Is my boyfriend gay?? Someone please help me

[emililly]

Awww, I guarantee you that, no matter what, your whole relationship has not been a lie. This guy loves you. His support for you during your depression and trauma was real. My ex helped me through a hard time as well, and for that, I will always love him. Worse case scenario - you find out that he is gay or bi, decide to break up, work it out, and get a life-long friend out of it. I promise.

[Malapuella]

I have been dating a great guy for almost a year. We have common interests, and he is very sweet and loving. He tells me contantly that I am beautiful.

 

However, the one thing that has me baffled, is that he seems preoccupied with gay men. He will mention it an any conversation or scenario. We were discussing a musical group of attractive women. He commented that they probably wouldn't be so successful if they were 3 gay men. He was talking with a friend of mine about databases available on the internet for any demographic you want. Such as if you were looking for gay men with German Shephards, there is a databse for that. He bought some undewear on the internet, and commented about seeing some with the rainbow band, and that gay men probably order a certain type. He was excited about interviewing for a job in a motorcycle repair place, and said that if he gets it, he's going to kiss someone, and smiles as he said it better not be a big burly guy with a bone in his nose and leather chaps. (This scenario was mentioned at least 5 times that evening). Although he doesn't do anything illegal, he frequently mentions what would happen to him if he spent the night in jail.

 

I could go on and on about the examples, but these were the recent ones from this week. He never says anything derogatory about homosexuals or homosexuality. He was married for 9 years and dated for 4 years after that - when he met me. He also vehemently points out that he loves women, the female form, etc. (I'm thinking that thou does protest too much).

 

We don't live together and because of our opposite work schedules, we very rarely spend the night together, so I am not able to look for signs on the computer, phone calls, etc.

 

So....I'm just wondering if this raises any red flags with anyone. Thinking back through many of my friends and relationships...I've never encountered someone who manages to talk about this on an almost daily basis.

 

Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences?

 

Thank you so much!

[swtsmr93]

I know a bit too much about this subject. Not because I have a problem with someone's choice in sexuality but because of the confusion on my side.

 

My dearest friend ever was acted completely straight when we met. He had a girlfriend. But he was completely hooked on gay chat lines. I found out about it after my husband and I separated and we lived together(platonically)for a while. He kept dating the same woman. He finally decided to be very closeted and try things out with guys. He never went back. His ex girlfriend is still so confused about what happened.

 

The most recent one is a guy I was involved with for about 3 years. He presented as the straightest man's man there ever was. But he slowly let it be known he wanted to be involved with fetishes. Then it was watching gay porn, then it was other things too graphic, then it was finding men for 3 ways. There was no 3 about it. It was 2 guys and I was not too involved. One of the guys said to me he is way, way more experienced than he is admitting to. He had many hook ups without me that he would confirm than deny. Bottom line, he ended things with me to marry another woman. Is it possible to suddenly decide you are not attracted to me? I don't think so but I don't know.

 

OP if you are confused you need to be honest. I don't see where your boyfriend is really raising red flags. Only you can decide what your comfort level with be with this. As for emilily I could almost say ditto to most of what you said!

 

Malapuella I don't know. Possible but if you think something is not right(not as in something is wrong with him if he's gay!)then go with your instincts. My opinion is that some people are truly bi. They love the company of a woman but are more physically attracted to me. I think there are many couples out there who make this work. So if you are comfortable with that potential then there is your answer.

 

It's tough so good luck.

[herenow]

cherry_girl16,

 

your dilemma is just AWFUL.

 

Some thoughts on my part:

 

1) I bet he really DOES love you. As emililly said, no matter what the situation or the outcome, your relationship is not a lie in that sense, no matter what.

 

2) A friend of mine who is gay said that for him it was a very, very slow and painful process of realization that took years. He had real relationships with girls whom he loved when he was younger and had no clue that he was gay at first. Strict religious upbrining, all that, though no homophobia or anything--too compassionate a person for that. Over time he had started to feel curious thoughts and feelings, not sexual at first, gradually sexual, eventually moving to the realm of thinking he was bisexual, then eventually realizing he was full-out gay. He is fully part of the gay community where he lives, and says it is common for women to be true bisexuals, and for men to move through a STAGE of being bisexual before ultimately ending up fully gay. His experience is that most men with bisexual leanings end up being gay with time, even if it takes years or even decades.

 

3) Another friend whose parents eventually divorced because the father was gay was the product of true love between the parents. The mother claims that she knew nothing about the gayness going into the marriage; the father claimed that she did know, but was in denial about it. The father said he truly did love the mother in the beginning. Over the years, the gay part came out into the open and the father couldn't overcome it--he left the family. Still, the love was real.

 

4) Does it concern you that your boyfriend is such a severe homophobe? I guess that although I have no homosexual leanings myself, and though I consdier myself a person who loves God and wants to do right, I would have trouble marrying anyone with a strong prejudice against ANY group of people--including homosexuals. Even if a person believes that homosexuality is a sin for religious reasons (in which case, pride is very SPECIFICALLY listed as a sin. Is your boyfriend free of the sin of pride?), there are far worse sins--and self-righteousness is one of them. Lack of compassion is another. Hypocrisy in believing ones own self to be free of sin is one of the worst sins.

 

Sounds like your boyfriend DOES love you.

 

Hopefully the communication lines remain open and over time his true sexual leanings become clear.

 

 

At the same time, you may want to reconsider the relationship, as wonderful as it has been so far and at though it came at a time when you needed it, for reasons not having to do with the homosexuality issue.

 

The prejudice, the angry defensive reaction and refusal to show you the porn site that you thought might be gay (what does he have to hide if it's not a gay site?), the porn itself even if it is heterosexual porn (are you truly happy with it? People have different views of it. If you aren't comfortable with it, then don't lie to yourself--stay true to that. I find that there is insiduous harm in the objectification of women. That woman in the porn flick or photo does not know what it feels like to be precious and cherished by a man who truly loves her, and is turning to her body as a way to make up for the true caring love she has not been lucky enough to know. I don't like that fact that any man would look upon a woman with dishonor and not see the real live person behind the image. There are men who don't view porn, or who are willing to work on not viewing it even if they currently do have an addiction to it.)

 

How do you feel about being wedded to the above aspects of your boyfriend in the long run?

 

Search your heart and be willing to look at not just the good parts of the relationship, but the parts that may make you uncomfortable, too.

[Red_Rebel]

I'm not sure if this is a good idea...but you could make a fake account on one of those sites and send him a message...

 

naw i dont think that is a very good idea. I did a similar thing before and it gave me nothing but trouble and pain.

 

Like i once made a fake account once to prove if the person that i was with was gonna cheat on me and it was shoking how the person actually responded to my fake account like they werent with anyone at all at the time.

 

Its jus painful cuz when i confronted the person that i was with about it they told me that they swear that they were jus joking around about it...some ridiculous reason and they was sooo soo mad but later on they realized wat they did. A LOT later on but they apologized and said that they isnt like that anymore.

 

PS: i jus hav to say "they" or "person that i was wit" cuz im at school and i don twant nobody reading wat i write when its personal like dis

[cherry_girl16]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your input. I have some more news....

 

After I posted my last response I was in a crappy mood and he could tell the second he called me that evening. I had written a letter that I was going to give him in person but since I was so anxious, I e-mailed it to him. It said how I know about all the groups he had joined, and all I want him to do is be honest with me. What made this approach different was I was no longer asking if he was gay, but more so saying that I know. After saying that, I told him that I don't want him to feel like I am forcing him to come out, and I would never tell anyone about this becuase it is no one else's business (internet forums don't count since none of you know us personally). While he was reading my letter (he stayed on the phone with me while reading it) I could hear him say things under his breath like "yahoo account?" and "what?". After he read it he was actually really calm. I was expecting a huge outburst like the first time but this time he just kept saying "I love you more than anything, I want to be with you, I just want you to realize that this isn't me" and "I don't want you to be sad anymore, I miss my (my nickname)"

 

I didn't know what to think. I felt like an idiot for believing him...but I couldn't help myself. He did some investigating that night. His profile for the account had a different name on it and it listed a near-by city. He searched for that person on yahoo people search and found someone with that name, in that city, with about 7 different email accounts. He seemed really concerned about his info being leaked, and he was positive that someone had somehow gotten his email info.

 

Later that night I still wansn't 100% okay, and I looked at his e-mail....but he had changed his password. I went over to his house the next day and we talked about the situation some more. I asked him if he did anything else to figure out what was going on and he said a little, but he wasn't able to figure anything out. He told me he deleted the yahoo account, and that he changed his e-mail password. I was certain he wasn't going to tell me what the new password was incase he thought I would check it, but he ended up telling me what it was...I was surprised.

 

I also did a little more snooping (I know that's bad but I seriously cannot help it, I'm just trying to protect myself. I'm usually never like this but I think this is a different circumstance). I was over at his house and he was taking a nap becuase he had a headache. I went onto his laptop and searched all of his history (it hadn't been deleted in a while) and I found nothing. There was one female amature porn site that he had visited a while ago, but that really doesn't bother me....it was actually a little relieving.

 

Whenever I'm in a tough situation I have a gut feeling about what is going on, and ususally that gut feeling is right. And this time, I really do believe him when he tells me he is not gay. But then is it weird that once in awhile I start to worry? It doesn't last long, it usually goes away after he sends me random text messages at work, or when he calls me. But it worries me that I worry (if that makes sense). So I guess you could say my gut insticnt is only 90% sure...actually maybe a little more. But I feel like that would only be natural.

 

When I read about people who have been in similar situations, there is always a commonality among their ex's...like the guy never being interested in sex (my boyfriend initiates it 95% of the time), or him having a gay friend, or the guy randomly going out and the girl not knowing where he is. None of that has ever happened with us. And I know I said he was overly homophobic....but it is no where near as bad as what emililly said. He only makes homophobic remarks when he see's gay people on tv and stuff like that. The biggest homophobic thing he's ever done is refuse to watch will and grace with me. I just feel like he's really homophobic because I was raised to love and accept everyone for who they are.

 

So basically what I'm asking now is...am I a complete idiot for staying with him? I know we have a deep connection, I know we make each other extremely happy, and I know everyone who knows us can see it too. I just don't want to be the dumb girl who had all the sings but still believed him when he said that he's not like that. Is there an obvious thing I should be doing right now, but I'm just not doing it?

[swtsmr93]

Unfortunantly there are no easy answers here. I would say that if you are feeling justified in snooping through his things to find answers(yes I have been there)things are not good.

 

I will also say that my friend had an almost identical conversation with his ex-girlfriend. He told her the email account wasn't his, someone had stolen his information, etc. Now it sounds like the email account is not active if I understand correctly? So this doesn't sound like much.

 

Only you can decide if you want to continue. But I do not think it would be wise to keep rehashing this over and over again. You will have to draw the line with yourself and either proceed with the relationship as is or continue to drive yourself nuts trying to figure something out that may or may not be true.

[cherry_girl16]

Okay I'm just gonna sum everything up because lately everything has been fine, but for some reason I started to freak out again today. So here it goes...

 

Reasons why I don't think he's gay:

 

We have an AMAZING sex life. He loves having sex, he will get hard just by laying on a bed and making out with me

 

He always tells me how much he loves my body, and I catch him checking me out a lot. He loves to touch me and he loves to be sexual

 

I thought he was overly homophobic...but then i heard how a truly extreme homophobe acts and I'm starting to second guess myself. I guess I just thought he was realllllly homophobic becuase I grew up in a place that accepts everyone for who they are

 

He's had girlfriends in the past

 

He told me I'm the only person he's ever thought about having a family with

 

He always says he loves me more than anything, that we are soulmates, that he has found his match, and that he wants to be with me forever

 

I can tell by the way he looks at me that he loves me and cares about me so much

 

When I confronted him about everything I had found, I made it very clear that I care about him too much to not have him in my life. That if it is true that he is gay, to please break up with me now, and we can make up a story as to why we broke up so no one will be suspicious. He still said he's not gay and he wants to be with me more than anything in the world.

 

I did some snooping around (I knowwwww that's bad but I had to)...I found absolutely nothing. He changed his email password after thinking the gay sites with his name on them were due to a hacker, but then immediately told me what his new password is. I admit, I will check his e mail every now and then, but there is nothing suspicious. One time when he was napping I checked the history on his computer and I still didn't find anything.

 

He seems extremely happy with me

 

 

Reasons why I'm still scared he might be gay:

 

 

I found all of the old gay porn sites he belonged to....

 

Even though he insists that he did not create them (which can be believable since there was never any history of him talking to anyone on them, and they had been deleted or inactive for over 3 years) I still can't get the first site out of my head. The one where he said he remembers signing up for to get porn (straigth porn) but that his profile said he was a gay 24 year old. His explination for it is that he doesn't even remember making a profile for that, he just signed up to get the porn.

 

He's a DJ and the other night at a party his friends felt bad for me cuase i had no one to dance with. They all started dancing with me to try to make him jealous but all he did was laugh...but that's probably because they were his best friends and he totally trusts them and me.

 

 

So basically I just want to know if I'm insane or if anyone else out there thinks he might not be gay.

 

 

 

 

ps- If there are any gay men out there, would you be able to have passionate sex with a woman, enjoy it, and get extremely turned on by a woman? Also, would you be able to be happy if you were in the closet but in a relationship with a woman as a cover??

 

pps...pss...whatever - keep in mind that I have had extreme trust issues ever since my dad passed away 2 years ago. I've been diagnosed with depression (which is gone for the most part) and OCD (which i still suffer from today). I'm also extremely paranoid and I have anxiey disorder...I can turn anything into a huge issue.

[czattcla2]

No, I used to take viagra to have sex with women when I was in a frat, it worked sort of, like I went soft really quickly... On viagra... Normally I wouldn't even think twice. The way I feel about women is probably the way you do, they are friends but you don't want to have sex with them. Your boyfriend is straight as an arrow, who's more reliable: your boyfriend who you've known and had sex with for awhile, or a porn site which has the lifespan of a few months and can legally do whatever they want with user information especially if they decide to switch from a straight site to a gay site (crappy ones do this alot).

 

ps, Gay site are more profitable than straight.

[alcide]

Take It Light I'm Sure Its Nothing We Women Should Stop Letting Every Thing Come In Our Way To Lose Our Happiness If U Love Him Trust Him Besides He Has Nothing To Hide. Just For This One Thing Problems Can Occure Be Careful.

[ricanboy]

well u should giv himm a chance thats 4 sur but he could be bi but if he luvs u giv him a cahnce to prov himself

[sara12345]

Hi there,

 

I know your post is old, but I just thought I'd give you my story, not that yours will end this way, but it's just good to hear other sides.

 

I'm 24, live in New York City---if you're gonna be in the closet, why would you feel you had to in THIS city?--and my boyfriend of three years came out last June. We had fantastic sex, he almost always initiated it! There were ZERO physical signs. We were always told what a great couple we were--the best anyone had met!

 

He does NOT claim he is bi. He told me "I'm gay." He had never been with a man. And except for his conservative upbringing, I have no idea what took him so long to leave the closet.

 

I knew he watched straight porn, we'd even watched it together! I'd asked him point-blank if he was gay (just because I worry about EVERYTHING)! But there were never any signs. (though my ex was NEVER jeaouls either)

 

My only advice is to listen to your gut. When someone has a secret, there is usually a sort of void that the OTHER tries to overcompensate for. I was always loving him a LITTLE bit more than he loved me in return. I always felt a little off balance. Make sure this is resolved BEFORE marriage and children. A gay man will always be a gay man, even if he marries a women. Make sure you're getting 100% love. If you feel like something missing, it probably is.

 

--Sara

[TheChicagoOne]

I am gay man and I will tell you exactly!

 

In perspective, some men are attracted to men but they do not lable themselves as gay or perhaps bi. Their propensity to carry out that attraction can be in conflict with family values, not wanting to hurt their Mother or Father, not be embarrassed with other brothers in his family, perceptive peer presure, cultural expectations and religious standards and job related strightness. Some men are so uptight about it, they would consider it a personal attack to be asked or accused and will be severly defensive. (People get defensive when they have a sense of loss, whether real or perceived, and this is a loss of privacy, control and outing, so be for warned)!

 

If you are in a relation ship for a period of time or feeling it may become serious but have doubts, here are some observations to watch for:

 

When in public, see where his eyes are looking at. If he is most always looking at women, that probably is a good test right there. If he follows men too or mostly men, then there is an issue. Do not be obvious that you are looking. Collect this information over time (lets say a month or a bit more).

 

If your observations are that he is watching mainly men and not that many women, it is time to sit down and say YOU have a confession, and say I respect any answer you give me, but I happen to notice you are looking at allot of men when we are out in public and I would honestly like to know before anything gets serious between us, if you are bi or gay? (This gives him an important honest out without offending you if he is gay or bi).

 

If he responds with something like, I am very comfortable with my sexualty and I am straight and I still look at guys competitively and how the dress and look, so be it.

 

If he gets upset, and says that's BS and your full of it, he could be offended that you would ask such a question as a straight man might be.

 

However, if he is defensive, that is a sign of loss and he just might not be comfortable talking about it.

 

If he turns red out of embarrassment, there is your answer.

 

Sex is a serious attraction. We are hard wired and anyone who beleives they can marry a gay man and force him to be yours, is fooling themself to be let down hard some day. I just do not see the attaction going away, and in fact leads to severe frustration, relationship deviation and a host of other problems I have seen plenty of.

 

How do your know your straight? When you are attracted to the opposite sex. How do you know your gay? When you are attracted to the same sex. The only "choice" is when a normally straight person swings the other way because they are not scared to try it. NOT because they are attracted to the same sex.

 

It's better to suport who you are and who others are unconditionally as a person.

 

A critical issue is not telling others if he is not out. If you do tell others, you will feel anger and revenge and no appologies will be good enough. So if you can not trust yourself to shut up, you might not choose to have the conversation with him about where his eyes travel and just say you are not as happy with the relationship and just move on promptly.

 

One thing, most gay men, straight and bi look at big or nice racks. That is NOT the straight test.

[allendean]

if the man has never given you any other reason to think he is gay or has gay tendencies then leave it alone.just like he said if he had anything to hide then he wouldnt have given you all his passwords.i can see that as being a coincedence.i try to create an account sometimes and i type in my name like bill94 and someone already has it.the name i typed in couldve belonged to a gay midget transvestite or something.on the other hand the only porn he couldve got from that site would be gay porn.watch him a little closer now but dont be obvious he will get really mad.you know him better than anyone else do you think he could be gay?

[username 123]

Just because you think so Doesn't mean he would feel that way.

[nephtys]

This is really odd. I also sometimes think my boyfriend is bisexual or maybe gay because I doesn't seem to enjoy sex and I also saw some gay sites in his browser. However, there are porn sites in mine as wlel although I rarely watch porn. When you go on websites and there are pop-up porn websites, they appear in your history, and if you clicked on something accidently our out of non-sexual curiosity, it already looks like you've been surfin' on it.

 

Of course, the fact that he was signed up on some is a little confusing... I had a boyfriend once who was signed up on all these porn sites and I googled his nickname only after we had split up and was shocked by the number of pages he was signed onto. I confronted him as I found websites where he had been begging girls to let him watch them on webcam while we were together. I get touchy when guys are signed up on websites. You don't need to be signed up somewhere to watch porn... so that always makes me warry.

 

My exboyfriend claimed he did not sign up on these websites. Now he finally admits it, but for one year he kept telling me that someone had stolen his name and password. I always thought it was complete nonsense. If someone stole is nickname and personal information to sign up on these websites, how would they know his password and why would they use it??

[songboy]

I find some of your evidence for why your boyfriend isn't gay in the beginning of your question rather offensive. I am gay and while I may not be the picture of masculinity I know plenty of gay men who are incredibly "butch". I also know that I am "a real 'man'", sexual preference doesn't dictate gender role. I know gay men who go to the gym for the sake of staying fit. I also know a number of conservative Catholic homosexuals. I am not saying that your boyfriend is gay. I am just saying that before you start looking for "signs" know that there may not be any. Liking guys doesn't mean you automatically gain fashion sense and a lisp. Also many gay men who are still in the closet are the most homophobic people out there because if they hate gays then nobody will find out that they themselves are gay. Furthermore if he "once had homosexual feelings" I'm sorry but those don't go away. I have NEVER had "heterosexual feelings" and never will. He may have been curious and just wanted to experiment which is fine but unless he's willing to open up and tell you about his past it is frankly none of your business. What is your business is what goes on in your lives now and in the future. If he leaves you for a dude down the road, so be it. You just need to let him figure this out for himself and if you push the issue it will only make him more defensive and it will strain your relationship.

[buddha55]

i think the fact that most of these websites require you to make a profile and then send you a link to "activate it" even if info was leaked to make an active profile you must click on the link from your email.

 

but, you know him better than any of us and even though it's a detailed post we can't really know.

[aandy]

I don't think people are bi. I think they're either straight gay or confused but that's just my opinion.

 

Just thought i'd say i'm gay and my boyfriend is bi. Bisexuality isn't some kind of confusion. It's a preference like gay and straight. He genuinely likes girls and guys. This doesn't put any pressure on him to just be a * * * * about it and go off with both.

I doubt there's any confusion with my guy about his bisexuality. He likes guys and girls alike. I don't see why this doesn't exist?

It's not like greedy or anything because he's going out with me. But this doesn't stop him liking girls. I don't get it :S

[anongirlie]

I think he is gay