He's Torn Between Two Women

Hi everyone,

I'll start off this post with my big question: Should I wait for him to choose, or should I just forget it and move on?

I have recently fallen for a guy I have been attracted to for the past four years. I'll call him "C". C has been always attracted to me since the first day we met, but because I had been in a relationship until about three months ago, we did not let ourselves start a relationship. Now, however, there is a distinct possibility that we could be together. And this is where several problems arise, most prominent of which is the fact that, in the four years we had been just "good friends," C developed a crush on someone else (whom I'll call J), and they hang out at least once a week.

I admitted my feelings to him last night, to which he pretty much said, "I like you too, but I'm only about 85% sure." I have been talking to our mutual best friend about this, and this MBF told me that C is trying to work out the dreaded "What if?" questions if he chooses one over the other. I understood this, especially because I would not want him always thinking about the other girl if we started going out. However, J has explicitly told him that she is not interested in a relationship with C, yet C harbors hope that J will ask him out on a date. ](*,)(C asked J out several years ago, and she rejected him).

I intend to go all in if C and I begin a relationship, and I would (as I always have) cut off romantic connections with other guys out of respect for C. I expect the same from C, so the rational part of my brain is telling me to wait. But my emotional side is frustrated that he does not have a sure an answer as I do regarding taking this past friendship.

Can anyone shed light on my initial query? Any input would be appreciated

--Aegis

Assume that unless C contacts you to move things forward, that he isn't interested in you. If someone has to weigh up a decision whether to go out with you, it's not a good sign. With matters of the heart, especially since he's known you for four years, that is plenty of time to figure out whether he wants to be with you. He wouldn't have to weigh it up, he would just KNOW. Don't wait for him.

It looks to me that you are a backup plan for him. If I were you I would leave this scene.

"I like you too, but I'm only about 85% sure."

Lol, if I was really into a girl there is absolutely no way I would ever say anything like that to her. I don't think you should wait around.

Assume that unless C contacts you to move things forward, that he isn't interested in you. If someone has to weigh up a decision whether to go out with you, it's not a good sign. With matters of the heart, especially since he's known you for four years, that is plenty of time to figure out whether he wants to be with you. He wouldn't have to weigh it up, he would just KNOW. Don't wait for him.

Perhaps I should clarify some things that I didn't in my initial post.

C and I went out on a dinner date about a month ago. He thought it went great. Me...not so much. But then again, he has had very bad luck with women in the past (rejection after rejection after rejection), and I am new to the dating scene, as my last relationship that ended 3 months ago lasted five years. According to the mutual best friend, he has always had a soft spot for me since I knew him.

Biggest problem I have with C, though, is that he can be a bit of a coward sometimes. He is chary of risking a great friendship for dating, telling me that he would not ask J out again. From what I understand, he is fine with remaining in the comfortable "friend zone," sometimes to the point of taking a monk-like celibate approach to the few girls who have thrown themselves at him.

I mean this in all seriousness, but are you sure he isn't gay?

So what's happened between now and the date? What moves has there been on this side to keep seeing you?

Lol, if I was really into a girl there is absolutely no way I would ever say anything like that to her. I don't think you should wait around.

Hm, interesting point. C is not the most eloquent of guys. Talking is really not his strong point; he has lost JOB OFFERS as a result of misspeaking. o_O

Case in Point: On a dinner date with C, he told me that no matter what happens, he would "treat me like [he] would treat [his] mother or sister." Shocked, I asked him what he meant. He said that even if things did not work out, he would still be there for me if I needed him, and that our friendship would not be damaged. However, to someone who doesn't know him, this just sounds CREEPY.

Thanks for your input!

If a guy says to you that you're "like a sister" I think that means you're in the friend zone. Not good if you want a romantic relationship from it.

Even if he isn't the most eloquent of speakers, he is able to ask you out on another date, and what you would be SEEING is action - him wanting to spend alone time with you, and you'd know by his behaviour and words that he is into you, and you wouldn't have to ask. When a guy knows that you like him, and he feels the same, he will leave zero doubt in your mind about how he feels. He will not let you get away and give you the impression that he is not interested, unless that is the case. When two people have chemistry and want to be together, they will move TOWARD one another at a regular pace- you won't get statistics thrown in your face. You'll get a romantic kiss.

So, what action has HE initiated since that date one month ago?

Actually, maybe I should reconsider. It seems like it worked pretty well. And you're right, that does sound a bit weird. That is another thing I would never say to a girl that I was interested in. You don't compare a woman you are attracted to, to your mother or sister.

I mean this in all seriousness, but are you sure he isn't gay?

 

So what's happened between now and the date? What moves has there been on this side to keep seeing you?

He is most definitely not gay. He just has the idiotic tendency to show interest in women he can't have.

As for moves on his part:

1) C occasionally set up dinners with our mutual best friend at various local restaurants every week, sometimes twice a week.

2) Tried (and failed) to ask me out to that one date; C called me out of the blue to see how things were going, asking me what I was doing over the weekend. When I said that I didn't have plans, I figured he wanted to ask me out, but he did not ask. He hung up soon after and called the MBF immediately, telling him that he "just up asking her out." I ended up asking him a couple of days after after I spoke to the MBF.

3) C drove 2.5 hours in torrential rain to buy ingredients for, and make, desserts at my apartment. I told him over the phone that we could save this for another day, but he said that he promised he would be there to make these (rather unimportant) desserts.

4) Whenever we are in the same room, C always finds a way to sit next to, or nearby me. He'll put his arm around my shoulder (occasionally my waist), especially if there are other guys hitting on me.

5) We held hands on the day I told him how I felt.

And since the day you told him how you felt? Do you feel he's been moving toward you, or pulling back?

Actually, maybe I should reconsider. It seems like it worked pretty well. And you're right, that does sound a bit weird. That is another thing I would never say to a girl that I was interested in. You don't compare a woman you are attracted to, to your mother or sister.

Oh my goodness, thank you! I thought my MBF and I were the only ones who thought it was weird. Nice to have a third-person opinion on this.

And since the day you told him how you felt? Do you feel he's been moving toward you, or pulling back?

I only told him yesterday, and we haven't spoken since then, so it's hard to say...

I will say this, though: When I told him, I *might* have had one too many margaritas in my system. Shortly after I sobered up at around 4 am, I sent him a text saying that although I was pretty drunk when I confessed my feelings, what I told him still holds true. (I would have called, but talking made my head pound even more, haha). He responded with "kk I will keep that in mind." My gut reaction was, * * * ?!, right in line with your earlier comment that he should just KNOW how he feels, as opposed to weighing things out.

Then again, this could be a case of him thinking one thing, but saying it the wrong way.

It looks to me that you are a backup plan for him. If I were you I would leave this scene.

Thing is, he won't ask the other girl out again. It's just hard to gauge whether he's comfortable sticking to being somewhere between "good friend" and "moderately interested," or if he's really just confused.

Thanks for your comment!

@dramallama, Also, I told C that I liked him, but that i wasn't ready for a relationship yet (my last one ended in infidelity on my ex's part) on the one date we went on, and I felt C has gotten closer to me since then. Hopefully that makes the situation clearer, and thanks again for helping me out!

Then don't contact him and see if HE chases YOU to get the ball rolling. He knows that you are into him, so the ball is in his court. It doesn't sound too promising because his indifference is saying it all. What guy responds with "kk" after you've just told him that you're in love with him? I have been there and can see my ex in this guy. Not good. If he wants you, he will go after you. Not so much because he is the guy, but because he knows how you feel and the decision rests on him.

DO NOT pester him for a decision, or try to set up dates or pull the answer out of him, or make it "easier" for him to have you, or because you don't want to face that if you don't chase him, it may not happen. Because if he REALLY wants to be with you, he will take action as well as be clear with his words about having you in his future. If you don't see it, or you have a gut feeling that he isn't into you, then I'm afraid because you have been so hung up on him for such a long time, the only way to get over him is to move on and stop being in touch.

Oh, and "confused" is another way of saying "I'm not that into you." Whether it's a crush or ex boyfriend. Like I said, with love, it is very simple, and if two people are into each other, ESPECIALLY when you've spelt it out and confessed your love, making it very easy for him to date you, they will move TOWARDS one another. It will not be that complicated. Yes, there may be a bit of a dating dance going on, where the woman likes to be chased and the man will chase, but what you will see is reciprication.

Thanks for all your help, dramallama! I think that's what I'll do--resist making contact until he makes a move. Keep up the great advice!

You're welcome, Aegis. And if he wants to be with you, it's not just ONE move that he will make on you. But he will make regular and clear attempts/actions so that you are soon his girlfriend. If that doesn't happen then you MUST move on. Don't settle for being friends otherwise you'll never get over him.

hi - it doesn't sound like he has made any attempt to kiss you yet. that would make me think something isn't quite right here.

Hi, sentient being,

I think he did try a couple of times, but I didn't follow through because I didn't think it was the right time. But I agree with you that there is something weird going on here, and I don't quite know what it is...I am unused to the whole "wait and see what happens" routine, but that think that is the best course of action in this case.

Thanks for your input!