My Dad and I can't have a productive argument....ever.

To put it simply me and my Dad can't have a one on one calm "reasonable" argument that solves the issue at hand. Nope, it's guns a blazen from the get go.

You see Thanksgiving week (this week) my farther has the whole week off from work and I have the whole week off from college. Thanksgiving is traditionally held at my parent's house and this year is no exception. This means high stress for everyone, especially my parents.

Example: Yesterday my father and I from 10am to 6pm spent the entire day pruning 5 trees in the backyard, racking all the leaves, pruning all the bushes....basically massive yard work for the front and backyard done in one day.

It's all in preparation for hosting the huge party on Thursday. Now see I really don't mind helping, afterall I live in my parent's house and I feel obligated to help.

The issue is after doing all this work with my Dad at the end of the day I repeatedly told him that the next day I would wash the cars like he asked but that I also had physics homework that urgently needed to be done because I would have no time for it later in the week (Thanksgiving day, Black Friday, Cousin's 18th B-day, trip to Seattle..you get the picture).

(I openly admit that I did NOT tell my Dad which one I planned to get done first. I didn't tell him because honestly I hoped he would pick my homework on his own as first priority over washing the cars.)

However, come morning my Dad is all fired up ready to get the daily chores done (my Dad is a morning person.....I am the farthest thing from a morning person).

I haven't eaten breakfast and I'm cranky...very cranky because I got lots of stuff to do. My Dad on the other hand is stressed out and running around trying to get everyone going on stuff that needs to be done.

I on the other hand have homework to get done so first thing I do is sit down at the dinning room table and "try" to study while chaos is all around me. My Dad walks into the room and immediately gets on my case about why I'm the only one not doing anything.

I then tell him I will do the cars like I said I would but later and that I have to get my homework done first. He explodes, I then respond...by exploding (the apple in my case didn't "fall from the tree"). At this point we're yelling at eachother at the top of our lungs (not joking) I'm red in the face, he's red in the face. He misunderstands me and thinks "I'm not cleaning the cars at all today." Me, I'm just pissed because he's so stressed out and is worrying more about the chores then my homework which is extremely difficult.

Honestly, I don't remember a single thing he said or I said in the entire argument (very productive...I know) (although I know all the neighbors know the details from how loud we were).

After 10 minutes the argument is over I stomp off into my room and slam the door (mature of me I know) and my Dad stomps off somewhere else to finish whatever he was doing. 3 hours later..... I'm done with homework and I'm working on the van changing the oil along side my Dad like nothing ever happened....

I mean we've talked about these arguments and my Dad always jokes and says something along the lines of... "we're men, we blow some steam and say what needs to be said and then go about our way and get the work done and don't hold grudges like your mother" (he is just teasing my mother.....she's normally in ear shot when he says that). But anyway, my opinion is different on the matter because I realize that I am very similar to my Dad, I hate to admit it but I am him...practically. Having said this I think the issue is lack of communication....but I struggle on how to "fix" this between me and him because I get drawn into angry mode just like he does and can't keep my calm wits at all sometimes.

I am very close to both my parents and they've always been very involved/supportive in my life but sometimes my Dad and I get really....dramatic.

I guess you could say my overall question is how do you communicate properly with a parent?...(without blowing a gasket.

Also, my apologies for the lengthy post...

-Jake

You two have serious communication problems. I think you both need to learn some sort of conflict resolution, cause the first thing you state in your post is " constructive argument". I hate to burst your bubble but no such thing exists, no matter who you think wins the argument, both parties walk away thinking they are either right or their pride is hurt. Either way you both lose. I would try to keep things calm and show him you're priorities, as you see fit. If you're father doesn't agree or isn't open to listening, you should maybe find you're own place, that is if you're an adult.

You sound like my son and I... exactly!

From the homework to the chores, to the stress... but you don't hit him... thank God!

From a parent's POV?

When you were younger did you say you would do something and then not do it? Repeatedly?

My sudden burst of anger with my son comes from years of him telling me he'll get to something and then doing something else entirely. When I then escalate it to yelling at him, he then escalates by doing something else.

WE have communication issues. I love my son.... YOU have very similar communication and conflict resolution issues.

At least in your case, you own your crud and accept that you did not act appropriately at all times.

What I started to do with my son, when he'd get mad at me, is say, "I love you." Very quietly, very calmly no matter what he was saying or doing. The first few times he got madder, then he started to smile. Hard to stay angry with someone who's looking in your face and saying, "I love you."

Try it.

oh it does sound like me and members of my family. we are all very volatile and the slightest things turn into arguments, massive big rows. at least you and your father talk to each other afterwards and kind of accept this is the way you communicate.

my family and i end up going weeks without speaking and sometimes i think our relationship is damaged beyond repair.

i have noticed that i sometimes find myself screaming and reacting completely innapropriately to something minor that my partner has done and i recognise instantly that its the pattern of communication with my family repeating itself in situations i dont want.

i feel myself shouting at my daughter when she has done something small, because i am irritated with a short fuse and i hate myself for it. every night i tell myself i will not shout tomorrow, and yet i do..

i think all you can do is try and make the arguments shorter and shorter, by having a slightly shorter rant and then walking away. i wish i could walk away when my family irritate the hell out of me, but i always rise to the bait and scream back, despite it getting us nowhere!

families eh?!