Weight loss surgery and relationship problems

Greetings. I am a new user as of today and would be very, very gracious for any and all advice. I am a 36 yr old lesbian and have a 31 yr old partner of just over two years. Until 2 months ago our relationship has been wonderful - very loving and fulfulling. We both would say that we've never been happier and now something has changed. Here is a little background.... When we first met, we lived in different states for the first 6 months of our relationship. At 7 months, I moved to her city in her state and began a new happy life with my girl. At 1 year, my partner had gastric bypass surgery. She was 410 when I met her, in poor health, poor financial state.....but I fell in love anyhow....none of that mattered to me. She was beautiful then and she is beautiful now . Since her weight loss surgery she a lost about 175lbs. She is now "thank god" healthy, looks fabulous and able to lead a fuller life - which I thougth would be with me. Within the past 2 months she has started a new job in a career that she has always dreamed of and she is also back in theatre (she always loved to be on stage) - she is currently in a local play in our city.

So here is the problem.... Since starting the new job and being in the play....she is never home. She leaves for work in the morning and goes from work straight to the play for the evenings performance AND THEN out to the local bars with the people from the play to party. She rolls in to bed around 2am and then gets up for work to do it again. This happens Wednesday through Sunday. I asked her if this is going to continue after the play is done and she said that she feels that she has changed and needs to be more social (outside of our group of close friends) AND she enjoys flirting with other women BUT she says that she is still totally commited and in love with me and wants a life with me. She does invite me our with her other friends...but there so different from me. I am not a theatre person - I am just an average lesbian. Most of her new friends loud, self-centered obnoxious people. The same people that didn't except her when she was at 410. My partner and I have had an active social life - but with more down to earth people. I feel like she is changing into someone I don't know and I'm very sad and upset about this. I have totally established a life with this woman and I'm scared I'm losing it . I love her and she knows exactly how I feel - but nothing changes. Am I being too hard on her? Should I ride it out? Or am I being stupid?

Okay what I suggest is sitting down and talking with her. A friend of mine had this surgery 10 months ago. She said that her husband treats her better now, and she's a little put off by it. Meaning he'll take her out more, be more grabby, etc. She notices these little things but he thinks he's treating her the same way. Honestly she does look a lot better now.

It could be your girlfriend is feeling something similar. As far as being more outgoing that's just all part of the process. She's finally doing things she just couldn't before, you'll have to adjust to the new her but also make it known that you love her and would like to spend time with her too. Try not to accuse, but share your feelings in a way that makes her think about how her actions affect you. It works better than demands.

Trust me she knows those people weren't there for her before. She's more aware of it than you realize. My friend now notices how fat girls who were friendly with her before aren't now and thin girls who would turn their noses up at her now stop to chat. It's hurtful to her because she's the same person on the inside. I always liked her inside person, but I admit I was sometimes embarressed by her outside person.

Gee, that's terrible, people and their prejudices .

This is an interesting dilemma because it's kind of like when Satan went up to Jesus on the top of the hill and offered him "all of this", if only he would serve Satan... No, not really, but temptation is an ongoing theme and has been througout history.

Temptations arise for us all the time and those new hedonistic friends of hers are a form of temptation. Temptation from what she knows into a lifestyle that will lead her nowhere. Do you want to know what usually ends up happening to those people at the end of their lives? They are usually destitute, with no money and nowhere to go... That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but when people focus on the 'wild' side of life and tell themselves they are having a good time, they often forget what is important to them: a house, a home, real friends who love you for who you are and security.

I think that when people get tempted by certain things (in this case it's her friends), they can lose a certain part of themselves. I don't know how far into the BS she is going, but i have seen people forsake friendships and end up on the scrap heap due to hedonism.

I guess you can look at it from a different angle, that she has had weight problems, is feeling more confident and is feeling a little freer.

Regardless of how she is feeling, what would happen if you won a million dollars? Would you forget your friends? Would you change as a person? Many people who have these windfalls end up with their lives in tragedy. I only hope she realises what she has got and doesn't forget herself to be with these people.

Maybe just weather it out a little, but also challenge her with a few questions when you see the opportunity. For example, wait until she starts complaining about the hangovers. Don't nag her or else she will resent you. Perhaps try to develop your own interests and see how she responds. Above all, make sure you are there to tell her, "i told you so", if it all goes wrong. No, i'm only kidding. Just make sure you try make her see that that sort of lifestyle is not lasting or beneficial. The sad thing is that some people don't realise until it's too late. I hope this isn't your girlfriend.

Why don't you start going out with them a little more? I know you said you don't like those kind of people, but you never know, they may not be so bad. You'd be surprised what actually happens when you sit down to get to know a person. I think you should be a bit more flexible in your thinking. I don't like those kind of people either, but eventually she will get sick of them, so why not be there on the journey with her all the way to make sure she's okay? At least that way you can keep an eye on her

My partner walked out on me this past Sunday. She told me that she couldn't be in a commited relationship right now. After almost 2 1/2 years - she changed into someone else and walked out on me - all within one day. The pain is so deep I feel like I'm dying.

sadlesbian,

I am so sorry to hear about her leaving you. I'm sure you are feeling very sad and depressed. I wish that I could offer you some advice. I guess I can say that I understand what it feels like to be in love with someone and have them not reciprocate. I think that what your womyn is telling you is what is on her heart and it sounds like she really has changed into someone else.

Even though you haven't said anything about remaining friends with her, I think that you should go NO CONTACT for a while. Let yourself be sad and give yourself a timeline, but ultimately you will need to move on. Try getting involved and absorbing yourself in something that you always wanted to do. This will provide opportunities for you to make new friends and also provide a positive distraction from thinking about her all of the time.

Ballys

Hi Sadlesbian,

That's really sad and a shame she changed. With these things i think people realize when it's too late, when you've moved on and they have woken up and realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Just do what Ballys suggested and give yourself time to grieve. Developing some interests is also a good idea.

I am so sad. Today is my birthday and I'm alone. Saturday she is coming to take her things. How can she forget all of the times I was there for her through her weight loss surgury, sleep apnia when she was 410, helping her eldery father, her birthday celebrations. I moved to her city for her and renovated an entire house for us and she can just walk away.

Hmm, what can i say? Some people are just so fickle that when temptation comes their way, they are swayed. Just keep your chin up and develop some interests.

Good luck

LOL I posted a response to your thread yesterday, but it looks like it got deleted. I got a message from a moderator or rather a warning for my language. Oops!

I hope that you had a happy birthday. Did she at least end up calling you to wish you a Happy Birthday? If she didn't, that's totally shallow on her part and she's moved on and isn't thinking about you and your relationship and all of the times that you were there for her.

I hope that you were able to eat some ice cream and cake for your birthday and maybe spend some time with other friends?

It is going to take time. Allow yourself to feel the pain and grieve, but try to distract yourself.