Ex used me and now refuses point blank to meet to draw line under things

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum but had visited it before and found it really helpful, hearing other people's insight and wisdom on things - I hope some of you may be able to offer me some of that, as I'm in rather a low place at the moment after a difficult and prolonged break up.

I was together with my ex for about a year and a half, and initially it was fantastic, and I was overawed by his level of affection and interest in me. Naturally (or not!), this changed - he was 10 years younger than me, with me at 30 and he at 20 - something I had NEVER thought I'd do, but it happened and it seemed to work. I made many sacrifices for this relationship to work, including moving house and finding myself without much support - friends were generally good about it, but largely I did these things due to the fact he had convinced me that the age gap didn't matter and that somehow love was enough.

For reasons slightly unknown to me, he started trying to break up with me around May/June of this year but always came back and I took him back each time - he considered himself to have bipolar and was incredibly up and down and inconsistent with me.

We went on holiday in the summer and it was a nightmare, he was awful because he was in one of his 'down' episodes. I nevertheless continued to take emotional verbal and physical abuse and somehow stayed with him? I am yet to understand quite why my boundaries did not prevent this.

Recently, he broke up with me after cheating on me - I reacted very poorly to that, and clung on for fear of losing the relationship (which at least was one vague constant in my life) and the clinging led to him calling it off, including him saying that he felt we were in different stages of our life, the very opposite of what he had said initially.

We had a week apart and I returned to my city and we decided to meet - that was about three weeks ago; when we had our first conversation, he was very sexualised and said if he saw me he would want to sleep with me. Naturally, and terrible, being a wreck that I was having lost all confidence, I went along with it, and what has since ensued is three weeks of him sleeping with me, and us hanging out but also finding text messages on his phone about another girl he apparently likes too. I feel foolish that I have let him do this to me, and believed him and allowed him to find respite in my room, my mind and my home but I find it incredibly hard to accept that he is still in the drivers seat and wants it to end. I asked for us to draw a line under it last week, which he said he 'wasnt in the mood for' - and since then he has basically cut me off.

I've asked and almost begged for a closure conversation, as the mess we left it in was so awful and I feel terrible guilt - he doesn't seem to care at all, refuses to do this, even to meet for half an hour and sends me a hurl of abuse whenever I plead for this to happen. I don't want to remember myself or he and I on a terrible argument and feel I want to say my piece in order to draw a line under this, which previously he agreed to but then decided to change his mind about.

What I need is heartfelt advice - what do you guys think, based on the above? WHat would you do? Is it fair to ask, calmly and polite, for a civil and brief conversation to put the hurt to bed and to apologise/thank for the good times, just so it's not left this way? Help and advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

H x

You're never going to get what you want. Closure is something that you need to reach alone. You may get a half honest answer from him but I think if you're honest with yourself, you need him to validate your right to feel upset, your emotions and you're life.

My advice would be to maybe get counselling. So underrated!

Oh and as horrible as it is to accept, he no longer owes you anything but that goes for you too. I think you guys sound like a terrible match as well

oh darling

i will give you your closure for you ......CLOSED ........

honestly ...dont keep yourself in this place for the sake of closure ... to be blunt ..he wont give you closure because he can come to you when he wants and have sex ...you have become a convenience who he doesn't respect ... he had physically and mentally abused you and now gets sex .... YOU have to shut your own door , and walk away ... I say this with kindness ...but a little desperationof trying to get you to see that the only way forward is to stand the hell up , shake yourself down and not allow this man to use you and your life , body , home and soul .

He isn't "using you" as you have given your consent to sleep together KNOWING he has cheated and is in contact with other women.

He neither owes you, nor appears willing, to have any further conversations about said actions.

You need to learn to tell him NO>

Oh and as horrible as it is to accept, he no longer owes you anything but that goes for you too. I think you guys sound like a terrible match as well

You really think he doesn't owe me anything? I was literally at his beckon call and always a shoulder to cry on, and he knew the sex thing was a bad idea too. I don't know - I feel that people should be respectful. I dont' know why they wouldn't be, if they know they're struggling.

You really think he doesn't owe me anything? I was literally at his beckon call and always a shoulder to cry on, and he knew the sex thing was a bad idea too. I don't know - I feel that people should be respectful. I dont' know why they wouldn't be, if they know they're struggling.

That was YOUR choice.

I tried to tell him no when I said we needed to draw a line under it last week - clearly he didn't respond well to my taking control in some way and thus refused to let me say it was over and that any kind of physical contact and indeed contact in general should be ended.

My choice but a choice of a person who had been abused and reduced so not exactly in the strongest frame of mind. I would feel awful guilt if I had done that to someone.

You really think he doesn't owe me anything? I was literally at his beckon call and always a shoulder to cry on, and he knew the sex thing was a bad idea too. I don't know - I feel that people should be respectful. I dont' know why they wouldn't be, if they know they're struggling.

we expect everyone to act how we would act ...we expect them to say what we would say ..we expect a certain level of moral etiquette because we have those morals and that is why we are continually let down ..because we don't get treat how we would treat ....

in his eyes ..and I so am not trying to hurt you ...you have put up with everything , and like you said been at his beck and call ... he has no respect for you so it wont enter his mind that he has to apologise or give closure because in his eyes ..you went with it .....

He doesn't have a choice if YOU stop sleeping with him. That is your choice.

Nor does he have anything to say if YOU stop contacting him and allowing him to come over.

I tried to tell him no when I said we needed to draw a line under it last week - clearly he didn't respond well to my taking control in some way and thus refused to let me say it was over and that any kind of physical contact and indeed contact in general should be ended.

no ..he cannot refuse ....YOU ARE CALLING THE SHOTS IN YOUR LIFE NOT HIM ....take your control .....get it back and get it back now darling ....big hugs , I can see how upset you are xx

Listen to the two old birds here xxx

I feel that people should be respectful. I dont' know why they wouldn't be, if they know they're struggling.

I feel you should learn to respect yourself.

I feel you should learn to respect yourself.

Very true. You don't respect yourself, so you cannot expect him to respect you either.

I give respect to people who are tolerant - not just people who are cold. It was a messy situation between us, and it was both of us involved in sex, not just me. I gave in because I was weak and I suppose I wanted love of some sort. It doesn't excuse him - he knew how it would make me feel, and perhaps knew he wasn't emotionally invested. You can't just use people.

Very true. You don't respect yourself, so you cannot expect him to respect you either.

Not that easy when someone has broken you down quietly over time. You really think that the other [person in this situation is somehow blameless? That's how it seems!

It doesn't matter if he is blameless or not.

You seem to be missing the point. He cannot have sex with you if you tell him NO.

He cannot talk to you if you don't answer the phone or text.

He doesn't care how his actions make you feel. He cares how they make HIM feel.

Not that easy when someone has broken you down quietly over time. You really think that the other [person in this situation is somehow blameless? That's how it seems!

We are all accountable for our own actions. Nobody here is supporting him - rather giving you advice to try and get you see that your reactionary behaviour/thought process is not going to help you.

I give respect to people who are tolerant - not just people who are cold. It was a messy situation between us, and it was both of us involved in sex, not just me. I gave in because I was weak and I suppose I wanted love of some sort. It doesn't excuse him - he knew how it would make me feel, and perhaps knew he wasn't emotionally invested. You can't just use people.

He knew but doesnt care. He doesnt care because he has no respect for you... he got want he wanted from you (the sex). He knows he can do it time and time again and say whatever he wants and you'll come running back... you've shown him this by the multiple times hes broken up wiht you and you took him back. He is 20 years old, he doesnt understand the concept of respect for others like you do with 10 years more experience then him. You may not use people but, it doesnt mean he wont.

The only way to take control of this is for you to stop. Stop hounding him, stop searching for closure. Go NC and rebuild yourself, your self-esteem, your self respect, your friendships and anything else you may have dropped when you have started dating him. Once you start rebuilding yourself, you will no what your self worth is and 6 months, 9 months or a year from now you will look back and realize that you deserved better and that this boy was not worth the trouble he put you through.

Hugs, I know it hurts and its confusing and hard to understand why he would do thing and that and the other thing... but instead of letting the confusion eat you alive, you need to try and not fixate on it and start rebuilding yourself

It doesn't matter if he is blameless or not.

 

You seem to be missing the point. He cannot have sex with you if you tell him NO.

He cannot talk to you if you don't answer the phone or text.

 

He doesn't care how his actions make you feel. He cares how they make HIM feel.

Yes but the point was I tried to be adult and do the right thing by conversing appropriately with him last week - he for some reason dragged his heels, and said 'let's just hang out instead'. I agreed, thinking that if I did that, at least I could speak to him because he would be here He then called me and said he couldn't come over. He obviously didn't want me to draw the line and say no, so he decided to aggressively prevent it. I wanted peace from this, and to be civil, but he seems obsessed with control. I don't even want to have any physical contact with him anymore, I have lost interest in that completely. I just wanted to let it be and say some things that I hadn't said. DOn't see why that is so hard.

Having another conversation about this situation is not "adult". It is beating a dead horse.

He cheated on you, and shown you massive disrespect --- and you still keep sleeping with him. He doesn't want to be committed to you --- his actions are plain as day. He says "lets hang out" ---- and you say "yes".

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE WANTS.

In addition ---- he doesn't have to "listen" to you vent your spleen either.

Having another conversation about this situation is not "adult". It is beating a dead horse.

 

He cheated on you, and shown you massive disrespect --- and you still keep sleeping with him. He doesn't want to be committed to you --- his actions are plain as day. He says "lets hang out" ---- and you say "yes".

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE WANTS.

 

In addition ---- he doesn't have to "listen" to you vent your spleen either.

SO you advice is?

Not that easy when someone has broken you down quietly over time. You really think that the other [person in this situation is somehow blameless? That's how it seems!

No one is saying he isnt accountable for what hes doing but, you can make a stone bleed. The only thing you can do is stop allowing him to hurt you further by saying NO and going ninja silent like mhowe said.

He cannot hurt you if you don't let him! No one owes anyone anything unfortunately... as much as you want to know why he is doing what he is doing to you, he isnt going to tell you or explain anything to you because he doesnt care how it is hurting you... all he cares about is that he is getting sex... thats it..

Yes but the point was I tried to be adult and do the right thing by conversing appropriately with him last week - he for some reason dragged his heels, and said 'let's just hang out instead'. I agreed, thinking that if I did that, at least I could speak to him because he would be here He then called me and said he couldn't come over. He obviously didn't want me to draw the line and say no, so he decided to aggressively prevent it. I wanted peace from this, and to be civil, but he seems obsessed with control. I don't even want to have any physical contact with him anymore, I have lost interest in that completely. I just wanted to let it be and say some things that I hadn't said. DOn't see why that is so hard.

What's so hard is getting HIM to agree or to validate or to accept what you are saying.

You don't need him to agree, validate or accept what is right for you. It's your life. Live it as you wish, and do not seek approval from him.

Make your choice. Be responsible for it. Don't try to sell him on it, you don't need his buy in.

Just DO it and stop trying to talk about it.