(To My Future Self) Healing Journal

[silversoul]

Hey, this is not a race. Why do you set yourself deadlines? I'm afraid it may backfire.

[Createmyfuture]

Hey, this is not a race. Why do you set yourself deadlines? I'm afraid it may backfire.

 

You're right about that. It's all BS anyway. The truth is I am not happy with my current life condition and I am still very much in pain. Today is six weeks to the day. Six weeks since I moved out in a fury. We have had no contact and what little we did have at the end was volatile and not inviting of any future words. I can't believe it has come to this. I am dealing with this horrific pain. It is severe, it will take time, it will make me stronger.

 

I feel now at 33 (birthday yesterday) that I am officially getting old. Yet I have no family and my life is a mess, furthermore I am dealing with grief. Suicide is certainly the easy way out, though when I begin to think that the pain is too much to take I aim my thoughts towards positive strong thoughts and that usually helps me out of it.

 

At this point I experience about 1 to 3 'episodes' per day which can last anywhere from 5-15 minutes. These episodes are a release of energy that is manifested in my thoughts and/or subconscious. I can pretty much count on in occurring. Today I woke up fine. Perfectly fine, as if it's just a normal life and go about my routine. When it comes on, it will usually start with a memory or thought. That memory or thought translates into a shaky hand, ill stomach, and overall irritability. It is slight at this point. But that is when I'll know I have to get in my car or home to release this energy which I do in different ways.

 

There seems to be so much that needs to come out. Sometimes it feels like the painful event just happened and I'm reliving it all over. I cannot take naps during the day anymore because if I fall asleep during those times it will result in a flashback/nightmare and I will jump up startled with a surge of anxiety. I think I may have ptsd.

 

When they say you'll have good days and bad days they are right. The last few days have been bad unfortunately. It really sucks. Why can't I just be over this already.

[Createmyfuture]

I am feeling absolutely gutted. Last night and today. I'm not sure why. It has been six weeks. For some reason I feel pulled back into all that pain. If I recall other breakups in my life I know that there is always this period of recycled feelings. It is really hard but I am just trying to stay strong right now. I know that this can't last forever. Going to the gym soon. Really need to work out this pain. I know by 12 weeks I should be completely and totally over this whole ordeal. I hope so anyway, because right now, event though it's been a good amount of time, it still hurts like it's the first day.

[Createmyfuture]

Doing a little better today. It's been 7 weeks this Friday. Well I came here at my friends house, to feel the hurt, to heal, to move on, to grow, to change, to learn, to reflect. I've done so. I'm ready. Ready for the next chapter in my life. I really don't like to read to much here anymore because it is just to damn depressing. My focus has been on other things. I'd like to get out of my friends house. I've been spending more time with an old friend/ ex gf of mine from 4 years ago.

 

She just purchased a new condo and I'm going to be spending some nights over there. I'm not sure if it will become a full live in situation, however that would be kind of ideal at this point in my life. She is a good friend and companion. It would get me the hell out of this house. Also it's the start of my work season so I expect to be very busy over the next few months. With a new healthier and stable living arrangement, and being busy with work, it will be in effect moving me on to the next phase of my life. This phase of landing at my friends house and being in pain and having no future living arrangement here, is just done. I'm done with it, it's time to move on from here.

[Createmyfuture]

The last few days have been pretty rough. The would still feels kind of fresh. I stings when I have a thought or memory. I am starting back at work from my winter hiatus on Monday which is great. It will keep me busy and move me forward i'm sure. The last two months of my life, have just been unbelievable. The pain has been indescribable at times. 7 weeks this Friday. Nearly two months here at this house on an air Mattress grinding out this pain. Now it is time to move on. Move on from the pain. Return to the world. Be busy, and hopeful of my new future.

 

I have formulated new goals to pursue that do no rely on others adhering to those goals and I should see myself accomplishing them this year. I hope to be here less and less. I hope to have an entry that states my happiness and possibly new love. Who knows what the future has in store. I know that these last nearly two months, I am ready to leave in the past.

[Createmyfuture]

I was looking into some new car ideas and new apartments. I start work again on Monday so that will keep me very busy for a while. I am now actually starting to appreciate the fact that I was able to come here to my friends house for nearly two months now and tie up a lot of loose ends in life. In addition to getting passed the worst phases of my pain. This has been a place and time where little has been expected of me so I've really had time to rest, think things through and grow. I've changed.

 

I'm starting to look forward to 'getting back up and out there'. Starting this new chapter of my life and never looking back. Accepting the past for what it is but not letting it hurt me or interfere with my new goals. I am in more control.

 

At first when I landed here 7 weeks ago, I hated it. I hated that I had to be in this situation. I hated everything. I was very unhappy. I knew I should be grateful though I could not really believe it at that time.

 

Now I see it was a blessing in disguise. Thank god I had this opportunity. I am really feeling stronger lately. Feeling like I am happy to stand on my own and create a great future for myself and ultimately attract all the things I want in life. That includes raising a family some day.

 

I am going to work the whole season which starts this March 3rd, it will end around late September. I think that there will be enormous change in this time.

[Createmyfuture]

And again, looking forward to re-reading this through to see just how far I've come. If there is one thing that is certain, a lot can change in 6 months or a year. At this point, who knows what the future will bring.

[Createmyfuture]

Running a lot of errands, tying up loose ends and getting ready for a new work season this Monday. I get zingers here and there but for the most part I think i've moved past this whole thing. I don't really spend much time reading these boards anymore because it's very sad and depressing. I'm really looking forward to reaching my future goals. I must say the last few days have not been that bad. Definitely no where near how bad it was a few weeks ago. I can't believe I actually got this far.

 

It's amazing actually. I feel great for the most part. I still have a memory or two that hits me during the day or whatnot and may cause me to start breathing heavily for a few moments. But I think I am almost fully healed and I'm not even being delusional at this point.

 

Tonight makes 7 weeks to the day that I came to this house. I am ready for the next chapter. I want to really get my life together and in a different place. I've decided that I am going to remain single for a time and focus on myself for a while.

 

After 7 years in and out of failed relationships I really need this now. Time to be me and to make some important changes.

[Createmyfuture]

7 weeks out. The pain is not as bad these days. As a matter of fact I thought I might be over it. It used to be 24/7 mind numbing pain which lessened over time. The last few days have been pretty good, It hasn't been on my mind. I've been able to focus recently and have been spending less time here.

 

Then out of nowhere, a thought or memory and bam. A whole rush of emotion just like it was weeks and weeks ago. The pain of this particular loss is unique but not new anymore. It's familiar when it comes on, yet still painful. I guess i'm not over it. It doesn't last long, just a quick break down.

 

I've heard of it before, recycled feeling etc. Maybe that's it. Sucks though.

[Createmyfuture]

Just had a recent bout with my mind. Thought of things again, thought I was over it.

[Createmyfuture]

Not a great day today. It's like some days I go right back to the beginning of my journey. Well today makes 7 weeks exactly. I think for some reason it hits me worse on Fridays, as was the first day I left. I am feeling hopeless and very alone. I definitely don't like being alone. I mean, I like my alone time, but not isolation. I do know that I need this time though. I have been in a repeating cycle of challenging, painful and failed relationships now for about 7 years. I don't even know how that happened. But I've never really taken the time to heal myself fully and make some positive changes rather than spend all my money taking girls on dates.

 

I could swear I was dong good all week. Today though damn. Feel bad again. All those negative emotions come rushing right back.

 

I talked to my lawyer today, we have the eviction hearing on March 20th. To remove the bad tenants from my house. That will be a big step forward. Then I can re-rent it to some normal people and make some money.

[Createmyfuture]

My bad day turned into a horrible night. Tossing and turning. I don't know what I was thinking. One minute I think i'm over it and then I am very much where I was in the same pain. All I can think about is ending this life to escape it. I know that's crazy but that's how bad it is. It feels like my skin in being torn off. Or like there is a hot iron on my chest. It feels like I am on fire. This is truly an unbelievable state that I have found my life to be in.

[Createmyfuture]

I don't think I've experienced anything this bad before. I'm going on two months and though I've come so far in the way of doing many things for myself to move on I feel like i'm in the same spot. It's been nearly two months. How long will it take me to heal from this? Many more months? That seems crazy for a relationship that didn't even last a year. I guess it's just the nature of the betrayal.

[Createmyfuture]

Well, been doing a little better again. Getting on to the two month mark. I should point out that though I am not completely healed, I have come a very long way. After the breakup I really didn't have a life established. We had lived together so my life was her life. I had to literally start all over. It was the most horrifically turbulent experience of my entire life.

 

I have to say, things have calmed. I have a routine that I follow with going to the gym. I've had enough time to establish a small existence. I have made many plans for the future. I am starting my work season again this Tuesday which will keep me very busy. It has been a long hard road for sure. Somehow I have survived and i'm starting to show signs of renewal.

 

Getting up and coming back even stronger. Re-acquiring all that I want and all that is good in life. It's been a lonely road, a dark road, a cold road. But I have nearly seen it through.

 

The past year of 2013 I was utterly screwed over by the ones I though were closest to me. My girl, a friend, and my tenant whom I've done so much to help. I was taken advantage of and I lost a lot. It has made this journey all the more difficult. I have felt all the feelings of hopelessness and despair. I have wanted to give up many times. End it all.

 

Yet here I am, somehow finding what little strength I had in me to make it through. That strength has multiplied. I have grown stronger. I feel myself closer to reaching my goals and getting myself out of this situation.

[Createmyfuture]

I started this thread to document the different emotions that I was experiencing. It seems that I have worked through most of the pain and my outlook is mostly positive. What I did not expect was that as the overwhelming pain wore off it has left me feeling very alone and bored. So this is now what I have to deal with. Just being alone. I think it's another slap in the face. I guess the next step is to get involved socially. With friends, and I guess throw myself into dating again. Give it yet another shot.

[Createmyfuture]

So all the crazy emotions ended in anxiety and insomnia, that was a few weeks ago. Now, the anxiety and insomnia have faded for the most part and left only loneliness and boredom. I have discovered though that this is easy to overcome, just call up a friend or go out and do something.

 

In addition to this, this amount of time has turned my emotional thinking into subjective thinking. I am now able to view the relationship from a more logical perspective. When I do though, that is where I will get angry, mostly at myself for letting myself be treated that way. When I look at the picture I can see clearly that this person that I was with was very abusive, Manipulative, and controlling. She also really wasn't that invested in the relationship, at least not as much as I was. She was using and stringing me along until she was ready to cut me loose.

 

Even though there were clear red flags and signals and I saw what was going on, I completely denied this. I wanted to see what I wanted to see and believe what I wanted to believe. It was a total fabrication of my mind. A fantasy.

[Createmyfuture]

It is survival now. Just living. Though, I really don't have anything to live for. Not these days. I mean, saving up to but a new car, that's a good goal. It won't bring me happiness or take away my pain. Life has become meaningless. There is no meaning or purpose. Just make money to give away to everybody and everything. I really am considering ending things once again. I'm between survival and suicide. That is where my thoughts are hovering.

[Createmyfuture]

There is so much pain in me right now. That is all that is there. I live pain, I breath pain, I am pain. I am my pain. I am in survival. Sometimes not sure if I want to. I want to or am becoming numb. I need to become numb. Life is pain. I am not happy.

 

I am dealing with, more than ever before. This is the hardest time in my life. I am still alive.

[Createmyfuture]

I wonder where I will be one year from now. I have a lot of challenges to face at this moment. I have to go to trial in court to battle a psychopath tenant of mine who can't let go and move out and move on. Instead she has dedicated her life to ruining mine. She showed up at a court hearing yesterday and made a scene. It's a horrible thing to deal with, I hope that in some time to rid her from my life. Non the less the trial will cost me.

 

I am still trying to get over my ex. I have come a long way though I still think about her all the time and how much pain I am in regarding the situation. I never though I could feel so much pain. I wonder, will I have a new girlfriend in a year, will I have accomplished all my goals or will my goals have proved to be to ambitious? If the past is an indicator than it shows that I have done everything I set out to do. I expect the same now.

[Createmyfuture]

Hmm where am I at. Okay well I'm back at work and rebuilding my life. I am definitely getting stronger everyday. I started this journal to document my journey through a painful experience and record the process of emotions. After some weeks of debilitating panic attacks i'm glad to say that i'm feeling much better. The new phase seems to be some sadness, which is a first. Also, with the sadness comes anger and determination.

 

I command myself not to feel this way anymore. I command myself to be over her. I command myself to not let her have this control over my life and my mind and my emotions. She did not deserve all that I did for her. F*** her. I will attract to myself all that it is I want including a new girlfriend and that is when I am ready. 6 years of this life has come to an end. Six years living as a bachelor and playing around with these dangerous woman. Well I am working on my self and I am doing great. I know now that I am not just grieving my ex but I am experiencing all the pain that I put off for years. I am getting though it and I am going to be ten times the man I was.

 

I wasted so much money and time on girls. In this next year, I will focus all my attention on me and I will come so far in my personal development. Good day.

[Createmyfuture]

Oh man bad day. Was working and just didn't feel too good. Towards the end of the day I had a debilitating panic attack. Really bad, then got home and tried to calm down. Couldn't stop my hands and feet from convulsing. For some reason I scream a lot, I guess it's a release of energy. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but i was considering ending it again today. I can't see going on this way. I went to the gym and did an hour on treadmill and elliptical which helped.

 

I know this is a battle. I know it's not over. I have to be a soldier. I have to continue to fight this and see it though. I have so many doubts about the future. I am so up and down. I am not happy with my life right now. I am severely unhappy. I want to be happy again. I know I can and will. Am I going though this? Or is this a permanent state for me. I don't even know anymore. I was so happy once. So carefree in my mind. I think I have ptsd or severe anxiety disorder. God help me. Please help me.

[Createmyfuture]

I'm having a hard time thinking or talking about the relationship even though that was the point of this journal. It has become far to painful of a thought.

[Createmyfuture]

Part of me doing this is so I never forget the horror that comes after a breakup. To say that there are extreme ups and downs is an understatement. lol I am doing better on the whole. I am two different beings in one. A stronger, more confident wiser attractive guy in much better shape. And also, a weak crying mess, though that part is slowly fading, though still present on a daily basis. I was at a standstill in life though now I am going through tremendous change. It is all my little goals that have set me up to accomplish my bigger goals. My roommate is trying to talk to me and y car is running, gotta head out to work.

[Createmyfuture]

hmm. I don't know. I have started to realize that I don't have anybody. No support or family. I am all alone to start from scratch and battle it out. Everybody wants to fight me. I have a eviction case i'm working on with my house. These lunatics would rather fight me to the death then just move on and find another apartment. I also have to go to trial with the female tenant because she has made some crazy accusations about me. I have mounting debt to catch up with before I can really do anything. This is still transitional time, very difficult.

 

I am glad that six or seven years of dating is finally over. For once I don't care. I have no interest in having that kind of relationship now or maybe even ever. It is not worth it. I do think about suicide often. Very often. If not i'm just trying to become a machine with no emotions. I'm numb as it is.

 

For all of the low points in my life, I am now at the lowest. This is unfathomable. I should be successful now and taking care of a family and not being lonely. To be struggling now is just crazy. I am losing my ambition. I feel i've worked so hard and yet i'm still nowhere.

[Createmyfuture]

I seem to have fallen into a depression. I feel empty, inadequate, unhappy and thoughts of suicide fill my head all day. I have been really considering it more than ever before. It seems like the only way out. The only thing that would release me from my unhappy state. Something needs to come through for me. I hate my life. I hate everything. I hate my job and where my life is at.