Inside the head of the arcane pragmatist

[comfyshoes]

Writing helps me to get things out. I'm not much a one for talking about me.

This forum has provided an outlet for me in that respect. I've had some very helpful advice in the time i have been posting here, but for the most part my posts have been self pitying, woe is me type stuff.

 

I don't make friends easily. I've come to realise that a lot recently. Maybe i just try to hard?

 

There is something wrong inside myhead right now and i can't quite get to the bottom of it. It's not for the want of trying.

 

I'm tired right now after my nightshift so my first entry has been somewhat shortened. I'd like to make friends here. Is putting my inner most thoughts out there for the world to see the way to go about it?

 

It remains to be seen if i can sustain this journal thing and give it the effort that i want to. I'm gonna give it my best shot.

 

I'm confused, low and full of nervous energy and i don't know why.

[comfyshoes]

4.15 am and another three and half hours of work to go.

Being makes me realise a lot. I am well respected by my colleagues, both personally and professionally.

I can take my mind off of most things when i am here but my stomach gets nervous when it comes to going home in the morning.

 

I'm working my way through things fairly well. Tuesday evenings are when i see my therapist. It's been six months now and i think i am finally starting to see the rewards. It's become the oasis in my week. I leave there feeling good about myself most times. Usually she has to squeeze stuff out of me as i don't really like to talk about me, but last night i think i kinda blew her hair back!

 

I went in, sat down and started talking. I didn't stop for the full hour i was there. There is so much going on for me right now. I have familly problems (more about that at a later date), there are some big things going on at work, one of my very good friends is going through a marriage breakdown. All this is on top of the fact that i am still plagued by the thoughts of my ex.

 

I think that's enough for tonight. And i never know how safe it is to be using the hospital computers for this kinda thing!

 

right now i'm feeling relaxed, appreciated and a little more confident about myself.

[comfyshoes]

So much for keeping this thing up to date.

 

I can't get her out of my head right now.

I'm in bad, self pitying place.

I dream of her all the time. Even in my dreams she ends up tossing me away.

 

I've been a pain in the butt on here too.

 

Makes me laugh reallly.

I look at my signature and then at the things i post. It's all about me. I don't offer advice, i just recount my story.

Maybe i just want someone to tell me that i did nothing wrong.

Maybe i know it was all my fault.

Who'd want to be in a relationship with a jealous idiot with no self esteem and questionalbe looks anyway?

 

I had to pick me the smart, funny, pretty girl. I had to fall for her. I knew all along she'd find someone better than me.

She traded me in for a younger, slimmer, prettier model. She doesn't have my smarts, but she can learn from books i guess.

 

I'm at work. The dark thoughts are creeping into my head again. I handed over the drug keys to my colleague to take the temptation out of my path.

 

 

I'm sorry for ranting on in the forums. I'm sorry for forcing my story on people.

I'm sorry for forcing myself on people.

I just so f*****g lonley right now and i have no idea how to make friends anymore.

 

I am crying now for the first time in months.

 

I know there will be bad times like this.

I wonder if i could have myself hypnotised and erase all traces of her from my mind?

 

 

ah well.

 

tomorrow is another day, maybe it will be better.

 

does anyone read this anyway, or havre i scared everyone away with my pathetic loser behaviour.

[comfyshoes]

can't stop crying.

keep trying to convince myself that feeling like this is just a hormonal cycle

if i hang in there it will be better in a couple of days

so tired of being alone

so tired of the headaches

so tired of life right now

 

spent the entire day in bed again

it would appear that i really only get out of it to go to work these days

i have everything to live for

i just can't be bothered

 

my sister will be here in a few days

i'll get to put on my brave face and have fun with her

and bawl my eyes when when she leaves

 

seem to spend much of my time fighting back tears these days

breaking down in the middle of the super market for no good reason

 

i wonder if this is hormonal

i wonder if there is anything the doctor can do

 

i don't know how much longer i can live in this cycle

have the strength to keep pulling myself through

i've shown time and time again that i am a weak person

 

head hurts from the screen now

eyes hurt from crying

heart hurts from living

[comfyshoes]

no sleep last night. not a wink

still in bed

trying to sleep

 

house is a wreck

my sister is coming tomorrow

she's gonna freak when she sees the place

it'll be nice to have some company

[comfyshoes]

3am again and wide awake

got so stressed out about the state of my house today that i stayed in bed all day and watched movies.

yeah

sis is really gonna freak when she gets here tomorrow

she'll chew my a** and help my sort it out

we'll go out and have some fun

probably by then this mood will have passed

i'll fell better and wonder how i can get my house into such a wreck in only a few days

i'll make all kinds of bold statements about going to the doctor to get my hormone issues sorted out

i'll feel great for a few weeks and cope well with everything

then it'll creep up on me again

and the whole thing will start over

[comfyshoes]

everything i am feeling is down to her. my little drop of rain.

the sadness i feel. the emptiness i feel. how alone i feel.

this time it doesn't seem to be part of a hormonal cycle, i can't pull myself out of this one.

 

i'm back to asking a colleague to hold the drug keys at work. i doubt i would do anything rash, but i need to remove the temptation from my path.

 

she won't leave me alone. not in any physical way.

she is in almost every waking thought i have. she haunts my dreams. everywhere i look, a reminder of her.

 

i put on the front and i face the world.

 

inside i'm dying.

 

 

i love her so very much. she has moved on.

 

i try to be strong and tell myself that there is no way i caould ever trust her or be with her again. i'd cut off my right arm to have her back.

 

i don't know who 'me' is anymore.

 

i gave myself to her. completely.

 

i hold this tiny little bit of hope in my heart that she will call me someday, tell me she wants me back.

i am nothing but a fool to myself.

she has all but told me that i have no part in her life.

 

i have to rebuild mine

 

i don't know how.

 

Lluvia, if you read this,

know i love you with all my heart and soul.

i would hold you safe in my arms until the end of time.

the sunsets, the stars, the birds, the waves

they are all meaningless without you to share them

 

i wish you could see that there is nothing that we could not have worked through.

you know she is only going to break your heart all over again.

i know how that feels.

when she does, the chances are that i will be here with arms wide open, waiting to break your fall, to pick you up and rebuild you once again.

that's just the kind of person i am.

and i love you.

i forgive you.

i miss you.

remember the list that you wrote?

it's all still there.

[comfyshoes]

this is a living hell!

 

i reach a place, every no and then where i feel i can go on, move forward and one day think fondly of the time we spent together.

 

and then i fall from that place and i'm back here. she is in my every thought.

 

i hate myself for feeling this way. it proves she was right. i am a weak person. i have no self esteem. i am pathetic and needy.

 

help me?

[comfyshoes]

can't sleep today.

maybe because it's such a beuatiful day outside.

or maybe because my head is still spinning from the conversation that we had a work last night which just shocked me to my very core.

it moved me enough to make me put my hand through the wall. it was either that or the guy's skull.

 

in his eyes there is no difference between homoexuality and paedophilia, that he is entitled to his opinion and i had no reason to be angry.

 

i am shocked that i have to work with such ignorant people in this day and age.

 

he fails to see that what he said may(??????) cause offence.

why would i be offended by what he was saying unless it was true?

 

aye

[comfyshoes]

i just feel as if i' mon the fringes of everything.

i try to join in but, for the most part, i am ignored.

 

i feel left out.

maybe it is all about me after all.

 

i am the thread killer coo coo cachoo

[comfyshoes]

what's the point?

 

anybody know?

 

empty

 

done in

 

had enough

[comfyshoes]

spent 2 hours erasing evry photograph of her, of us, of the places we had been, the things we had shared from my computer.

it was heartbreaking.

i looked so happy. she looked so happy. we looked so happy.

goes to prove that appearances can be deceptive.

 

i can't wait to get home from work so i can take off the public face and just break down and cry.

 

one picture of us, taken by her son will be forever imprinted on my mind.

i have my memories. i wish i didn't.

i put her back together again for someone else to reep the benefits of the end product and i sarifced myself in the process.

 

she doesn't think of me. she doesn't care about me.

 

i wish i could forget her.

i guess when i love, i love completely and it'll take me forever more to get over the love of my life.

 

so sad and alone right now, it would be so easy to just let go of my self control and take the final step.

 

so very sad and alone

[comfyshoes]

Another saturday where i haven't bothered to get out of bed.

i know that part of that is the depression. i really just don't care.

 

i'm * * * *ting myself for this doctor's appointment on monday.

for some weeks now my therapist has hinted at borderline personality disorder. we talked last week about her contacting my GP about things we had discussed.

i have resisted the urge to do the internet self dignosis thing, after all, i could diagnose myself with anything i really wanted to.

what scares me most is that i may have been the one responable for the repeated breakdown of the realtionship after all.

i was sure i could see many characteristics of histrionic personality in her. i am a trained mental health nurse after all. i can see the signs! not in myself clearly.

maybe there are personlity disorder issues on both sides and it was a train wreck waititng to happen right from the start.

maybe i had her all wrong. maybe that is how normal people behave. maybe it's all about me after all. i'm the one with the problem.

 

i'll know soon enough. maybe it will be good to have a label, a name for what it is that is wrong with me.

this could destroy my career. i packed in the mental health aspect of my job some time ago, but still working as a nurse.

would you want a nurse that has been diagnosed with a borderline psychosis looking after you?

 

i'm scared

[comfyshoes]

i'm digging this old chestnut up again as it's 4.30 in the morning and i think it's safe to say i'm having a bit of a crisis.

 

just been and checked out her myspace for the first time in what feels like forever.

 

not a smart thing to do.

i would say that i've shot myself in the foot, but it feels more like i've blown my entire f***ing leg off. only that would be less painful to deal with right now.

short of picking up the phone and calling samaratins, i really don't know what else to do. if i don't get a grip of this soon i just know the dark thughts will come creeping back into this messed up head of mine.

 

why does my happiness, my life still revolve around getting her back??

i love her. still.

 

reading about all the things that she has done in the last six weeks with each of the 2 women in her life, things that i have paid for as it should have been me that was there with her has just ripped a new wound wide open. it's been made worse by all the lies and nasty things that she has said about me while romancing these women aroung the USA on my buck!

 

it's clear to see that this woman is not worthy of what i have to offer, yet she still has a hold over my happiness. i can't move on.

she has made it quite clear that there is no place for me in her life. i have no choice but to respect that. it would get me nowhere to get in contact with her anyway.

 

i know i cannot go on living like this. it will wear me down eventually. it feels like the best thing to do right now would be to lie down and accept that i am quite unwell and let them tale me away to a place where i can start to get better. there are better people than me that have been there and came out the other side.

 

i keep taking the medication and seeing the therapist, but nothing seems to be helping much anymore. someties it just feels liek utting the fat end of a gun in my mouth would be the easiest way out.

 

this is the only place (well, it comes up in my therapists office) that i voice such feelings. noone that i work with and no member of my family or close friends could tell you that this is how i am feeling. i put on the face and i go through the daily routine.

 

inside i'm dying.

[comfyshoes]

seems i only write here now when i'm totally at a loss.

last time i did so, i had taken a baseball bat to most of the breakable contents of my house. there's really nothing left to break.

 

why can't i move on past this? why do a still love the woman that destryed me time after time? why do i still hope she will come back?

 

right now i would do anything to stop feeling this way. anything.

[comfyshoes]

i'm getting so very tired of myslef and my complete inability to move on past this.

it's like i need to know the 'whys' before i can let go.

she is with another woman now, and clearly very much in love with her. she has no place for me in her life. why can't i accept that?

 

a dear friend said to me recently that the only problem with the fact that i wanted her back was the brick wall in my way. the wall being that she does not want me back. why am i stil looking for ways to get round over that wall??

 

i ofetn get to believing that my refusal to believe that we will never be together again is the fact that we broke up so many time before and we always got back together. but she has a new girlfirend this time.

 

i keep thinking back to the final break up and wondering if it really was all my fault.

my jealousy was always given as the reason for it. she stopped loving me because of my jealousy.

was it wrong of me to become jealous when she would flirt with women all the time? she would constantly flirt in chat rooms. she sent people semi naked photos of herself, would make sexually suggestive comments etc.

was i really so wrong in being jealous of that?

and then her ex girlfriend. the way she would talk to her. she actually told me that they had sexually inapropriate conversations on the phone and that the ex told her that if she ever had an affair with anyone it would be with her.

 

i gave this woman everything i was capable of giving. physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. nothing was enough it would seem.

 

she has written hurtful and untrue things about me on her myspace page (which i have now blocked access to from my computer, thanks Newo!)

ok, so you don't love me but don't tell lies about me. don't mock my britished reservedness, my sentimental nature that you once claimed to love. don't tell people that i mistreated you, when you walked all over me. don't tell people that i made you supress your sexual identity because i could not express mine. you were the one that wanted the label.

you mocked me for looking butch but being soft and gentle as a person. you wanted that for yourself. you wanted to control me. and now it's all different. you want to be the femme in the short skirts with long flowing locks.

 

i really should hate her, but i honestly think that i am incapable of that emotion. or all emotions as you would tell me.

love you or hate you (for now, it's still the first) it means i still feel something for you and i can never more on with my life until i feel nothing at all.

tell me how you did it, please.

tell me how you went from telling me i was the only woman that you would ever love, that you would grow old with me, watch sunsets with me 'til the end, to telling her the same stories in a matter of a few weeks.

 

the first gift i gave her was an atlas (she thought scotland was an island) with the inscription "until i can give you the world".

i gave her the world and she took it and decided there was no room for me in it any longer.

 

i want her back. until i stop loving the image i have of her, that little bit of hope will remain.

[comfyshoes]

so,

 

it's coming up on a year now. in the next few weeks it will be a year since i got on that plane and left her life.

 

we had broken up in february of last year, had LC for three months. then she calls and tells me that she misses me so very much, that there is noone out there that compares to me, can i forgive her?

 

like a fool, i did. we spoke every day up to spetember when i took six weeks off work to go spend with her. make or break time.

i told her on the very first night i was there that she should let me know if she had any doubts and i would leave right away as i couldn't live through all the pain again.

all the words and physical contact made me sure that she was for real this time round.

 

after about 10 days there, i found text messages from her ex. messages that you don't just share with friends. the ''til we can be together forever, all my love" kind of messages. when i confronted her, she told me it was nothing, that the ex had boundry issues.

she told me she loved me. had never loved anyone but me. i told her then that i was leaving, getting the first flight home that i could.

she begged me to stay, to let her prove her love for me, to give us time to adjust to being together again. i stayed.

 

fast forward a week or so later and i can feel the tension between us.

she starts chewing me out for silly little things. i left the fridge door open while i put milk in my tea. i got the bathroom floor wet while taking a shower. i didn't close the window all the way.

 

we had the most mind blowing sex ever. she turned to me and said "this isn't working for me. i don't love you the way that you love me."

i got up and got dressed and went to leave. again she begged me to stay so that we might work something out. i slept on the couch that night after much talking and me booking a flight home for two days later.

 

i was wakened by a tearful 5 year old in the morning asking why i wasn't in bed with his mom. she wanted me to tell him, but i made her tell him.

the kid wouldn't let me go. she had to drag him out the door to go to school. breaking his little heart, he made me promise that i would still call him.

 

by the time she got home from her cleasses, i was packed and ready to go. she wouldn't lift her head to look at me in the car as we drove to the motel.

as she helped me take my bags to my room, i told her that if i did this i would be dead to her and she to me. we kissed and she left.

 

 

i had no contact with her for a few weeks until i found something that i had taken the kid to buy her for her birthday in my bag.

i sent a text to let her know to expect it in the mail.

when she got it, she started texting me frequently, telling me that she missed me with all her heart and she was so very sorry for the way she kept hurting me.

 

by this time i was seeing a therapist and taking medication. she promised to do the same to find out why she kept doing this to me. breaking up and asking me to take her back.

 

we talked almost every day for about six weeks and she asked me to take her back. said she was scared to ask, but couldn't stop herself.

 

ever the fool, i did.

we started to make palns for the summer. my last here before i moved to the US. just waiting for the paperwork.

we talked like lovers all over christmas. she left her parents early at new year to get back home so we could talk more freely.

i held her up all over that time when the child was with his father. we made plans for this christmas, to go to florida while the kid was with his dad.

 

she made a solomn promise to me that she would quit going into chat rooms and flirting because she knew how much it hurt me.

i got a text one morning, january 6th telling me she ahd been flirting in the chatroom and that she was very sorry.

when she spoke to me that nihgt, she asked if i was angry. i told her more disappointed than angry.

i went on to explain why it hurt me that she would do this to me again.

she told me that my reasons made her just want to give up, that my jealousy was killing her.

 

heard nothing the next day until i got a text saying she would call when i got back from my therapy session.

her voice was quiet and guarded on the phone that night. she asked if i had a good day, said we needed to talk.

i knew then that was it. i asked if this was the end. she told me it was.

i begged and pleaded. she told me a little story about her day and told me that this was good bye forever.

 

we have spoken only twice since then. we exchanged text messages for a while.

she has been to visit the ex several states away and told her that she has some stuff to do before they can be together forever.

 

she now has a new girlfriend. 15 years her junior, again from several states away. they met online.

last weeks visit to myspace told me that they had now met in person and that they plan to be together happily ever after.

 

 

and here i am. a year down the line. still holding on. still in love with her and unable to believe that we will not be together again someday.

 

 

reading some post on here has helped me to realise that my jealousy was NOT a bad reaction to her flirting, that the problem is really hers with her constant need to flirt and for attention.

 

i wonder what hold she has over me. there are days i feel dead inside. i fight the urge to contact her often.

all this depsite the things she has posted about my on her myspace. (where i will no longer go). it makes me think that i am still on her mind in some way. she mentions gifts i bough her fondly, talks of places i took her fondly.

it's all so very confusing.

 

i honestly do not believe that she is gone from my life forever.

i know come may, she will be finished with school and leaving that town. i will then have no way of contacting her. something inside is nagging at me.

 

 

 

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

I need to hide

in you...

 

But you're not there.

 

Your own life has made demands on you,

taken so much of you from me.

You try to let me know

I'm still thought of...

 

Somewhere in your chaos.

 

Once upon a time,

I used to have

so much of you,

now i am a dog...

 

Begging for scraps.

 

I feel as if walls

are closing in on me.

Yet your love encircles,

entwining, binding...

 

My soul to you.

 

Forever will i wait for you

to return wholly to me.

This is just a breach

in my wall of patience.

 

I love you.

 

 

 

 

i hace great volumes of poems like this that i have written.

i have this urge, this need to send them to her.

they are only words, but words are how we came together. time after time.

she said that noone's words will ever reach her the way that mine have done. that noone compares in that respect.

 

i'm all at sixes and sevens.

 

 

any thoughts?

[comfyshoes]

i'm scared to say it, but it may fin`lly be sinking into my thick head that there is no way that me and her will ever be together again. in fact it is unlikely that we will ever even talk again.

she finishes school in 6 months and is free to move wherever she wants. i will have no way of contacting her. that's probably a good thing. she has her girlfriend some 15 years her junior. i can't compete with that. i'm ready for the quiet life.

i still have feeling for her. i think i always will.

the urge to contact her is strong. i now that some of the poems i have posted here would bring her back to me.

i think she is trolling the poetry forum that i post on. someone there is claiming that the poems are their work. she is the only person that would have seen most of them before. and the username seems oh too familiar.

i'm the one accused of stalking.

she claims to be happy with the boi child. why does she still hang onto me?

[comfyshoes]

why does she insist in trying to prove that i am crazy.

how i wish i could have her sat in the therapists chair for a while and have them label her.

not that she'd accept that there was anything wrong with her.

 

i'm getting so sick and tired of myself for dwelling on this.

the days i fight it are good, but the downers catch me up.

just spent two days in bed hiding from the world. i have proabably got myself into big trouble too by failing to turn up for jury selection this morning.

 

maybe i just don't care about stuff like that any more

[comfyshoes]

maybe i am crazy.

maybe it would be easier to sin into oblivion than to fight this on a daily basis.

 

i just don't know any more

[comfyshoes]

yet another armchair epiphany

 

today is the day i get on with things.

 

i have decided!

 

i can't go on dwelling on this * * * * forever.

 

she's doesn't want me and i have no reason to want her.

 

she thinks i'm crazy and i think she's crazy.

 

i don't have it in me to hate, so i have to let go.

 

she'll be gone from where she lives in about six months, so she'll be gone from where i can reach her.

 

kinda bothers me that she gets to finish an education that i helped to finance and then swan off into the sunset with her 21 year old boi.

 

that's just how life is sometimes.

[comfyshoes]

time for a rant on another subject for a change.

i have nowhere else to let this out really.

 

the first thing that has been bothering me for a few weeks now, is whay has someone that i consider a friend suddenly stopped communicating with me?

totally ignoring me? i wish i knew what i had done wrong.

 

 

and the thing that really has me going now. family stuff. kept me awake all of last night and crying for most of today.

 

i have a week off from work. that is unusual for me as i normally work overtime to try to reduce the debt load as much as i can.

 

i am getting a really hard time from my family for not going home to visit them during my days off.

 

it has been six months since i was home. i think that the perfectly reasonable explanation behind this is how very unsettling it has been for me while i have dealt with the depression of the last year.

 

so many little things are getting on top of me at the moment.

i cancelled a vaction i had planned in August as my sister HAD to have me try on bridesmaid dresses. that never gets mentioned, noone sees the compromises and sacrifices that i make.

i think it's well know to everyone here that i am lesbian. when we talked first about me being bridesmaid for my sister, she told me that i would not be made to wear anything i was not comfortable in. six months later i am wearing a pink dress. the other bridesmaids like it so i have to wear it too.

 

i have put on weight recently due to new medication to stop me form losong my mind entirely. i was told that the dress was bought and paid for and asked if i had done it on purpose to ruin the wedding photographs. when i asked if the dress was more important than my mental health, i was told to stop being so f***ing selfish!

 

i can't stop crying at the moment to remember all of the details. text messages from my sister over the past few days have basically told me that i am selfish and that everyone has had enough of the "depression routine". that's the thing. not once have i asked for any support from my family since the break up (ok, they came and picked me up at the airport when i flew back). even on the journey back from Manchester, the cover story was invented as to why i had returned home so early. at no point was i allowed to say that i had broken up with my lesbian lover of 4 years.

for 6 weeks i was at my parents last year, i had to walk around with a smile on my face while i was dying inside.

 

not one member of my family has ever engaged me in a conversation about i feel about the break up. when i bring it up, the subject is swiftly changed.

 

i took my sis to New York for her birthday this summer. it seemed a nice idea to spend some girly time together. when i tried to open up to her i was just shut off.

 

anyway, i'm losing the thread a bit here. can;t see through the tears to type.

 

to those who listen to my rants in this forum, i thnak you.

you really are the only refuge that i have it would seem.

faceless names on an internet forum.

that is my life.

a lot to show for 32 years.

[comfyshoes]

and the hits just keep om coming.

 

the conclusion has been reached that i am a psycho.

 

old Jewish saying i remember - "when seven people tell you you are sick, lie down"

 

the seventh person told me today.

 

i will lie down now and accept that i am the problem.

 

it is too obvious to ignore now.

 

having blamed my ex for all my woes, it's clear that was only the catalyst and that she was correct in her judgement of me.

 

current family tensions also indicate that i am the problem.

 

so, through these psychotic eyes and clouded and uwell mind, i accept the blame.

 

it is all about me, but not in the way i thought.

 

hang tight, good people and let this be an example of how not to live your life.

 

adieu.

[comfyshoes]

how long do i have to feel like this.

every word exchanged makes me feel more and more worthless.

support no longer comes from the places it used to.

more and more each day, i go through this on my own.

it's very hard not to feel like i am nothing more than a hinderance to everyone.

what do i have to offer any more?

nada.

looking for reasons to carry on has become a daily task. after my sisters wedding in March, i got nothing. no good reason for me to go on.

it's all about other people. always is.

thiopentone

pancuronium

potassium chloride