Dilemma with co-worker

Hi guys. I am not sure if I am posting to the right forum but this is my first time here, apologies in advance if I am not doing the right thing.

I have been struggling with a dilemma for two years now and right now and right now, it has reached a point where I am ready to kill myself than to think of this problem. Before I move on with my story, let me give a short background on myself and the related parties.

This story revolves around three people, me (a bisexual girl), another girl (let's call her Sarah) and her boyfriend (let's call him Sam). Okay. Here goes the story and I am telling this in chronological order from the day I met her:

I started working in an organization roughly about 2 years ago and Sarah is my co-worker and have just started off a relationship with Sam. Within the first month of being in that office, I have developed a strong attraction to Sarah. At that moment, I thought nothing of it but admitted still steal a lot of glances her way. Sarah has caught me staring her a more than a couple of time. But the weird thing is, I have caught her staring at me as well when I am not looking at her. Since everyone in the office knows of her and Sam's newly budded relationship, I just shrugged off her odd behavior and put it down to just me overthinking. Shortly after that, I casually brought this up to another co-worker (let's call her Lana) who knew her since college days. Lana wasn't surprised at her attitude. Lana said that Sarah isn't "straight" and Sarah was actually pursuing a girl for a long time before getting together with Sam. When Lana found out that Sarah got together with Sam, she was surprised and questioned Sarah on this. Sarah's answer was summarized as this: "I have just given up on love".

However, we are co-workers holding the same roles in the company so it's inevitable that I was required to work very closely with her. And with time, I grew really close to her, not just in a terms of work but also in terms of friendship. All those times she dropped a lot of hints such as "Girl are so nice to look at" or "Do you need help ending your 'dry' spell (while holding up two fingers *ahem)?" or "OMG there is a gay street somewhere, I wanna go, I think I will enjoy it". I normally just keep mum about those and just laugh them away even though I would really much like to flirt back.

Around 8-months into the friendship, we were working late one night and ended up talking about my previous breakup (she doesn't know I am bi though) and she suddenly said: "If you do end up wanting a girlfriend, you can consider me. You know, if I was single I would pursue you". I replied with something diplomatic, something like "Aww I am so flattered" and then she retorted with "But maybe not. I don't want you hurting me, you know, in case we really do get into a relationship and you decided to be straight again. I would really hurt". I said nothing and we left it at that. I must admit that her words confused the hell out of me. I mean she has just passed the one-year mark with Sam. Why say something like that? After this incident, every time I brought up Sam (How's it going with him?, Oh, you're going to visit his parents. How nice"), it is very often met with "Ok I guess; Well, he asked me to go so I just agreed to tag along" or something along those line of ambiguities. Do bear in mind that she still drops flirts every now and then, some of them not so innocent.

Fast forward a few months and Sam got temporarily transferred to a new office (he still picks her up and send her to work though) and she has taken to having lunch with me, just both of us on a daily basis. This got us so much closer, emotionally and physically. We have developed a habit of hugging, putting our arms around each other and feeding each other food. When Sam got transferred back about 8 months later, I told her she could go back to having lunch with him, back to her usual routine. And she said no. At this point (1.5 years of friendship now), I started telling her that she should be more appreciative of her relationship and if she is really happy with him, she shouldn't be afraid to admit it. That was when the bomb dropped.

She outright told me she's so vague about same is because of her sexual preference. She confessed that she's not straight. That she's bi with a preference for girls. If her relationship was a fully-straight one, it might just last. But now it's not. So Sarah's unsure about it. Then I asked her why did she get together with him in the first place? Because he was just there and was pursuing you? Her answer was: Yeah. And we get along. Share some common interests. And he is nice to me. But yeah. He was just there.

This is when I decided to test the waters a little in regards to my feelings that are stronger than ever. I asked her if another girl pursued you now, would you have left Sam for her? She said "Of course not. I am already committed to him. I already bought a house together with him". And I have my answer to my dilemma. But she managed to get me to come out to her as well, so now we are both aware of our sexualities and I still dodge her flirts. And she started wearing his shirts to work. Sometimes I see new watches on her wrists and new pendants around her neck. Seeing these images only served to pain me but I had to pretend to not to be bothered anyway.

So things went on as usual for me and Sarah (lunches alone, now even dinners, flirts and sharing food still) until recently (close to 2 years of friendship), I found out that her house is finally ready and is planning on moving in with him. This took a toll on my emotionally as I am still very much in love with her and I tendered my resignation shortly after because it hurts so much. She started wanting to be around me more, claiming that she wants to accompany me while she still can and that she plans to keep seeing me even if we no longer work together. I just went along with it as I have been known to be very soft-hearted in that sense.

A week ago both Sarah and I had a minor misunderstanding which resulted in a cold war (more like me giving her the cold shoulder and she was trying her best to understand what went wrong). But when we had the chance to make up and talk about it, we both ended up tearful and a few minutes later she starting sobbing (on my shoulders with her arms around me OMG) and said that she never wanted to get into a relationship in the first place and now she has a partner and a mortgage and she doesn't know what to do. All I could do then was to console her and tell her that everything is alright and that feeling with come to pass. Maybe she is just stressed out about the move-in with him. My words were met with silence.

So that is the end of my story. I am so sorry for the super long essay but somehow I feel that it's the only way I can give proper context to it. Right now I am so confused with her behaviour. Her words. In front of the world, Sarah seems so happy with her relationship with Sam but when around me, all she is is lukewarm when it comes to her relationship. If she was truly unhappy, why commit to a house/mortgage with him? Am I overthinking that she has feelings for me? Am I in over my head? I have been battling this feeling for 2 years and honestly its wearing me out with all these mixed signals.

I can tell you right now she won't give up Sam or the house. No Way.

I don't know what to make of her, but she certainly knows which side of the bread is buttered. (Money-Wise).

A week ago both Sarah and I had a minor misunderstanding which resulted in a cold war (more like me giving her the cold shoulder and she was trying her best to understand what went wrong). But when we had the chance to make up and talk about it, we both ended up tearful and a few minutes later she starting sobbing (on my shoulders with her arms around me OMG) and said that she never wanted to get into a relationship in the first place and now she has a partner and a mortgage and she doesn't know what to do.

This woman is either incurably insensitive or she's a player. I mean good grief, she claims she's just with her BF 'because' and then flirts non stop with you. Lets put this into context. If Sarah were a guy we'd be saying it's emotional cheating. And it is. Put yourself in her BF's place - he obviously thinks it's areal relationhsip - imagine how he'd feel if he knew what was really going on!

Who knows what she wants with her BF? She certainly hasn't thought through it. maybe she wants financial security, and her 'girl on the side' ...

You need to get away from her - she's bad news and you'll end up being drawn further into her web. At least you don't work with her now, so slowly detach yourself. Nothing good is going to come of it for anyone in this triad.

I can tell you right now she won't give up Sam or the house. No Way.

 

I don't know what to make of her, but she certainly knows which side of the bread is buttered. (Money-Wise).

Yes somehow it seems to be she wont be giving up Sam or the house anytime soon. If anything I think she would end up marrying Sam in the future.

I don't know what to make of her too. I have been living in fog for the last nearly 2 years because I keep trying to pry myself away and yet she comes closer. Thank you for your rational words. =)

This woman is either incurably insensitive or she's a player. I mean good grief, she claims she's just with her BF 'because' and then flirts non stop with you. Lets put this into context. If Sarah were a guy we'd be saying it's emotional cheating. And it is. Put yourself in her BF's place - he obviously thinks it's areal relationhsip - imagine how he'd feel if he knew what was really going on!

 

Who knows what she wants with her BF? She certainly hasn't thought through it. maybe she wants financial security, and her 'girl on the side' ...

 

You need to get away from her - she's bad news and you'll end up being drawn further into her web. At least you don't work with her now, so slowly detach yourself. Nothing good is going to come of it for anyone in this triad.

At the moment I am not sure what she is really. And yes I have been on the other end of the scale, meaning I have been cheated on too, so I definitely wouldn't want to inflict that kind of pain on Sam. I don't know him personally but honestly I don't think anyone deserves that kind of hurt.

What she wants with her BF? God knows. I have asked myself a thousand times. Perhaps financial security. Perhaps the illusion of a straight/ normal relationship that she can show her family and friends?

Well, after 2 years of fighting this dilemma, I really did realize that I needed to get away from her. I had to give up a high-paying stable job to get away from her but I've gotta do what it takes. I feel myself going slightly insane trying to question her motives and genuine feelings for me. Thank you very much for the words and advice. =)