Need Help, i am lost what direction to take.

Briefly will give the general situation, and my need to know NOW - question. If there is temple how to appropriate/logic share my all story , i will do it, because i think there is a lot of mistake from my part, so this can be very helpful, for others - just to avoid.

Physical:

-Me 37y old, She 39y old

-Together Almost 17 years, Married 10 year ago (I have initiate to get married (she want– but I decade to do it, it was wedding day just me, her and 2 friends), we have not have sex after wedding.

-We have Boy almost 9, and Girl 7

-She 160 cm/ 5.24 foot – Me 180 cm/ 5.87, weigh She 48-50/105-110 pounds kg Me 68/150 pounds kg (4.5 year ago I was 90-95 Kg/198-210 pounds)

Medical/Psychical:

Both - 12-13 y ago In the past we try to use pills (Deanxit) kind of pills for depressant (10 year ago), but there was not effect so we stopped. My wife is agents of this kind of medical treatment.

Her – 9 Y ago - With the firs kid – my wife use to take oxytocin for milk producing. During my first kid born, the doctors used forceps method; there is damage in her vagina and lips (just cosmetic – not any functional issues).

22-19y ago - My wife first sexual experience was reaping. Long before me – in teenage time ( 16-18 ) – she had told me – but I forgot. She had 4-5 relationships before me may be 3-4 was sexual.

My wife has short temper, react impulsive, say what is in her mind at the moment (if she decide she can control her). She was very moral (maybe she steel is – I am not sure) – for her the biggest value is to be honest and loyal. At her childhood, her father was in prison (volant act of jealousy), before the prison her father were very abusive to her mother/sister (drunk/jealousy problem), after the prison he has changed.

Me – Parents divorced, grow up with mother and grant parents, at age 8 year the abusive step father (to my mother) was introduced. At very young age 6-7y I have tendency to be interested to girl (intimate). During my born-my had was broken – so since I had born I grow up with less functional left had (it can be seen visual – I am far away from disable person). I develop Nice gay syndrome from very early age, because my self-esteem, mother (controlling – abused) and common rejection from girls – always friend /never boyfriend. I start watch porn (movies/magazine) since I was 11-12years old. I had one relationship with girl before my wife at age 18 (when I move to the university she dumped me – she was my first real sex experience). From 18 to 20 (we start dating with my wife at my 20y) – I had 5-10 girls that I had sex (no relation sheep – just sex for night or longer). We were kind of friends with my wife, before make together.

Story:

After my graduation I stay at the university as assistant professor and did my PhD, there was not a lot of money but I always made to found money when we needed. We do not divide incomes and outcomes, everything was/is ours. In general in the past i have money a side (just in case to bring out when we need), my wife ménage the money - I had left the most decision to her, I was like I do not care – do not have opinion. After my wife got pregnant with firs kid (I made the decision to have kid – mine reason was to make her happy!!!NiceGuy) it was the same about the wedding. So my wife stars to force me to finish my PhD (because the kid) – so I did.

My wife initiates to buy the flat (I was like “OK, if you want” NiceGuy)

At the time of kid’s pregnancy and firs year of our second childe – I was supportive – but was trading to escape as much as possible from home (she was tired, nagging, complaining, testing and all at wans).

6-5 Year ago I was (Head Hunted) from company to work as engineer, so we moved to another city (temporary), at this new job I was frustrated, scared and disappointed from my side (I was successful to cover my weaknesses (at my work place), but I share everything with my wife – complain, pity game, seek shelter from her – Nice Guy – Like BIG . But My income was 2-3 time more than the previous job.

I have gain the weight slowly but consistent (coach potato), neglect my wife and my kids, all the time frustrated of lag of sex, and not help her very much (if she ask – I did it, but show that I do not want to) I was very unsupportive at home, resent her because lack of sex/intimacy (as i want).

So in general – I always was and I am the main bread winner.

If she wants something I am founding the way to make it. (She was the one that put the way where we go, the decisions, she asked to comment with me – but I just agreed (if you want, if this will make you happy …..- Everything that I wanted was SEX

I was neglected HER, ISo I will put time frame when and what is happened related to this question.

2000y – we start dating. My wife had impression about me that I was player (got a lot of sex – that was a rumors about me. I just wanted to have someone with me (lowness). So we start dating, not so long after that we had sex, I was good. I found that I am not attracted to her, so I prefer to watch a porn instead of had sex with her, or watch the movies, play games and so on. I was not intimate to her (not give a ). She became very controlling/joules (in love), so I started laying to avoid conflict, allow my mother and father to use me / influences me (nice guy syndrome) so she loos respect to me, at this point we start to have problem with sex, she did not wanted (tired from work, not in mood, headache and so on), I also did not nothing to make her feel well – just Nice Guy cover contract.

2001, we start to have lack of sex. At his time her father had health problems so she was used (I was completely supportive) in the next 5 years, the sex was monthly based. Sometime she was initiating, more of the time it was me. It was not so good. I was a Nice Guy with porn fantasy, so ….At this time I was behave as polite jerk, and Nice Guying – just to cover some sex or/and to leave me alone.

2006, I decide and told her to got married (I was thinking how to make her happier – to have more sex aka “cover contract”), She was happy, but No SEX on wedding night.

2006 ago I decide to have a child, and we make it from second time – nothing happened to increase sex frequency.

2007, my first child was difficulty born (very hard time for her), there is damage on her intimate zone (cosmetic). After this time we had not had sex for year or so. At this time she had sow me to watch porn (I did not know until 3.5 y ago) At this point I think loos even more respect/attraction from her.

2008, It was a general test (We had first sex after first child was born), she told me if I quit smoke I will have sex every day – so I agreed. Of course it was not happened. So after 1-2 months not smoking I told her I will start smoke again (she treated as – take the smoke and out of the house (aka brake the relationships)). So I start laying (hide smoking).

2009, we had our second child. My wife becomes more tired, depressed, frustrated nagging. I was a nice guy (but thought as a jerk inside me – think about what I need and not have it). Up to this time my wife was menage the think in the way that I was not have any friend outside of work. So no casual friend meets. Only is there work events or business trip, I am not at home. Of course she was controlling on the phone, where I am, who I am so I was very and so on. And this was destroying all my evening. So I genera i preferred to be at home instead of go somewhere (if possible)

2001, I change my job to better one. We move to other place. She hopes to have new beginning of our life. There is not change anything; I was frustrated from the new job, from lack of sex, depressed, for her was the same, not feel loved from me, be alone.

From the second year of our relationships to the twelfth aka (15 year ago to 5 year ago) in general:

1. I was passive aggressive nice guy, use any opportunity to put down her mentally (sneaky) and punish her for lack of sex or/and for nagging me or tested. (this was concisely and un-concisely)

2. I was Addicted to porn, laying her about almost everything to avoided conflict (tell her what she wanted to here). Hide smoking, because of this I have isolated her from any of my surrounding (to not be cached)

3. She was isolating herself from outside world, very focused of the kids – close to the clinic case. Depressed. Controlling. Nagging. Sheet testing (I had fall down from all sheet test).

4. She was told me, when we argue about lack of intimacy (sex) to go out and found someone else. She commonly said she do not want (cannot) do the sex. She wants to make love (to fill).

5. I have spent more hours at work (to handle my work issue, and not be at home (depressive atmosphere)

6. I was behaving like in front of her: be sad, complains about sex, complaining about work issue, show insecurity about the work, Ask her what to do (for work, about her, about everything). Leave her to do everything about the new flat and so on …..Behave like another woman in same home.

7. In this period she tries to play Dread game with me 2-3 times. (I recognize this from now perspective). She told me these 6 months ago or so.

8. At this period I was not set clear boundary about me. I always look for women attention, flirt (not obvious), and fantasies about other woman, do not like my wife. Never cross the line as cheat (because my avoiding situations). What kept me to not go further at this point was, deep inside I was not need a sex, I needed to be in love to someone, and that was not my wife (i have resent her).

2012, I was at business trip in foreign country for two weeks. So I was trying to make sex night with some girls (flirting) I was not very good because I was shin (low self-esteem) – in the end of this course it happened to seduce a woman we were together 2 nights. I was feel very guilty but I justify myself that I had not a sex at home and now I have opportunity to do it.
When I went home I make the mistake to contact her (OW1). So we become the Internet relationship (I have start to have dopamine from it). After 2-3 months in my infidelity I had changed myself, my wife recognizes it. My wife start initiates sex and behave not so controlling. I organize to meet OW1 ones again (I was convinced that this will be the last time seeing her). Because of my wife behavior or/and (limerance ”dopamine” go out) or/and shame of what I am doing, I started loose interest about OW1, but I already was book flights/hotels/made” lays” and everything else related to cheating husband, for me this was just one week wiled sex.
2 months before to meet OW1 – I felt for first time that I can be happy with my wife, so I wanted to confess my longest lay, that I was smoking – I other to have more social life with my wife – bring her to my work weekend parties and so on. So it was as nuke, she wonted to Levee, divorce – in the end the thing was settle down (but no sex and intimacy). She asked me am I going to quit I have said yes (Again Nice Guy – I have stopped for 2-3 months) so I continuous smoke in hide mode for everyone.
 

 
2013, So the time come for my sex trip, my wife asked to come with me, I said it is too expensive. I prepare some presents for OW1 and went there. I had sex with OW1 but dreamed for my wife. I have started fill in love about my wife (it could be from gilt or/and from my wife better behavior) – here I will say that I was take my wife behavior for granted – I did not change my behavior trough her and my kids, I was cold and offal.
in the end of 2013, I was intimate wit coworker (OW2), after new-year party at hotel room, kissing and touching, she was drunk, – It was not planed ). The only reason to safe myself from sex was that I had not condom. Next morning I have to drive OW2 to her town, and fast go back to meet my wife. It was very fast driving and a lot of lies, so these push me a little to wake-up (What I am doing? Why I am doing) – but for a while. (For this night my wife had strong filing – she told me later).
So I continuous to have her for granted, mostly think about porn and work. And not be so affectionate to her or to the kids. My wife suspicious me to have or/and had affaire, she bull ed, tested and so on. In this period I use to swear to my kids, promise to not lie and so on and so on ….
 

 
So the time has passed, I have stopped the OW1 contact totally, my wife cached me about the smoking, again wonted to leave. So she starts smoking with me (aka. You can smoke if I smoke, if I don’t you cannot – like a daily walk of the puppy. With the time things went more comedowns. I was very deep into the porn, there was nights I make 8-12 hits.
 

in the end of 2013 and beging of 2014, my wife start aggressively ask about if I had infidelity, it was nightmare, and she was known I was week in this kind of pressure. In mi mind there was an opportunity to put everything on the table (lies, infidelity, filings, problems ….) and start again the new experienced marriage. I was sure that I love my wife, that I like/want/attracted to her, that I want to change my self (be better husband\father).

2014/01There it was D-day. My wife claimed if I said everything she will accept, lived behind and build new marriage (she was laid me or/and herself) in range of the night I have told everything. She wanted me to leave – I told her that she promise something, she claimed that I did not say everything it ones. It was terrible. I start pack my things to leave. She brings me back from the door (because of the kids). Next day she call my father for advice, my father told her that the divorces is the easiest way, so she is decide to stay together with me. In the next 15 days we had 5-6 sex, the first time she wonted to show her how I was doing sex with OW1. It was test I filed (I did it). Days later she initiated sex by massage me. But that was to short time frame. She kissed me only when I show how I made sex with OW1. The rest of the time it was very passionate sex for me and for her as well. The last time was just 1 min, we were in vacation for 4 days in valentine days (in the shower).
She told me that she I grateful to me that I have should to her that she can do just SEX (kind ironically). In the past one month it happened to jerk next to her (I wanted to share everything with her (she does not react), she told me that if I want sex – first to ask her (this was in kind of rational moment – after that many emotional days have pasted), ones she asked why I do not want sex from her – I respond that I wanted but think she do not want (she say nagging, yes I do not wont!!!), The time pasted, I had doing everything to please her (I red some information, what to do) I tried not to blame her, be stoic, care for her and my kids, it was painful to sow what I have done.

2014/04 (3m post D-day) I initiate consoling (I was panic to leaving). She went skeptic, refuse to follow any plans, or give intimacy time or anything else. She only asked when she will trust me again. Everything that consoler proposes as action plan from my side was already done by me. From here side she have done all mistake that I have red (except to revenge cheat – at least up to this time)

2014/05(5m post D-day) we went on trip, I have mixed my business travel with vacation I Parish (for her birthday). Right before we left the home, she refuse to come I played and she come. In this period her grandmother had passed away (very traumatic to her).

2015/07 (1y6m post D-day), we were on vacation for 3 days, she drop the bomb that she want divorce and separation (up to now I had not pressure her to sex or anything else – but was passive aggressive, Nice Guy, Putty party and so on). I have expected her to wake up and start building our family. I had beg, to stay together because of kids, and I do not want anything from her (I was in panic). After that thing has settle down, the timing of verbal abuse moments of verbal from her side, has decreased. I was involve in kind of project at work (so I focused myself in this, I thought that with the time passed thing will got better). I neglected her and myself as well. I had support her to go out to find job to distract her. So at this time I treated her with silent (passive aggressive) – because she do not put effort to our marriage (I thought she is only leave with me).

2016/04 I had notice change in her behavior; there was a new neighbor (OM). So there was 2-3 times when I come back from work and they drink coffee on the balcony. So i was coll. Week after that she told me that she is curies where is he, she message him but he is not respond. So that was my big kick. I have check her phone so I found many calls to him, and few messages (aka. Thanks for the cake it was delicious, do you want drink coffee, his messages was in kind so) my concern was that she was seeking contact with him. So I became track her calls and messages and so on (I fall in jealousy/panic/rejected mode) at this time she start to be rude to me, very cold and distant. Be angry when I gave her flowers or/and show affection VERY rude. I also start be more hygienic (take shower every day), change clothes and so on. She got angry about my changes.

2016/05 So in general what I have found up to this time is that she want to contact him, spend time speaking with him (she was told me that he made her laughing) and he is not like other men (look for sexual things). So I softly told her that I fill not so well about him, that I feel sad that she can spoke and be interested in conversation with him, but she cannot do the same with me. She told me that with me she has a lot of baggage, with him is casual fun. Ok I let like this; I hoped she will consider the situation.

2016/06, She liked my change (behave more polite), I was affectionate, look good and lost more weight (the jealousy sock me). I continuous track her phone and a bug exposes everything. She confronted me, so I tried to hold but then, conversed. I told her that I know she was deleted some sms (she reposed that she clean her phone, after that she told me that, she was did with purpose to see how I will react) – She Dread Test me or and/she lied. It is possible that she start be attracted to him, and then uses the situation. So in general she said there is nothing there, and after my cheating how dear to ask such a thing, and she did not anything wrong and disrespectful. I said sorry to go in her privacy; I explain why I react in this way. She wanted to leave me/or she live with kids, this time I said OK, if you think that you will be better without me, than ok, and I have started to search the flat near bay. Then she calm down. Next day she was telling me she was close to leave to her parents with the kids but decided to stay because of them, than I had say OK. So I started behave confident about Him, she made situations to have casual meeting with him, drink beer and so on, I just was present (inside I was in panic, but not showed), at this time she was tell me (just from nothing), that I have everything (pointed him), I have family, kids, house good job, we are health and so on (she did not talk about our relation sheep that sucks), I agreed with her (I felt like sheet test – to push me in complain about our relation sheep)

2016/09-We were together with her friend (OM?), she behave like a girl, exited, talkative, jocks. It is look like she is attracted to him, it was like i was not there. His behavior was according my presents. Soon after that i confronted her about, her behavior/filings about him - So the conversation transform in her crazy mode, where she complain about how I have destroy her, that she do not wont men in her life especially me. I just listened and do not react, like just ignore. At this time, there was 2-3 casual beer drink with OM together. I notice that she become very active when she is around him as well as got angry/sad if OM reject her in some way. After other situation about, she want to be with him (i have shown not like this) we go home she told me, I should overcome this (jealousy thing) – I look her into the eyes (serious) – and ask Do you rely want to talk about this? She said yes. So I Ask her what is happened with this OM – she said there just friend, she feel very positive around him, he is funny, hi is not like other men (show sexual interest), he make her fill wonderful, he behave with her very well – but as she told me mouths before, when I snoop her phone, there is nothing else. I told her that she behave around him like a small girl fall in love; I told her that there was not a behavior like that, since first year of our relationship, at this point she got defensive – and went in y mode – again she told me that she is not happy, she is me only because of kids, and everything will be OK when we separate, to go out to found a other woman to make me happy and leave her alone (aka-not to ask her behave like my wife)- most of the time I was bold and listened. She told me like many times before that she is someone else, I made her like that- and she told that I do not want to accept this, I told her that I accept her like she is, but I will not change mi mind set because she is like that. I told her that I have made decision (D-day), about what I want in my life and will walk in this direction does not matter what.
I told her that I am ok with OM – and I believe what she said (i believe she is attracted, may be fall in love, and she deny to her, for sure there is a lot of dopamine). After this situation there was not more time spend together. The OM girl friend is also very jealousy about his iteration with us (m wife). She behaved rood about my wife (not saying thank about cake – my wife send to them by our kids). So my wife went in resentment mood, depressed and so on. Talk about OM GF behavior and so on. I have tried to not manipulate my wife in this situation, just observe. I notice that my wife star be cold to him (observe what she saying about her interaction with him – when OM go to my wife as client).

2016/10 – in the last time my wife I suspicious about me that have OW, because I am very clean, positive and so on. It was a situation to went close to her job with the kids – I call her and as if she want to come to her, she responded why not (instead of great, you are welcome ….). We went there, she behave like ignoring me, not talk to me, not look into my eyes, nothing!!!??? (). She paid attention to my daughter and son, but not to me. Then suddenly the OM come with his GF, I went out of the shop and start chat with him, after while I take my kids and told my wife that we leave. She ask why, what happened, did the kids piss of me???. I said No, I take food for the kids and the will eat into the car – say by and leave. She calls after 30min and ask if there is something else (because OM and his GF lived as well after me). I said no, just wanted the kids have their food into the car. My wife call again before she come at home (ask what we are doing – check how I am) – I behave casual positive. When she come home she ask if I am OK, then I look Right Down (she notice – she develop some body language reading during my affaire periods – to found out when I lying and so on). She said there is something else tell me (I got panic – it was good that I thought if I want to confront her about her behavior or not, the bed was that there was not so much time to get myself in smile and say there is nothing more, so I confronted her. I told her that I felt ignored, so I decide that will not tolerate this and will leave. She told me that she even not recognize her behavior – she ignore me because she believe that I have OW, she is ignore me because she is thinking that I have track her phone again and I come to her work place because OM, she is ignoring me as test and so on…., or it is conches, she is obsessed because OM will come, she have no respect at me so I am like chair why she should pay attention and so on), in both cases i felt that I should react. The point was am I going to tell her that will not tolerate this or behave in curtain way without explain my filings. So I told her that I fill ignored. She told me that she not fill guilty because she did not do nothing wrong, I said that I am tell her this to fill guilty, but to tell her how I felt, I told her that I will not hid what I do not like in order to please her. Then I was push her when said that I was sure there is reason to ignore me, she got in to Crazy mode. I was very calm. Talk with smooth tone, and low voice. Later she try to fight again (telling that she do not want to do nothing for her /clean/meals/nice thing/), also told me that always go very sensitive when I have OW??(I do not have). Next day, of course I am filing very guilty about that I said what I want, but did not call her, she was call but missed, then she call again – she asked if I ignored her call with purpose, I said I did not. she asked if today I will got late (aka she is sure I am having meet with OW – I respond- now I will be on time WHY? – I just thought you will got late). Then she told me that she was not did ignoring me with purpose (like try to warm the situation), , I respond, OK as you say, I just wanted to say how I felt, at this moment like I sow I was week (she started in crazy mode) and all thing again, that she do not want any man in her life, that we are together for the kids, that she will not allow and do not won to let the animal things happened (aka – sex desire), that she will not stop me ar make something else when I want OW, that she do not wont to leave – and she leave because of the kids, that she is changed and do not believe in real human relationship like honesty, love and so on, that she will not allow me to break down her again, just to leave her alone and not abuse her with my needs and so on…(she cried on the phone)
In respond I told he, that i am changed as well, that I am strong enough for both of us, that she is not able to push me away with her behavior, that if she overcome the fear we can make it, that I do not want our relation sheep as it was, and we can make it new one that will last, I told he that I am not going to agree with her because she expected or to please her and so on (my voice was not week, I was not begging, I was very calm, listening and respond, like totally ignore what she said) the call end I told her have a nice day bay, she respond you are ironic ….Later she call (it was not her it was my daughter) my dither asked me why I think her mom was ignoring me, I told her that may be I was just misunderstood, right after that my wife called me and asked if I want to go into the shop to by something (I asked if they want to come with me or to go by myself, she told me that’s se fill tired and broke down and…yada yada, so I said ok, bay). 40min later (I have to travel to my work 1hour), she call me again to ask where I am a told her, she asked what was my decision about the shop, I asked if she wont to come or not, she said she did not know and so on and so on (I found this as comfort test) so, I have said got ready I am coming. The most of the time she behave very positive, I also behave more alpha, walk in the shop not follow her everywhere.
Yesterday – we are at home, I behave polite cocky. Try to joke with her (the sex topic big taboo) – so I joke her a little, I do not follow her into the house; do not ask her what she was doing into the day. I am behaving with her like with sister. At the evening she got earlier in the bed before me and the kids, and ask if she can set task for me about tomorrow (last 3-4 months she did not as nothing because I was doing everything – now after day before – when she said that she do not want nothing from me) – so I said try me with cocky smile, she asked to clean the flat with vacuum- I respond we will see depend by what will be my mood when wake-up with smile and leave the room to care about the kids.

2016/10 So, The situation wit OM, changed. OM withdraw some how (maybe his GF force the situation), at the same time i was promote, so my wife stop looking for OM so intense, i sow her suffer for a week, pain, depressed and so on ....like fall out of love ?!?
So the thinks fall back to normal. No intimacy between us, from time to time she gas lighting me, pick up fights (i had ignore), and slowly i neglected her, not pay so much attention to her. She use every opportunity to show her resentment, to say how she do not believe there is love (i made this), that she do not want any man near her (emotionally).

2017/02 So the time has pass, i have notice her behavior change (more like gut filing), felt she is indifferent, not so chatty about her day, nagging .. I found FB chat wit her client/male friend..(OM2), so i get suspicious, i had change my self start be more cold and distant (she found that as butt hurt), the chat was casual b**l S**t, but instantly increase the amount of chat, i was like friend/flirty. So they were drink coffee at work, and she invite him to our him for a coffee. I did noting (do not confront - just made to be noticed i dislike).

2017/02 He insisted, she to come t his place for coffee, she agreed. At this point I confront my wife (told her thar accidentally i sow/read her FB chat) and i think tat is inappropriate for a merited woman, chat so much, and go to coffee with male alone. She go in rage mode, that i was snooping, she did not did/doing nothing wrong and what i want from her, she is not with me, we are together only about the kids.

2017/05/20 Now, In last 3 month we had 4-5 talks about US, all talks was pick up by her as a gas-lathing, she openly chat with him in front of me, i think she believe me that i have not read her FB chat.

Since D-Day, i swing from different type of behavior, Beta, Alpha, Doormat .....and so on

I relay do no know how to behave to recover my marriage or build new relationship with my wife.

4 years ago i decide t do my best for the children and us. I have learn from my mistake in this 17 years.

Now i feel existed and lost.

Please give me direction, my wife is full of pain/resentment/anger/disgust/frustration .....over me (there is reasons), i am working on my self.

Thank a lot.

To much information, I only skimmed.

Due to infidelity, your wife divorced you and now you want to woo her back and remarry?

Helpful hint:

- Think about what you really want and ask about it in short sentences.

Enormous posts like that rarely get a lot of input. OP, can you make a small summary please? It will make it much easier to understand what is going on. Thanks.

small summary

• I have cheated to my wife (5 years ago), she forces me to convince (3.5 years ago promise to have new beginning of our marriage). She is full of resentment, anger about me.
  
• We live together like roommates. 17 y together, 11Y married, 2 kids 7 and 9 years ld.
  
• At the moment she has male friend, that she purchases very hard FB chat and meet for the coffee, i think she is in limerrance to him. This began 4 months ago. I have confronted her (according Atol Kay book “c**k Block”, and there were more or less “We are just friends” speech. When she is at home, she has two different behaviors, first to be on FB – then she is like in fog, second do thing in the house with me (she is present), she switches between these modes.
  
• It is look likes she is in Middle life crises, triggered by my infidelity. The statements I want to divorce you, it is not going to be ok, was 1 year 6 months past D-Day. Since then she switches from pity party, anger, blaming, gas lathing.
  
• From more or less 4 years we do not have any intimacy kiss, sex hugs. Only intimacy is, when she want to massage her legs, back, hands. At the beginning of this months she asks me to massage her butt and hips with special oil agents the fats, so I am doing this, and not trying to do any sexual moves.
  

Part of Her statements, aka mind set

• I am different person Now, you changed me.
  
• I do not allow, any man to do to me what you did, I do not believe in Love or other human relation (intimate), I will not allow You to do to me this again
  
• You are selfish to not to think about your kids (when I say, I am going to leave, during our arguments)
  
• She uses every opportunity, to gas-lighting me, blame about my infidelity.
  
• I can put more statements, if needed.
  
• Go to find woman to have sex, and live me alone.
  
• If I want man for sex, I will found
  
• She says that with her male friend, she forgets about her bad thoughts, aka miserable life.
  
• She says there is a lot of pain in her
  
• She says, with me only for the kids
  
• She says that, her life is gone, there no value in her life and she lives only for the kids, anything else does not mean nothing.
  
• In front the other she behaves that her family in fantastic, up to now o do not found to complain about me with any one.
  
• She says, there is not US, US do not exist since you decide to be with other woman, there is not marriage, I am not yours I am not anyone else.
  
• When we are in present of other, and some other woman pay attention to me, my wife behaves strange, touch me on the hand or say something to show that I am hers.
  

About male friend (OM)

• I notice the change in her (interaction with me) in the middle of 02.2017, the I found she began chat FB with OM, hi is her client, she is hair dresser, normally see him every 2 weeks.
  
• I have track her FB, it is common, when she starts write to OM, to call me by the phone) 3-10 min later, about any reason. What does mean? This become when I confront her about him.
  
• At the beginning the intensity if the contact was by him, the chat was casual with lite flirt (not sexual) and emoticons. She invites him at our house for coffee, she tray to tell me before that, I ignore her (show that I am not OK). Last month I notice OM become more distant, my wife star almost all contacts, and the last she asks him that she miss the talks with him, and she have the impression that someone else chat instead of him, he respond that it is him, hi is very tired and will be like dis next 2 months, she write she want he be ok and want to talk with him but will not disturb him and will wait until he being in mood, he respond that she not disturb him, just now he is in a such period.
  
• She is not deleting her FB chat, she knows I can read, she chats in my presents as well.
  
• I have listen one time of their coffee meets, there was casual conversations, nothing out of, in the end of third meeting 2 hours, he compliments her about her look, she was girly, then she says that these 2 hours were for her real pleasant time, that she enjoys a lot. After that she explain by FB again now much appreciates the spend time with him, hi respond very short, for me as well, 2 months ago was common for him to explain how much pleasant were the meeting for him.
  
• He is 25y old.
  

What I am/want

• My wife is/maybe damaged by her childhood, sexual abused in her teens, so I demerged he even more. I see my mistakes in my/our life, and want to give her better man/husband that I want to be.
  
• My wife is very stubborn person, she can do everything if she decides, if she feel forced to something she will fight agents even if this is bad for her.
  
• I know why/where/how I damage my family. I really want to save it!!!!
  
• I do not use porn/masturbate from 2 months, I am going to keep this.
  
• When found out about OM, I have started exercise, month after that she become exercise as well, not as intense as me, but like follow the example.
  
• I do not complain/pity party/blame/ or anything else to her. It is looks like I am distant, but she shows me that she is not interested when I speak about my day.
  
• Our last fight was week ago, it is starts when OM write on FB, so I became distant and she pick the fight. I was in control of myself, something different in this situation, It was a situation, and i went close to her sit, look into her eyes and with firm, low voice have sad "Do not try me" (aka about OM or and other mans). Since then she occasionally has admit, how much i disappointing her with this, and how this kill the little amount of good filings about me in her, but her behavior over me has change in better direction, she is more pleasant with me, more talkative and so on. Of course this can be because OM wiredraw a bit at the same time?!
  

My questions

• From too months ago, I give her space, not call at the day (just to say hi or something, only logistic, she is the one call to me). Should I continuous this?
  
• I do not ask about her day where/what/who about, if she is in mood she talk about. Should I continuous this?
  
• I have avoiding any opportunities to be out of the house when she is at home, I am looking to spend all free of work time together with her/kids, she is doing the same. For now, she is not going out when I am at home. Should I continuous to the same?
  
• When she says: she is not my woman anymore, she will not be with me intimate never, she does not care what I need, to go to found other woman and live her alone, and so one – how to respond? Ignore, explain, agree or? Currently I just ignore or say I sorry that she fills like that. In respond she says to not be ironic about that I am sorry!
  
• Up to now I did not say to her that I give up our marriage.
  
• How to handle OM in the picture?
  
• How to handle her accusing me to have OW?
  
• How to handle her blame game?
  
• How to handle her pity party game?
  
• Should I be nice and pleasant to her, not like cover contract, just be like this does not matter how rood or resent is she?
  
• What should be my strategy long term (about the marriage) and short term about OM?
  

I am staring to read/listen “Love Must Be Tough” and “If Only He Knew”

I hope this will be more focused.

Thanks a lot in advance

Better, but still too much info/rambling.

Let's try this. I ask a questions and you answer in one sentence or LESS.

You cheated on her multiple times with various women?

She caught you, or you admitted it?

Some sort of reconciliation took place whereas you could keep living in the house, but not really as a married, loving couple?

You were okay with this sham of a marriage until she met someone four months ago?

Now you're in a tailspin and want to fix it?

By the way, Dobson's "Love must be Tough" would be a book for her, not you.

You only need to read Smalley's "If only he knew"

Better, but still too much info/rambling.

 

Let's try this. I ask a questions and you answer in one sentence or LESS.

 

1.You cheated on her multiple times with various women?

2.She caught you, or you admitted it?

3.Some sort of reconciliation took place whereas you could keep living in the house, but not really as a married, loving couple?

4.You were okay with this sham of a marriage until she met someone four months ago?

5.Now you're in a tailspin and want to fix it?

 

 

By the way, Dobson's "Love must be Tough" would be a book for her, not you.

You only need to read Smalley's "If only he knew"

1.Yes, at trip 2 night stands, after that 6 months chat, then 1 week meet OW1 in other country and one night stand with co-worker OW2 (kiss and touches)

2.One year after last connect OW1 and 1 month after OW2, she play mental/abusive game on me, and i have brake down/admit all and everything i have lied in our life.

3.Yes, If i do not pressure her with nothing (where/haw/who), be at home after work, do chores, kids, agree with her and handle her black mails. She will be OK

4.this is second One, year ago there was similar situation,i have force my self to show my disagreement (according books i have red - Atol Kay). I am not OK, i want to change in better direction.

5.YES, Yes and yes.

Thanks

"5.YES, Yes and yes."

- Good, but it's not going be the way you think.

You have to let her go, and become a non-selfish, honorable man.

Then maybe, just maybe, she'll see and come back in your direction.

This could mean divorce, but you don't have to initiate it.

Instead, you must, with your new-found honor and respect for yourself, let her divorce, if she so chooses.

Your new honor for yourself will answer all questions. (What you can and cannot do)

"5.YES, Yes and yes."

- Good, but it's not going be the way you think.

 

You have to let her go, and become a non-selfish, honorable man.

Then maybe, just maybe, she'll see and come back in your direction.

 

This could mean divorce, but you don't have to initiate it.

Instead, you must, with your new-found honor and respect for yourself, let her divorce, if she so chooses.

 

Your new honor for yourself will answer all questions. (What you can and cannot do)

Thank you very much Laster,

I am slowly try to become honorably man, the problem is that i do not know what in reality is look like.

I will start with to be not selfish, then will see what will happen.

Can i post some situation in future to ask how to behave in honorably way?

"...the problem is that i do not know what in reality is look like."

- Humility, is what it looks like. And if you are like me, you can't be humble without knowing and fearing God.

"Can i post some situation in future to ask how to behave in honorably way?"

- Of course.

Food for thought:

You now know what it feels like when a wife talks to another man. Her pain is not only equal to yours, but most likely greater.

While you were at work one day, thinking that's all there is to life, she was watching you in her mind, give away your daughter seventeen years from now.

She suffered and still is suffering.

Her infidelity was most like a reaction. Yours was by design.

"...the problem is that i do not know what in reality is look like."

- Humility, is what it looks like. And if you are like me, you can't be humble without knowing and fearing God.

 

"Can i post some situation in future to ask how to behave in honorably way?"

- Of course.

 

Food for thought:

You now know what it feels like when a wife talks to another man. Her pain is not only equal to yours, but most likely greater.

While you were at work one day, thinking that's all there is to life, she was watching you in her mind, give away your daughter seventeen years from now.

 

She suffered and still is suffering.

Her infidelity was most like a reaction. Yours was by design.

Thank again, Laster

I have a question,

How to behave about OM (Male Friend)?!

Jus accept as it is, do not bring any issue about it, and leave as usual, or ... what to do (i just d not want to miss something i must do. If i ignore this, it may look likes i do not care. I think if it is right i can handle this (at least fake it till make it).

best Regards

"If i ignore this, it may look likes i do not care."

- Ignoring her and the voice in your head is what got you here in the first place.

What I will suggest works best with honorable men who screwed up. (Hard!)

You're screwed-up, but want to be honorable. (VERY hard, but at the same time, VERY noble! *)

Within earshot of your wife, you either call him, or intercept one of his calls and tell him:

"I want you to stay the F away from my wife, do you understand?" If he doesn't hang up, and starts to respond, say it again, much louder voice and then hang up.

This will the last time you talk to him.

Remember, he's not the problem, you are. (Those guys are a dime a dozen.)

Sooner or later she will throw him in you face. When she does:

The normal response would be, "Good, you deserve each other."

But your case is different, you can only say, "I understand".

* Many, if not most husbands have trouble changing their attitudes.

"Within earshot of your wife, you either call him, or intercept one of his calls and tell him:

"I want you to stay the F away from my wife, do you understand?" If he doesn't hang up, and starts to respond, say it again, much louder voice and then hang up."

-If there is opportunity - aka He approach my wife inappropriate (texts or anything else) i will do it. For now i will hold the topic (it is look like he is hold back, do not FB as it was before), my wife, now play hard to get with him, she do not FB as well. I think for now she believe that i do not track Her FB (not 100% sure).

From one week or so, i have stopped any M and R, conversation. When she bring the topic (gaslight, nag or so) just change the topic or mute. And be pleasant and positive all the time.

My question is should i show my real filing, or avoid at any cost everything different than positive ?

Thanks

"M and R"

- So I don't have to guess, please use words.

"Filing"

- ?

-------

If I understand the gist of you writing correctly:

She's hurt and mad because of you. When she's is talking to you, no matter what she is saying, IT IS GOOD!

When she's not talking, that's when you should be worried.

Most responses to should be:

1. Thoughtful listening.

2. Saying you understand and are sorry.

3. Silence.

-----

It's not about being positive.

It's about you changing from who you were into a different person. (Hope)

-----

Did you finish "If only he knew" ?

Sorry M = marriage R = reconciliation

I tough here is used,

Again Sorry

I am in the middle of "If only he know",- it is similar to other win her back, that i have red last 3-4 years.

I apply all of this, but like cover contract "aka Nice Gay syndrome", it is mean it is not noble.

You were very right, thanks telling me this, i needed some one to tel me this -like you (who can understand the situation by his heart). Last year i spend applying Red Pill philosophy (as good as i can), but this do not work, with damaged by you woman, who resent you by her core.

regards

'...it is similar to other win her back,"

- "Win" is a secular band-aid invention. Men/husbands love stuff like that. (Think date nights, flowers, taking the garbage out, and other quick and easy remedies.)

Smalley is about understanding a woman enough so you can help her become a genuine wife.

Recap:

Secular Pop Culture says a woman magically turns into your wife after a expensive day, with some quickly muttered promises and I do's.

Smalley says you must understand and prepare for you wife long before you meet her.

The wedding day is for the photo album, the wife is invented in the years that follow, with your genuine love and understanding.

-----

Start re-reading it again.

Think about his first example where a soon-to-be divorced husband is advised to give his departing wife more than she's asking for.

How does that sit with all the "win" her back books, and advisors.

-----

Helpful Hint:

If you were going to buy a diamond, would go to a baker for advice on how to chose it?

Yes, i am agree about win her back (i all ready did this) with opposite effect, because i have done it to win her back, but not make her life better (very selfish).

When i show affection to her, in the past i can saw her disgust in her yes. Now i do not do any thing with cover intention. I fight very hard my self, when felt disappointed about her not appropriation.

So currently, i do my best, in any moment when we are together, this time to be quality time:

-Do not judge at any cost

-Listen when she speak

-Try to speak, if i see she is not interested, just shut up, but not but hurt

-Do not act passive aggressive

-Do not pressure her

Laster, please define the different between Doormat and Honorable/nice man

I have spend a lot of time reed Red Pill, philosophy, and i do not want to be seen by her as doormat.

Thanks Best Regards

"please define the different between Doormat and Honorable/nice man"

The slang 'doormat', is mostly used as a quick in/quick out explanation of someones serious, underlying issues/insecurities.

Depending on the situation, a nice guy can be honorable, but certainly doesn't have to be.

An honorable guy has serious limitations to what he can and can't do. Generally speaking, these values are not based on what people think of him.

Example:

A nice guy can live with drug addict.

An honorable man will try and help him, and if that doesn't work, he will throw him out. (Not willing to be culpable for his wasted life/death.)

PS, Red pill philosophy? Is that for real and if so, what does it mean?

Hi, sorry for late respond.

"PS, Red pill philosophy? Is that for real and if so, what does it mean? "

That is philosophy of "manly" behavior with women/wife.

In general -do not sow emotion, do not alow her involve you argument, do not explain, make her insecure by being likeable fo other woman

/

I have try to imply some of the thing there, but it maybe work for other situations not mine.

Now, i have situation my wife tomorrow will her friend for the coffee, i know (she do not know that i know). I think do not react shut up, and play positive, do not bring nothing. If she says about, what to say? Last time 2 months ago (her first coffee at his please), she tray to say that she going there the day before, i ignore and was frustrate, the she stops talking about.

According "If only he knew"-i should live the situation to develop as it is, and be positive and do not punish her (bay negative behavior) because she wont spend time with other man. For now i am pretty sure, they do not sex/kiss and do not say i love you. What i am very sure, is that she want to spend time/speaking/chat with him a lot (dopamine hit), and she know that i do not like this.

Please agree or disagree about what i think to do - do noting, be positive?!

Thanks in advance

After about ten minutes of browsing; to me, red pill seems to be:

1. Somebody's way of making money off the vulnerable and confused.

2. Explaining failures with generalized, diversionary data.

3. Trying to fix something that was never broke in the first place. (How complicated was it for your dog to love you, and you, your dog?)

I'll spend some more time reading about it later, but right now, I think RP is a bunch of crap.

-----

If I understand you correctly...

If she tells you she's meeting him, just be quiet and nod. If she asks what you think, tell her, "I wish you weren't".

You've burned way to many bridges with her to ask for anything else.

-----

Smalley is not some band-aid to fix her or these situations. Instead, a guide to help you understand her/women.

Why understand? Because you may not save this union, but most likely, you will be married/LTR again.

At that time you won't view her with such unloving ways, as you did in the past.

Sorry, but there's no magic button for you, me, all of us.

-----

PS, Positive is always good, but pessimism spurs action.

Laster,

"If she tells you she's meeting him, just be quiet and nod. If she asks what you think, tell her, "I wish you weren't".

You've burned way to many bridges with her to ask for anything else."

This was very valuable for me, i needed exactly this right now.

Smalley - about this,

I have been doing this from years, but from wrong perspective (nice gay)

Now i am trying to do by unconditional love