Is it worth pursuing anything with this ex?

I'll try keep this brief, but we're talking about a breakup from June 2015 so a lot has happened since. Just skip the back story if you only want the present story. It's a gay story so keep that in mind...

The back story

The breakup was over things slowly deteriorating over time and us both making mistakes (mostly me), but nothing along the lines of unfaithfulness or abuse. Basically a two year relationship ended and after 3 weeks he'd found someone else on a dating site. Shortly after I gave up trying to resolve things and went no contact. This lasted until February 2016 when I gave in an replied to one of his messages, we started talking. I wasn't keen and it led to arguments because he was still with his new boyfriend. Well he ended that relationship a month later due to a lack of commitment on the other guy's part.

After his new relationship ended he didn't try to come back to me, he was seeking something completely new on dating websites. He realised there was nothing there so two months later in May 2016 he made an attempt to get back with the guy he left, which was rejected. I went no contact again at this point as I was clearly wasting my time. We ended up speaking again for a bit in August 2016, but again back to no contact as it wasn't going anywhere. In November 2016 I learned that he had made a second attempt to get back with the guy he left, which was successful. I proceeded to block all his known e-mail addresses and let it go.

From January 10th to February 14th I began receiving e-mails again but from an address I was unaware he used. There were 7 e-mails during that time. Mostly garbage about Pokemon but one about how he misses the days when we used to talk.

He has always tried to get in touch during my no contact periods. I think the longest I have gone without hearing from him is 6 weeks whereas my longest no contact period was 5 months back at the start.

On the evening of February 14th I lashed out and sent him a cease and desist e-mail, bluntly telling him that I do not like his constant stalkerish contact and to leave me alone and not contact me again. Somehow I caved in and replied to his response the following day and a conversation ensued.

The current

For me, I have been firm since we broke up that I would only have him back in my life again if he was open to reconciliation. I have also made clear that he should not contact me unless he is single and willing to mend things.

During our conversations last week he made clear that this is a failed strategy and cannot work. Maybe he is right. He has some psychological issue with being single. He is only going to leave his current boyfriend if something better comes along because of a fear of being single, and I suspect that is why he went back there. He feels that doing what I "demand" of him is too much of a gamble because if old feelings don't rekindle he would end up alone and potentially friendless if both of us decide they want nothing to do with him.

During our conversations he didn't waste time dropping lines like "If you had been a better boyfriend or indeed a better friend at certain intervals then things might be different.". The latter presumably referring to how I went about things during the time he was single. He also made another valid point:

"You won't let me into your life in any meaningful way to know if pursuing anything is worth it, much less a full rekindling. If you actually started engaging with me and understanding how I think and feel, and moving on from what happened, things might be different!"

As much as I hate to admit it, I am not going to get anywhere with this one by continuing to ignore him and telling him not to speak to me. He's not going to take that risk for someone he barely knows any more and his activity on dating sites suggests he is open to leaving his boyfriend if the right person came along. I can kinda see things his way and if the shoe was on the other foot I doubt I would give in to an ex acting like I am.

I just don't know what to do any more. He let slip on Saturday that his boyfriend was round his house and I had a go at him for talking to me while he was round. Ended up with me telling him yesterday once again to not contact me again because that kind of thing is no good. It was clearly jealousy showing and I had to put an end to it. There's been no contact today but I would bet all my money on the same thing happening again in a couple of months. Unless I try something different for once?

You need to be done with this already. He just wants someone in his life, anyone. Is this what you want for yourself? he is too much of a coward to end it with the current one. i can't believe you are entertaining another 'relationship' with this guy. He has a boyfriend!!!! Would you like this to be done to you? He's also on dating sites. What's attractive about this perspective.

You know that this has no future due to the drama, cheating etc.....

Block and stop replying to unknown email addresses. Make better choices in partners.

Hi Hollyj, thanks for taking the time to respond.

I wish it was as easy as you say. I have been single since that breakup and I only had a few dates in 2016 and none this year. It's really not that simple. And that's not because of him, we haven't spoke much in that time apart from the brief periods I mentioned.

You might be right but some men are genuinely terrified of being alone - especially those with no proper friends. It's not easy for gay people to find a good partner and that just exacerbates the feelings. He was never on dating sites while with me, it is only something he has done with his current boyfriend. Probably because he is with someone who isn't committed and he knows that won't last forever.

He said to me the other day that when he chose this path (the new guy over repairing things with me) that he did so without thinking of the long term consequences and that it caught up with him last year and it's still having an effect. I've no idea what he meant by that, he speaks in riddles sometimes. Whether he feels some regret that maybe he didn't make the right choice I don't know, he said he wouldn't like to say whether or not he made the right choice. Apparently he was close to getting back together before he met the new guy.

Gay is no different than straight. People are people.

A fear of being alone, is a problem that needs to addressed. You cannot seek happiness within others, that is on you. If you have no proper friends, then you need to make an effort to find better people. Have you looked into classes, hobbies, Meetups, volunteering etc..... I have made a lot of great friends through volunteering,

I'm confused, I thought he was with involved with the bf, when you met up last?

You know that this is toxic. Don't you think it is time to move on with your life? Block him, he is not emotionally stable, a cheater and full of drama.

You also need to stop stalking his dating site behavior.

It's the ex who has a problem with being alone, not me. I doubt he is doing anything about that and is probably quite happy going from relationship to relationship.

He wasn't involved with the BF when we last met up. He was still attached at that time but single as he'd dumped the guy in March last year. He got attached again after failing to find anyone new on the dating sites. He hasn't cheated as far as I know.

I do try to move on with my life but every time I do that he finds a way to contact me.

Sounds like you think this guy is a lost cause despite the things he was saying. Why is he coming out with those kind of words then? That's what is confusing me.

If he is on the sites while with this guy, he is cheating.

If he were serious about you, he would not be on dating sites and with another guy. He would be with you. Period. You need to only look at actions.

Find someone who knows what they want. if you get a call from unknown number or email address don't answer or open.

I missed the bit about cheating and abuse on your part. Have you gotten therapy for your problems? What did you do?

There was no cheating or abuse, you are misinterpreting my post. I said "nothing along the lines of unfaithfulness or abuse". That means the breakup was over other things. There was no single thing, it was a combination of little things that never got resolved that caused a slow rot.

Further, I don't considering being on a dating site while in a relationship cheating. Although I do think it is a horrid thing to do, especially when your profile says "single". I suspect his boyfriend knows about that but doesn't care because after all he is not committed.

Your other point is a fair one - looking at his actions. That is what I have been doing for the past year and a half. But realistically I can't see that scenario playing out. We have barely spoke in the past year and a half and I can probably count on one hand how many times I have seen him in that time - the most recent being August 2016. I can understand his point that not letting him back into my life isn't going to lead to reconciliation. Would you leave your boyfriend for a guy who has pretty much been ignoring you for a year and a half with no idea of whether it might work or whether old feelings might return? I doubt that I would and I am not someone who is afraid of being alone. The ex is afraid of being alone so why would he leave what he has on a gamble that things might happen between us?

You can say all you want about how someone who is afraid of being alone is a bad person to go after, but that doesn't change how I feel about things and that really needs to be taken into consideration. It's not so black and white as you put that "if he was serious about you then he'd be with you". Not speaking for months or seeing each other for half a year is no basis to form a new relationship, steps have to be taken somewhere.

I'm sorry, I totally misread!

Yes. Being on a dating site while in a relationship IS cheating. What do you think it means to be on a dating site? It is not to find platonic friends. If it is an open relationship, then that is another thing.

If I were in love with someone, I sure as hell would leave my partner. This guy bounces from relationship to relationship, because he can't be alone. Not healthy!!!!!

Then why don't you try to work things out? If he is relationship material. You're haven't really tried to move on in all this time. Don't waste another year and a half!

I would not doubt that he will ping pong you with this other guy.

.......................

That's alright, maybe I could have worded it better.

I thought cheating was just when you actually meet these people for dates not just chatting to them. Then again his intent (with single profile) is likely to be to eventually meet a suitable guy. I certainly wouldn't be happy if my partner was on them and I have told him that. For all I know it could be an open relationship but I doubt he would want that.

I don't think he loves me any more, a good 20 months has passed since we broke up and he has spent the majority of that time with someone else. He seems to care an awful lot otherwise he wouldn't try so hard to get back in my life but I doubt that is down to hidden feelings. So any new relationship would have to be via attracting him again and him realising that he made a mistake when he left me. Demanding he leave his BF for me or never speaking to me isn't the most attractive way to pull a guy is it...

I really have tried to move on and I had accepted we were never getting back together back in November when I learned he had gotten back with the guy he left. But while I am single I consider him a good option. He was the best guy I have dated and could have seen it lasting as we had a lot in common.

Please seek a counselor to resolve this stuff. Your life has been on hold, too long.

I don't need to see a counsellor and my life has not been on hold. Please stop making assumptions.