Questions about marriage

I have a question, when people get engaged is it proper for them to live together during the engagement or what?

It's 2006...absolutely!!! I live with my fiance and the only thing think I think lacking right now is my name with his last name behind it!

My grandparents don't really care for it...but hey...they're old and still thinking about the "old days". lol A lot of people live together before they're married...it'll give you a taste of that life before you put it on paper and in the eyes of the law and before you take his last name!

Michelle - In Minnesota, yes. If you and your fiance agree to live together that is.

People are free to do what they want to, whatever they feel comfortable with.

oh heavens, my great-great-grandmother would be shocked.

oh heavens, my great-great-grandmother would be shocked.

HAHAHA! Mine would me too! But I'm 23 y/o...I'll do what I darn well please! As long as my mom and dad don't hate me! lol

According to my boyfriend's parents and my parents, no, but we think it's a good idea, which is why we're going to get a place together when my lease expires in a couple months.

It all depends on what you're comfortable with.

Although neither of our sets of parents really like the idea, we took into consideration that both sets got married after short periods of dating and they were all in the age range of 20-21 when they got hitched! So they didn't have to deal with the practicalities of how things sometimes go today....at least that's how we see it.

Plus, if you're engaged, that sense of commitment is already there....

Personally I think it's no one else's business if you live together or not before marriage!

NO.

I don't think you should live together.

I know so many people that live together while engaged and never get married. In most cases unless they have a wedding date set it just slows up the process to marriage. When you live together that person gets a chance to see all of your idiosyncrasies. This may scare this person and cause them to push the engagement back or call it off! I have seen this in so many cases. A girl moves in with her fiancé then a year to three years later they still are not married or the wedding gets called off. You don't want to be forever a fiancé and never a bride. Just remember that engagements can be called off!

If you start acting too much like a wife before you are a wife, that may run him away. For example, bugging him about picking up his clothes or taking out the trash ect. I had two girl friends that got engaged and moved to ANOTHER country for their fiancés and they never married. I also have a friend that has been engaged for about two years now (living together) and she does not even want to marry him anymore (she is cheating on him with a loser). An engagement ring does not mean JACK! Don't win the battle...when you're trying to win the war!

I personally will not live with a man. I am not looking into playing house but I want a husband, and an engagement ring does not guarantee marriage. Hello, look at what happened to JLO!! Don't be one of those girls that have been "engaged for like three years and no wedding date in site" Men have a tendency to milk a woman for everything they are worth. Do what you want to do, but if you don't even have a wedding date set...I would say no.

You know what though, there's no better way to find out what you're getting into than living with someone. I thank God everyday that my ex and I lived together, otherwise I would have married him for sure. He put on a good act when we didn't live together.

Lonestar, I don't equate marriage with warfare.

I'd definitely live together first. If living together shows you aren't compatible, it beats doing the whole marriage thing and having to deal with a messy and time consuming divorce.

Living together protects you both from going into marriage without a critical eye on mundane things that can trip you up.

It's about the relationship, not the wedding.

While I would never live with someone without plans for marriage I would like to live together during the engagement. There are some things I can't deal with. Like wet bathroom floors. And there are some things my boyfriend can't deal with. Like towels being strewn wherever they may fall. I'd want to know that pet peeves could be delt with or even ignored. (They can be with the right person!) I couldn't live with let alone marry someone who constantly annoyed me.

Think of it this way: It's a test. And that's all relationships really are prior to marriage or some other life long commitment.

It's proper if both of you think it's proper.

While I would never live with someone without plans for marriage I would like to live together during the engagement. There are some things I can't deal with. Like wet bathroom floors. And there are some things my boyfriend can't deal with. Like towels being strewn wherever they may fall. I'd want to know that pet peeves could be delt with or even ignored. (They can be with the right person!) I couldn't live with let alone marry someone who constantly annoyed me.

 

Think of it this way: It's a test. And that's all relationships really are prior to marriage or some other life long commitment.

Wouldn't you want to know that *BEFORE* getting engaged?

It seems like getting engaged prior to detmermining compatibility is a bad idea.

Lonestar, I don't equate marriage with warfare.

"warfare" is a Biblical concept. When you are doing something that is wrong you are inviting spiritual warfare into your life. Spiritual warfare is basically evil schemes and plots by the enemy to bring destruction to your life. Read (Ephesians 6:10-19).This increases opportunities for things to go wrong in your life. We have to do the best we can to hinder spiritual warfare. That is the reason the Bible calls us to put up our armor of God to help us stay away from actions that may harm us in the long run. By living together, you may possibly be making a situation worse rather than better. So, my point is by living together without marriage you may be eroding a good relationship into a bad relationship. If you had not lived together that may not have happened.

I'd definitely live together first. If living together shows you aren't compatible, it beats doing the whole marriage thing and having to deal with a messy and time consuming divorce.

I guess that could be true for some people. But from my experiences people always have a way of showing you who they really are, even if you don't live with them. You can still find out that someone is a crumby person without having to live with them. Red flags always appear. No matter how they try to hide the truth, something always gives you an indicator of that person’s true character.

Living together protects you both from going into marriage without a critical eye on mundane things that can trip you up. It's about the relationship, not the wedding.

I disagree. You can tell if someone is slob overtime just by popping in. I really do not see what you can discover by living with someone that you can't discover when you’re not living together. My concern is about the health of the marriage not the wedding. You can date someone for one to two years without living with them.

It seems like getting engaged prior to detmermining compatibility is a bad idea.

HELLO! I feel exactly the same way you do!

Wouldn't you want to know that *BEFORE* getting engaged?

 

It seems like getting engaged prior to detmermining compatibility is a bad idea.

It was actually a joke that I doubt anyone could understand but me. Oops. My boyfriend and I don't live together yet but these are pet peeves we have about each other and well.. We ignore them.

But I do feel that there is a lot you can learn about someone from living with them, things you wouldn't really know unless you did.

Personally I wouldn't live with someone unless there was a future in store. (That's the whole determining compatibility *BEFORE* getting engaged part!) BUT I wouldn't want to get married without experiencing such an important aspect of the relationship first. For me that is how I am comfortable with a relationship progressing.

But I do feel that there is a lot you can learn about someone from living with them, things you wouldn't really know unless you did.

Like what?

Like what?

Hmm. Well, maybe I should further explain my point of view. I am a single parent. I have a little boy who is almost five. I would NEVER live with someone who I did not think would be in my life and my son's life for the long haul. I think it would be very cruel to my son to not be very careful about who I live with and the future of that relationship. But dating someone with a child is very VERY different than living with someone with a child. For that reason I would have to believe 100% that a marriage was going to happen but it is also why I wouldn't tie the knot before having a trial run. I would first have to see for myself what my son's home life was going to be like instead of only believing.

I've read stats that say that couples that live together before marriage are 50% more likely to divorce than those who don't. Actually, I read a few studies that put that number up to 80%. But, I don't believe on basing a relationship on stats, so I kinda take that with a grain of salt. But from my experience, of all the couples I've known that lived together before marriage, only one of those couples hasn't gotten divorced, and they've definitely had their problems. By contrast, no couple I know in real life that didn't live together first has gotten divorced.

I just don't think it's a good idea, and I know it's not necessary as preparation for marriage. If you both are good at compromising and communicating, living together will be a piece of cake, before or after marriage. You should definitely know that about each other before you make the commitment to move in together, though. You can't leave that kind of stuff to chance... figuring out if you're compatible should come before moving in together, not after. Remember though, legally, you're only roommates, nothing more.

Is it proper? That's up to you. Is it necessary? Absolutely not. Good idea? Probably not. But again, it's up to you.

I agree. When my ex moved in I was enchanted by him. Within a couple months I couldn't wait to get rid of him. He was the grosses person I ever met. He really wanted to get married too, WOW! dodged that bullet!!! He also put on a good show until we lived together.

Then when my husband moved in with is daughter with in a month he asked me to marry him, in April we bought and moved in to a larger place and on June 24th we were married.

I've been on both sides. My willingness to live with someone befor making a commitment saved me. OK, he put in debt, but it could of been so much worse had I married him!!!

I think the only thing that matters here is what you as a couple believe and want, personally. As long as you are on the same wavelength about what your purpose for living together is (ie if one of you wants to save on rent, and another sees it as a precursor to getting married...there will be conflict) and take care to protect yourselves financially and so forth, I see no problem with it. You are adults and can make your own choices!

I personally have no problem with it, maybe in great part due to the way I have been raised as well. My mother did not live with my dad before they got married, and were divorced, but my mother and stepfather CHOSE not to get married and have been living together now over 20 years and are much healthier together than many married couples I know!

I do live with my boyfriend, he is the first one I ever lived with despite other long term relationships as we both knew very early on this was something different for us both. We moved in quite early on, and now also recently moved into a house we bought. We do want to spend our lives together, though at this point are not formally planning marriage in the very near future due to the requirements I have for student loans when I go back to school. If we were married at this current time, I would not be eligible for what I need. This being said, we did not want these circumstances to also prevent us having the life together we wanted, aside from marriage! I truly believe marriage is a decision of the heart and mind, long before there are rings. If a man or woman truly wants to marry you, and you truly are right as a couple, living together before marriage or after will not change that. And yes, we will get married (though I know there are those whom will also be thinking....sure, she THINKS that ). No, I believe that, and he does too.

And for those couples that live together and DON'T get married as they realize incompatibilities and so forth, I don't think that is such a bad thing. Just because one gets married, then lives together, and does NOT get divorced, does not mean they are necessarily happy or healthy together. The reason they stay together over those whom may not of may be more due to their convictions or beliefs than a "better" relationship together. Sure, there are stats about how you are more likely to divorce if you live together, but I think people take those stats at face value and don't look at them much deeper. Many of these couples are ones that may not have married for right reasons (maybe due to pressure from one of them, or parents, etc as they lived together) in first place. It does not say whether they went on to remarry and have a long lasting marriage or not. It does not look at all marriages over the course of a lifetime. It does not say that perhaps those whom stayed married and did not live together had religious reasons "barring" divorce. It does not say judge the health of the relationships overall.

I just don't put much faith in the stats, or base my decision on them, since as it is my life, and my choices, me and my partner did what was right for US. And ultimately, that is what matters. I love living with him, it's a great thing. While living together did add an entire new dynamic to things, it did not change whom we are as people or a couple ultimately, and I am still very happy with that choice. Would I marry someone without living with them first? Most likely not. Then again, I would not live with someone I did not have full intention of planning to marry either.

We choose to be together everyday, are 100% supportive of one another and committed to being together through thick & thin, and not being legally married or not does not change that for us. I also live somewhere where common law status is protected and common law partners do have more rights and protection under the law.

RK,

As always, you've just written a gem of logic.

I couldn't agree more.

Hmm. Well, maybe I should further explain my point of view. I am a single parent. I have a little boy who is almost five. I would NEVER live with someone who I did not think would be in my life and my son's life for the long haul. I think it would be very cruel to my son to not be very careful about who I live with and the future of that relationship. But dating someone with a child is very VERY different than living with someone with a child. For that reason I would have to believe 100% that a marriage was going to happen but it is also why I wouldn't tie the knot before having a trial run. I would first have to see for myself what my son's home life was going to be like instead of only believing.

I do not have children. My only concern would be that if I had a kid I would be exposing them to various people that may harm them. Most children are abused by step parents and their parents live-in boyfriends. They will never have a strong feeling of what a step father should be. They will not obtain a solid vision of commitment and stability. They only thing they will see is it ok for mommy to have men coming in and out of our home because she is trying to test things out. This may give them the idea that it is ok to do this. Also, if you guys break up before marriage you are also breaking his heart b/c he may get too attached to someone that is not going to be around for the long haul. Plus, it does not set a good example for the child.

It is perfectly fine to live together during the engagement.

My boyfriend and I live together and we have only talked about marriage, we are not engaged. There is nothing wrong with living together.