What am I supposed to do now?

[sohigh]

Hi all,

 

I haven't posted here since last time I met up with my ex. (Background: we dated for a year and we broke for 6 months now.) Ever since the time we saw each other in March, we haven't had any contacts until now. Last thursday, I sent him a message telling him that I miss him. The next day, he replied and tried every other possible way to get in contact with me i.e. email, text and phone calls. So finally we spoke that night and he told me that he misses me and still has a lamp that i made for his birthday. And I asked him why he still has it and he replied that he can't take it down!!! That just messes my mind so much...I just don't understand why he said that to me knowing that i still have feelings for him. I mean i know that he has feelings for me too but he seems that he's holding back.

 

Anyways, we met up for lunch again yesterday and we had a great time. Fast forward to the same night, he called and basically told me that he wants to try again but then he can't. Not because of other women or anything (well, according to him) but he just needs to focus on himself. He said that he wants to give me 100% but he just can't do it now. He's 28 years old and he's been struggling with his job because it is super stressful and it doesn't seem that it's working out for him.

 

Sorry about the long post...i tried to summarize as much as I can. So now, I really don't know what I should do or feel anymore. I love him wholeheartedly but then I really want to figure out the best way for both of us. Also, i have been going on dates and meeting people but everytime i do that, i will think of him more. Please help!

[andy5128]

Hi Ya

This guy sounds somewhat confused! It's unfair for him to keep you hanging on aswell. I know you must love him, I love my ex.. Sometimes though it's best to love and leave and when they are truly ready and your paths meet who knows what may happen.

At this stage if you are comfortable with your feelings and are happy to continue casual get togethers then go for it, just dont put your hopes up as I did that recently and then it comes shattering down if you are not careful. Maybe be straight with him, if he suggests he wants to try again but cant then obviously he doesnt as its either he does or he dont not i do but I cant! Ask him why he wants to try again and what it is that means he cant and is this something you can both work on if you want to make it work. Just stay on the side of caution in case you get hurt is all I would say. If you are unsure on all of this and are having doubts NC is the way to go..

Andy

[frances]

my situation is very similar to yours. me and my ex were together for a year and now it's 6 months since the breakup. the difference is that my ex has not come to the conclusion that he wants to try again, even though i know (well i'm pretty sure) that he still have feelings for me.

 

i also feel the same thing as you about dates, maybe it works in the long run in order to move forward but during the dates it's just painful.

 

i think you should continue seeing him, casually, and then he will maybe change his mind. that's what i would like to do with my ex but it seems like he is not ready for it, and maybe he will not ever be ready. he can't be casual around me and is acting cold and nervous so it's difficult to hang out

[lady00]

I think "I want to try again but can't," is just another way of saying "I don't want to try again right now." If he really wanted to try again, he would. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think that is what he's saying. Maybe give it some more time, more casual contact and having fun together and then maybe he will come around.

[Puckdog27]

I think "I want to try again but can't," is just another way of saying "I don't want to try again right now." If he really wanted to try again, he would. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think that is what he's saying. Maybe give it some more time, more casual contact and having fun together and then maybe he will come around.

 

Or maybe he is saying I love you but my life is in a bad way right now, and I know that the other issues I have will complicate things and I am afraid I will then lose you forever?

 

We dont know what it means. Only he does.

 

Keep things casual. The upside is he seems interested and you are in his life. If he says these things and dates others then slam the door shut.

[sohigh]

Thanks for all of your replies...

 

I actually told him that I am not sure if I can handling talking to him without knowing if he's genuinely want to try again. So I kinda brought up that it's probably better not to talk to each other again because it's just way too difficult. But then he got upset that he doesn't want us not to talk ever again? I don't know...I feel like he can't commit 100% but then he can't let me go. He mentioned that he thought he has moved on but not really. I am so torn right now...

[reasonablegirl]

Well, instead of telling him that you and he cannot speak ever again, why not tell him that you understand that he is under pressure and that he needs to focus on himself. In order to allow him to do that, you are going to go on with your life and not include him right now. You'll check in with him in a couple months to see how he is doing but, in the meantime, you are going to focus on your life and being happy. If you are both free in a couple months and want to try again, you'd be happy to give it a shot but you're not going to put your life on hold while he gets himself together.

 

This lets him know that you (1) understand that he doesn't want the pressure and responsibility of a relationship right now; (2) you aren't mad at him about it and you are not cutting him out of your life completely; and (3) you are a single and independent woman who is going to go and live her life and be happy.

 

It also lets him know that you have no intention of waiting for him so he shouldn't take forever to get whatever he thinks he needs to do completed.