Gifts & Challenges

WHY NOT?

I'm not a good writer, and I'm even afraid to be judge by others, but somehow I want to make myself accountable. I don't know if I'll be comfortable with people posting on my threads, and at the same time I feel I need to overcome my fears and interact with others.

I'm very shy, it's hard for me to open up, to even do small talk, and as result I'm a very lonely girl. I don't have any friends, I don't like to go out much and I feel like the best years of my life are now gone, and yet I'm still young and wish I could start all over again and open myself to the opportunities that life has out there for me.

I don't like to label my personality as depressive, anxious, bipolar, or agoraphobic because I believe I can break free, and I have, when I have put all my effort and gave my all. The problem is my lack of motivation. I honestly don't have nothing to look for. in the past, love has been my motor, now all i got is myself. But maybe that is all I need.

My life doesn't make much sense, I love very dearly the person I live with, but I'm not in love with that person. I've been with this person for more than 10 years, I love her like a friend, like a sister, like someone who is part of me, and I honestly can't imagine what my life would be without her. Also, I'm not a lesbian, but many people think I am because I've been with her for so many years.

How did I get myself into all this? Gosh, i wish I could redo things all over again, and yet this person was so dear and nice to me, that I'm sure I'd end up exactly where I'm right now.

I've many regrets.... Actually I don't because I try not to think much about it, but when I do, I regret deeply the life I gave up just to be with someone that made me feel safe and loved.

I've made many mistakes during this lonely times, trying to fill the empty whole in my soul, I've done stupid things, and sometimes I think of me as someone worthless. Someone bad who doesn't deserve even what I have.

Anyways, This journal is called gifts & challenges because I want to change my life one day at a time by overcoming situations that may be very challenging but at the same time will be very rewarding.

I've this gym membership for a year and NEVER EVER I go... I weigh 197 pounds, have lost about 40 in the past 6 months, and I've done it here in the house, just by eating less and healthier. But now I want to start exercising. I think it will make me feel happy.

Another thing about me is that I binge eat when I'm under certain situations. I have been fighting with weight problems for the past 10 years, twice I've lost over 100 pounds, and one more time I'm on my way down.

I've decided to post on the solo journals because I wanna be able to express all i feel without fear of public humiliation, but I do hope to get PM's from those who want to give me some feedback, encouragement or just get to know me.

I feel very bad for pitu. When I read how hard her life is I feel sorry for her because I don't think she has what it takes to change her life. She is too spoiled, she doesn't like difficult, everything gives her stress and on top of all she wants to get rid of me, the only fun person who can give her joy and help her experiment things she never thought of.

Today she made me break up with my boyfriend, she thinks I'm immature, immoral, and put her in danger by pursuing this love. She says is forbidden and she tries to make me feel very guilty about it, but I don't feel bad cuz true is I've never been this happy in a while. But at the same time I'm disappointed. He turned out to be someone very different to the guy I once knew. So, i did send him a text and told him we could only be friends. However, I don't think he took me too seriously. He probably thought it was Pitu fuc&*ng with his mind. So he only said "I understand, if that is what you want, I respect it. Good night"

I thought pitu was going to be happy about it, but instead, she went and binge ate all night. It's like nothing pleases her at all. She is just this self-destructive person who doesn't know who she is or even what she wants from life. And now I also feel like sh*t. I want to text my bf back and say how sorry I am for texting that, but i know there is no point on doing it because Pitu will find her way to make me break up with him again, and he doesn't deserve all this mind games.

Oh well... I'm going to smoke a cigarette, that's right Pitu, you can't control every single thing I do.. I'm feeling sad, my joy is gone, hope you're happy now cuz I'm very angry at u and really hope u get your sh*t together cus this sacrifice can't be in vain.

BTW the only gift u could give to yourself is disappear. I'm sick and tired of your sorry ass complaining all day and not doing a damn thing to change ur life. Dude, is pathetic, I swear.

J

I got no idea... I feel like I'm no one. Someone so lost, afraid to be found and realize there isn't nothing there, someone empty and yet so full of guilt and regrets...

Another day wasted... All day sleeping, hiding inside this person's body who has no desire for nothing, someone who is okay with the way things are, someone who doesn't do a damn thing to change anything... someone lost in her own world... in TV... in her own fantasies.

I know the world out there is scarier, but there is this girl inside me screaming and begging me to let her come out because she wants to enjoy the last best years or her youth. But how can I trust her, she has gotten me into so many problems, because of her I ended up hiding, living in regret and shame....

She is so full of life, she is everything I'm not, she loves to takes risks, if someone is a challenge she goes for it, she plays dirty to get what she wants, she loses her mind and does stupid crazy things like travel to NY to meet a complete stranger, she goes crazy spending all the money that i work so hard to save, she doesn't think about consequences, if it's forbidden, she wants it, and when she is out I have no voice.

I just end up with the broken pieces, with the scars, with the guilt, with the emptiness...

So who do I trust... ?

Maybe I should create a new me, a completely different girl, someone happy being single, someone beautiful, healthy, independent, confident, sensitive, smart, hard working, someone who does not look for love in a man to feel that her life has a porpoise...

Someone named... NATY

Love

Another day wasted...But at least I gave up on the idea of eating Chinese food. I mean, if I have gained about 3 pounds from just eating cereal and other stupid foods that I've in my fridge, imagine if I decided to start eating from the "outside world"

I'm in this crazy binge mood, and I've not been binged in a long time, and I'm wondering why am I doing it... why if I'm finally under 200 pounds, and if I've done so well in the past 6 months, why now that I'm in the 90's I want to sabotage my efforts?

What am i so afraid of? is it all the pressure I put on myself thinking about all the things I'll do once I look normal? it has to be that because I'm always saying that once I weigh 180 I'll go back to college, I'll look for a job, and maybe deep inside my mind I'm scare to get there and face those challenges...

I'm also having this terrible insomnia, but I'm choosing not to feel guilty about it no more. Just because my mom thinks is horrible that I stay up all night, I won't feel guilty. it works for me. It's what it is, and eventually I'll adjust again and sleep at night like I always do...

What I've to do is get out from bed, at whatever time is that I wake up, and then go to the gym. Just go... make a habit of it.... don't think much about it....

So all i need is to make sure that the car has gas, that my adorable "roommate" as I like to call her, leaves the keys on the table and just GOOOOOOOO.... no excuses, no thoughts about it... just do it... So that is the goal for tomorrow.... To go to the gym as soon as I wake up.

La Pitu!

I'm so sick and tired of all these heartbroken stories, it just gets me, maybe cus it touches deep down where I don't want to feel any emotions, I don't know, all I know is that it pisses me off each time I see another post of someone dwelling on the ex... Maybe I don't feel like other people, maybe I'm also incapable of feeling the sadness of a broken heart, or maybe I heal to quick, or maybe I just wonder so much about random stupid things to distract my mind from feeling...

Anyways, i'm so angry atm, idk... I want to smoke so badly, I wanna take a xanax and drink and play with my ex... I wanna feel happy tonight, forget how much it sucks everything, scape and don't give a damn about consequences. I'm so sick and tired of this life, pitu's roommate, and how she watches pitu deteriorates without doing a damn thing about it... agggg.... I just hate EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG, and wish i could put here my true feelings about so many things, but I know sweet pitu's roommate is spying on her, making sure she is on a leash, so not even here I can express what I feel.

J

I just made a huge decision and didn't think much about it and changed my phone number. I know eventually J will give D the number, but I already agreed with J to only give the Google one since there she or I can block unwanted callers.

However, I want to convince J to remain from contacting him for a few weeks. I told her as a way to punishing him... she loves being a bad girl... so i knew that would convince her... but the true is that I want to see how it feels to not wait for his calls no more, to end this once and for all, to know what it is to not hear constantly from him.

I know this will be very hard for J because deep inside she likes him a lot and has fun times playing and fighting with him... it will also be hard to me cuz I think too much about it and now I will have to find something new to think and obsess about.

I know this is also good for J's ex, he needs to be on his own, let go of J once and for all, and face life without her. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs. All i know is that i worry about losing touch with him forever, after all he is my blood, i care about him, i don't wish him bad like J does...

Love

Living With a little bit of this and a little bit of that

Child Abuse

Domestic Violence

Incest

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Agoraphobia

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Social Phobia

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Attention Deficit Disorder

Selective Mutisim

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Bulimia Nervosa

Binge Eating Disorder

Factitious Disorder

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Compulsive Lying

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Clinical Depression

Bipolar Disorder

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Insomnia

Food Addiction

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THE FOLLOW:

Cutting and Self Injury

Anger Management

Sexual Abuse

Tourette's Syndrome

Autism

Asperger's Syndrome

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Stuttering

attachment disorder

Cognitive Disorders

Dementia

Delirium

Anorexia Nervosa

Factitious Disorders

Munchausen Syndrome

Shoplifting Addiction

Trichotillomania

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Postpartum Depression

Delusional Disorder

Schizophrenia

Sexual Disorders

Sexual Addiction

Gender Identity Disorder

Paraphilias

Nightmare Disorder

Somatoform Disorders

Hypochondriasis

GAMBLING

Substance Abuse Disorders

There were moments today where I felt so empty, lonely, and hopeless, and I thought to myself, if I let myself to keep thinking this way I am going to get into a serious depression. See, the thing about my life is that as bad as everything seems, I somehow find ways to kill time and entertain myself. So I rarely cry, I just love going to sleep very late at night, I love watching tv shows, I love talking on the phone, I love creating new food recipes, and I even enjoy doing the dishes.

So, yeah, where was I? hum.... oh yeah, I was trying to scape those horrible feelings I was having, and it always helps me to think that I don't have to worry about tomorrow. To just relax and love right now. To breath, and to take joy on that... on being able to breath... on being here... Yes I could be enjoying the weather ridding my bike, yes, I could be going to clubs with my cousins, yes I could be going to the pool and trying to get some tan, but why make myself feel guilty for all the things I am not doing.... Yeah sure enjoy life to the max is the goal for most people... But for me right now it is just to hang in there, to not sink in because by doing this I'm saying I'm here, I love life, I'm grateful for today.

So anyways... today my sister text me and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk... is weird cus I was thinking about asking her that earlier, but I was also having many other random thoughts.. and usually I always decline my sister's invitations, so is weird that she even asked me... but I answered: "Sure, let's go jogging instead. Pick u up, be ready." Ha, she was not seeing that coming, and when I went to get her she was like "dude u really here, can't believe u wanna go jogging, it's almost midnight" (btw, u think I got issues, I'm the normal of the family, my sis is the craziest one)

Then it started to rain... so we were inside the car wondering what to do... and I was saying let's wait, at some point the rain will stop... and after a few minutes it did, and then we went jogging... oh boy we both are in terrible shape... we made it 5minutes without stopping, and then we went like that for half hr...

It was a great accomplishment... we felt happy when we were done with it...

Only I didn't pick up my sister... I'm still too stupid to drive alone anywhere... so S (my roommate) drove me over there, and she was also in the car, right behind us while we were jogging.

Love

So... I'm looking at my cellphone contacts... most numbers are from restaurants, pharmacies, the clinic, 4 or 5 family members; one of them who is already dead, and then a bunch of friends of my ex... Numbers I used to have to spy on him... It's funny how people here in ena say how horrible they feel about spaying on their ex, please spying is soooo fun, at least I'm an expert, I go kind of ocd and start linking clues, going back on dates, reading profiles, comparing status, times, ha ha ha, I mean, everything you put on the internet, you might as well have it tattoo on your forehead cus here are all the answers... so yesss, I got all those numbers from my ex's friends... and then like 3 numbers from a few "friends".

On top of that I had almost 500 texts from my ex, his ex (nice girl, I made them break up cus he was cheating on her with me, so one day I went LOCO and called her and told her all about it. I did her a favor, we are now kind of frenemies.... But anyways... I erased all those text messages... and I deleted all the calls, calls that had a meaning for me because I knew exactly what I was doing on that date I got this or that call, why we spoke for almost 2 hours, birthday calls, about 300 calls all together (that's about all my cheap phone can keep I guess) AND I DELETED EVERYTHING !!!

And now I feel so f....ing mad.... why the heck did I do that... in fact, I'm sure that was not me but Pitu cus when she has nothing to do she does s..t like this all the time, so now she's all stress free and I'm bored as f...k

J

]

Pitu and Love where not to happy about this list I put on the other night... hello, it's my journal, our journal, I can put anything i want in here, and who is gonna take any of this s...t seriously... honestly, who would? But now they are wondering, what if we start making some "friends" from the PM's we get... Well if that happens, then this journal is just based on creative stupid thoughts.... It's all in my imagination maybe... so blame it all on me... Say I make up s...t...

Child Abuse: My mom used to hit me, there were bruises, pain, fear, and verbal abuse since I was a child till I turned 15 I'd say. Then she created a monster, and one day when she tried to hit me in front of my friends, I hit her back and told ehr to never ever touch me again.

Domestic Violence: It was very scary to see my father and brothers fighting, blood, guns, screams, while I was on my knees praying that the fight stopped.

Incest: lonely, sad, rejected, vulnerable.... and felt loved for the 1st time...

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: After a cosmetic surgery where I woke up in the middle of it and later realized the one who did it was just a student practicing on my body. The blood, the scars, my body open up in a table and me seeing and hearing everything. Not fun the PTSD

Agoraphobia: Sometimes Pitu don't leave the house for months.... once it was almost a year.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Numbers... Times... some thoughts.. is not that bad, but when it happens it doesn't stop for hours... kind of cool actually.

Social Phobia: Not me, but pitu does...

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: When I wake up.... the sweating, the heart pounding faster, the heavy breathing, the feeling of fear.... for no other reason than waking up

Attention Deficit Disorder: worse than a poodle.. I don't even remember most important events of my life... I know I was there but who knows where my mind was. Also I jump from one subject to another... that's how my mind works all day.

Selective Mutisim: words just don't come out, specially if is strangers talking to me

Dissociative Identity Disorder: me and my alters Just kidding love, you are the body

Bulimia Nervosa: In the mornings, on an empty stomach... comes and goes

Binge Eating Disorder: At night... when I feel horrible, alone, abandoned

Factitious Disorder: W T F is this?

Intermittent Explosive Disorder: Oh yeah, i can go loco, and go crazy, but rarely, but when it happens is cus of a medicine side effect.

Compulsive Lying: To my ex, to my roommate, it's more a survival mechanism, or maybe I just like to lie, tell my ex how much fun I'm having.... bla... but I don't make up stories to get people attention, just to my ex I lied a lot.

Seasonal Affective Disorder: Winter makes me so sad, anxious, depress

Clinical Depression: is not that bad... Joking... pitu is really depressed... unmotivated, like dead inside.

Bipolar Disorder: weird but when I like a guy, I go euphoric, fearless, careless... i become sexy, I flirt, I drive in my convertible, I run the city. Then pitu comes and oh sad life let me be in bed for a month watching prison break, dexter and 24... Just to mention a few. That has to be another disorder LMAO

Antisocial Personality Disorder: Grrr we all don't like people much, got no idea who lives next door, don't say hi to anyone. We like to pretend we are deaf or just ass*oles and walk away.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Oh my God, why me, I take all so personal, even the simple thing can bring me down, make me feel worthless, rejected, scare, abandoned. then I realize it was not that bad..

Histrionic Personality Disorder: That's so me, and also the reason why pitu hides, she gained so much weight, she can't live in a world where she isn't the center of the universe, and I'm all about drama in the love area.

Avoidant Personality Disorder: Forgot what this is.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Ha ha... that's love...she thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world, nothing can't or should hurt her, she goes first...at least when she ran this body. IMO, I'm sure she'd disagree.

Schizoid Personality Disorder: Zero interest in relationships, maybe that's why pitu settled down with her lesbian "roommate" no sex, no much communication, each on a different room... works for them... i don't think so. But how are they gonna end this? got no idea?

Insomnia: It's what it is... at night my mind wonders, thinks, creates... I can't sleep.

Food Addiction: Obsess about calories, diets, thinking about food 24/7

J

I just rated my own thread as Excellent. I know no-one else would, my grammar and spelling probably hurts the eyes of those who can write. And then who would care about any of the s...t I write here.... But it'd be nice to know someone likes my thread... Me always needing the approval of others... silly silly stupid girl, but I want stars, I want recognition, I want to become famous, ha ha... I think I'm starving and as result hallucinating. time for a bean burrito and some TV

Sometimes I fear to log on and read what I wrote on my journal the night before... I fear logging on and having a bunch of PMs where I'm going to be insulted, judged, confronted, or made fun of...

I wonder what would my family think if they read my journal, I'd never want them to feel pity... I also wonder what would S think... I don't ever want S to think that I don't love her because I do... How could I not... She is my best friend, my angel, part of me...

Today feels like a Sunday and it's Tuesday... I'm finding it hard to start a "normal" life... I don't want that type of discipline right now, I've not for the past year... and I keep saying LATER I will organize my time... go to sleep early, wake up at the same time, clean, cook, go to the gym, but even all that feels like so much at the moment... So i won't even worry about school or work.

On a more positive note, I'm down to 199.6... I had gained a few pounds back and seeing 200 or more really creeps me out. I never EVER want to weigh over 200 pounds, NEVER!!!!!! The way I'm trying to do things this time is this: I don't like to starve, I think that only leads to binging... I find that zoloft and also yaz help me with the cravings, so what I do is eat meals. And one or 2 small snacks. I try to eat only when I'm hungry, not when I'm told to eat.

I used to eat junk food all the time, now I don't anymore and I'm very proud of me.

One step at a time....

Love

So how did I end up with S... Well, I had a rough life, meet this wonderful girl in church, we became good friends, and she offered to help me out in all areas of my life. At first she didn't tell me she was gay... She never asked for nothing in return and she was even ok with me dating guys...

Two years later, I'm suffering from depression, I gain 100 pounds and I don't want to leave the house... I quit my job and S rented me a condo and was paying all the bills...

About a year after that I left her... I knew that was not the life I wanted, and tried to do something with my life on my own. However, I went into a big depression again and S rescued me one more time.

Then, we moved in together, and a few years later she talked to me into investing... Buying our first home... I was scare, but also hopeless, so I did it...

Then, one day i realized that was not the life I wanted for me... I knew I could never afford the mortgage, but told S I was done living this lie... She said fine...but didn't take me too seriously....

Months later she found out I was having an affair with someone... Then she realized I was serious about going separate ways, and I didn't even care to lose the house... at that point neither did she.

However, S didn't want me to walk away with nothing after all the years that we had been together... so she bought me a condo by the beach... a very nice car...and offered to pay my expenses for a whole year while I settled down. Also, she moved to her own place... But before doing it she told me she knew I'd not last too long on my own and assured me I was going to be back begging her to move in with me.

I thought very different. I thought I was going to get out of my depression at last... I was being free and had it all... but instead I became very scare and anxious... I was afraid to be on my own... I didn't even know my social #, and needed S for everything... Even to ask her for my home address, zip code, car papers... I was worthless... and my depression came back... and so did S....

So... We're living again together...

Love

omg what is wrong with me, I've no recollection of anything that happened today, I can see in the garbage that i ate so much food.. I also took some pills and I think I called my ex but I'm almost sure we didn't talk because his phone was off...

All I know is that after going jogging I went crazy... I came feeling ok but not great because I didn't even walk for half an hour... so there was some disappointment there... Then when I saw that all that effort burned off only 150 calories, i felt slapped on the face and that's when I started eating everything, a cup of chocolate ice cream, 2 slices of bread with butter, 3 pastelito bites, a cup of macaroni and cheese, and then I took some pills... and that's when I spaced out... I was going crazy in the house, J came and wanted to call the x, but then J got distracted playing this stupid game on the computer and I think she past out... Then I woke up and it was almost midnight, and I had no idea where S was, or what I had done the night before....

I only hope things are like I recall... I got flashback of driving to another city.... But I don't wanna think about it... I just wanna medicate myself, go back to sleep, and wake up in the morning... to start all over again.

Love

I don't know what I'm feeling.. sad maybe... My brother's ex-wife's brother (is that grammatically correct? Please if u ever feel like helping me improve my English, PM me and feel free to correct me, I will appreciate it. thanks) Anyways... this guy died today of a heart attack... another of her younger brothers died in a car accident 3 yrs ago, then the second youngest brother died on a motorcycle 5 years ago and her son; my nephew, also died in a car accident 4 years ago...

And I feel so shocked... it's like tragedy after tragedy has been following this family, why?... I can only imagine my sister in law's pain, losing 3 brothers and one son, all of them between the ages of 18 and 30... Now imagine the pain my ex-sister in law's mother is feeling... My gosh.... I feel so empty, so lost, so angry...

We are nothing... Life is unfair.... and all i want is binge and take 2 xanax.

Love

I'm angry at my mom, at S, at myself, at my sister...

I'm tired of this life, of my poor choices, of how slow the hours go by in this house...

I'm sad because I look back and only see time wasted, a life I didn't live.

I'm hoping to overcome this situation, to lose another 20 pounds, to start putting myself out-there and overcoming my fears.

I want to be thin, go to the gym, buy clothes, drive everywhere, go to restaurants and enjoy the company, the talk, the food.

I need to love myself, to take care of my body and mind, to be kind but to also push myself to do things, to take RISKS!!!

Love

And here I was thinking I was one of the craziest ones posting on the solo journals, but I just noticed I have strong competence lol

Wow, the things people write about.... amazing how we all have issues... weird issues... and then there are those journals that are so perfect, full of inspiration, happiness, dedication, discipline... But I'm sure somewhere behind those words there are also issues, pain, problems....

We just vent about what we choose to focus I guess... So... My x told me tonight he does not want me, he wants L... not J, nor pitu...

I feel so much love when I talk to him, like if he really cared about me... But I know he doesn't... he cares only about one thing. Just like me, myself and J

J

J Went Histrionic last night

Out of no-where J text him and first put him down trying to make him feel bad about his looks. I don't think she meant bad, she knows he's vain and maybe she was trying that approach to help him realize what he's doing to his body....

Then she went psycho and sent him like 30 texts telling him all she thought about the other J... let's just say it was not nice since that was her competence.. But he knew she was getting her anger out, so he didn't respond. He knows he failed her, hurt her, played her, so he took it all...

Then J told him she was going to go out with her neighbor and that did piss him off... But she turned off her phone and went to sleep.

I don't like this number: 27... I will answer 6 posts around to go up to the number 33....

YESSSS... Mission accomplished.... This number is more beautiful... makes me feel blessed... 33 it is!!!

J

Why did love coem with this tittle, gifts and challenges? what was she thinking when she created? of course she was dreaming, or maybe it was Pitu...

I just HATEthe tittle of this journal, but I guess unless u are someone very important here in ENA, u can't do a damn thing to change it. Not that I've tried... But I'm sure of that.

Anyways... I'm in charge of the body today... I'm back in time... Back to that one fateful night on a forbidding full moon, when my soul reluctantly dragged me to the place I met my biggest mistake, my forbidden love, myself....

J

From the book women food and god

"To discover what you really believe, pay attention to the way you act -- and to what you do when things don't go the way you think they should. Pay attention to what you value. Pay attention to how and on what you spend your time. Your money. And pay attention to the way you eat." By Colleen Wachob

I don't act. I sit, I ask, demand sometimes, expect, and receive.

When things don't go my way I get restless, I try to manipulate the situation, I feel sad, angry, I isolate myself.

I value the love of my mom, my "me time", loyalty, peace of mind financially.

I spend my time with the same clothes I wear to go to sleep. I'm in my panties all day and wear just a shirt. Sitting in front of the laptop reading, posting, quoting. Or in my bed watching tv, watching shows.

I don't expend money. i save it to buy things when I feel I'm deserving of them. I expend sometimes on haircare. Oh, I do expend money on groceries. I like to have food in my refrigerator. I like to have diversity.

I eat like there is no tomorrow, fast, like if someone was rushing me out, the more I eat the easier is to scape. I have big servings thinking I must get full to not eat more later. I don't think when I'm eating, I just eat like if I had been starving all day, when usually I'm not.

Love

Challenge

Ok, it's almost 2pm... I'm getting a little ocd posting and I feel so restless and I need to relax... so I'm challenging myself to take a break from the computer for 2 hours... I'll get back at 4pm...and in the next 2 hours I will watch tv, clean my face, maybe listen to music...

Should I let J in... she's begging me to let her have it... she wants a cigaret badly....

Love

Back...

watch 24

Organize a bit my bathdroom

Cleaned my face

Did my hair

Took 1 blue

Smoked

Text the x

J

Tonight Challenge

It's almost 8pm... The challenge is to stop eating for the rest of the day.

No more food. Just water or tea.

And to turn off the TV, phone and the computer before midnight to get ready to go to sleep.

Love

FAILED!

That's all I'm gonna say... grrrr... J went to sleep around 5am, she took a blue and she was playing mind games. Though, I was literary exhausted from 2 days of barely any sleep, when she entered me, so did her insomnia habits. F...k...... i hate the enemy within me.

Love