Chase or Leave...?

Hello..first time here. A little shaky writing this. A lot of searching has brought me here, and I'm just trying to find a place to ask a question with people.

I'll make it short.

Dated a girl for 2 years, thought she was my soul mate, she cheated on me, ran around, abused me, now I have bad persecution issues.

Anyways, 1 year ago, I started dating a girl I've known for years. I wasn't in love or caring with her right off the bat. I was still screwed up over my ex after 6 months. But over the months, we became so close. I know everything about her. Everything is comfortable. I'm a big guy, I work out and I'm 6'3, so a lot of people don't realize I'm really sensitive and emotional. This was one girl who never hurt me intentionally, begged to see me 24/7, cried over me in any certain situation, spent loads of time with me, we practically lived together. In April I got a new job working the night shift at a hotel. My sleep schedule is odd now, and we haven't been doing as much as we used to, but I still try to please her. I started school full time, and decided I was gonna put my 2 weeks in at job, seeing I have student loans to help right now, and that we could spend more time together. Now we keep arguing and going off and on, and it didn't affect me at all. Until a few days ago of the arguing I got this major rush of love and emotion for her. I told her how much I love her and want her and need her and want to start this over. We had deactivated our face books in February and she reactivated hers recently and started talking to some guy who is her "friend" and that he's been helping her. I don't control any girlfriend, I just don't like having some guy who I don't know talking personally or hanging out with my girlfriend. I know how most guys are in pursuit of a beautiful young woman. But of course I didn't see the messages, and I reactivated and messaged him to lay off. Finally she told me she needs me more than him. And we got back together. That night we had such a good night, we were having fun I thought, we got ice cream, picking and choosing songs, talking about everything. Slept together. The whole 9 yards. After she left my house before I went to work, she went to a friends house. She said she was gonna come see me at work and bring me a drink around 1am. Saturday night, full moon, her phone was off at 1:30 when I tried calling to see where she was. Never heard back from her. I started getting worried, "is she out parting, cheating, drinking, etc" was running through my head. I'm at work panicking so bad. Finally at 3:30 I get a text. "My phone died" I called her and she sounded desperate, and I said "please come by please." She walked inside at 4 am with a rolled up piece of paper with my ring I gave her around it. I started crying right here at work in front of her. She walked out. The note said pretty much that she loves me dearly, but can't be with me. She wants me to find someone who is good for me. That she thinks that I am keeping her from being "herself." That she has to worry about telling me if she's gonna go hang out with a friend because a guy might be there, etc.

As said, I don't want her hanging out with another guy, I don't know if that's selfish but every guy with a girlfriend I know all says "Absolutely. We all know how guys are." And I'll be damned if she goes over to her friends in pajamas and watches a movie on the bed with a guy in the bed too.

At this point do I be the one to run after her, or take flowers and a card by her house with the ring, or do I leave it be and let her find out I have been the only person in her life who hasn't left and wants her. For her.

Thank you guys. I really needed it off my chest. The heartbreak is killing me.

first you have to calm down ok? second you can not chase her you need to give her sometime and space. i think you should take sometime to examine your actions a little bit. the way you are talking in this post you come off very overbearing and that is not good for any relationship. using statements like 'you'll be damned' over anything she is doing is not your place.

first you have to calm down ok? second you can not chase her you need to give her sometime and space. i think you should take sometime to examine your actions a little bit. the way you are talking in this post you come off very overbearing and that is not good for any relationship. using statements like 'you'll be damned' over anything she is doing is not your place.

Thanks for the response. I'm a very nice and honest person, the only thing that gets me hot is having someone else going after the person I love. I don't mind what she does, and when I say with guys, I mean like I don't want her messaging them behind my back, or hanging out with some other guy in private or at some party type deal where I am not. All that goes through my mind other than the heartbreak is what if she's running around now that she's free, and a side of her I've never seen is coming out.

Look, the world is full of guys and your GF us going to have to interact with some of them. Hey, shock horror, some of them might even be friendly with het. Note the word 'friendly'.

To me, you come over as possessive. I'm sure you're nice, honest and loving. But how would you feel if you had to curtail your behaviour and limit who you were friends with? People flourish in relationships when they feel respected and trusted. Your behaviour towards your GF smacks of disrespect and distrust.

You make out as if you're the only person that has 'ever treated her right'. But you haven't - you've tried to control and manipulate her into fpdoing what you want.

I don't think you'll be able to convince her to come back to you. I think she's over it.

I believe you are indeed a lovely honest man and you have fallen deeply for this girl ..but , she hasnt fallen deeply for you darling and your actions , be them right or wrong , have pushed her into making a decision . I actually think she is after a single life and enjoys the flirting and the attention and whether you are possesive or not , this girl doesn't want to be tied down to anyone ...she wants to be free .

Sometimes you just have to walk away .

I believe you are indeed a lovely honest man and you have fallen deeply for this girl ..but , she hasnt fallen deeply for you darling and your actions , be them right or wrong , have pushed her into making a decision . I actually think she is after a single life and enjoys the flirting and the attention and whether you are possesive or not , this girl doesn't want to be tied down to anyone ...she wants to be free .

 

Sometimes you just have to walk away .

Well, first of all, we do not actually know if she flirted with anyone else or not. Nowhere in his post did OP say he found any actual flirtatious messages. The girlfriend was chatting with an old male friend on Facebook and OP just butted in and told the guy to back off. He really had no idea what the situation really was. Bottom line is OP you don't want her talking to any guy or in the company of any guy, even with other people present. I understand you know guys' intentions (or think you know) but not literally every guy would be hitting on your girlfriend, unless she looks like a supermodel or something....I don't have many male friends, but I have a couple, and if my boyfriend without any good reason told me to ditch them, I would break up with him too. If you felt insecurity about it because

of your past relationship, you should have just opened up to your girlfriend and discussed it. Not just act so controlling, paranoid and jealous. You were trying to rule her life and tell her what to do, nobody wants that.

Look, the world is full of guys and your GF us going to have to interact with some of them. Hey, shock horror, some of them might even be friendly with het. Note the word 'friendly'.

 

To me, you come over as possessive. I'm sure you're nice, honest and loving. But how would you feel if you had to curtail your behaviour and limit who you were friends with? People flourish in relationships when they feel respected and trusted. Your behaviour towards your GF smacks of disrespect and distrust.

 

You make out as if you're the only person that has 'ever treated her right'. But you haven't - you've tried to control and manipulate her into fpdoing what you want.

 

I don't think you'll be able to convince her to come back to you. I think she's over it.

Agreed. Also have you ditched every single female you know as well, or did you just expect your gf to do that with guys?

Well, first of all, we do not actually know if she flirted with anyone else or not. Nowhere in his post did OP say he found any actual flirtatious messages. The girlfriend was chatting with an old male friend on Facebook and OP just butted in and told the guy to back off.

that is my opinion regardless of what is said ..... and as I live in Narnia I am probably right !

that is my opinion regardless of what is said ..... and as I live in Narnia I am probably right !

Lol!!! I think the best thing is to stay calm and be open. If you're worried just ask, "Who'a this guy?" Just assuming and just butting in and telling him to get lost without any actual proof would have made me extremely angry if you were my boyfriend. Some women may actually have guy friends they've had for ages and nobody's going to tell me personally to dump them

Thanks for all the replies. And I will admit I am insecure. I've been lied to my whole life whether it be in a relationship or growing up. All I know are lies, and in my relationships, all I know is pain and hurt and how it feels to have trust ripped and be betrayed. I don't expect her to cut off anyone in the male gender, I just don't want her sitting there messaging a guy back and forth, all day all night. Or her going out on the town involving a guy. I had a slight glance at her Facebook when we were together the other night. The dudes were in her inbox like wild animals "hey" "hey" "nice pic" "you're cute" "hit me up". None were opened which calmed me. But I get anxiety if the worst case scenario slips into my head. I'm currently on my way to becoming a Law Enforcement Officer, which ran in the family, my mother told me most people who become cops have the same mindset- they always expect the worst, hand always on gun, etc, point being I always expect the worst. But I just know what's out in this world. I'm sure many of you beautiful ladies on this forum have been bugged and bugged by certain men in the past trying to get to one thing. I was immature one time too. I just grew out of it. My worst fear is that happening, and her believing everything one says. She's just so nieve.

P.s. the guy on Facebook was one of those jo-blows who popped out of no where. She said " he messaged me saying 'heyyy, do I know you'" and it started there. But all of a sudden became a friend real quick.

So do you mean that guy on Facebook was not her friend originally, but just a random on Facebook? I think in that case I do agree with you that she shouldn't have started chatting to him because yeah in my experience when random guys on Facebook start talking to a woman they don't know, it's because they found her picture attractive and they want to flirt with her. That was always my experience. However, I think in guarding your girlfriends from guys, you need to be reasonable and try not to come accross as really controlling. Like, with this guy, you could have just talked to your girlfriend about it and explained your concerns and basically hint that you prefer she didn't talk to him. Maybe she would have stopped then. But going on Facebook and scaring him off yourself just sounds too full-on and like you want to be an alpha male and get territorial and always butt in.You also said something like: "I'll be damned if she hangs out with a guy in her pyjamas, even if someone else is there". Using the phrase "I'll be damned etc." comes accross as controlling. Firstly, you're right, it does seem like you jump to the worst case scenario. Why would she be hanging out with people where there's a guy and she'd be in her pyjamas? I just don't think that would happen, unless she's done something like that already.. Sounds like she's a cute girl and yes some guys might flirt with her but you CAN'T shelter her from all males. There are males anywhere she would go, in shops, on public transport, walking down the street, you name it. You just have to work on not freaking out every time she talks to a guy and not acting full-on. Like, if she hangs out in a group and there's guys there, you can't just tell her not to. You can't just police her and say: "If there's guys, you need to leave, you can only stay if it's just females". That's just not realistic. Have you seen a therapist about all these issues? Although, on another note, I also think that if your girlfriend was chatting to total stranger males on Facebook and when you didn't like it, she broke up with you, maybe she's just not as into you as you thought she was. Maybe she does just want to be free to get male attention and you were standing in the way of that. I just don't think she would A) Want to talk to strange guys on Facebook and B) Break up with you coz you told her not to; if she was really into you. I guess what I mean though with this whole post is you need to act on a case by case scenario. Like, it's a random guy on Facebook, you could say something, but if it's an actual male friend of hers, it could just be a friend. In particular if they hang out with other people there too. Just telling her not to talk to ANY male eill not go down well. If you date a cute girl, yeah, you need to be prepared some guys will hit on her, but to work on trusting her and on your insecurities. If you can't handle it then you'd need to date an unattractive woman, and even then guys could still hit on her. You just can't control that.