First Draft, continuation...

This is another installment in this story I posted last night. ( ) I may take it or leave it. Not sure yet.

I hope starting another thread for this won't be a problem. This is just a first draft, continued. Comments are welcome.

*****

"How many god damn times do I have to tell you Kimberly, brush your *beep*ing hair!" his voice was loud and biting. Why did he need to yell? She was standing right in front of him.

"I did!" she snapped back, hotly.

"Well you didn't brush it good enough. Brush it 150 strokes."

She lifted the brush slowly and started brushing her hair on the right side.

"Brush it all over, not just in one spot."

"Well you want me to brush it 150 strokes don't you!? I could do my whole head in 5!"

"Get up to your room and don't come down until your hair is brushed... now!"

She turned sharply and ran up the stairs into her room, slamming the door behind her.

Setting down on the bed she lifted the brush. 1...2...3...4

148...149...150.

She walked confidently down the stairs and entered the living room, where her father sat reading the paper.

"Let me see," he said standing up. A look of anger and frustration came onto his face. "You didn't even touch it! You went in your room and sat there for ten minutes! You brat! Why can't you do what you're told?"

"I did! I swear to God I did!"

"What's I tell you about swearing to God? We don't swear to God in this house."

He snatched the brush from her hand and grabbed her by the shoulder, forcing her to turn around. For a split second she was afraid he would hit her with it. But she felt the plastic bristles, rough on her scalp. He hair wasn't tangled, at least there was that mercy. He was finished in under a minute. "Now get your ass upstairs and stay there. You lied to me."

Once again in her room, she laid on her bed, crying softly. She rolled over and flipped on the radio. Loud rock music filled the room.

She thought again of the man she met at Dr. Shmidt's office. She wondered how long it took him to brush his hair.

This is just my personal taste, so take it with a grain of salt.

I'd like to see you develop what you started more and have more of a transition before going to the father conflict.

I'd recommend that you create kind of a map for yourself of who all the side characters will be and what their relationships are with others and when and how they will enter the story. The main characters need to be developed, which you already have worked out, but their relationships with others need to be developed as well. Remember that the reader doesn't know where you are going. You have to make sure they follow you from A to B. So you had created the interesting tension with the mother - I wouldn't just drop that cold, but work with that more and take the reader further. Also keep in mind a timeline. Between the car and now, is it still the same day? Next week/month? What time has passed and what has happened in between?

Either way, you've got something important going on - you are capturing attention and interest in the first page. Awesome!