Is there anything I can do to stop the pain

I'm in the worst place of my life. And I've had a tough life. I know depression and grief and agony. But this is pure hell. I've got a chronic illness I was born with. It became life threatening 3 years ago, the same time I fell in love. He got me through it all. I've always been very strong, but I needed the strength he gave me and I survived and thrived because of him. I've battled for 3 years to stay stable. I've lost so much. I had to drop out of university, my parents divorced abruptly, I had to move home. I was constantly in and out of hospital. My mum started dating a guy my age and stop bothering to see me even when I was sick. 5 friends have died from my condition. I have been terrified of death every day. But because of my love, I could smile and be upbeat. I felt blessed. I wouldn't have given him up even for health. I'd experienced a healthy life for 20 years and it was great. But he made me feel transcendently wonderful. Even when I couldn't walk far and lost more independence. He was my light. He moved to be here with me & we were so in love. So happy.

But now he's gone. Without warning, he decided to end it. He wants to be alone. He wants to figure out what he wants in life. It's over. It's been 2 months and I'm unbelievably ill and depressed. I'm in hospital again. Worse than ever. I'm terrified I won't recover. But half the time I don't want to. I haven't had the strength to kill myself so some days I think...at least I'll fade away. I can't handle the pain and loneliness and loss. He's my true love. It's killing me.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I know nothing will help. But I'm desperate for help. I see psychologists. I can't take anti depressants as they nearly killed me once. Oh god. I can't do this.

I think the fact that you are posting this looking for help or advice is a good thing, it means you haven't given up. I am going through a break up right now too and sometimes it feels impossible to keeping moving forward, and I can't imagine that feeling coupled with a chronic illness. I am so so sorry that you are going through this, and I wish I could say that it will get better with time, but I think that based on what you have said, that may not be true. I think the best thing you can do right now is to occupy your time with anything that gives you an ounce of happiness or pleasure. Whether that is reading, watching youtube videos or tv, and listening to music, doing things that you enjoy will help the emotional side of things.

I really hope that things get better for you and that you are able to make the most out of life, that is all we can do.

Oh man, do I feel your pain! I've been sick all my life, 40 years of hell so I guess I can relate since I'm bedridden most of the year. The guy got cold feet. Sounds like he liked you just he same as you him and he knew that if he continued seeing you, he'd have to see you pass and that would be too hurtful for him. So he probably thinks that if he ends it beforehand, it won't hurt as much. But it puts you in an abandoned place.

Also sounds like your parents got really stressed from this and had a major crisis. I thin they might find their way back to one another in time, the young guy your mom chose, is a "right now" thing and will pass. Sounds like some sort of comfort, rather than a midlife crisis. I think people's reactions show how they all grief your situation. They sound to be in pain!

BUT; Question is what to do for YOU, since youre the one having been abandoned here. Hmm.. Five friends having passed isn't a good prognosis but there must be something to do that will comfort that we havent thought about. I know that goup therapy is big in the states, are there any support groups for your condition? Hm, you're situation is really tricky but we've gotta find you a suport net. Friends have helped me through rough patches since I dont have a family but 9 out of 10 times (and I DO have 40 years of experience) I have had to go through it alone..Well besides my incredibly faithful cat that is. Burmese cats are the best, they're so loyas, she sleeps next to me soo so close like she can sense something's wrong. And the days when Im really down, she acts like she knows and comes buffing at me like "You okay?"