Love145 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 Alter Fight I'm so tired of fighting this stupid emotional irrational spoiled immature careless B * T C H . I know I've to be the strongest one here, and I am. I may not be as loud but I have the body, and no matter what my alters do, I will always try with all I got to come back, to regain control of my life, to live my life like it should be. Right now I'm trying to lock J somewhere, I'm trying hard not to listen to her bs, but I'm constantly agitated... Like in a defensive mood, afraid to be touched, disturbed.... But it's so hard... I feel like I'm becoming a bad person, just like J... I don't want to feel this way.. I don't want her words to have any effect on me, I don't ever want her to make me feel so small and insignificant because that is when she takes over and truly ruins my life. Love Link to comment
Love145 Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 It's been a while... Life is going good, J is out for good or so I thought. I've had control of the body for all these days and I've felt very happy, living in the present and sharing time with those I love. However, i can hear J calling... I don't know what she wants, I always block her... My life is so good now, I won't allow that stupid immature careless B * T C H to come and mess up with everyone's life again. Today I was kind of confronted because of something she did, and I honestly didn't feel any guilt... why should i, if it was not I the one who made all those mistakes.I can't pay for all the wrongs she did, I have to let go of that as I let go of her... Her ex never called again, my plan worked perfectly, I broke his heart, and now he won't ever call J again... and that gives em piece... because it was hard to have control of her when he was all the time texting her and calling her. I've so much peace now.... Thank God.... Love Link to comment
Love145 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 He blocked J... He couldn't take it... When he saw she was with someone else he blocked her... and now I can hear her screaming from deep deep inside me, begging me to let her come out to tell him the true... That she is not with anyone... But I won't do that... her voice is not as strong as the voice inside me where I hear how awesome it feels to finally break free, move on and let go of someone that had nothing but bad things to offer me.... Sometimes, I do feel a voice inside me trying to make me feel guilty... maybe I am, but what can I do? continue this nonsense s..t cus I'm the one to blame for everything? Did J's mistakes ruined his life, or did he ruined it himself? Where would he be now if J had never been in his life? all those questions bother me, but i try not to think about it... I hope God forgives me for ever being so weak and let J enter in my body.... That's all I can say.... Though, I barely have memories of the 2 of them... it's like it never happened, like if everything was a story made up by J... Let this be our secret and let's hope it never ever comes out.... Link to comment
Love145 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 Finally I'm back, and Love was right, this was a big huge mothef&&ing mistake, he sent me a letter, it was so beautiful, love couldn't do nothing, my feelings were stronger than hers and I came out, took the body and found a way to talk to him... He was so sad, crying, begging to see me, to be with me... and that's when I realized how paralyzed I was... true is I can't do s h * * t without Love... I'm just words, thoughts, feelings, but the freaking biatch is the do and she aint going nowhere, she aint meeting w him, she aint even for the sex no more... but the pain I'm feeling is so intense cuz now i see how worthless is to even try... and I know even Love is feeling the pain as I type this... she may be another entity, but this pain is so freaking intense and hard, she aint coming back cus she aint willing to deal with it... so I'm fu...ing suffering ehre, mad at myself for not listening to love, for begging ehr to elt me come to life, for hurting her so bad cus she was doing awesome when she was in control of the body, and now that i took position I've been doing lots of destructive things... hurting her... making a mess with everything she's been building. Please Love forgive me for being so stupid, don't ever hear me out, i'm a kid, immature, selfish, egocentric, and I never see beyond... u can live a better life without me... pls don't be scare to lock me in a place where I can't never come out... u know it's the only way to break free and move on... I'm also tired of my games... is my time to go, please kill me....u can do better without me. J Link to comment
Love145 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 The past few week have been ok, for the most part I've been able to control J... I'm proud of being the head of the body... but inside I can feel her guilt and sadness, so I have tried to talk o her ex and give him some advices, but I've not allowed them to get together or even speak. J is too sensible, she thinks I'm weak, but I'm just not a bad person, but I do think before acting... J acts like a crazy wild kid, and doesn't realise her actions have horrible consequences. I know she wants me to stay home every morning so she can take the body and speak to her ex, so what I do is that I go away and stay as busy as I can, so he can't reach her... This is a mess.. I know people think I'm crazy.... but this is real... Link to comment
Love145 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 I'm so angry, I hate her so much, the anger and hate is so intense I almost bring the b17ch back to life... How did she became who she was... How was I so powerless, why i didn't see it coming, why I couldn't do nothing about it, why was I so blind, so weak, so defeated by her stubbornness and immaturity. And why now is sor lili F * c * 1n6 judging me every freaking second like if she was any better... Aggggg shut up shut up..... I don't wanna hear u... s t f u plz Love Link to comment
Love145 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 I got no idea where is J or her ex... both disappeared, and part of me fears they are together... but how could they if I've the body and I'm here, far from them, from everything, from everyone.... I don't care if they ran away together, maybe they are happy, what matters is that I'm happy, at peace, finally free... However, I must admit it was scaring reading the post above... i never posted that, so it probably was J trying to impersonate me.. so this mean she was here not to long ago... but the fact that her boyfriend stopped calling me makes me thing they are at last together.... I don't know how I'd feel about that... I guess happy if they are happy... as long as I don't wake up one day in his bed, in my body, in a story that doesn't belongs to me, then everything is fine. Part of me wishes I could protect them both... but they don't understand I'm another person, so it's better this way... But can't deny I miss them both... Love Link to comment
Love145 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Just found this message in my blog... never did I think J would actually ask me to lock her in... so maybe I did... maybe she isn't with him... but that would mean she is still somewhere in me ... wow Love Link to comment
Love145 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 is weird, people are so quick to judge, but they don't know what it is to walk a lifetime on someone else shoes... Yes, I'm very disturbed, broken, irrational, immature, selfish, but I don't realize I'm all of this till is to late and the actions of what I did are hunting me down. How did I become this way, who made me this way, who hurt me so much... all those questions have answers... those who were supposed to love me and protect me were the ones who kept me lock in a room for years, and then when i wanted to be free, kicked me out off the house.... Yes I'm a monster, cruel, cold, insensitive, narcissistic, materialistic, arrogant, manipulative, practical cold heartless d 1 c * K ... but I understand pain, things that don't make sense to society... Allow me to introduce myself, I'm N... a 25 yr old man trapped in a woman's body... And I'm gay.. Link to comment
Love145 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Today could have gone horrible. J called her love n the second she was being told he didn't live anymore there, idk how I even switch but I'm glad I did because I am sure she'd have not handled the news well. However, I'm concern, idk where she is, idk if she disappeared to scape the stress of it; which is unlike her, so where the hell is my girl? I know she is not in the outside world because I'm here w the body n this is why I'm posting cus I don't want to wake up tomorrow having blackouts n doubts. So where is my girl. I can't her pain or stress or nothing. It's like she never existed. Even when I lock her I can feel her. I'm so worry. Maybe she didn't hear he was gone cus I did the switch right away, but we have a system of integration, so we are always aware of what's going on w the body... and nathaly has been too quiet too... she is been gone since d came back. Anyways, J loves to smoke n drink tea so I will try that n maybe that will bring her back. As for Nathalie, I'm better off without her and all the financial struggles she puts me through. Sometimes when I look at the tattoo she had done in my arm I feel so out of my element, but I guess she did it to cover the scars she has always taken blame for. do you think is a good thing that J is not manifesting any emotions atm? She has been very suicidal lately and I'm afraid she is waiting quiet for me to go to sleep so she takes the body and does something to harm herself. I gotta be at work in 5 hours, and if J enters me, she won't show up at work and I can't afford to lose this job two. Also I think when she goes to work taking my body, I got a feeling my coworkers can tell something is different with me... and then when I go back as myself I feel so embarrased. But do you think other people can see when you switch or only those who have did can? love Link to comment
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