"Cats in the Cradle" - A decision.

I'm torn.

I got a phone call last night. From my Mom. She offered to come and get me to take me back to live with her tomorrow.. Which would be today. I told her no. But.. Up until about a month or two ago, I wanted to leave. I still want to leave, but I don't want to go. Does that make any sense? She lives with two guys I don't know and have never met, and I wouldn't have my own room, and probably no internet. I'm still not positive she's even clean (off drugs). She sounded clean, though.. She doesn't live with my step dad anymore, and he was the main reason I left. But still.. I'm finally making friends here. I've met all of my doctors and attend the Pregnancy Support Group frequently. My school is really good. It's a continuation, but I'm earning a lot of credits, I like my teachers, and I'm getting good grades. But..

I'm not really happy here. I get told I'm lazy and that I 'don't do * * * *'. When in fact, I'm the ONLY one in this house that does anything without throwing a fit and complaining about it. I do what I'm asked to do. All the time. While the rest of the people in this house (the other kids, I mean - though I'm not saying I'm a kid) throw a huge fit about even cleaning their rooms or picking up their own mess, and then don't even end up doing it at all. Why are they allowed to do that, while I am always being told I don't do anything? I'm also being told to 'Move somewhere else' or 'Find somewhere else to live' whenever someone gets mad at me. That's never said to their own kids. I'm never appreciated for any work I do around here (I'm not saying I do everything, but I do a hell of a lot more than the rest of them living here). I'm tired of it. Really tired.

My Mom is finally getting back on her feet, but it's too late. I'm almost 18 years old. Telling her no, was one of the hardest thing's I've ever had to do. She'd been so sure I'd say yes, because two months ago I wanted to leave. But I didn't say yes, and I let her down. She's lonely. There's no family where she's at. I'm the last she's got. I feel awful. I keep telling myself that it's the best thing for my baby and me, but is it the best decision? I get a lot of stress here, too. Would it really make any difference if I left? My cousin's husband would get his way. His son would finally have that precious room of mine that means so much to him. I'd be away from that alcoholic jerk of a man that the rest of them around here call 'daddy'. But I really don't know where I'd be, living with my Mom again.

It would be so much better if she could find a place and a job here in Woodland. That way I wouldn't have to leave my school (for a fourth time), and I would still be away from that man. It would just be the two of us, finally. But I don't know if she could really leave that place. Gustine, Santa Nella. It's all the same thing. Could she leave her friends to be with just me?

That's a question I still can't seem to answer.

Skay, thanks for sharing all of that. You're going through a lot right now and you sound really brave and mature. I'm impressed with how thoughtful you are! One thing to consider is where do you feel the safest and most stable. Even though you're not crazy about the man who is living in the house and the kids can be really immature, it sounds like you've found a little bit of calm and safety. That's *exactly* what you need right now. The new place may not be perfect and you may not be 'jump up and down' happy, but your instinct to tell your mom no may have been really good. Deep down maybe you know you're in a pretty safe place where you can grow. You're liking your school, you're getting good grades, you've met your doctors, and you have a good support group. As long as this man in your house isn't messing with you (he's not, right?), and you're safe, it sounds like you're in a better spot than you would be sleeping on the couch at your mom's place: She may not be clean (or if she is, it may not last), and there are two strange men living there. Ick. It's guaranteed to be a weird situation at best. I know you miss your mom and that you feel sad that she's lonely. But right now you've gotta do the right thing for you--it will help both of you in the long run. Giving up a good thing to help her out in the short term could make the long term worse for both of you, hon. Continue to encourage her to look for a job where you are, and let her know that you love her and miss her and would love to have her nearby if she is willing to leave her friends to be with her daughter. You're in school and pregnant. She's the mom--it's her responsibility to do right by you. I wish you all the best!!

keenan Thanks for that. Since yesterday I've been having a lot of doubts about things. Whether I should really stay here where I'm at, or go back with her. But it makes things a little more clear.

And I am okay whenever that man isn't acting like a complete jerk. But that's not very often. I usually just head to my room and lock the door when he's being an a-hole. But I'm hoping my Mom can get things together. Maybe she would come down here, it'd make things a lot easier for me. She asked me on the phone last night if I'd come stay with her if she had her own place. That sounds like a good idea, but I wasn't really sure if she meant down there, or here where I'm at.

Things can be really confusing.

Knowing what's best can be confusing a lot of the time. I think it's even harder for people who are really thoughtful, like you, because you can see so many shades of gray. You're trying to balance what is definitely right for you in some ways (longer-term stability) with other stuff that you would really like to have but aren't getting (being appreciated, the comfort that comes from being with your mom). Plus you're thinking about other people's motivations and feelings trying to do the right thing for everyone. You're doing an amazingly good job. Life is full of 'shades of gray' decisions like this, and being able to think about them the way you do will really serve you well. Over time it will get easier because you'll learn to trust your instincts. Hopefully the decisions won't always be about stuff that is so tough, like whether or not to be with your mom. Keep letting her know how you feel and how you're thinking about things, and trust yourself. She's lucky to have you, sweetie. Stay strong.