Guys: have you ever changed your mind about a girl?

Have you ever not liked a girl but then started to like her? I mean, a friend.

I liked my friend and he didn't want a relationship and so I said I didn't want to talk to him again. The friendship is over (its for the best). But I can't help but hope that since I've NC'ed it, that he'll miss me and want me.

Sort of. But it's only coz it's been more than 10 years and I'm lonely as * * * * that I wonder whether I should have dated some girls I rejected back then.

I would, but if a girl wants to date me and i'm not dating anyone why not, give her a shot you never know what may happen.

Yes I have. I used to know this girls who had a crush on me in high school. I was freaked out by High School politics and did not go out with her, plus she was kinda sweaty. One day I was in shotgun while sitting in traffic, this was about three or four yrs after high school. Who do I see having the whole 10 fwy backed up but her? Due to an accident, I yelled and asked if she needed help. She looked so frigggin hot and I was amazed!!! Then she says thanks for stopping to help but her husband was on the way now. I felt like a chump. SO! Maybe next time you see him he will "chumpify" and you can let him no hes still got a shot.

I'm trying to find a personal precedent for this one. Haven't really thought of one yet. If a woman liked me, then I turned her down, did I later like her because she gave me the cold shoulder? I suppose that I did one time, but it didn't work out in the end.

But with friends? Hmmmm. I think it's much, much more likely that you two will connect as friends again then you will as lovers. Not to say it's impossible, but since he knows how deep your feelings are (willing to completely write him out of your life if you can't get your way because you just can't take the emotional drag of it all), he's going to feel a little bit pressured.

Even if he really likes you, he's have to be really, really sure about his feelings because he wouldn't want to come back, be wishy washy, and then end up just messing with you. I had this problem once. I realized, "Damn, I really have feelings for this woman." But then when I played it in my head I just couldn't act on it. I couldn't be sure. I couldn't be sure I still wasn't into someone else, or that I could give her what she wanted which was significant, and it's better to let someone go completely then to hurt them more if you don't know.

On a side note, it's nice to be sure. I miss that. My new motto will be Sure 2009.

I am in the situation you are in right now caterina and I also issued NC.

NC is a good thing. It gives you a chance to get over him and if he changes his mind it isn't going to be by you putting pressure on by expressing feelings. To have even the slightest chance at him you are going to have to be a little aloof, and to do that without playing games it means "get over him before you come into contact again." and make anyone who you want work for it so that you know they want it just as much.

I have changed my mind about girls who were friends but only after they were slightly indifferent about my passion for them. Then there was no pressure.

Also, if there is no chemistry then nothing will change the situation.

Did he ever give you signs that there was chemistry? And if so, what?

Eitherway, it is impossible not to hope he will change his mind, but don't expect it. And don't contact him either until you are over him unless he contacts you. Being in the friend zone with someone you really like is misery, as you and I both know right now.

What do you mean you weren't sure you weren't into someone else? When we ended it, he said, "I could never make you happy," and I said, "Yes, you do, you always make me happy." But there were some things that he knew I wanted that I'm not sure he could give (cultural differences in familial structure/values).

Also, if we ever talk again - It will never be as friends. Like I said, I kissed my friendship with him goodbye. My self esteem doesn't need a friendship like that.

You know how I feel. Its absolute hell. Its been three months and sometimes its easier and sometimes its harder. I tried dating but I end up hating the guys because they aren't him.

I am trying to move on and really, the only times its hard is when I have a failure, or its a lonely night: and I know I can't call him and have him make me laugh...

you ended it in hopes he would like you? pretty manipulative as a person don't you think?

There are some strategies that people do to make people like them more. Brushing your hair, taking a shower, not being overly available...you call those manipulative?

There are some strategies that people do to make people like them more. Brushing your hair, taking a shower, not being overly available...you call those manipulative?

i think your strategy is a bit extreme compared to showering and brushing hair.

i think your strategy is a bit extreme compared to showering and brushing hair.

That would have been a side benefit. I also ended it b/c it was best for me since it was damaging to my self esteem to have a guy act like my boyfriend but not want to be my boyfriend around. What exactly are you implying ghost

Have you ever not liked a girl but then started to like her? I mean, a friend.

 

I liked my friend and he didn't want a relationship and so I said I didn't want to talk to him again. The friendship is over (its for the best). But I can't help but hope that since I've NC'ed it, that he'll miss me and want me.

that's what i'm implying. that is crazy behavior.

that's what i'm implying. that is crazy behavior.

Why is that? I mean, consider the principle everyone tells us to follow: which is, people want you more when you're unavailable.

I think that it is more likely he'd miss the friendship, but since you only went into NC because he didn't like you the way you wanted he will probably feel more resentment than a sudden "i think i'd like her as a lover" than anything else.

I know if a guy friend ended our friendship because he liked me as more then a friend and i kindly made it known i didn't reciprocate i'd feel relief that he ended the friendship more than desire for him. I'd feel he was petty and spiteful to end a friendship like that and be glad to be rid of him.

the healthiest approach would be to go into NC for your own emotional well being vs a tactic to get him back. I think the latter will fail but the former would be healthy.

I think that it is more likely he'd miss the friendship, but since you only went into NC because he didn't like you the way you wanted he will probably feel more resentment than a sudden "i think i'd like her as a lover" than anything else.

 

I know if a guy friend ended our friendship because he liked me as more then a friend and i kindly made it known i didn't reciprocate i'd feel relief that he ended the friendship more than desire for him. I'd feel he was petty and spiteful to end a friendship like that and be glad to be rid of him.

 

the healthiest approach would be to go into NC for your own emotional well being vs a tactic to get him back. I think the latter will fail but the former would be healthy.

bingo. nice js!!

I think that it is more likely he'd miss the friendship, but since you only went into NC because he didn't like you the way you wanted he will probably feel more resentment than a sudden "i think i'd like her as a lover" than anything else.

 

I know if a guy friend ended our friendship because he liked me as more then a friend and i kindly made it known i didn't reciprocate i'd feel relief that he ended the friendship more than desire for him. I'd feel he was petty and spiteful to end a friendship like that and be glad to be rid of him.

 

the healthiest approach would be to go into NC for your own emotional well being vs a tactic to get him back. I think the latter will fail but the former would be healthy.

Eh, maybe you're right. I ended the frendship before and he was very angry. Although he came to want the friendship later on.

I think my mind still has difficulty grasping around it: something I'm astonished by. I dno't see how he could just have cared about me as a friend. I want a real reason: I wish to God for a real reason: that he was afraid of relationships, that, anything.

Caterina, we don't always get a real reason. Attraction is a funny thing, we don't always know why a person just doesn't 'grab us". I dont think forcing an answer on him will help much. And if he did give a solid answer, it would likely hurt your feelings more than help, even tho it seems that an answer would be a good thing.

I really think if you have hung onto this for three solid years it's time to let go for your own mental health. It is probably keeping you from going out there and being more proactive with your dating efforts if you keep thinking this guy will work out.

A guy will definitely make it very known if he likes a girl and it wont take three years. If by chance it does take that long that is a sign he moves way too slow and that is a good enough reason to move on ...

I just wonder what it is. Three years. What was he hiding?

That would have been a side benefit. I also ended it b/c it was best for me since it was damaging to my self esteem to have a guy act like my boyfriend but not want to be my boyfriend around. What exactly are you implying ghost

If he truly did act like a b/f then that suggests he was just comfortable and complacent and it was an easy situation, and perhaps wanted an FWB situation. But i can assure you if he really liked you in that way he would have made it known.

There is no way a guy will take the chance of a girl he likes finding another guy so he WILL make it known if he wants a chance himself.

I just wonder what it is. Three years. What was he hiding?

Why do you think he was hiding anything? It sounds like the situation was comfortable for him so he felt why not? But he obviously didn't want a relationship or you would have known.

Isnt the important thing here just knowing he didn't want a relationship, and not really the reason why? What if he told you and it was hurtful like "i dont find you attractive in that way" or "i dont find you g/f material"?

Out of all the possible answers I can't really think of one that wouldn't be hurtful so it's best to not push for it. There are some questions better left unasked or probed. This would be one of those.

If he truly did act like a b/f then that suggests he was just comfortable and complacent and it was an easy situation, and perhaps wanted an FWB situation. But i can assure you if he really liked you in that way he would have made it known.

 

There is no way a guy will take the chance of a girl he likes finding another guy so he WILL make it known if he wants a chance himself.

He had a roomate who asked me out. The roomate said that he was saying something to him about how he was friends with me forever, and when the roomate said, "Do you not want me to ask her out, or what?" that he said, "okay okay take her out".

Why do you think he was hiding anything? It sounds like the situation was comfortable for him so he felt why not? But he obviously didn't want a relationship or you would have known.

 

Isnt the important thing here just knowing he didn't want a relationship, and not really the reason why? What if he told you and it was hurtful like "i dont find you attractive in that way" or "i dont find you g/f material"?

 

Out of all the possible answers I can't really think of one that wouldn't be hurtful so it's best to not push for it. There are some questions better left unasked or probed. This would be one of those.

Its weird, b/c I guess I thought he DID like me: like a gut feeling. Even despite all of that. I don't know why I insist on a reason: because to me, there is one: like that his mom wouldn't like me or something along the lines of that. curiosity has always been my biggest vice.

curiosity kills that cat, though...

and when the roomate said, "Do you not want me to ask her out, or what?" that he said, "okay okay take her out".

That right there was your biggest clue. If he really liked you that way he would have really been upset about the friend asking you out and asked him not to. I would have taken that as all the sign i needed.

And a reason being his mom may not like you is very unlikely. When a man likes a girl he will jump mountains to be with her, and yes, even go against dear old mom. IF by chance mom was the reason and it was something like he didn't think you were the right looks or social class and embarrassed about it then that is a huge redflag on its own and he isn't worth your energy.

That right there was your biggest clue. If he really liked you that way he would have really been upset about the friend asking you out and asked him not to. I would have taken that as all the sign i needed.

 

And a reason being his mom may not like you is very unlikely. When a man likes a girl he will jump mountains to be with her, and yes, even go against dear old mom. IF by chance mom was the reason and it was something like he didn't think you were the right looks or social class and embarrassed about it then that is a huge redflag on its own and he isn't worth your energy.

I guess I'll never know. It hurts though.

I doubt it was social class or looks b/c he told me he thought I was attractive and we were essentially of the same class, I think, and it wouldn't matter - he's dated poor girls before, ya know?

It would be horrendous if it was one of those, wouldn't it?

When I was with the friend, he was making a big stink. And he got really jealous, but essentially you're right.

Well most people past the age of 16 have been hurt in the name of love and it is actually almost necessary to go thru pain to grow.

But i honestly think if you don't move on past this that you are going to really emotionally cripple yourself and never find a way to move on to another person. Don't you feel you have spent way too much energy and emotion on this guy already?

I mean, you make a lot of sense. But hope doesn't take into account the thought that I've wasted emotion/time on him. If the hope died, it would.