drop good friends because of lack of communication where both sides might be feeling unexpressed hurt or resentment, but what IS important is that you speak from the heart and tell them how much they mean to you and own your own part of dropping away.

Thanks! I guess I am just nervous because I feel like I reached out to apologize and have tried to make plans so I don't want to look stupid. It would also really sting to have them say we don't want to be your friend anymore. But, I guess I should toughen up and try!

Thanks! I guess I am just nervous because I feel like I reached out to apologize and have tried to make plans so I don't want to look stupid. It would also really sting to have them say we don't want to be your friend anymore. But, I guess I should toughen up and try!

Reaching out to apologize when you don't really mean it to feel security again is very different than telling your friends what they mean to you from the heart, how you feel about what's been going on, and expressing how much you miss them. It doesn't require apology, it requires honesty. And yep, that means being vulnerable and owning your feelings. As I'm sure you've experienced at some point in life, when someone expresses from the heart, vulnerably owning those feelings, it can do wonders...

...And if it doesn't this case, so be it. Maybe they've moved on; maybe they are insecure because they are at home and you are moving forward in life. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you take that risk and communicate because they still matter to you and you love them. Good luck. Hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Reaching out to apologize when you don't really mean it to feel security again is very different than telling your friends what they mean to you from the heart, how you feel about what's been going on, and expressing how much you miss them. It doesn't require apology, it requires honesty. And yep, that means being vulnerable and owning your feelings. As I'm sure you've experienced at some point in life, when someone expresses from the heart, vulnerably owning those feelings, it can do wonders...

 

...And if it doesn't this case, so be it. Maybe they've moved on; maybe they are insecure because they are at home and you are moving forward in life. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you take that risk and communicate because they still matter to you and you love them. Good luck. Hope you'll let us know how it goes.

When I apologized I absolutely meant it! They also apologized and we all kind of admitted our own faults and said we needed to have better communication in the future. Which I think was positive! However I've tried to hang with them since and they're always "busy". They hung out last night and I was also free..would have been nice to get a text. This is what I was planning on sending: thoughts?

"Hey guys! Do you want to make a plan to hang? I really miss seeing you both. I know we are all busy but I'm hoping you still want to be friends. It obviously hurts a bit to see you guys hanging when I've been trying to make plans and am also free! I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd love to hang because your friendship means a lot to me, but it's hard for me to tell if you're on the same page!"