boltnrun

As someone who was coerced into a marriage, I probably had some degree of resentment toward my husband, but ultimately I was and am responsible for making the decision to marry him instead of saying "stop" or "wait". However, the marriage was basically doomed from the start because it wasn't a case of two people in love who chose to get married but rather one who reluctantly went along with the other one's wishes. I feel bad because if I had stood my ground and said "wait", maybe things could have been different for the both of us. I am so grateful for my wonderful son while at the same time I feel guilt for putting the poor boy through a divorce. But it didn't make sense for the three of us to live in a miserable household. And it did get to be miserable. My point is, a marriage or engagement that's the result of one party giving in to the other has a very low chance of succeeding. Ideally he would come to you on his own saying he thought about it and realized he can't envision his future without you and he's planning to propose to you properly. But if he's digging in his heels and saying it's not what he really wants...

I'm sorry, but what??? I bet he wants you to use your money to buy a home somewhere HE chooses to live! Everything you say he talks about almost exclusively benefits him. Where are your wishes in this equation? Sure, having a baby is a wonderful thing but if you're not married? Are you OK with living together and procreating without being married? I doubt he's "afraid" to buy an engagement ring. He just doesn't want to and doesn't see a need to. I wouldn't be surprised if he agrees to be verbally "engaged" just to get you to move with him (and sell your house for the financial benefit) but wants to hold off on buying a ring. I'm sorry, but even though I felt coerced into getting married way before I wanted to, in no way was my husband (fiance at the time) making all the decisions like where to live, how we'd spend our money, etc. We decided all of that together. I don't know...this just doesn't sound equitable at all.

My current job has many challenging aspects but it's the work itself, not the environment. I no longer wish to subject myself to toxic work environments. I left my previous job even though up until the last few months I really liked it and my career was going up and up and up. But they turned extremely toxic when the pandemic hit and I realized with my anxiety it wasn't where I should be. And now I have my amazing job and I'm so grateful. Bonus is I'm making considerably more money!

My intestinal disease is flaring up really badly. It started overnight Friday night (so I did the 5k on like 4 hours of sleep) and has been really bad ever since. If it doesn't get better by tomorrow I'll have to call my useless doctor. The alternative is to go to the ER but they'll hospitalize me and that's just not going to happen. Hopefully it'll start getting better on it's own. It has before.

I don't know that it's "fear" of commitment. I think he just might not want to get married. Not wanting something isn't the same as fearing it. I don't want to get married ever again. I don't "fear" remarriage, I just don't find it to be something I want. My friends (married couple) never wanted kids. They don't "fear" being parents, they just don't want any children. If you value marriage but you also want to be married to HIM, I feel your only option is to wait it out. If you're approaching an age where you think your fertility might be at risk, waiting might not make sense. But if not, can you wait it out? BTW, I think you're perfectly within your rights to NOT want to wait. I probably wouldn't. But you may think keeping this man is worth setting aside your wants temporarily to see how things pan out. Side note, I married my husband because he gave me a "marry me or lose me" ultimatum. We lasted 14 years married, primarily because we had a child three years in and the child held us together longer than we might have been. But ultimately my initial hesitance was correct...we were not suited to be married and I think if we'd waited we would have learned that before we actually got married. I don't regret the marriage because I have my wonderful son, but we did not belong together as a married couple. (And yes, I did feel pressured into a marriage I wasn't ready for.)

So it seems you two are potentially at an impasse: he won't propose before five years out of his own desire but rather to appease you, and you won't move unless/until he proposes AND you want the proposal to be of his own free will because HE chooses to propose, not because you gave him a "propose or I won't move" ultimatum. Also you aren't willing to wait out the five years. It doesn't seem like there's a good solution. Either you move without a sincere proposal or he proposes but feels coerced. Neither is ideal. Do you see it as a breaking point?

How secure do you feel in the relationship? Do you feel he is the one you'll be spending the rest of your life with? Do you think HE feels that way about you? When he says he sees you in his future does he specifically mention being married TO YOU? My BIL was living with his long term girlfriend. He too had "requirements" he wanted met before they allegedly were to get married. First he wanted a career job. Then when he got the career job he said he wanted X amount of dollars saved up. When they reached that goal he increased it by double. Then when they reached THAT goal he said he wanted to be in his job for five years. The truth was he didn't want to get married EVER, to anyone, and he was stalling. He was perfectly happy to live together but he didn't want marriage for whatever reason. His girlfriend finally realized this and broke up with him. She's now married and a mother. Interestingly he pulled the same routine on his previous girlfriend. She also broke up with him and she too is married and a mother. But obviously not to him. He currently lives with his mother and is single and has been for several years. He's in his 40s now, BTW. Never married, no kids, lives with Mom. I can't say this is what your boyfriend is doing. But I would think very long and hard about these things: are you willing to wait out his five year time frame (i.e., do you feel he and the relationship are worth waiting it out)? Or alternatively, are you willing to stay behind when he moves and see how you two fare long distance? And finally, would you be willing to forego marriage and just live together indefinitely if that's ultimately what he decides?

My brother believes apologizing shows weakness. He calls himself a "dumb jock" and admittedly adheres to what he refers to as "1970s" mindset. Where men were never supposed to apologize or admit when they're wrong about something. And adults were never questioned about anything by children, even when they're glaringly wrong. He made a big effort to be nice yesterday. Still didn't apologize, but I didn't expect that anyway. It turned out to be a nice day. And I finished the 5k, so that felt good. Although I am sore AF!

I don't think apologizing is a sign of weakness. I think it's a sign of strength and maturity. And empathy, which he has been lacking since his second marriage broke up. Thank you for asking after my son in law. He is thankfully fine and uninjured.

Thanks. YOU said sorry but he didn't. HE doesn't apologize. It's a sign of weakness, ya know.

I'm sorry this happened. I've come to realize there are some people who are only focused on themselves and there's nothing I can do about it. Please try to enjoy your big day with your mom and other sister. They're going to be so proud of you. And congratulations! 🎉

And then when I said something he says he was just having fun with it. Yeah, serious car accidents where the car is totaled are real hilarious. He can ask my son in law how much fun he's having with it. 🙄 I don't know what happened to him but he has zero empathy. That's not how we were raised.

I told my brother that my son in law had been in a bad car accident and his car was totaled and the first thing he says is "remind me to never ride with him!" He can be such an insensitive jerk sometimes. He did say "J/K" after, but still...

Be careful not to keep harping on this. At some point he could get tired of reassuring you. He also might start wondering what exactly he has to do to get you to trust that he's not lying to you or concealing anything from you. He might wonder why you persist in believing he still loves his ex and will drop you in an instant to be back with her. It gets really old when someone refuses to believe you're being truthful with them. So learn to self-soothe. Or you may end up bringing about the very thing you're fearing. Remember what I said about manifesting bad things? Don't do that.