(To My Future Self) Healing Journal

(Repost from my original thread) 2/1/2014 8:07 pm

Hello. It's been 22 days since I moved out. 9 month relationship, living together, became pregnant. After new years, she changed her mind, aborts baby, kicks me out. Starting over in friends house. New life.

I have been through all the emotions. Relief, anxiety, guilt, fear, panic, abandonment, loneliness, anger, sadness, bitterness, clarity, confusion, shame, acceptance, denial and consistently spinning through each one.

I thought I had the worst days behind me and then today it was even worse. I don't think I can make it through this one. I've been doing everything. Walking five miles each day, counseling, church, no drugs or alcohol, studying, talking with friends, family, online, self improvement, reading, watching, joined my old band, went on a new date. Positive affirmations. Literally everything that can be recommended.

But the pain creeps in. What do I really have now? Why god, did you take my baby and my woman. I worked my fingers to the bone to start this family and take care of us. All I ever wanted is now gone. I don't see the point anymore. Living just to be on a diet and go to the gym. I don't want to feel this overbearing grief any longer. I hope someday my future self will look upon these words of pain from a place of strength and peace and happiness. Though it seems hopeless at this moment.

Today is not such a great day. The last in the flesh contact was January 17th. so 18 days NC. My NC is extreme, i'm in a new house with a friend so there are no triggers. I do not look at her social media and I won't even look at a picture for a long time. I am doing everything in the book to move on and make the pain go away but it's still lingers. My hands shake at times, I go into a panic of sorts. It's so weird. This is my third major break up in my life and thankfully I have learned from the past on how to deal with these things. This is certainly the best I've ever been. I mean, the gym is my second home now, I'm tan, getting in better shape everyday, not a drop of alcohol, doing positive things etc. I just wish I could fast forward 6 months and rid myself of this crazy pain that I feel. It's not even so much missing her at this point, she's only a memory in the most literal sense. I guess it's this huge hole in me that is just so overwhelming. I'm trying to fill it in but it will just take time.

I read, read, read some more. The internet has so much information on break-ups and like most I scour to find what will make me feel a little better. In the end though, nothing really works. The beautiful home we shared and took care, cuddling and watching t.v in bed everynight. Making breakfast together, it's all gone. I'm on an air mattress in a house with no furniture literally starting a whole new life. I want to get a new car and eventually rent a luxury apartment for myself (hopefully within the next 6 months) See, as like most when the relationship ended I had exhausted most of my funds for things for the house and Christmas and what not. Anyway it doesn't help that the weather is awful. It's so grey out, and so lonely here.

I can't wait to be the guy looking back on this journal 6 months from now and laughing. (haha, that was me, look at me now with my gorgeous new gf, new Cadillac, Apartment and so much happiness. And oh yeah, the ex who broke my heart has a miserable life now, her rebound didn't work out and I turned down her request to see me haha) But, until then, here I am, and here i'll be for a while.

Incidentally, I posted here four years ago when I had a huge heartbreak under a different name. It really helped a lot, back then I really didn't know about NC or any of that. When I look to that pain I just laugh. It means nothing to me, even though that one took me the better part of a year to get over. It was a much longer relationship mind you, this one is under a year and i'm shooting for a very quick recovery. I have an exam next week and once I pass I will be pursuing a career change in that direction. I know that will bring change to my life. I just can't wait to get out of here ( my friends house) because this would ultimately be the place I came to grieve out all this anguish. I will always remember this place for the pain I experienced here.

I know this journal is probably just for you to get some stuff out, but could I offer an observation? All the stuff you list here...the changes...the steps...they're all about forgetting HER. Don't pick up a book thinking I better read, because THAT'S what I'm supposed to do after a break up. Just read because you've found something that's interesting to you. And read distracting subject matter, not break up stuff. And instead of focusing on your friend's house as a place relevant to your ex... Look at it as your wonderful, supportive FRIEND'S house.

It's a stage for sure. A really tough stage. The progress is there yet ever so slow.

OP: Did you intend for this to be a journal? If so, please let me know and we can move it to the Journals forum. Thanks.

I think its awesome!!

@Capricorn3 I didn't know there was a journal section. I was browsing through the healing after break up section and found a few so I though I would start my own. This is really my subject matter at the moment. If you want to move it that's fine, or edit out the word journal and leave it in this section as to help others going through the same thing.

Yesterday was a bad day to say the least. I am heading to the gym in a few minutes and then therapy later. I was thinking about what to talk about since the last therapy session and then I realized nothing has changed. Basically yeah, one whole week of pain 24/7. I am making improvements though, spending more time talking on my dating site to new girls as opposed to break up sites. Also spending much more time at the gym. I still have sleepless nights (like last night) tossing and turning. Tomorrow (Friday) makes four weeks since I moved out. It's definitely better than it was but only slightly. I have taken so much forward action for change and i'm seeing the results. Really looking forward to that two to three month point, as I read so many people reach a turning point around that time.

This is really my subject matter at the moment.

In that case I'll move it to the Journals forum. People can still respond there.

I seem to be fighting off a panic attack at the moment. It seems though I have made some great progress, I still have so far to go. I feel trapped in this house. I can't go for my normal walk because there is so much snow outside and it's all frozen. I've noticed these panic attacks come on from time to time, that is why I spend at least an hour on the treadmill. My hands start shaking and then it spreads to my feet and the rest of my body. I will get through this. To be dealt this blow at this point in my life I guess is just all to consuming. I know I used to be normal at one time, and just feel find and go to bed. I really hope this hell ends soon. I want to feel normal again. I really can't sleep. I can't stay up either.

Another sleepless night of panic attacks. I'm getting ready to go to the gym then i'll study later. Tonight i'm seeing an old friend (a girl I dated briefly but there's nothing there romantically). That should keep me busy. My work season doesn't start until march so I have a lot of time on my hands right now. uggh

I moved out about a month ago (tomorrow actually) and the last time I saw her was three weeks ago. I've burned out alot of the initial horrible feelings. Detoxified as it were. I am still left with the residual feeling of loneliness, anxiety, restlessness, insomnia and heavy breathing/panic attacks at times throughout the day. Otherwise the other feelings seem to have dissipated to some degree. So it seems I am making progress. I went on my second date last night and it was horrible. No connection at all. I am on my way to the gym and also just thinking about my new plan in life for happiness and success, hoping the winter will go fast and all of this ice will melt.

Came back from the gym. I am really tired because I just haven't been sleeping much lately. I decided to lay down for a bit. I must have drifted off, suddenly I awoke abruptly screaming and breathing very quickly. I am experiencing more panic attacks now for some reason. Most of my other emotions have come and gone. Though the anxiety, insomnia and loneliness are deeply embedded. I was breathing very quickly and this attack last quite a bit, maybe an hour or so. I am calming down now. I realize I am irritable and can't really do or focus on much. I have a bit of anger it seems, just slightly. I think I have PTSD or something. I've been reading up on it. I may have to go see a doctor and get some xanax or something to get me through the next few months. I can't live like this anymore.

Okay so today is day 33 that I moved out. Today is also the very first day that I have made it through without any emotional response. I.e Panic attacks, crying, screaming, body twitches, or any other type of overwhelming or roller coaster type of emotions. I think that it is truly amazing. I guess what I mean is I feel like a normal person again. The last 33 days, wow, I don't know how I survived. It was all pain all the time. What a difference. I should note that I had a really bad panic attack yesterday as I passed the place we had first met in the mall. (Had to get my phone fixed) Anyway that one was pretty severe. But today, I feel like it is the first day of real progress. The first day without debilitating pain. To me it signifies so much. How far I've come, what i've been through to get here and also my strength and resilience with keeping to no contact. (no looking at pics, drive by's, social media etc.) My facebook has been taken down for this reason, I will put it back up in a few months) I have a phone date tonight with a very pretty girl. I really can't wait to start dating steady again. I love having a woman who I love in my arms and in my life. I am so proud of myself for getting this far and so fast.

Okay well it turns out that was a fluke, I ended up having a really bad day yesterday. Had major panic attack during day, crying spell and could not get a minute of sleep all night. I am preparing to take the pharmacy exam today so I wish I could have slept. The good news is I have a new date tonight, so we'll see how that goes. Still very heartbroken. This is definitely the most difficult breakup I have ever experienced pain wise. Day by day here, hoping to be fully healed and have a happy life.

Great news! I passed the Pharmacy exam that I've been studying for. I came to this house well let's see, 33 or 34 days ago now. I immersed myself in things I needed to get done including studying like a mad man. I can't believe I did it. In my current state, looking back wow. I really need to take my mind off of things and this is how I did it. I cried coming out of the testing center with my (pass) form in hand. I wish I could have told her : ( In another life, time or place, she would have been proud of me. Well in other news I have a new date tonight. She is pretty and we spoke on the phone the other night. She just confirmed with me so i'm looking forward to it. It's a good day overall i'd say. Passing the exam, maybe a new female friend. This will be the third date i'vve been on since I moved out and hopefully it will turn into something. IF not I'll just keep on keepin on.

Went on a date last night, no spark but she was an okay person to talk to. I'm def still not entirely ready for a new gf but it is nice to know that I can still attract them. My early symptoms of a cold have turned into me being sick today ugh. Well we're having like the 5th biggest snow storm today. I knew i'd be somewhat trapped here so I got out to the gym even with all that snow to sweat out the cold and burn of some anxiety. Probably three other people there lol. Back now and just relaxing today. Not a day or even an hour goes by that I don't think on my ex. The pain is still very much on the forefront and very real. Though, there has been progress and things have changed somewhat. All the memories have now started to seep in but with a different feeling. I am starting to look upon the event with more of a hardened heart. A colder tone. I'm am changing very slowly. My recent bout with panic attacks has started to decrease somewhat. Overall, things are a little bit more steady and manageable than they were in recent weeks. I have 30 days before going back to work so I will take this time and pursue a Pharmacy Job now. I'm looking forward to big change in my life and leaving what was is in the past, far, far behind me.

I hate living. I really want to be dead. Every part of my existence is a pain that is just to severe. The other day I wrapped up my belt on the closet rod and put it around my neck. I just really wanted to be done with this life. For some stupid reason I backed out. I really need to do this though. this .

30 DAYS NC! Wow. 30 day since I last saw her face or exchanged words. I do feel like I have my emotions under control now. I'm not healed but I have come along way in this time. I still have regrets about the situation and wish it went differently. I've learned a lot. I still think about her almost every minute of the day. Losing her is and was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I miss her all the time, and I always wonder if she misses me.

In these 30 days I have done so much, studied for and passed my pharmacy exam, joined the gym, gone to church, counseling, joined my old band, reconnected with friends, read tons of self help material.

I'm sick today which sucks, i'm off to the gym in a little while and then will start to put my resume together. I will commence my job search on Monday.

I did awake to a nightmare this morning, of her. Just waking up with a feeling. It's a little scary. Otherwise my panic attacks pretty much have subsided for the most part. Things are getting on and I have improved a lot emotionally. I know i'm not totally over her because I will still bust out crying for a few moments in each day here or there if I here a certain song or read something that hits home or pertains to my situation.

Either way reaching a point of indifference is the goal and slowly but surly I am reaching it. Again, I can only wonder on how my life will be 6 or 8 months from now. Or even a year. Life changes so much and so quickly. I hope to be stable and happy again someday and completely fulfilled in my life with a partner and family. If it is to be another lady then surely she is out there somewhere right now, waiting for me.

quick check in. Killed it at the gym today, I had some nightmares last night and had to get out some energy. When I got back I had the most sever panic attack. I think because I have reached the 30 days nc and am starting to accept that she is dead to me. Thought at one time so very close. Also, last night for the first time I began to replay the relationship in my head from the beginning. I don't know why, but I haven't thought of those days in a long time, or ever really. I started to see exactly when and where the issues began. Oh well, doesn't matter now. Anyway, have to print out my resume and start looking for jobs.

Please god help me. I cannot feel this way any more. This is killing me. I cannot concentrate on my life. We broke up nearly 6 weeks ago. We have had no contact. I feel that I have been holding on to hope. I have. I have also for the first time started to experience anger. I just had a bout of anger. It felt like such a good release. I need to let go. I need to move on. I need to get this out of my body and soul. I need to be healed. Move On! Let It Go! Do no hold onto hope! She and that life is gone! LET IT GO.

hey, you will be fine. Just let this wave pass. It took me about 3 months to get better

Thank you Silversoul. A rock bottom day today for sure. Hoping for better.

31 days NC. Well I had another realization today. I have been holding out hope for reconciliation. (like most do in the early stages) And I think I was in denial about that. Anyway, I came to several conclusions today. First, letting go of hope is a necessary step to becoming healed and in getting through the process. There must be a reason the hope is there, I guess as a defense mechanism sort of like denial. Until you're ready enough to shrug it off, it stays with you. Well like the rest of this journey each step forward comes with it's own new wave of extreme pain. Which is what I experienced when I actually realized there is truly no hope and it was time to let it go. That being said, another really down day. Maybe one of the worst in the 38 day ordeal. There is a reality to it, a finality.

I have well documented all the stages and days of this process in my journal if you want to check that out. What I have realized is that I must be very close now. The distance from letting go of the hope to Acceptance/indifference must not be to far. I am really looking forward to being healed. I have grown so tired of being in the pain life. I know it can't be long now.

Also, in recent times I have really pined for my ex more than ever. The more she drifts into the past the more surreal it seams. Just glimpses in my memory banks which are becoming blurred. That and coming to terms with the fact that she is dead and gone and I will never see nor hear from her ever again. It's starting to be my accepted reality. One day at a time. Hoping to sleep tonight. Take care.

Okay well I've been doing much better lately however I wanted to 'test' myself. So what did I do? I looked at pictures of her and I, also I did a driveby to see if there is another man living there and taking my place. I full well expected to see a car there and actually there was not. I wish I could have gone in and cuddled with her. Well that can't happen. Anyway, I was feeling like well I can take it, I must be healed. But then I realized I wanted to take it further, I had gotten a small 'dose' if you will. I ended up very frustrated today concocting ways in which I would really break no contact and communicate with her. Well I could not do that because I was so worked up. So I realized I am no where near ready to actually communicate with her. It in fact is going to take months probably. I am glad I did this test though, because it has actually given me the resolve to just move the f*** forward at lightning speed. I do not have hope and I Don't need to go back to that source of pain. I am moving forward. Also, I realized after talking to a friend last night that she was a really bad person to me. Used me and abused me and for some reason I took it. There is something that I will have to figure out about myself. In any event I did decide that she is most certainly not worth my tears or anguish any longer. My panic attacks have also stopped. I believe I am about 96% over her at this point. The end progress is exponential. A minor set back today but it made me realize just how far I have come.