Is it me with the issue? Or him

Hi,

Long story that I need some advice on. Last year I changed jobs and become friendly with one of my colleagues. Both of us are gay and it was nice to have a gay friend as I never really had one before (non sexual).

Over the time we built a bond and would go to lunch/coffe together etc. We started chatting about his love troubles with his in the closet boyfriend and my issues. We would spend nights chatting, laughing, heck I'd even give him a foot massage on his injured ankle.

We got the point where he asked me to go out and socialise with his gay brother and other gay friends.

We went out and had a good time and had even talked about going on holiday then just me, him and one of the group of friends and I had a bit to much to drink as I had a rubbish day at work. I had a row with a stranger in the club about something trival and my friend said I had ruined the night and he thought I had better not go away with him and his friends in case I did it again. It was one of his friends, who had the issue with me. I was upset but accepted it as I wanted to remain friends with him. Then only he and I would go out but it would be shopping, meals, afternoon drinks, relaxing at his and he would go out to bars with his other group of gay friends.

Some time passed and we were seeing each other at work and were still the same but then he asked to borrow some money (£300). He needed it for a bill and could not ask his boyfriend to help him so I helped him. I then got offered a promotion to another branch and he said it would be better for friendship as we would be able to socialist me more as we were in different branches.

He the began to be bad at keeping in contact and if I said anything he called me an attention seeker. He then made plans with me to go see his family and have a night out. I got out train tickets and he was going to pay me on the day. He then cancelled the day before as he forgot he was doing something with his on/off boyfriend so I lost £100 on tickets.

He then become increasingly difficult to pin down and when I confronted him he said he had been really busy at work and we would go out. I said ok but he just wanted to go shopping with me alone. I said why don't we go out for drink and he said that we can't as he is going with the other group and they can't be bothered with me as he asked them about bringing me out again and they said no only him. One of his friends was the one who said no, he is like the main leader of the group. I said I don't want to be best friends with them but just to be normal do we could spend time as friends without making him choose.

When I asked him again he said he will sort it and we will all go out again. He then went to spend all the summer at various festivals, nights out and even his birthday with this group and not include me. I even got his birthday present and card send to him. When I said to him he said I needed to chill out and not get angry and that I'm overreacting.

I just feel heartbroken, not in a lover kind of way as I never thought of him as that but finally I had a gay friend and now, well I just want to know if it's all me as he says it is?

finally I had a gay friend

He is (was) your friend, not a platonic boyfriend. You and him grew apart. You eventually became a shopping buddy to him. That was something for you to either take or leave. If I had to guess, you were probably no less subtle about the fact he was a novelty than you are in this thread and he grew tired of it. But that's just a guess.

No, it's not cool he flaked and I do hope he paid you back for the 300 he borrowed. But at the end of the day, he never owed it to you to go out and have drinks with you.

So how old are you and your friend? To be honest, he sounds very immature and not very loyal to you. Can you give a bit more background about what exactly you said to the stranger in the bar when you were really drunk? Do you remember what you said? Like, maybe what you said was really bad and made you come across as really mean or something? It sucks but first impressions are very crucial and unfortunately they got a bad first impression of you.

However, your friend had known the real you and knew you're not normally like this (hopefully lol) so I think he should have stuck up for you. Also it kind of sounds like he's avoiding you because he owes you a lot of money and maybe doesn't want to pay it back. Plus what he did to you about those tickets was really wrong because you spent a lot of money. Did he at least apologise for that?

To be honest his friends sound catty and judgemental and your friend sounds like a bit of a sheep. Like, he just wants to fit in with them so bad that he's willing to reject you and let them judge you.

Just another perspective though is that some people actually like to have separate groups of friends (I do) and may prefer catching up only one-on-one with some people. Like, if I was having a party or something I would invite all my friends, but if I was just going for a day trip I may go just with one group and I wouldn't invite friends from other groups. Also unfortunately not all people get along and sounds like that one guy just seems to have something against you and that he's very dominant. It seems to me like you are really yearning to have gay friends and have a "group" of gay friends you belong to but the problem is that this friend is not obliged to include you in that group. Like, even if they had no problem with you, he may just want to have his own group of friends. It seems to me that you kinda "put your eggs in one basket" with him. Do you have other friends too? It's just that people generally don't like to be smothered. Like me, I have a lot of friends so I would probably feel a bit uncomfortable if one friend was relying on me too much.

To be honest though I wouldn't worry about your friend's friends but just focus on your actual friendship. If he was still being a good friend to you one-on-one, I guess it would be different, but sounds like he's kind of ditched you. Maybe he was more of a fair weather friend? Like, when you worked together and it was convenient, he was being really friendly, but now that you work in the other branch and his friend doesn't like you, he doesn't want to make much effort.

Hi, both replies have good points and what I came here for was honest opinion. I'm 27 he is 24. In the bar 2 guys were hitting me with a ballon making fun and when I was younger I had a bad experience similar to that in a bar but I don't want to drone on about that. I have other friends but they are straight and they would never go to gay bar/pride anything like that as they don't feel comfortable in that environment so maybe I could have been an bit enthusiastic but never saw or used him as trophy, more like the other way around tbh. I never wanted to be apart of that group he was the one who brought me to them. I just developed or thought I did a good friendship with him and wouldn't care less if he saw other friends but it's just that he is the one who has ditched me ( and no, he hadn't paid anything back). It's just the issue with the group seems to be causing the break in the friendship, I apologised to the guy from the group so if we out it would not be awkward. I think maybe he just choose the majority and an easy life and I need to accept that, and be out of pocket lesson learned.

Hi, both replies have good points and what I came here for was honest opinion. I'm 27 he is 24. In the bar 2 guys were hitting me with a ballon making fun and when I was younger I had a bad experience similar to that in a bar but I don't want to drone on about that. I have other friends but they are straight and they would never go to gay bar/pride anything like that as they don't feel comfortable in that environment so maybe I could have been an bit enthusiastic but never saw or used him as trophy, more like the other way around tbh. I never wanted to be apart of that group he was the one who brought me to them. I just developed or thought I did a good friendship with him and wouldn't care less if he saw other friends but it's just that he is the one who has ditched me ( and no, he hadn't paid anything back). It's just the issue with the group seems to be causing the break in the friendship, I apologised to the guy from the group so if we out it would not be awkward. I think maybe he just choose the majority and an easy life and I need to accept that, and be out of pocket lesson learned.

Well, to be honest, I don't think the issue is with that group. The issue is with HIM. If he was a truly loyal and good friend then whether those guys like you or not should not make a difference. Even if he never invites you out with them, he could still make more effort one-on-one, to catch up more often or at least call you or text you on a regular basis. A friendship shouldn't feel like you're having to chase and push your friend to be your friend. Some people are fair weather friends or care too much what other people think. My old housemate/friend is the same. I'm bi, she's lesbian, I've known her for 10 years. We lived together for 3.5 years and I thought she was a good friend. 2.5 years ago we stopped living together and she just totally ditched me. Made all these new friends and doesn't care about me at all. But I do have other friends who are still loyal even if they got married, had kids, moved away, they are still there for me and make the effort. You need to find real friends like that. Have you tried gay Meetup groups? It definitely hurts to find out your friend didn't care about the friendship as much as you, but better to know sooner than later I think. But he owes you four hundred pounds so I think push him to pay you back, and if he doesn't then just end the friendship I think.