Unsure about how to say this...

[saku]

I hesitated writing a topic about this, but here goes. So I'm black and while that isn't really important, it kind of is (contradicting I know) At school, there is this really nice and attractive Japanese girl who I have been talking to a bit. Well...we've done most of our talking through campus email, but only because of schedules and time and stuff.

 

So the semester is over and she went back to Japan and will be back at the end of May. My friend knows her roommate and her roommate knows i like her. I ended up talking to her roommate to ask some questions and stuff and. Her roommate told me she (japanese girl) likes black guys which is great...except she likes black guys a certain way...a certain streotypical way. But I'm not a big fan of hip hop and I really don't like talking in that hip hop lingo because it got really old for me really fast. That doesn't mean i talk all proper and stuff, but i ain't gonna be saying stuff is "crunk" any bloody time either.

 

But basically, she wants a guy that is strong and not exactly shy and humble. I guess it makes sense, but I want to get to know her without compromising myself. I'm not expecting a realtionship with her anytime soon, but I do want to get to know her and she has expressed the same.

 

So I have some ideas of how I want to approach this, but I was hoping for some feedback. I know no one here is a super advice giver, but I will do my best to understand. If anything I said was confusing, I will try to clarify. Thanks in advance.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah,

 

I know what she means about the super hip-hop types! I once visited my best friend in Japan and she made a joke about the bad boy hip hoppers - I thought she was joking until we hit the clubs and lo' - there was a gang of Japanese guys geared out like Akon and his crew Don't get me wrong, they were nice guys - it's just that they were dressed very OTT in an RnB/Hip Hop music video sense. From what I gather from the Japanese culture, what they know of the Western scene is that it is the sterotypical things that attract them - they are a very colourful culture after all! This is just my view, btw.

 

I think you should just be yourself, I mean ask her what she likes in a guy, be natural. Spend time with her when you see her and let whatever happens, happen. Impress her with things that come from you, not from what her friend has said she wants. And it's much better to be the strong and slient type, than someone who's oozing manilness trying to be "bad" all the time!

[Locke2121]

So....I think what your saying is she wants the MTV black player/gangster, grill and all, and your more VH1, Boyz II Men "I'll make love to you" kinda guy?

[Mavis VDSande]

So....I think what your saying is she wants the MTV black player/gangster, grill and all, and your more VH1, Boyz II Men "I'll make love to you" kinda guy?

 

That's really made my day!

[Batya33]

It sounds like she is a person who stereotypes and who has very specific types when it comes to dating based on stereotypes. I would be cautious about getting involved with a person like that beyond casual acquaintances.

[saku]

lol, i'm certainly not the boyz II men either...honestly, I like billy joel's "tell her about it." it's not white, it's not black, it's just real music.

 

But she's pretty open minded and all. Her facebook is a variety of things that is very awe inspiring. Hell, she's even skydived before in Hawaii!

 

So when she came back, I wanted to ask her if she wanted to talk by the campus lake. She said she wanted to improve her English skills during the summer and i thought maybe I could help a little. She said she liked nature and the lake is very serene and all. I thought maybe we could snack on some carrots and yogurt...and then the reality sunk in that not many black guys do stuff like that.

 

But yeah I like the strong and silent type approach. I'm just glad though that i'm not too worried about this though...whatever happens, happens I suppose right?

[Locke2121]

Why shouldn't black guys do stuff like that??? Who cares if your black, white, blue or pink? Just do WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!

 

And the old cliche still goes...if she can't like you for you, then maybe she isn't the right one for you.

[Mavis VDSande]

Why shouldn't black guys do stuff like that??? Who cares if your black, white, blue or pink? Just do WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!

 

And the old cliche still goes...if she can't like you for you, then maybe she isn't the right one for you.

 

Agree!! And also there may be aspects of her that she hasn't shown others. Just by spending time together you'll both soon know whether you want to pursue something or not. Good luck!

 

Ps are you sure you're not worried about your own race/identity? I don't mean that in a racist way, but are you worried about how her being Japanese and you being Black will sit? Especially when your username sounds kinda Japanese.

[saku]

Yeah my user name was the first japanese name I ever made up for a story I wrote...at least i thought it was a made up name.

 

I'm just worried about people only seeing my race but not the inside of me. I mean yeah, it's understandable, but...lol I'm sorry i'm not sure what I'm trying to really say here.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are the one with issues about your race and are manufacturing these stereotypes - I scratched my head when I read that sitting by a lake munching on carrots is not something that Black people do. Huh??

[saku]

okay not black people...guys in general. You have to agree it doesn't exactly convey manliness. But yeah, I question if I am black enough sometimes...it's wrong but I do it.

 

But anyway, I forgot to mention, I thought about the other day about confidence. that diggity dogg guy on here wrote something about how guys should approach girls. As much as I tried, I didn't understand nor like some of the things he was saying, because i don't think it can apply to every guy. i mean I'm sure it works for him, but still...

 

Anyway, I was feeling pretty down when I realized something. Me and her had sent alot of emails to each other since March. Writing is my passion, but I also hide behind my writing. When she comes back from Japan, I want to tell her that I want to talk more face to face rather than behind a computer. I am going to take the emails and i am going to tear them up in half in front of her. The emails are like a wall that I hiding behind, and when she sees me making an effort to tear down that wall, maybe ( don't know for sure) she will see my willingness and confidence to get to know her. I realize that is a bit dramatic, so I'll try to clarify anyhting if need be.

[Batya33]

No need to be dramatic - simply call her and say I am calling because I would prefer to communicate by phone or in person. She likely will be concerned if she sees that you printed out the emails.

 

And, I disagree with your generalizations- you might want to think twice about dating someone from another race given your decision to generalize on the basis of race - it will only be worse with someone of a different race

[saku]

Thanks, but I have to do it this way instead of calling her. i mean, maybe you're right....but I can't keep making assumptions with every proposal I make. She once told me this was one of her favorite quotes: Don't use the telephone. People are never ready to answer it. Use poetry" I agree with that quote...talking over the phone is so frustrating especially when you have somethng important to say.

 

Yes what I'm doing is dramatic, but it is also a first for me. I want to experience this in my life and I will take responsiblity for any consequences it may bring. Maybe guys like diggity dogg are experts and stuff, but I still know my heart and feelings better than anyone else.

 

And yeah, I have my concerns about my race....just like I have my concerns with wearing boxers or briefs. I have to move forward.

[Batya33]

Everyone has concerns about many things - my concern is your emphasis on generalizations about gender and race - you seem to be focused on that and it seems a bit self-absorbed.

 

As far as phone - I meant that if you cannot ask her out face to face the phone is a good alternative. Printing out e-mails and showing her that you did sounds like a very sabotaging act on your part -- my guess is you want to confirm your concerns about race and gender so that you don't have to take the step of actually going on a date.

 

Knowing your heart and feelings are great but when it comes to friendships and dating, how you react to and act on those feelings is very important. You might feel like screaming to someone you just met how much you love them because that is in your heart, but in order to make the other person comfortable and not overwhelm them, you choose not to react to your feelings that way.

 

In this case, it sounds like you are prioritizing the "experience" over what would make her most comfortable - most people would be very uncomfortable with the approach you are planning to take but it sounds like doing it in this dramatic way is more important to you than how she will react or feel - a bit selfish, no?

 

I understand she said "use poetry" but since you don't know her well you have no idea what that really means to her or if it means she would like the dramatic gesture you are planning. If you knew her well that would be another thing entirely.

[OnBrokenWings]

I think that if a guy I cared about (or any guy for that matter) printed out the emails that we had written and tore them to pieces, telling me that he wanted more face to face interactions I would probably either react in a very positive way and find it sweet that he wanted to see me more often no matter the cost and really get to know me, or I would feel scared because it would make me feel like I myself had personally failed, or I might think that you felt like all our previous interactions were unimportant or unsatisfactory. I don't know what this girl is like though, so I shouldn't be the judge.

 

Also, as a girl I would like to tell you this, though we may sometimes say we want a certain thing (Krunky McKrunk, for example) that would usually mean a loud, overconfident, and possibly even womanizing man, it is merely a dumb fantasy and not what any girl I have met truly wants. Regardless of race, we want a sweet, caring guy who will be there for us and tell us we're beautiful. From what it sounds like, you really care about this girl and that's what matters. She probably already knows that you have feelings for her, or suspects it at the very least, and since she is not running away from you but inviting you to continue interacting with her, there's a good chance she likes you too or considers you a good enough friend to not be frightened away. I wish you best of luck, and I hope you won't let what you think she wants get you down. I really think you should just be whoever you are, and she'll appreciate that instead having you trying to act like something you're not and few people really are.