Jealous of boyfriend's past

I have a problem: I’m extremely jealous of my boyfriend’s past relationships. He and I started dating in March 2006, the end of our senior years in college. We clicked right away and knew each other was “the one”. We made a huge mistake at the beginning of the relationship, however, by talking very candidly about our exes, and I cannot seem to get over his past.

It’s not that my boyfriend was promiscuous by any means. He has only slept with three girls before me (we were both 22 when we met), and they were always when he was in a relationship. (However, they sometimes had “ex sex”.) He was not with the girls for more than 3-5 months.

I have only slept with one person before him. My ex and I officially dated for about 15 months (although, we were a big part of each other’s lives for about two years). We were very serious (we even traveled Europe together), although I knew he wasn’t “the one”.

Still, I can’t seem to get over the fact that my current boyfriend has “been” with more people than me and that he brought all of these girls home to spend time with his family. Being the obsessive person that I am, I basically pieced together my boyfriend’s whole romantic past with these girls. I also looked them up on Facebook and MySpace (and still continue to do this). I know tons of information about them.

My boyfriend loves me to death. He says I am everything he has ever looked for in a girl. He said he always wanted a relationship like his parents, but never found it with the girls he dated. He said they basically all turned out to be either crazy or a * * * * * or both. He doesn’t want to date them anymore and they don’t want him anymore either.

I sometimes check his internet history and have found that he has checked their Facebook profiles a few times (maybe like two times a year). Is this normal? He says he sometimes just wants to see what they’re up to. Is this reasonable?

I trust my boyfriend 100 percent and feel very happy with him, but I still fill haunted by the fact that he was with these people. My ex boyfriend and I were each others “first,” so we never had to deal with this issue.

I constantly get images in my head of my boyfriend with these other girls. How do I get this to stop? I know it is a good thing our pasts happened the way they did because it brought us together, but I still can’t get rid of the sick feeling that he was attracted to and involved with someone else. I am very secure with myself otherwise. Any advice would be very helpful. Thanks!!

Well, you were clearly attracted to someone else as well. Everything he did with these other women, you did with your ex-boyfriend...just because he had three and you only had one doesn't matter...you still had sex with someone other than your current boyfriend...so why get jealous that he had sex before meeting you? Why are you checking up on him? The past is the past. Just because he checks their facebook a couple of times a year doesn't mean anything...he is just curious as to what they are doing in their life...that doesn't mean he is interested in them romantically anymore. If your boyfriend is in love with you then he is not at all thinking about his previous sex life..as I would assume you are not thinking about the wild sex YOU had with YOUR EX and the in love feelings YOU once had with YOUR EX. You have a past as well so to be jealous of his past is counterproductive.

I think the older we get the less likely it is that we are going to find someone who has NO past before us, and honestly, I would prefer my partner has SOME relationship experience before me, so he has had a chance to learn and grow from it.

The bottom line is that those relationships didn't work out for a reason, and he is with you now, and that is a choice he makes every day that he is with you.

If I were you I would spend less time focusing on his past and more time focusing on the present- and YOUR relationship with him now.

I think half the problem, to be honest, is you still are holding on to an idea that many people have of "The One".

Without the pressure of someone having to fit into some idea of being THE only person out there who can meet all our needs so well, be compatible with us, love us and us love them, treat us well....without that idea of the "one" things get a whole lot easier.

You are together NOW. The reality is neither of you knows what the future holds, and you can only work from what you feel and know now.

He wants to be with you NOW. You want to be with him NOW. And you are happy, correct?

Just stay in the moment. Neither trying to predict the future, nor project from the past.

good luck.

I am so glad I read this post because now I know there is someone else out there like me!! I get the same feelings as you; I sometimes check my boyfriend's facebook and last time I saw that he had been looking at a lot of girls pictures on there from his past. I got super jealous/anxious but its not like I can talk to him about it because I felt horrible for checking his facebook. I still get jealous over his past relationships and many times feel like I am inferior to them (I know this is not true since we have been together 3 years and his past relationships all lasted less than 1 year). I don't know why I need this much reassurance with him; I have really never been this jealous/anxious before. TO make things worse, his best friend is a female and her and I don't get along. They spend almost every day together in college, and as soon as I came along, she hated me and began saying very hurtful things to my friends (we had sort of the same friend circle). I always thought she liked him more than friends and was jealous that she now spent less time with him. Maybe its just me, but sometimes I think guys/girls can't really just be friends.. usually one of them has some sort of feelings for the other, at least initially. I know she did because she used to tell me how hot she thought he was when they first met, etc. I check facebook every day to see if he talked to her, etc, and it has become sort of an obsession (I check it every morning). I know this is not healthy and I don't know how to get out of these feelings. I don't want them, but I can't help the anxious feeling that arises every time she gets brought up or I think about them. If anyone has advice for me that would be great too!

Uptown girl.. I know exactly how you feel... I get images like that in my head sometimes too. I HATE IT, I try not to let it happen.. but for some reason it keeps happening. Sometimes, I get really mad about it. Mad at her.. and I know they're silly, stupid and worthless thoughts, yet they continue from time to time.

I often wonder if I like to torture myself like that... why else would those random thoughts pop up like that?

I used to look at her Myspace page all the time.. I felt pretty guilty about it. SO I stopped... now I look every once in a while.

I know I am pretty insecure about our relationship. I hate it when she meets some new guy, and seems enthralled by him. Laughing at his jokes, while she barely notices mine.

One thing I feel I have learned is, that jealousy isn't going to help your relationship one bit.. you can't control someone and hope the relationship will continue unharmed. You can't watch every move they make. You will drive yourself insane.

I have been with my GF for a little over two years now, some things have happened to cause me to doubt our relationship. (She's lied to me about going to meet a male friend I felt she had a crush on for one.)

I have thought that I would be better off alone, or at least not in a relationship. Sometimes I really wonder if I would be happier on my own. I know when there's no jealousy to contend with I am a happier person. And I know most of the fault in the jealousy lies with me and my past.

I know it's a self-esteem issue... Even knowing that it's so hard to let it go....

First post!

I'm in the same boat. I have a question that has yet to get answered though- what the hell do I (we) do about it!?

What does one do when a thought about your partner and his first love/ ex whatever pops into your head?

And yes you're all right about the "he's with you now..." "the past is the past" "you have a history too" yes, I know... so now refer to questions above!

Hi there

I just moved in with my bf after having a long-distance relationship with him the past 8 months. And we had built up a trust in that relationship, but now, at home I find myself trying to pry into all his old stuff anfd find out everything. Even though I don´t really want to know. And of course I find little stuff, as anyone would if they had the same CSI thoroughness going thru my stuff. So, this tells me that I have to work with Myself! And that is what bf tells me as well, I found some old photos on his computer, and he just said that they were old, he hadn´t deleted them because he didn´t even remember they were there, and if I go looking I will find something sooner or later. And it is true, and I know he is speaking the thruth as well. Working with me is hard, but I just have to pull myself together and realise that I am the one hurting myself and not him.

But it is hard, but I also know that if the relationship is working as it is supposed to, it will be alright. Because I have been insanely jealous in earlier relationships and then my last bf was a really nice guy (even though it didn´t work out) and my jealosy almost disappeared during our time together. So it can take some time, sometimes years to conquer it, but it can be done.

But communication is key, talk to him/her or a good friend who can straighten you/us out. Because sometimes, jealousy is really stupid. I know, for a fact, that it can be so. And hopefully, we will find a partner who will be strong enough to help us through it as well.

Peace

I sometimes check his internet history and have found that he has checked their Facebook profiles a few times (maybe like two times a year). Is this normal? He says he sometimes just wants to see what they’re up to. Is this reasonable?

I don't know what to tell you about dealing with your issue, but to answer your question in the paragraph I quoted: yes, I think it's reasonable. If I remained on good terms with an ex, I'll occasionally want to check whether they're doing well and what they're up to. Not too often, but a few times a year shouldn't be a big deal IMO. It doesn't mean I want anything more to do with them, it's simply like checking up on an old friend, the kind you no longer hang out with but you still occasionally want to know how he's doing, just for old times' sake.

AH. I feel the EXACT same way. I really don't know what to do about it either. I mean, personally people saying that the past is the past and things like that does NOT help whatsoever. I guess if you figure it out let me know! Its tearing me apart...

I know exactly how you feel. I guess to me it is comforting to know that I am not crazy for thinking this way. I cannot read anymore people saying that I should just get over it and the past is the past because in reality, for some people (like me), that just doesn't help at all. I hope that you can find an answer to this and if you do, PLEASE let me know.

I know how you feel, and I won't tell you that "the past is the past" and all that garbage. What I will tell you is that there isn't an "answer" that's going to alleviate your fears and misgivings.

The reason you're looking for that answer is because you're insecure, and as humans, we seek explanations to relieve our insecurities. As soon as we understand, we can explain away the fear and pack it nicely in it's well defined and easily identifiable bucket. That way, we can see it in the future and avoid being hurt. It's all very rational and irrational at the same time.

So, there is no "answer." What you do have is time, and plenty of it. So my advice to you is this: get a little bit better each day. How do you do this? Try to get in a good rhythm in your relationship - communicate, express your feelings and fears. Avoid situations that will exacerbate your fears for a while. Ask your partner to help. He will. Once you get a toehold, you'll get some momentum. And while it may never go away completely, it will fade.

Wow, I haven't checked this board for several months...I'm so glad to see more people have responded!

I was doing really well with not thinking about his past, but then had a "relapse" a week ago. Long story short, I did some snooping and found that an ex had contacted him. She just said she hoped that he was doing well and there was no bad blood between them (they had an abrupt falling out three years ago and haven't talked since). I was soooo mad that he didn't tell me that she contacted him, but he said he was scared how I would react. He said he wanted to tell me, but thought I would freak out (which I would have). He said we would have been engaged or even married by now, but my obsessive jealousy keeps putting a strain on our relationship.

It was a wake up call hearing this. Because of my obsessive jealousy about the past, I am hindering my present relationship. Still, I can't seem to stop thinking about it!

It was really great what holdfasthope said: "So my advice to you is this: get a little bit better each day." I am going to try and do just that. This week, when a jealous thought pops in my head, I've been trying to think about a positive thing about myself, like a compliment that a co-worker gave me, etc. We'll see if it helps...

Oh - another question for the group...I'm wondering if you would consider my boyfriend "promiscious" before we met. I know it's different for every person, but just in general. The reason I ask is because I've checked some statistics for average number of sexual partners and was really surpised. I found one survey that said like 80% of college seniors have had only one sexual partner. That seems super low. He has three partners when we met (we were 22). They were girls he was dating...no flings or one-night stands. I didn't think it was bad, but these stats freak me out, like he was promicious. I blossomed sexually a bit later than most (I think that's why I only had one previous partner), so I think that's what throws me off.

Long story short, I did some snooping and found that an ex had contacted him. She just said she hoped that he was doing well and there was no bad blood between them (they had an abrupt falling out three years ago and haven't talked since). I was soooo mad that he didn't tell me that she contacted him, but he said he was scared how I would react. He said he wanted to tell me, but thought I would freak out (which I would have).

You need to understand this is not reasonable, or fair for your boyfriend. She contacted him, and you can tell from the message that there is nothing going on between them. You have no right to be mad, let alone freak out, over this. And if you're like this I can understand him not wanting to tell you about it.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound promiscuous either.

Don't ruin the relationship by being overly jealous over nothing.

Congratulations, Uptown Girl, by acknowledging that there is something limiting your relationship, you've done 90% of the work here! That is truly the hardest part. It's ok to have relapses, so be kind to yourself. As long as your momentum is still carrying you in the right direction, you're doing well. There will be good days and bad days!

Now, about your boyfriend's past partners. I am not one of those people that says number of partners does not matter. Simply put, it does to some people as a matter of preference and that is ok! It matters to me, that's for sure. I was really upset when I found out that my girlfriend had been with more people than me. Part of that was because we live in a society where it's ok for men to sleep with a lot of people, but not ok for women.

The important part is that it wasn't drastically different. She'd been with 7, me, 5 (she's 27, I'm 29 - pretty low numbers for our age). See, if the numbers are drastically different, then it might indicate to me that we have different values and may not be the best match - and I MAY BE WRONG. Some people change.

Some people have a weird young adulthood and make bad decisions, and some don't regret them at all. Some sleep around, others drag race their car or get tattoos....there's a thousand different ways to act out.

The question you have to ask yourself is this - Does my boyfriend have different values than me, AND, if he does, does it impact our relationship negatively?

And when those nights get long, and you start having those feelings, ask yourself this: Do I lay in bed an fantasize about former lovers? If your answer is no, then what makes you think he does?!

At the end of the day, Uptown Girl, give yourself a little credit. Have some confidence in what you bring to the table in a relationship and remind yourself that you give him things that LITERALLY nobody else on earth, past, present, or future, could give him.

3 at 22? To me and many people I know that's VERY low. I had 3 at 22 and I don't consider myself promiscous at all! You also say they've been girls he's dating even better! He's not just sleeping around! You've only have one before him, so lets say you had dated 2 more guys before you met him- I'll bet you would have had 3 partners at 22 if you never met him. IMO 3 is NOTHING to worry about especially since they were dating.

My partner had 13 at age 30... so I have my worrying to do...

I say the process of elimination is the way I see it. Me personally I hate to say this, but I have had countless bf, sexual partners, and one night stands and so has my bf....we are in our early 40's....guess my hormones were running wild, I was married several times had, 4 children in which 2 are from one of my ex husbands, his brother, and one of my ex bf. I have nothing to hide....it is what it is...so what...yes I was promiscuous....didn't do drugs, but drank and partied as often as I could. Oh yea and my threesome....I was sowing my wild oats. My mother and grandmother were also promiscuous.

My ex never had a long term relationship, never married or had any kids, but he dated countless women...he would date them, they would party and mess around then 2 weeks or so later he was off on something else....even our roommate agreed on that one...he would get rid of chicks the second they started complaining, or acting out...he would always find something wrong with them, they were dumb, smelled funny, crazy behaviour, married, but didn't tell him, so many different reasons.

But as I became older sleeping around wasn't that important to me.....I stopped going to clubs....don't party or drink anymore....actually I have been without sex several times for a couple years and even now I haven't done anything for more months than I can count....Do I want sex..............h*ll yaaaaaaaa, but I am smarter now than before...I am holding out until the time is right.....guess when I was younger I mistook sex for love and nothing is further from the truth...guys wanted me because I was pretty with a hot body....had nothing to with love whatsoever...After time I began to realize this....I didn't have self-esteem issues I was just a horny girl....and started like that since I just turned 14, but, because I was the only girl in a family of guys...I was watched very close by my family, so I never had sex in high school, but that didn't stop the guys from coming from all around to knock on my door all hours of the day or night....and I lived on a ranch 10 miles from town in the desert.

So do I worry about my bf past nooooooooooo haahaha wayyyyyyyyyyyyy does he worry about mine...............noooooooooooooo hahahaha wayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

What you think two 40 something year olds are virgins...lmao

I do have a thought if some of you are worried about your ex being with someone before you and that is....think of it this way...........everytime you meet someone new and go to bed with each other both of you are virgins...because you never been with that person before and they never been with you...so that makes you virgins to each other.

I can guarantee you that for all the guys I slept with none of them done anything the same...from the smell, their actions, or anything...so every guy that boinked me none of them were even remotely the same.

Honestly worrying about your bf's past gf is pointless if it was meant to be they wouldn't be with you...and if they are not cheating on you then what is the problem?

Live in the here and now...what is done is done.

As I said before in some other post if me and my bf were to analyze each others past then both of us would have to overdose on aspirin.

I agree with CAD and while an SO checking out an ex on the internet can be painful it isn't all that uncommon. It is usually curiosity driven and not a desire to get back wtih them.

Try not to check up on him and remember YOU also had sex and a past with someone else. it's normal. your thought process is destructive and unproductive and you do have the power to control your thoughts. Right now your thoughts are controlling you vs the other way around.

I think your boyfriend was right. Sorry> What he said that I bolded above is very true. Yeah he probably was bored. Guys can look at attractive women without cheating on their girlfriends.

Guys who have the internet are usually oging to get curious. If viewing profiles is the worst a guy is going to do i think i'd just forget about it. The way you reacted to it, IMHO, was very immature by saying you were going to view blonde haired blue eyed guys on facebook and flirt with them. First off, you don't know he flirted with the girls in these profiles. So saying you were going to flirt with guys was not really even playing ground anyway and instead of doing this why not say how you feel instead? Be more of a grown up about it.

You said you didn't like his game playing but you played games too.

I'll bet there would be times that if he viewed your internet history there might be things you wrote or viewed that might look incriminating that you yourself know was innocent.

Thank you everyone for your helpful advice and support. I really appreciate it.

I have been trying to deal with the same problem for 6-8 months now, this was so great to find! My situation is basically the same, except for my current boyfriend is a divorcee, whereas I have had long term relationships, but they were never even in the same city as me! Their marriage didn't last long (2.5 years - he is 29). Basically, in my opinion, I entered into the relationship before he was really ready (10 months after their seperation, and he just was officially divorced 2 months ago) and, as I found a lot of her things still around the house (oh and a picture of her on the fridge!) Now I realize these were huge red flags (oh gotta love hindsight!). However, because of this initial insecurity, I get very upset when I find her things around the house, accidently get called her name by others (never by him -yet), get compared to her indirectly, etc. I also do the internet searching thing on his ex, and sadly there is a lot there which always makes me upset. He doesn't contact her (to my knowledge, although he did lie about one time she did call, which has also given me trust issues) He is an amazing man, and I want to understand 1) what I can do to limit these feelings, and 2) what is appropriate to feel...its hard for me to judge if Im just being jealous, or he is not being supportive/understanding enough (or even if he is capable of understanding this from my perspective). I want to get through this with him, I just don't know how.

That's why I like the 'no sex before marriage' way of life.

I haven't been in the same situation because no one I am close to has had sex, but I get jealous of even smaller things than sex, the fact that he has had more than one girlfriend before me.

Its so hard to stop the feelings, even if he apologizes and says 'your the one' its still there, it keeps coming back to you.

Very interesting read here. I seem to be in the same situation with thoughts regarding my girlfriend's past. We have been together for 1.5 years.

For the first 6 months or so, I was free from all such thoughts. Now I find myself thinking about her past almostly constantly. She's 20 and has been with 3 people before me, where as I am 21 and have been with 3 as well, including 2 serious relationships.

I wish I could comprehend why I feel insecure, or if I'm merely looking for an excuse to justify ending it. The problem is I really like her and consider her a very viable life-partner. The relationship is going very well. It is just annoying to think my subconscious can't handle it. I don't have any unreasonable expectations for a relationship at this age. I've always viewed myself as a relaxed individual which makes this much harder to comprehend.

It's at a stage where I'm beginning to think that it might be best for myself to end it, although I really don't want to.

I am in the exact same situation. I love my boyfriend so much and I know he loves me but I dont think he can take me anymore and I can not either. I have become so obsessed with his past. Everytime we go to do something, I need to know if he has done it before, I need to know with who. I was constantly checking his facebook to see if anything was new and also checking certains girlfriends of his I didnt like. I finally got rid of my facebook but that doesnt get rid of my problem. I love him so deeply and just want to get anythign concerning the past out of my head. In the beginning he lied to me about people he was with but eventually came clean. He is a good person and without a doubt I know it is myself in the wrong. I admit I have a serious problem, serious enough that he has many times tried to break up with me because of my intense jealousy. What I want to know is if anyone can give me any steps to moving forward. I love my boyfriend and I want this to work so bad... I am willing to do anything! let me know

j x