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Thread: Why do Indian men date white women and dump them...

  1. #1
    SaraNala
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    Unhappy Why do Indian men date white women and dump them...

    ...when the fear of family discovering the relationship sets in? OR when they (the Indian) are about to marry/ talking about marriage with family, I guess? I'm just trying to gain perspective since I've gone through this as of a couple days ago. No, I'm not contacting him- haven't spoke to him in days because he needs the space evidently. Apparently he's going through a "personal crisis" and needs "mental and personal rebuilding" Of course, when he's in the same city he'll talk to me, but when he's with family- I'm forgotten completely with no explanation.

    I won't post my situation in here, go read the thread if you'd like. But, I'm just wondering. Is it REALLY that "Holiday in Goa" type thing? Or do real feelings ever change their minds?

    Any input is greatly appreciated!

  2. #2
    pl3asehelp

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    Those aren't men - they're children. A man doesn't let his family decide who he's in a relationship with.

  3. #3
    avman
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    I don't think this is a phenomenon unique to any particular race or culture.

  4. #4
    Victoria66
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    In some cultures your family plays a VERY big part in who you marry. A gf I had in high school who had been raised in the UK and Canada was sent home to India to be married off when she was 16.

  5. #5
    lavenderdove
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    I have worked with many many Indian men during my career (on the order of probably a few hundred) and know of only one man who actually married a white woman.

    The pull of culture and upbringing is very very strong, and arranged marriage and marrying within ones caste and to people chosen by a parent is deeply inculcated into most of them. And it gets even more complicated than that for many, with their horoscopes having to line up etc. And they frequently live in family groups where parents and children stay together throughout life, so going against what their family wants for them and the bride that is chosen for them means they would have to give up their families because the social pressure is so strong to marry according to certain rules.

    I have known many who date white women and other women outside their culture, but when family duty calls, they marry who their parents choose for them and in their own culture. And the women they were dating sometimes for years are totally surprised one day to hear their BF went home for a month to visit his family and he came back married to a woman he'd never met before that had been chosen for them by their families!

    So it is a big risk dating an Indian man he is living in the U.S. because most I have known in the end will not go against parental wishes. There is a small chance that one might have parents who would be OK with their son marrying someone outside their culture and race, but i've only known one to do so out of hundreds, and all but the one eventually married women they may have only met for a few days in marriages arranged by their parents.

    So i think it harsh to say these men are 'children' when it is really a large cultural difference in how marriages are thought of in different cultures. India is a culture of mostly arranged marriages and some 'love' matches, but even thoe can really be taboo in some families who would never accept anything but an arranged marriage where the parents choose the bride.

    I asked someone once why they do this, and he told me that the attitude is that the parent know them best and will be most level headed in choosing a bride for them and they must choose someone who will fit into the whole family and culture and that 'love' is something they learn AFTER marriage rather than before it... marriage is more like a business arrangement between families than it is a romantic dream. If you watch Indian cinema you will see that 'forbidden love' is given big play and drama, but in the end the lovers usually die tragically or some surprise intervention saves them from marriage or allows the marriage. There are love matches, and they are becoming more common, but they are still within the confines of culture where family usually arranges a marriage rather than couples dating and falling in love before marriage.
    Last edited by lavenderdove; 04-04-2012 at 08:06 PM.

  6. #6
    gingerlemon
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    Agree with everything lavenderdove said.

    It's really just a very different outlook on the role that romantic feelings should be allowed to play in terms of life decisions. In that context, being a 'man' may have more to do with doing what is culturally expected than to 'follow one's heart'.

  7. #7
    Victoria66
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    I agree. Marriages in a lot of cultures are not seen as affairs of the heart, they are an economic arrangement between families or to improve one's social class or both. It has nothing to do with not being a man.

  8. #8
    itsallgrand
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    I think like any potential relationship where you are hoping it can be more than simply casual, it's always a good to be at least introduced to the family.
    You learn a lot that way, and fast.

    A lot of people date around casually knowing full well they aren't going to be marrying any of those people they are dating. While I think a lot of what Lavender said has truth to it, not only for Indian men but also some other cultures too are similar in that regard, I think it is also a matter of human nature.

    Sometimes people try on a lot of different socks just for the fun of it. There are usually some pretty good indications when it meant for fun and not an interest in commitment. Sometimes it's more difficult to see the signs, especially if we really really like someone, but sometimes too we just don't want to see.

    Sorry to hear this didn't turn out as you'd hoped.

  9. #9
    marshmlofluff
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    Quote Originally Posted by lavenderdove [Register to see the link]
    I have worked with many many Indian men during my career (on the order of probably a few hundred) and know of only one man who actually married a white woman.

    Hmm. I am Indian-American. I know dozens of Indian men, raised in India, who married non-Indian women, including my own uncle in the 1950s (!). Yes, there were family objections in some instances, but it never stopped them. I also know Indian women who have done the same thing; some of them had liberal parents, but some married interracially in the face of strong parental opposition to the point of having to keep the relationship secret for six years. (I myself have gone to similar lengths for men I loved--although the men in question ultimately left me for unrelated reasons, so marriage did not become an issue.)

    Culture may provide some average, but in the end, who a person is depends on that particular person. And in the end, it all comes down to this: Someone of any skin color who really wants to be with you will not need space for "mental and personal rebuilding" as soon as things get serious. Someone who does not want to be with you will find an excuse.

    I guess it doesn't really matter, in the end, whether the man is Indian or not or what his particular set of issues is. If someone doesn't want to be with you, let him go.
    Last edited by marshmlofluff; 04-04-2012 at 08:20 PM.

  10. #10
    SaraNala
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    Interesting opinions here. I guess I have my answer.

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