Broke up after he cheated and now I feel lost and alone..

As you may know from reading my other posts...I just broke up with my fiancee.

If you would like the full story, I have a few threads posted under "trust and relationships".

Basically he cheated once...I took him back and we had no problems for a while. However, at the onset of shady behavior...I broke up with him again. I also kicked him out and we have not seen each other in a week. I know that I have evidence that he was doing something behind my back. What and how bad it was I don't know..I'm second-guessing myself because I love him soooooo much and our wedding was only a few months away...I also can't believe that we are in this bad place again after all the positive steps we took forward and how strongly we feel about each other.

He went on vacation (selfishly during a really bad time) and now he's been texting me non-stop...I know that me breaking up with him has ruined his trip and it's killing him inside...but I didn't cave...I only replied once and then went NC. Now the text messages stopped and all of this is really sinking in. I guess I was happy as long as he was chasing me and apologizing...but the bigger issue is that he did something behind my back that he won't admit to and it has ruined everything between us...again.

I'm just really sad..I know I'm doing the right thing but I can't help but hope that we will get back together and live happily ever after and he will change...My heart is telling me to hang on but my brain knows that what he did is inexcusable and I have to respect myself and love myself enough not to let him get away with it.

I'm stuck. I feel torn and I'm taking this really hard...I feel empty without him and I know he feels the same about me..but then why would he risk everything again for some meaningless crap.

Any advice?

I read your posts before and I do believe he is cheating. He's just too suspicious. I was also once in your position and trust me it is hard. I know what its like to hurt so much because you love him and don't want to break up. But at the same time you know the truth and what's making it worse is that he's STILL denying it. The only way any couple can survive cheating is if they can admit it first. And he's not even doing that. I know you just want to take him back and have everything back to the way things were but its never going to happen after him cheating id go no contact until he admits it. Then maybe you guys can talk about what you want to do. But honestly its easier just to break up.

it's clear you know inside what everyone on this post site is going to tell you, as well as what's the right and most self-respectful thing to do at this time. I know it literally is the most difficult thing in the world to do, and i always become very sad even just reading about what people are going through, but after every storm there's a rainbow.

This guy will eventually realize his mistake and will end up with nothing, but you need to stick with No Contact and trust me it helps to think in your head that he obviously is still missing you and having those same thoughts of wanting you back, he's just giving into the depressing mode because he probably has realized too that by contacting you so constantly it's actually making it easier for you to push him away. He's probably not stupid and knows the phrase "you want what you cant get" so hes stepping off now. Trust me you're in his thoughts. Often times people dont cheat because they dont love the person or because its not what they want, it's usually a character flaw and just bad morals..

Please let him go, it will be extremely hard...but the experience will make you stronger and remember that the guy you fell in love with wasnt him. Because the guy you loved would never do that. You don't want the real version of him...

Put on a smile and go meet some real decent guys

Listen to the song "The easy part" it might help! Best of luck.

I agree with SweetKiss althought not that it is easier to break up. It is easier to stay and torment yourself. breaking up is the harder thing to do but usually the best thing.

You are absolutely right that you need to love and respect yourself.

Breaking up is like the other person dying...even though they are still alive - all of your hopes and dreams for the future die...that is hard and the grieving is painful. But out of the ashes of grief you can emerge a stonger woman.

If he can prove to you that he is worthy of your affection, fine...but move on and don't count on him to make things right. if it happens, then so be it...but you have your own life to live and you should not have suffer because he is a cheater.

My ex-husband was a jerk - a fact I knew before we got married...but being to scared to leave, I married him anyway - the worst four years of my life! Do yourself a favor and love yourself more than you love your dreams with him...

Honey, there is no doubt that you did the right thing. I can not imagine how you must feel right now- I just went through a rough patch without boyfriend, and for this to happen with your fiancé must be awful. I'd suggest talking to a counsellor, and close family and friends. You have people who really love you who will be there for you. Try go out some more. Don't get back with him, this guy doesn't sound like Hes going to change at all and you will only be hurt again. It's better that you caught him now, before you're actually married with kids. It will be hard but with the appropriAte support you will be okay. Everyone goes through hardship in their life and I promise you that one day you will find someone who will treat you right.

I agree with SweetKiss althought not that it is easier to break up. It is easier to stay and torment yourself. breaking up is the harder thing to do but usually the best thing.

 

You are absolutely right that you need to love and respect yourself.

 

Breaking up is like the other person dying...even though they are still alive - all of your hopes and dreams for the future die...that is hard and the grieving is painful. But out of the ashes of grief you can emerge a stonger woman.

 

If he can prove to you that he is worthy of your affection, fine...but move on and don't count on him to make things right. if it happens, then so be it...but you have your own life to live and you should not have suffer because he is a cheater.

 

My ex-husband was a jerk - a fact I knew before we got married...but being to scared to leave, I married him anyway - the worst four years of my life! Do yourself a favor and love yourself more than you love your dreams with him...[/QUOTE]

 

What signs did you have prior to marrying him?

And what made you go through with it regardless?

 

I'm very interested to know

Kourtney, he was quick tempered. it started gradually - he would struggle with something and when he repeatedly failed, he would lose it and throw it away or break it. This was in the beginning of our relationship. As we grew closer, he would turn that anger towards me - he never hit me but he would yell, slam doors, give me the silent treatment for days on end. He would sometimes yell at me on the phone when he was at work - in listening distance from his co-workers. Plus he was very rude to his mother - always yelling at her and throwing tantrums.

I went through with the marriage because I was young and naive. I thought things might change after the marriage. Also, my family and I had a falling out so I moved with him to Florida - so then I was alone with him and I didn't have any friends or another form of support group. This is where things really got bad for us. I wanted to get out but my family wasn't talking to me and I was too proud to call it quits.

Plus, I had low self-esteem and didn't think I'd ever meet someone else who'd love me like he did (we had good times and the good times were really good). So, I was afraid of starting over and of being alone. I was also afraid of losing his family who was wonderful to me.

The problems we had prior to marriage only got worse after we were married. It escalated until we were fighting more than not. I could always tell when it would be bad - the sweeter he was in the morning, the worse he would be in the afternoon.

I spent many, many nights crying alone. I gained over 100 pounds and was severly depressed. We moved back to Texas and my family and I reconciled. Shortly after I found an email he had written trying to arrange a "casual encounter" with another woman (this was not the first time I suspected him of cheating). I called him on it and we had a huge fight. i told my dad everything that had happened over the past four years and he told me to pack my bags and move in with them. I left that night and never went back.

It has been three years now. I have been single most of it (with the exception of a 6 mo. relationship about 1.5 years ago). I have lost most of the weight I gained, am single, independent and living life for me. I sometimes struggle with being alone but I have a family who loves me, a huge network of friends and a stronger sense of self-worth. it was a long and tough road and I still have many challenges ahead of me...but that is the gist of it.

You can probably also find some of my old posts from when I was married - I posted here often...this forum was a huge help in getting me through those dark days. Also, feel free to IM me if you would like more details or have any questions, etc.

Hope this helped!

Wow, what a story. You were emotionally abused, no doubt about it. Isn't it funny when you leave that situation, the weight comes off? It seems like the real dead weight was that stupid ex of yours.

Wow, what a story. You were emotionally abused, no doubt about it. Isn't it funny when you leave that situation, the weight comes off? It seems like the real dead weight was that stupid ex of yours.

That is so true - I think I lost thirty pounds in the first few months!

The most amazing thing for me is to see how lucky I was to leave when I did. I have met women married to men who are a lot like my ex. They try to leave but end up going back only to repeat the cycle. I have one friend who has filed for divorce three times but always takes him back based on his "promises" to change. Sure, things are better for a few months but then he goes back to his old ways. She just can't seem to leave him.

I am glad that I was able to leave and stay away. I was tempted to go back a few times, but i resisted. It gets better with time...but in the end I truly believe that it is better to be single and lonely than married and miserable!

Must have been a very challenging time for you but glad you pulled through it and are finally happy...

I'm trying to find the same strength within me...it's definitely hard.

Kourtney, I hope you take this as a harbinger of hope. It's better to be alone and hoping for a partner than married to someone who keeps hurting you.

I agree with Ms. Darcy completely. Also know you aren't alone in this. My fiance.. well ex now cheated on me pretty much throughout the relationship, and did really crappy and shady things behind my back that I had no clue about until the end. I haven't talked to him in 2 months, since the night we broke up. It won't be easy for you, but you need to get away. He won't change, and you deserve someone so much better than that. Whenever you have the urge to contact him, hang out with your family or friends, talk about your problems. That always really helped me. It really does get better in time (I know... we all hate hearing that). It still hurts for me, but I don't think about him as much as I used to, and it doesn't hurt like it did in the beginning. Nothing will hurt like it does in the beginning. So just stay strong!

Would you care to share your story? I'm curious. How did it end? How did you find out? Did you talk to any of the girls (I did ....it was quite painful but also empowering because I realized that he would never do better than me)

How are you holding up now? Did he try contacting you a lot during your 2 months of NC?

I'm starting to get anxiety all the time now. I get anxious leaving the house and socializing with people. It's strange...I've never felt this way before. I've had issues with anxiety before but never THIS bad. Is this normal?

We were together three years, 4 months We never had any problems in our relationship, didn't fight (of course now I also see that he couldn't communicate). I thought things were wonderful, I thought I was so lucky. My parents absolutely loved him, all my friends loved him, and we were pretty much seen as that "perfect couple." Well back in September he got fired from his job. He told me it was for poor job performance. The beginning of October one of my really good friends (who is also friends with him...well was) sent me a message on FB asking me if I knew why K got fired. When I told her what she told me, she said that no he really got fired for stealing and for smoking pot. When I confronted him about it, he denied it at first. Eventually I got it out of him. He was crying and told me how sorry he was and that he had been stealing off an on for a year, just to pay the bills and such. He smoked pot occasionally with friends. Well, I loved him so much so I really wanted to make things work (although this devastated me because never in a million years would I have thought he was capable of that). Then in the beginning of November, he told me he didn't know how he felt about me anymore and he wasn't ready to get married, etc (this was over the phone). I went over there and was going to give him the ring back, but he put it back on my finger and told me he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to try to work things out. Needless to say we broke up a week later because he couldn't tell me he loved me. It was until after we broke up that I found out he was cheating. An old friend of his told me. He had pretty much been cheating on me the whole time...with teenagers...with married women, etc. After we broke up one of the teenagers tried to add me on FB but I blocked her. I haven't talked to any of them. I also found out that he had been stealing as long as he worked there (almost four years ago). He doesn't just smoke pot occasionally... that's all he does when he is with friends, and he sells it too. So we broke up Nov. 18th. I deleted his phone number, got rid of all reminders of him, blocked him from FB, and haven't heard from him since. I do know that he moved off to the other side of the country to be with people he met off XBox.

Well 2 months, later it still hurts, but no where near like it did in the beginning. I didn't eat barely anything for the first 9 days, didn't get out of bed, cried all the time, didn't sleep.Now, I think I'm slowly getting over it. I wouldn't take him back if he was the last guy on earth. I know I love who I thought he was... not who he really is. A part of me absolutely hates him for what he did to me... but one day I hope to feel indifferent. Then I would know I'm really over it. As for the anxiety thing... I didn't have anxiety problems until after the BU. When I tried to go out in public my anxiety got so bad I couldn't breath right. When a salesperson tried to talk to me, I could barely speak and almost freaked out. My mom had to take me out of the mall almost in tears. I ended up going to the doctor and he put me on anti-anxiety medication and that really helped. I can go out and hang out with friends and have a really good time now. I started going to the gym. I also read a lot of self help books on overcoming breakups and whatnot.

Jewels - 2 months is a short time....I remember when I was 2 months out of my marriage - i was a mess. Crying all the time. Thank goodness my dad is a psychologist. He called me every day for a few months to see how I was doing and he talked me through some of the worst of it. It did get better after a while, but I still had "remissions" where I would feel the pain all over again. It has been about 3 or 4 years now and time really does heal all wounds!