Destination bachelor parties

So I have something that has really been bothering me for about a year now. I just need some feedback from the insightful people here on how to deal with it. I know it's been a while now, but it's really got me down.

About a year ago, my bf attended two out of town, weekend away bachelor parties. He claimed there were no strippers involved. I know in one of the places if they had one, she would have to come to them at their hotel because there weren't strip clubs in that particular town. I've been asking a lot of people about this, and 100% say that men drinking + stripper in hotel room = bad deal.

I don't know that anything happened, but my gut feeling is he lied to me about this. I haven't pushed the subject any further because he does get defensive and thinks I'm accusing him of being a pervert or something. It's not that, it's just that in a certain situation, a guy is going to be tempted and might do something out of character, or something he would ordinarily not go out of his way to do. It doesn't mean he's a creep.

Anyway, I don't think I will ever get the truth. I guess I'd like some feedback on what are the chances he's telling the truth and they didn't have strippers at their hotel? There would have been 6 to 8 guys total at each scene.

Can I ask first what your views on strippers are overall? If he knows you are against them entirely, he may be more reluctant to tell you...

Honestly, you just have to trust him - do you?

Even if there was one at the hotel and he is lying (fear maybe...) that does not mean he did anything - if he is trustworthy anyway. Not all strippers do "extra" - but some do. All you can do is trust your boyfriend.

Not every bachelor party involves strippers either. My boyfriend goes to some that do, some that don't. Most people we know are more into going for a weekend canoe/camping trip or something, rather than strippers. Though, some parties he has gone too have involved strip clubs. He hosted one for his best friend last year, they had not planned on going to the strip club but one of the other guys insisted, so they did. I came home from the stagette to see signed posters of "MS. TU JUICEY" or whatever her name was on my dining room table (they were back at our place playing poker)...and just laughed. I trust him. We know one anothers boundaries as have discussed them and respect them. And he is honest with me (someone can also say you never know...but I know.... ).

As an aside, I have been to a birthday party (not a close friend or anything, it was an ex of mine's acquaintance) where the guy's gf hired a stripper to come to the house/party. It was a bit weird. And she was kind of freaking out about it at times, so I wondered why she had hired her in first place - kinda figured she felt she needed to "seem cool" which was kind of sad...

a lot of strippers stick to the job. clothes off and no touching, end of show. the trashy ones for the extra money, different story. but any bachelor party i've been to, even in vegas, nothing crazy happened. usually the single guys hook up with women. i didn't

but i've gone to one where the guys were disrespectful and did things with the strippers. guys i didn't know though. i was just invited by a buddy that knew them. not my kind of people.

i guess the question is if you trust him? it sounds like you don't.

Well, I didn't let him know I had a big problem with strippers until some time after the second bachelor weekend. He seemed taken aback that something like that would bother me. I had been wanting to bring it up for quite some time and slipped it in by starting a discussion on dealbreakers. This was about as far as we got with each other's boundaries, but it wasn't a lot. Neither one of us is the best communicator. I get the feeling I'm the one who really wants to bring things up, and he thinks it's either not necessary or he'd rather avoid them.

Before that he had an idea it would bother me because I had dealt with those kinds of issues with my ex. He at least knew it was a sore spot.

Another time the whole stripper thing came up, he insisted that seeing a beautiful naked woman would be for him the same as looking at a piece of art. I told him a piece of art wouldn't bother me, but I do have a problem with live nude girls. The piece of art does not move erotically with the purpose of arousing you. The piece of art can't approach you, talk to you and offer you a lap dance. I can actually deal with porn, but the live nude girls are way beyond my comfort level, especially if they come to a hotel room after the guys have gotten liquored up. I think when I told him this he kind of got it, but I'm not absolutely sure I really got through to him about just how much it bothers me.

Do I trust him? I have to admit for the most part I do, but part of me is having a hard time with this specific issue. I don't think he's cheated on me or even come close to cheating.

Well to be fair to him, I don't think you can blame him if he DID see strippers for not knowing you had those boundaries as you only told him after. It may also be why he resists talking about it.

My guess is though, whether he saw them at one of these parties or not, is that he HAS seen them at some point in his life as I think most do at least once, as well as by his comments.

I am not one to tell others where there boundaries are but I will say that a trustworthy & faithful man could be set amongst 100 naked women and you could both a) trust him and b) he would be respectful of you even if he looked at them

I guess I have some anxieties because for one, I'm not always sure he finds me that attractive. It's like he's never eager to have sex, or gets in those moods where he has to have sex. I feel like I don't turn him on that much. He doesn't give compliments so I don't get verbal affirmation of any sort. I have to ask him if he thinks I look good. His response: "I don't date ugly women." His attraction does show when he actually looks at me, and the thought of him looking at someone else that way, and maybe getting way more turned on than he does by me, is pure torture.

Another thing that gets to me is he shows some signs of a wandering eye. Not major, over the top things, but on a few occasions I can tell he's noticed someone, and he doesn't glance just a few times (which I could tolerate), but he has his eye on her. Like keeps looking over, watches what she does, etc. Stuff like that is hurtful enough. I think that's why maybe I'm afraid he'd lose control at a hotel room bachelor party, if he can't take his eyes off some clothed woman at a restaurant.

I can understand he might be reluctant to tell me what really went on, but I also wonder if he had nothing to hide, wouldn't he come back with stories about what the other guys did and how disgusted or put off he was? Or laugh at how stupid they acted?

Ahh, the million dollar question: do you declare your dislike or not.

I know all about this, as someone who has lived with a deep rooted hatred of strippers for about 22 years, and I have to say I don’t know the answer yet. The simple fact is, once you tell your partner that something is a dealbreaker, there is always going to be a high chance that if it ever happens, they will choose not to tell you. Its human nature. Once they know the relationship is over if they tell you, the temptation is to keep one’s mouth shut. The flip-side to that is if you don’t tell them where you stand, and it happens, how can you kick up a fuss if they didn’t even know your feelings on the subject? It’s a tricky one.

My opinion based purely on what you’ve posted, is that there probably was a stripper at both bachelor parties he went to. I came to the conclusion a while ago that bachelor and bachelorette parties that don’t feature a stripper are now firmly in the minority. I have no stats to back this up, and it may well be that there are plenty such parties where people just go for a meal and a drink and don’t have any strippers, but if I had to guess I would say that more than 50% of such gatherings in the western world feature strippers. It’s so entrenched in society now, and has become such a bog-standard tradition. To put it another way, there’s a heck of a lot of people out there who don’t think a bachelor or bachelorette party is complete without a stripper. They would go home disappointed if there wasn’t one.

"put it another way, there’s a heck of a lot of people out there who don’t think a bachelor or bachelorette party is complete without a stripper. They would go home disappointed if there wasn’t one."

Papillion,

That's the whole mentality about it that really bothers me. The whole thing is justified with "it's their last night of freedom." But didn't they voluntarily give up that freedom when they agreed to be exclusive with someone? And what kind of freedom are we talking about? Freedom to mess around with the opposite sex??? Freedom to have beautiful naked people tantalize you until you simply break down and molest them? If people really still feel that need, should they be in a committed relationship to begin with?

Personally I think it's a messed up way to celebrate one's upcoming marriage. It's about the cruellest thing you can do to your bride or groom-to-be. If it's completely OK with both, then so be it; neither stands to get hurt. But if it's something that bothers one or both people, is it worth starting your marriage with that resentment in the background? Because for some women, and possibly men too, it just doesn't go away.

I've been asking co-workers and friends and have heard utter horror stories. One woman saw video footage of a friend's fiance having sex with the stripper at his bachelor party. And her friend had been told ahead of time that strippers wouldn't be involved, since she had requested that there not be. Needless to say she called off the wedding. It's usually in the private settings like a hotel room or someone's home where this stuff happens, and the strippers who do private shows sometimes are escorts as well.

I just feel like I should revisit the conversation and explain all the reasons it bothers me so much. My impression the first time was that he thought I should be OK with it, and there is no reason to feel threatened. He thought it was ridiculous for me to feel threatened. I'm kind of wondering why he would assume I'd be OK with it. I asked him, would it be better if I were a stripper? He tells me he likes me the way I am, that I'm "real" and he'd rather have that. I'm not sure - is it my warped mind or is this a backhanded compliment? This is another reason it bothers me - because I'm "real" and not what he considers a fantasy. I want to be both to him.

What happens at the chick bachelor parties?

I hear bachelorette parties can get even worse than bachelor parties. I've actually never been to one - only bridal showers. About ten years ago at a past job, a co-worker had attended a bachelorette party with some other women from the company. She had taken pictures and then emailed them to almost everyone who worked there. It looked like the women were going crazy over the stripper, who was wearing some type of pink speedo thing.

Yeah I agree.. I don't think having a stripper or escort at a hotel on the man's "last night of freedom" is right at all! What a good way to start off a marriage, having sex with a * * * * * . The relationship is already a commited one, so instead of staying faithful they cheat. Whats up with that?

I wouldn't be too happy if my fiance had an escort at his bachelor party. Going to watch some strippers at a bar is one thing, but actually having a hotel with a * * * * * is asking for trouble. I will never understand that crap.

As for your man, if I were you I would try not to dwell on it too much. It comes down to you trusting him or not. It sounds like you don't really have anything to worry about though. Thinking about it will just drive you nuts.

i don't understand why women get so bent out of shape over strippers at a bachelor party. most of the time it is just a bunch of men who are drinking themselves stupid and doing a bunch of male bonding... more interested in hooting and hollering and being with their buddies than the stripper herself.

and i don't think most strippers are hookers either. if men are going to be with hookers, they are going to do it anytime, anywhere they want, bachelor party or no.

so i think you really should think more about who your boyfriend is as a person rather than the context he is in. if he's trustworthy and a good guy, a million strippers could shimmey around in front of him and he wouldn't cheat. if he's a really weak or bad guy, he could be chasing your own sister around the couch when you're not around.

it's not about the context, it's about the person...

"put it another way, there’s a heck of a lot of people out there who don’t think a bachelor or bachelorette party is complete without a stripper. They would go home disappointed if there wasn’t one."

 

Papillion,

 

That's the whole mentality about it that really bothers me. The whole thing is justified with "it's their last night of freedom." But didn't they voluntarily give up that freedom when they agreed to be exclusive with someone? And what kind of freedom are we talking about? Freedom to mess around with the opposite sex??? Freedom to have beautiful naked people tantalize you until you simply break down and molest them? If people really still feel that need, should they be in a committed relationship to begin with?

I agree with you 100%. To celebrate your love for someone by going and taking part in that, is in my opinion completely sick. Absolutely warped. Single people – fair enough, although I still think its absolutely skanky. But people who are just about to get married? Its something I will never be able to understand. I honestly don’t get it.

Personally I think it's a messed up way to celebrate one's upcoming marriage. It's about the cruellest thing you can do to your bride or groom-to-be. If it's completely OK with both, then so be it; neither stands to get hurt. But if it's something that bothers one or both people, is it worth starting your marriage with that resentment in the background? Because for some women, and possibly men too, it just doesn't go away.

Again, I agree. For me, that would be the cruellest thing any woman could do to me. I would never, ever forgive her. That’s why it’s a dealbreaker for me. Probably my one and only real true dealbreaker. Cos I just know if my woman ever stood and watched a male stripper, laughing and clapping and screaming and taking photos and copping a grope etc, I would be so disgusted by it, so horrified, that I would never be able to recover my feelings for her. Never again would I be able to laugh with her, make love with her, share a meal with her. It would completely and utterly repulse me.

I just feel like I should revisit the conversation and explain all the reasons it bothers me so much. My impression the first time was that he thought I should be OK with it, and there is no reason to feel threatened. He thought it was ridiculous for me to feel threatened. I'm kind of wondering why he would assume I'd be OK with it. I asked him, would it be better if I were a stripper? He tells me he likes me the way I am, that I'm "real" and he'd rather have that. I'm not sure - is it my warped mind or is this a backhanded compliment? This is another reason it bothers me - because I'm "real" and not what he considers a fantasy. I want to be both to him.

Hon, you sound just like me. I absolutely 100% know what and how and why you think the way you do. And your b/f sounds like my ex g/f. Take it from me, they genuinely don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, and they will NOT tell you if it happens. It’s now down to whether you can live with it, and how strongly you feel about it. For me, this issue was probably 75% to blame for the failure of my last relationship. She just didn’t give me any comfort on the subject, and I didn’t trust her on it. In the end she finally admitted that if it ever happened when she was out with her friends she would not tell me about it, for fear of how I would react. That was when I knew I had to get out.

I hear bachelorette parties can get even worse than bachelor parties. I've actually never been to one - only bridal showers. About ten years ago at a past job, a co-worker had attended a bachelorette party with some other women from the company. She had taken pictures and then emailed them to almost everyone who worked there. It looked like the women were going crazy over the stripper, who was wearing some type of pink speedo thing.

Believe me, bachelorette parties are a thousand times worse than bachelor parties. Its absolutely mind boggling what otherwise normal decent and respectable women do when their men aren’t there, they’ve had a few drinks, and a stripper comes out. It really truly saddens me. I think it’s awful. They behave like animals. I find it so degrading I could bloody weep.

Papillion,

Wow, I never thought in a million years I'd find a man who understands exactly where I'm coming from. It seems that many try to defend or even justify the kind of behavior I'm worried about. Sorry you had to go through that with your ex-girlfriend. So how were you able to have the conversation where she finally admitted she might do something and not tell you about it? How did you bring it up? Did you have to keep pressing her on it? Your case is pretty ironic considering it's usually women who face this issue.

That is scary, the thought that they don't want to tell you because of how you might react. That suggests to me that they might well misbehave if they don't want to be open about it. Now if I went to a bachelorette party and a stripper showed up, I would feel uncomfortable. Furthermore, I'd be completely open with my bf about his presense. I would probably wind up leaving the vicinity until the guy was gone. I would not stick around and watch and see if I could get turned on, and if so, go ahead and feel the guy up. The thought of doing that is repulsive, and I would feel like I was cheating.

I don't think people should get a free pass on misbehaving at these types of parties. Just because they were drunk and turned on. And I agree Papillion, even if they're single it's still skanky. At least they aren't hurting anyone but potentially themselves with an STD. It's still cheating if you got a bj, a lapdance, or sucked on the strippers t*ts (or d*ck in the case of a bachelorette party). It's hard enough to take the thought of him watching and getting turned on.

Now I know that not all private strippers will offer the extra services, but definitely some do.

Flam Flam Man, during one conversation my boyfriend admitted he was at a bachelor party where a "stripper was brought in". He didn't specify whose bp or when it was. As an afterthought some time later, I realized it was probably one of the two I was worried about. I met the friend who it was for and could plainly see the guy is a real horn dog.

I told my bf that the private ones concern me because when they are "brought in," more than just watching can easily happen. He kind of cringed and admitted "yeah, I can see where more could happen." The conversation kind of ended there, and I didn't press for more details or whose bachelor party this was. I suspect he was talking about the second one for the horn dog. I can't imagine he and his friends wouldn't get a stripper for this particular guy.