Gay and Lesbian Wedding Planning

Excerpted from
Gay and Lesbian Weddings; Planning the Perfect Same-Sex Ceremony
By David Toussaint, Heather Leo

None of you reading this book needs a lesson on bravery, but you will have to deal with the unknown. Emily Post doesn't give tips on gay receiving-line etiquette, and there are a lot of factors in your wedding that you can't simply ask your parents about. In the following chapters, we'll address many of those concerns. We'll inform you of traditional wedding customs and suggest alternative ideas that may be more suitable for a same-sex wedding. There are also examples of real gay weddings, to give you an idea of what other couples have gone through, what choices they made, and special ways they made their own celebrations sparkle.

The one thing you can never forget is that no matter what you read and what advice people give you, this is your wedding, your money, and your dream. Do whatever you want. One of my beefs with wedding "experts" is when they tell you point-blank what you can and cannot do at your celebration. To give tips is one thing; to tell you no is quite another. Traditional bridal publications love to point out that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pill made a major faux pas by incorporating corny vows into their ceremony. Personally, we think that if Jen felt that making Brad his favorite banana milk shakes was important enough for her to include in her vows, more power to her Similarly, Barbra Streisand's floor-length veil and-gasp!-white dress at her second wedding, to James Brolin, brought cries of "Yentl's Gone Mental" by the wedding press. Wear white, off-white, or nothing but a veil if that's your true wedding wish. We can give you advice, but only you can decide what to do with it. When in doubt, always go with your instincts.

Remember, you're not alone: Thousands of man-man and woman-woman weddings take place each year, and you're all in this together. The fun part is that, by deciding on having a gay wedding, you're at the forefront of a whole new world. Gay weddings are in the Genesis stage, and you're right there along Adam and Steve and Vanessa and Eve Together, what we don't know, we'll figure out. What we've been denied in the past, we'll demand for our future. We can't turn back the clock; gay weddings are here to stay. Like others before you, you, too, have a dream-one that will never die. When you put down this book and say "I do," that dream will forever be reality.

Who's Out First?

And you thought coming out the first time was difficult. Now that you're engaged, you've got to tell Mom and Dad, sisters and brothers, and all your close friends and relatives. Don't put this off. Once your friends see that twinkle in your eye and realize it's not from laser eye surgery, they're going to get suspicious. For some of you, telling parents may not pose a problem. If you've been with your partner for a long period of time, and your parents accept the relationship, they'll most likely be delighted by the news. As with any traditional couple, it's nice if you tell them over dinner or brunch, in a comfortable setting, perhaps a favorite restaurant or at home; whether you think it's appropriate to tell them alone or together is entirely up to you.

If your parents have never met your partner, or they don't approve of your relationship, this is going to be a trickier situation. Hence, it's best to get it over with as soon as possible. (However, if you anticipate problems, do not tell them immediately. You want to bask in your engagement as long as possible before the unpleasant realities set in. Wait a week or so and, in the meantime, lavish yourself and your partner.)

If it's simply a matter of them not knowing your partner (say, if he or she lives in another part of the country), perhaps you could arrange a time for everyone to meet before the wedding. If that's physically impossible-your parents are ailing and can't travel, for example-arrange a conference call. Even if they don't approve of your ceremony, your parents will be much more comfortable about your wedding once they've "met" your partner. Think of your situation in terms of politics: When two countries don't get along, the best approach is to start talking. It's when communication ends that all hell breaks loose.

However you choose to approach the situation, make sure your parents know before the rest of the world does. If your relationship is already strained as a result of your sexuality, it's only going to get worse if your parents find out you're hitched through the gossipy next-door neighbor Remember that infamous scene in Ordinary People when Mary Tyler Moore's character finds out from a friend that her son has quit the swim team? Tell Mom first and you'll both make it after all.

Finally, if your parents don't know that you're gay, let alone about to commit to someone of the same sex, you've now got a great reason to come out of the closet. They're going to find out soon enough (and guess what?-on some level, they probably already know). The only way to look at a situation like this is to compare it to doing a chore you despise, like filing your taxes or having a root canal: You dread the process, but you're going to feel much better about yourself when the job's done. If that sounds like a simplification, it is. However, a tough problem like this requires tough love: You can't live a happy, fulfilled life, let alone one with a partner, without being honest about your sexuality. It isn't fair to your parents, it's certainly not fair to your partner, and, most important, it's not fair to yourself.

If you're not ready to come out, take the lime to evaluate if you're prepared for the realities having a wedding will bring. You might find that you need to be more comfortable with your sexuality before you're ready to make a commitment in front of the world

Follow pretty much the same rule with close friends and relatives as you do with your parents. Granted, your younger brother Joey might not need a conference call with his new brother-in-love, but he, too, should hear the news from you as soon as possible. Depending on how young your sibling is, there could be the added stress of being teased at school or other social activities about the lesbian sister and her lover. Make sure your sib knows that you've met the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with, and that this is in every sense of the word a real marriage. Put this off, or avoid the subject altogether, and the union might not be taken seriously. This would also be a great time to ask your baby sister Linda to play a major role in the wedding.

If either one of you has children, and assuming you have at least partial custody, immediately plan a time to sit down with them, alone, to give them the news. Your children are the last people in your life who should hear about your wedding from someone else. Depending on your situation and your children's ages, they might have a lot of concerns about the nuptials. Go over any fears they have about adjusting to a new life with gay parents, and let them know that both of you will be there for them during this time. Just like any other kids adjusting to remarriage, they might not immediately like their new mom or new dad. Give it time.

Whether or not you tell office mates or your boss is, of course, up to you, and will most likely depend on how out you are at work. If you do plan on telling them, you need to understand that they'll be wondering if they're invited-and don't be surprised if some assume they are. So before you send that mass office e-mail around, make this decision with your partner.

The standard etiquette for co-workers is that you either invite them all or just your immediate supervisor. No matter how close you are to individual office mates, you're going to hurt a lot of feelings if you single out just one or two of them. Similarly, do you really want to invite that guy in sales whom you've never actually been introduced to and who never washes after flushing? Remember, he'll be touching the food! Whichever route you choose, it's always good to have a response ready if someone who's not invited asks. "We'd love to invite everyone, but it's going to be a simple ceremony with close friends and family" is the diplomatic course. "You're a lush with a bad wig" is best saved for holiday gatherings.

To clear things up, you should also immediately tell your boss that all wedding preparations will take place either during lunch hours or before or after work. (In other words, lie.)