Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

Hi everyone,

I am using this forum to let out what's on my mind right now.

I have been dating this wonderful girl for almost a year now. I met her in June of last year on a dating website. At first I didn't think it would really amount to anything because I just ended a 5 year relationship just 6 months before. But, as time went on I discovered what I think was the most wonderful person I ever met in my life.

I was immediately attracted to her and my feelings for her grew and I completely fell in love head over heels with her. But there was something holding me back a little bit. There was some uncertainty. She was an American working here in Canada on a contract and it was up to expire December of that same year. But, after she met me, she decided to extend it a couple more years. I was really happy about this. I could tell she really liked me a lot too. But, she was dead set in returning to her hometown of Atlanta when her contract would be over. So, because of that, I never really tried to push the relationship too far. I could see that she was holding back as well.

At Valentine's day, I happen to get a hold of her apartment key. That evening I set up a surprise for her. I wanted to show her just how much I appreciated her and how strong my feelings were for her. It was a nice surprise fondue dinner with a trail of rose petals and flowers and everything. She got home from work and was so surprised and happy. But, a couple of days after that she sends me an email telling me that she was sorry because there was something she didn't tell me. She was still legally married to a guy in her hometown. Things hadn't gone so well together and they already tried to get their marriage annulled or get divorced, but because of the laws in her state it was impossible. I told her that wasn't a big deal for me because I knew we could still have a relationship nonetheless. I mean it's not like she was really in a relationship with him anymore other than just being friends. Then she also admitted that her husband had contacted her and he was thinking of getting back with her and coming up here to live with her. That one really shook me.

I asked her if that was really what she wanted and she said she didn't know. But, she said that if I could be with her, she'd like it very much if I moved to her hometown with her when her contract is over. And we'd basically live together. I said we'll see but, I didn't think I'd be willing to go that far. My folks are getting old and I want to be there to take care of them. Her family on the other hand is all over the place. She has next to no relationship with her mother, her father has been in a deep depression after his second wife died of cancer and has been giving all his attention on his second wife's daughter from another father and my girlfriend and her brother have been left behind sort of. On the other hand, she has lots of friends over there and I guess she misses them a lot and I can understand that she wants to get back with them. She told me though that her husband used to get on her nerves a lot and even wondered at times why she married him in the first place. Apparently he wouldn't want to move out of his apartment, which he shared with a couple other roommates, and get a place together.

Anyway, she was still undecided and a bit confused about it all. So we decided to just keep seeing each other anyway, but I just didn't go as far as I went with the whole valentine's day dinner anymore.

I haven't had the chance to see her much for the past 2 weeks because I've been really busy at work and so as she. She works late shifts and I work regular hours. So when I slept over it would wake her up earlier than she usually gets up for work. She needed some rest so I barely saw her for 2 weeks. Now, her husband finally made up his mind. He came and did a surprise visit last weekend and announced he was going to move up here in a couple of weeks to live with her. She agreed. And now I feel like a complete wreck after she told me. I was counting the days until the next time I'd get to see her, but now it seems like I won't have that chance anymore.

While we've been together, it was absolutely amazing. She totally got me. She understood me so well, with my weird sense of humor and all the crazy stuff that I do. She'd just go along with it and laugh at my craziness. She never got mad at me over anything. Nor did I ever get mad at her. We bought random gifts for each other all the time. When I'd sleep over and I'd bring my lunch for work the next day, she'd put a little drawing with a note and a piece of chocolate. She was also an amazing cook. She would do these delicious homemade jams and would give me some for me and my family. I'd also cook meals and invite her over for dinner to try it out and to show off my culinary skills. But, she'd do all those nice little things that I really appreciated and just lit up my life. She really was the sunshine in my life.

When we went grocery shopping together we'd have so much fun. We'd just spontaneously dance in the isles when a good song came on the radio and just acted crazy. I'd accompany her to Ikea to shop for stuff and even though she hates shopping there, I just feel like we both had a good time nonetheless. We'd go try out different restaurants in the city and discover all sorts of food. I made her discover Japanese Ramen noodle soup and she's been hooked on it ever since.

While we were together we did a couple of trips, one of which we visited New York together and that was one of the best times I had with her. She took me out to one of the best restaurants in town, a world renowned restaurant, for my birthday. I did my best to make her feel just as special. Like that Valentine's day dinner I previously mentioned. I had put a trail of satin rose petals in the entrance all the way to her kitchen and dining room where I was waiting for her with the table all set up with a bouquet of flowers on the table and a nice fondue dinner. I had done her dishes and cleaned up her kitchen. She got home from work and was so surprised and happy. I think I really made her day that time.

Last, but definitely not the least, the sex was passionate and amazing. I loved her so much I just felt like making love to her every single time I saw her. I loved the softness and the smell of her skin. She has the most beautiful eyes and I loved kissing her every chance I got.

Since she announced that her husband is coming to live with her and that we'd have to put a stop to all this, it was sort of a shock, although it shouldn't be. It took a couple of days to sink in and now I've been crying my heart out. I'm having random anxiety attacks and I can't focus at work at all. Not to mention I try really hard not to cry at my desk. This is so awful. I really wish she could be the one. This time, I really don't think I'll ever find anyone as awesome and amazing as she is and this is making me feel like I'm at a complete loss.

You have been pranked!!

Please dont take offense on what I am about to tell you but your story is coming out from a movie script,they are all the same.

This is the first time I read your post,and you and me never met,right ?

Ok,so here we go,I will tell you your life with her :

She didnt tell you a thing about the marriage till she made crystal clear you liked her and that she could read your empathy levels,grouping you as a fixer and pleaser.

She never got divorced nor she ever wanted it,she was just cheating on her husband.

Since you wont be able to talk to him (dont even dare!!) and since her husnamd doesnt know a thing about you,she could tell you whatever she wanted/needed to.

Of course, I hate him,dont know why I married him,he makes me miserable,..its all in the script.

She was just using you for the sex,company and cause you were fun to have around..for a while.

All those beautiful and romantic memories you still have ? Your own illusion cause she aint cherishing a thing,you are from the past.

Was it all fake?Even if she told you I love you probably was because she meant it AT THAT MOMENT!

Rest is all product of your own imagination after you have been fed garbage by her to keep you along.

This people got all lined up and perfectly timed.

Your life with her was based on a lie and you will perish in it if you dont take a grip of yourself rather soon,it will consume you if you let it.

Passionate,amazing..wake up!It wasnt real.

Just remember,you are still in love with the person you thought she was,not with her.

Questions ?

I'm really sorry... can you take a little bit of time off work to pull yourself together?

The bottom line is she was still a married woman and wasn't honest with you about that, so she is NOT the greatest women in the world... she led you on for the convenience of having someone around while still stringing her husband along. So she is willing to use other people to meet her needs without regard to the impact of her behavior on them... that is not a nice person at all!

So regardless of any romantic feelings you might have for her, you need to put this in perspective... she may have cheated on her husband with many other guys in the past (including you) by being less than honest with them. Right now you are in love with who you THOUGHT she was, but honestly she was a liar and led you on which isn't a decent person nor one could you base a lifetime on.

btw, i can guarantee that the laws of Atlanta GA do NOT make it impossible to annul a marriage or divorce. it is pretty easy to divorce anywhere these days, so that is just an excuse. I think the real story is that she was a married woman living elsewhere on business and wanted someone to pass the time with because her husband wasn't around. once he agreed to move where she was, she's dumped you. Her husband probably has no clue you exist, or that she was pretending she wasn't married when he knew they were still married.

You've got to some major self esteem work so you don't involve yourself with a married woman ever again. I hope you get lucky and her husband doesn't physically hurt you.

She was still legally married ..I told her that wasn't a big deal for me

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING MAN !!!??

This is what you told her with "I told her that wasn't a big deal for me " :

-I got no backbone

- I got no values

- I am ok being second option

- Leave him,I am better for you (she just didnt agree to that)

And when she said "I am still legally married" she meant she had another boyfriend but when you agreed to her filth she ditched the other guy.I bet my money on this one. This people never let one loose unless got another one ready.

Now,after this,I am ready for the full support you may need,anytime,just needed to be bluntly honest with you.Hopefully you will wake up.

Roller coaster feeling alike emotions are a must for you now,so just go through them and you will see how good you will feel soon.

Stick to the winners : healthy and single women.

I appreciate your comments, but I really don't think she would've gone all this way just to cheat on her husband.

I really think her husband was kind of lame and she was just putting her marriage in question. I mean she did offer me to go live with her in Atlanta. She also introduced me to her co-workers as well.

Anyway, I still need to go get my stuff at her place and bring her her's from mine. I'm gonna have a talk with her then to clear things up. But, I really don't think she'd be that dishonest with me.

I think when I did that Valentine's day dinner surprise, that really opened up her eyes about how much I cared and how good I was to her and that's when she came clean about her husband. She gave me a choice right there. Either I'm going with this the whole way and I'm going to be her man, or we keep this casual and eventually her husband pops back in the picture.

Because I was holding back, she probably accepted that he eventually pops back in and I was pushed out. That's how I see it.

You guys may be right, but I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and let her explain first. Because, somehow, I really trust her.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

She was still legally married to a guy in her hometown. Things hadn't gone so well together and they already tried to get their marriage annulled or get divorced, but because of the laws in her state it was impossible. I told her that wasn't a big deal for me because I knew we could still have a relationship nonetheless

I cringed when I read that. I understand that on your behalf this was yet another measure of you trying to be the man that this woman wanted you to be. In the end, that lone statement about it not being a big deal really cost you the most invaluable part of your life, you're heart. And she used your niceness and kindness to take advantage of you in every way possible. So while you're busy falling in love with her, she was busy "deciding" on who to love; you or the husband back home in the big city.

The coming to Canada on a work contract and meeting and greeting with you while still married back home in Atlanta is appalling. It's downright disgusting, and a peer into the crystal ball of how a future with her would've been say if you both had become married. That's terrible on all four corners of the square, no matter how you cut or slice it. She led you on, period. But the minute she revealed her still standing marriage to her husband back home, my goodness, that should've been then end of you and her right there. When you agreed to continue the relationship, she sought that as you giving her the green arrow to clarify her marriage while still being attached to you on the side.

You have a long road ahead of you, my friend, as far as healing and restoring the shattered pieces of your heart. If I were you, I would lose all contact with her and focus solely on getting yourself back to where it is you need to be (mentally). Focus on healing, no dating, no new girlfriends or rebounds, just focus solely on getting yourself back on track.

Are you serious ?

Do you really believe what you just wrote ?

Ok,no problem,at least take this piece of advise before you hurt yourself : dont get near her house with her husband around.

And again, you serious about what you just wrote!!??

I am speechless!!!!!!!

She aint that much of a lier either,I would have spotted her at the first round, she just found herself a good hearted man who still believe in people and what they show him.

Again,no offense in my words.

And whenever you realize all the scam,no shame brother,you are always welcome back here.

Take care.

Read this message 10000000000000000000000000000000 times, you will need it soon.

Well to be honest, I initially thought about this relationship to be just a kind of rebound after my breakup with my previous 5 year relationship girlfriend. And I thought of myself as being strong enough to be okay when her contract would've been over and she would have to go, but I recently found out I was totally wrong.

I really got attached to this one.

About her being married, I just thought it didn't matter because, like she said, it just wasn't working out. I mean if she was in the process or trying to get it annulled it didn't really matter. It just wasn't going to work out between them.

About her being married, I just thought it didn't matter because, like she said, it just wasn't working out. I mean if she was in the process or trying to get it annulled it didn't really matter. It just wasn't going to work out between them.

Do you still agree with this? That it didn't matter?

Are you serious ?

Do you really believe what you just wrote ?

Yes, I know I sound like a sucker, but am I certain about this.

Ok,no problem,at least take this piece of advise before you hurt yourself : dont get near her house with her husband around.

I will definitely NOT approach her place with him around for sure.

I am so sorry you got hurt BUT l unfortunately separated is still married and one cardinal rule I have is NEVER NEVER get involved with some one in that situation. Hard enough to deal with all the issues of single people never mind adding another set. You will be fine --consider it a lesson learned and not to be repeated.

SGG,

I know you feel awkward right now cause you dont know what the hell is going on and these ENA people are just attacking me but all we are doing is just giving you some tough love.I mean it.

Ask her to show you those documents trying to null the marriage,you will see they never existed.

If you know where she lives you can ask a copy to the court.

You will get zip cause she never did a thing.

Well to be honest, I initially thought about this relationship to be just a kind of rebound after my breakup with my previous 5 year relationship girlfriend. And I thought of myself as being strong enough to be okay when her contract would've been over and she would have to go, but I recently found out I was totally wrong.

 

I really got attached to this one.

 

About her being married, I just thought it didn't matter because, like she said, it just wasn't working out. I mean if she was in the process or trying to get it annulled it didn't really matter. It just wasn't going to work out between them.

Definitely. I don't want my heart to be broken again in such a way.

Do not excuse her actions. If she really cared for your well-being, she wouldn't have kept her marriage a secret. She should have been upfront about her marriage. From thereon, it would have been your fault for sticking around.

I will definitely NOT approach her place with him around for sure.

If you get annoying to her or she starts seeing you as a possible threat to her marriage,she will make sure her husband gets to know "another truth" and will go for you.

Then you wont need to come around,he will go to you.

What you dont understand is that you are right at risky-zone and you are flying way to low.

What the hell is wrong with guys nowadays that lose all credibility when its about a woman?Plenty of healthy and mature single women who also enjoy sex to the wildest!!

She betrayed your trust and you risk it for her?Its all a play for her and you gonna get hurt.

It does matter, man. You may believe it does not, but it does and I think until you figure out why it does matter, you need not to date anyone else. There is something more important than any relationship or marriage on the face of this earth. It's your self-respect and your dignity. If you don't know that, then I would not encourage you to date ever again until you discover that. If you don't respect yourself, my goodness, don't let anyone else know that - as was the case in this situation, this woman straight played you because she knew you were open for the hook.

Do not excuse her actions. If she really cared for your well-being, she wouldn't have kept her marriage a secret. She should have been upfront about her marriage. From thereon, it would have been your fault for sticking around.

Well in this case I guess it was her fault for not telling me before, and then my fault for sticking around.

Anyway, like I said, I will clear this up next time I see her.

I think one other thing is that I had become kind of dependent on her in a way because most of my friends barely ever talk to me anymore. Nor are they in any way near my situation so it's hard to explain to them what's going on or to even get advice from them.

My best friend is actually cheating on his fiancee and I know what kind of answer I'm gonna get from him. (Basically I shouldn't be tied down to one woman)

Another good friend of mine is never available to talk to and he's in a sort of weird place right now and he's also always with his girlfriend so it's hard to get a hold of him.

Basically, this girl had become a really good friend at the same time and was a relief of my loneliness. We really had a lot in common and that was the great thing about this relationship, unlike my previous one where my ex didn't have anything in common with me.

I know it is hard, but you have become dependent on a married woman... marriages are very complicated and i heard a good saying once that said that anyone who gets involved with a married person can get sucked in and ground up by the machinery of the marriage.... the marriage rolls along, but those unwise enough to get involved as the 'other man' or 'other woman' are the ones who gets sacrificed 99% of the time in the end.

So she wasn't 'done' with her marriage... and you were a 'marital aide' to help their marriage so speak where you helped her endure during a rough time when she was separated from family and friends and her husband, but she has chosen to go back into the marriage (and may have never really left).

Please try not to romanticize what she did or minimize the pull of marital bonds. They can be quite strong even when the couple is fighting, even if they are separated for a while etc.

I think your task now is accepting that she chose to go back into the marriage and recommit to him, and under the circumstances you really can't even have her as a friend considering you were sleeping with her while she was still married and she is now going to be with her husband again. I would focus on meeting new people, looking for women who are truly available, and trying to have a realistic picture of what happened her... you're cutting her too much slack when it was really wrong of her not to openly admit from the very beginning that she not only was married, but wasn't even legally separated and still had thoughts of re-uniting with her husband. She put your heart at great risk and now is tossing you and your heart out the window now that hubby has come to heel again. Don't over romanticize her because honestly a nice person would have had full disclosure with you from the beginning and would not have even considered anyone else until she was formally done with her husband.

Lavenderdove: I think you are absolutely right. I mean she didn't marry the guy for nothing. I'm sure there's a pretty strong relationship between the both of them.

I know I have to accept this, but god damn this hurts. It's not like any regular break up. Because, unlike a regular breakup, I can't stay in touch with her at all. Or I risk having her husband chase me down. I must act like this never happened.

Lavenderdove: I think you are absolutely right. I mean she didn't marry the guy for nothing. I'm sure there's a pretty strong relationship between the both of them.

 

I know I have to accept this, but god damn this hurts. It's not like any regular break up. Because, unlike a regular breakup, I can't stay in touch with her at all. Or I risk having her husband chase me down. I must act like this never happened.

Actually, this is the best way to handle any breakup - not getting in touch with the dumper at all. That should become your new regular.

I'm not going to harsh you for dating what you thought was a separated woman. I mean... in life, we have to trust. At some point, anyways. If she says it's over, it's over, right? I don't think this makes you "gullible" - I think it makes you a trusting person - which is good.

The parts that made me cringe, though, were:

1) She had to "confess" she was married after months and months of dating. This would have worried me and led me to believe she was hiding more (and she was). People without stuff to hide don't hide things, yanno?

2) She said that she was legally unable to divorce. This one... I mean... I don't know how you even got past that one. Personally, I'd love to hear the details. I mean... it just doesn't even make sense!

3) He showed up unexpectedly. So... here's the thing. If they really WERE ever on the outs? He wouldn't have spent hundreds of dollars to fly his butt up to Canada and show up on her doorstep. How did he know she wasn't going to slam the door in his face? And where did he get the key to her place? This just doesn't make sense either. And if it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. They were likely not on the outs. Personally, I think this all happened around V-day because she recognized that her husband had a key... and if he ever showed up...

I think what you have to realize is that she was "perfect" because she was lying about and hiding her flaws. It was easy to play and have fun with you because she knew it wasn't going to last. You were dating an illusion... not a person. Real people have flaws (and clearly she does too).

Actually... I think those are the two things I would take from this:

1) If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true (this is one of Judge Judy's favorite lines - LOL!)

2) Real people have flaws. If you don't see flaws, it's because they are hiding them.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It's very, very hard when a relationship breaks up before you are ready. It's also a HUGE task to come to terms with what she did. Yes... you were ok with her being married. But she lied. A lot. About the marriage, about the state of the marriage, about who she was. I'm sure as you come to terms with this you will go through a series of emotions - denial, sad, angry, feel foolish, etc. It will get better, though. Just don't romantasize her - see her for what she is. Your future depends on it (no girl will ever live up to a "perfect" illusion of a person - all people have flaws).

I'm not going to harsh you for dating what you thought was a separated woman. I mean... in life, we have to trust. At some point, anyways. If she says it's over, it's over, right? I don't think this makes you "gullible" - I think it makes you a trusting person - which is good.

Thank you for understanding exactly how I feel. It isn't either black or white. It was a gray area and I was just so in love with her that I just decided to go along and see where it would lead because, hey you never know, maybe she would've dumped him for good to live with me.

The parts that made me cringe, though, were:

 

1) She had to "confess" she was married after months and months of dating. This would have worried me and led me to believe she was hiding more (and she was). People without stuff to hide don't hide things, yanno?

Well she hid it because she wasn't really certain of her relationship anyway and she wouldn't have met many guys if she told them that she was still married.

2) She said that she was legally unable to divorce. This one... I mean... I don't know how you even got past that one. Personally, I'd love to hear the details. I mean... it just doesn't even make sense!

Yeah.. she gave me some explanation but I can't quite remember. It had something to do with them never actually living together because he never left his apartment to live in with her.

3) He showed up unexpectedly. So... here's the thing. If they really WERE ever on the outs? He wouldn't have spent hundreds of dollars to fly his butt up to Canada and show up on her doorstep. How did he know she wasn't going to slam the door in his face? And where did he get the key to her place? This just doesn't make sense either. And if it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. They were likely not on the outs. Personally, I think this all happened around V-day because she recognized that her husband had a key... and if he ever showed up...

I don't know the details of that. But, I think he might have announced it a week earlier because she told me she was unavailable that weekend.

I think what you have to realize is that she was "perfect" because she was lying about and hiding her flaws. It was easy to play and have fun with you because she knew it wasn't going to last. You were dating an illusion... not a person. Real people have flaws (and clearly she does too).

Well yeah she did have flaws, but I didn't really mind them. We spent a lot of time together and we were literally a couple. I got to know her very well. Except for some details we now all know about of course.

Actually... I think those are the two things I would take from this:

1) If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true (this is one of Judge Judy's favorite lines - LOL!)

2) Real people have flaws. If you don't see flaws, it's because they are hiding them.

 

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It's very, very hard when a relationship breaks up before you are ready. It's also a HUGE task to come to terms with what she did. Yes... you were ok with her being married. But she lied. A lot. About the marriage, about the state of the marriage, about who she was. I'm sure as you come to terms with this you will go through a series of emotions - denial, sad, angry, feel foolish, etc. It will get better, though. Just don't romantasize her - see her for what she is. Your future depends on it (no girl will ever live up to a "perfect" illusion of a person - all people have flaws).

Thank you RedDress for your advice and your kind words. I feel you really understand my situation very well.

I am really happy this forum exists to let this kind of stuff out. I have to admit that I have had some pretty dark thoughts over my break ups and this forum and all of you participants have really helped me get through this.

On a lighter note, I told my landlord about my situation so that she doesn't freak out if she hears me sob. She immediately made a joke about renting the apartment next door to mine to either a hot girl or a couple of horny twins. lol. She then invited me in for a glass of wine. Haha, she's awesome. Made my day.