How do I kindle passion that may have never been there?

[Kings heart]

I have been married almost 3 decades. I realized that I had NO passion for my wife the night I married her. And it went downhill from there due to me. By that, I mean that after trying to talk to her several times about my sexual needs/wants? She would begin crying and telling me that she could or would not ever be able to satisfy me. Because I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, I got heavily involved in my chuch, my job, ect.ect.. I literally gave her whatever she mentioned.Trips, cars, jewlery, you name it. All the while being completely miserable. I am a above average earner/provider.

After 21 years of marriage, I got involved in a business lawsuit mostly due to my good ol' boy attitude and still believeing a mans word was good. Well, when my attny informed me that I stood to lose everything I ever worked for or hoped to have, I went home and told my wife that if I ever needed her as a woman, I needed her then. She called me a pervert for wanting sex at a time like that. I truly wanted the comfort of my wifes arms.

Well, that did it. I took my pillow off the bed and moved to the couch and told her that this would be my new bed. After several months, I agreed to see a marriage counseler. She didn't like the first one so we went to another. To make a long story short, after 3 1/2 years of counseling, I had had it. Mad at God, mad at the world, mad at myself. Then the inevitable happened. I had an affair. Turns out my wife had hired a PI to follow me, confronted me, and then informed me that she was going to destroy me. So, reluctantly, I moved back home. She forgave me, but the draw to this other woman was overwhelming due to the fact that she gave me what I had always wanted. True passion, intimacy, and romance. And a LOT of sex. After a few months, I couldn't stand it. Stupidly, I went back for more. Then I told my wife we needed to divorce. Well, you can imagine her response. I broke it off again, and still don't see the other woman, yet want to go back. I live in constant derision. My wife now owns everything due to the lawsuit, and I have regained previous business status if not more, and yet my wife, with which I have NO passion or desire has informed me that I can leave anytime I want, but she will get everything I have ever had, or hope to have. I feel so trapped yet really am not I guess. Can ANYONE tell me how to learn to love this woman as a man should? My only daughter is my princess and I want to stay at least as long as she is my responsibility. (11 years old)

[Ball Four]

and yet my wife, with which I have NO passion or desire has informed me that I can leave anytime I want, but she will get everything I have ever had, or hope to have.

 

She won't get everything you hope to have. If you hope to have a loving relationship she can't touch that. She can't take away the happiness you will feel when she's out of your life.

[Batya33]

Why did you choose to have a child in this situation and why do you think an affair was "inevitable" rather than a specific choice you made? I have heard of marriages where one partner was unhappy due to no sex life and instead of cheating, he left his wife first and then started dating. Many examples like that.

 

It seems a bit extreme that she wants everything but you gave her that power and leverage when you chose to have an affair - my guess is that she won't get "everything" but it depends I suppose whether you want to pay her or the lawyers/

 

To rekindle passion I would think back to the passion you felt when you proposed, when you were dating and go from there but she needs to be able to trust you to be able to feel true passion so you need to prove to her that you will never have an affair again and how you plan to go about keeping that promise.

[someguy335]

Follow your heart more than anything..

 

 

don't love her "as a man should" unless you want to... Are you going to follow some precedents some other people decided, or go with what you believe is right? That, and write songs about your life, you sound like an interesting person.

 

Sorry I couldn't help

[Kings heart]

No offense, but I have given this woman a Queens life. She drive a new XJR for goodness sake! Her thoughts, and my attorneys, are that she is so spoiled, she will convince a judge that she "deserves" to live the life she is accustomed to, andf I will end up a pauper paying for her to live large

[Kings heart]

My heart, which I know God gave me, tells me anything is possible. We didn't have our child until we had been married 16 years, and only then because she "decided" that it was now or never. I love kids, and always have. Would have more if it were possible.

[Batya33]

I think until you take responsibility for your choice to have an affair and get rid of the mindset that giving her material things were sufficient to be a good husband rather than leaving her early on so she could find someone who could be a real husband - and until you take responsibility for your decision to have a child with her - you won't be able to have a relationship with her much less a passionate one. In addition you are now so angry at her that I don't see where you can have true passion. I understand that she is taking some advantage of the situation but you chose to cheat on her and it is not unusual for someone to react as your wife is.

[Kings heart]

I know that the affair is completely my choice. As was my complete aversion to saying no to her wants. I am angry at myself. Not sure I have any self respect at this point. I guess the pull of the affair is still so overwhelming and yet I know it was destructive. The other woman was/is a total control nut. Wanted to hide me out in her home and keep me up from now on as her love toy I guess. But as my tag impies, I have a kings heart, and it does live free. I thrive on adventure nad new ideas. My wife has argued with me over my business deals but never stopped me from any of them. A great Mom to our little girl. And yet, I feel so dead due to the fact that there is absolutely no sizzle in the BR. May as well get a inflatable doll. I always blamed myself, but the affair proved to me that lovemaking is an experience, not an event. Made me thank God I am a man.

[Puckdog27]

The thing that bothers me most about my divorce is I broke a vow. Can you be OK breakin a vow? Its that thought that keeps me awake at night.

 

BTW - The grass isnt greener. Its full of piles of dog sh*t.

[Haven]

No offense, but I have given this woman a Queens life. She drive a new XJR for goodness sake! Her thoughts, and my attorneys, are that she is so spoiled, she will convince a judge that she "deserves" to live the life she is accustomed to, andf I will end up a pauper paying for her to live large

So maybe you *shouldn't* have spoiled her? Can't you get a separate bank account?

 

If you're only staying there for your daughter, then I don't see why you need to "love" your wife. If it's because you think you need to "love" her in order to live with her, then you have to decide.. which is more important to you, your own happiness or your daughter's happiness?

 

And if it's not your daughter, then I have no idea why you're still there. If you don't want to leave because then your wife will get "everything," then you can't complain about it. If you really valued your freedom that much, you'd already be gone.

[Kings heart]

I guess it boils down to the thought that I have that a man should have at least some desire for his wife. I feel so dead. And I did break the vow. So did my wife in refusing to submit to me. God forgives, that much I know. Yet, at this point in my life, 46 years old, I feel as though I am becomimg a miserable old man. My daughter will grow up and leave, and we will be stuck in this rut for the rest of our lives. In all of the counseling, it became obvious that most marriages had that fire or passion to begin with and then something happens. I want to think that something was there, yet I married a professed virgin that complained the very first time we had sex. I had been with women before we met and told her so. I am not trying to brag, just clairify that I am a kind, slow, gentle spirit that thinks God made the human bodies as He did to enjoy one another. Yet, when I tried giving her pleasure as I had other women, she claimed it felt too good! Almost like she can't even allow herself pleasure. I truly don't understand. So, after several years of trying, I gave up. Now as I read about those who have tried moving to greener pastures, I understand that it is not always that way. And to top it off, what would that teach my daughter? We have a beautiful home with land, I have a separate 5 bay garage to entertain my hobbies in, and yet I feel as though I am in prison. Of course that is not true but it just seems so futile. Pointless. I ask again, how can I kindle passion that may never have been there?

[Puckdog27]

Do you mean passion or sex? For passion, try to become friends again. AND STOP WONDERING WHATS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. ITS A PILE OF SH*T over on the other side. I carried mail for 3 years and even people who dont have a dog have sh*t in their yard. I have a dog, but I make a point to clean up the sh*t. SO I know I can have clean shoes in my own yard. See what I am saying?

 

I am 37 - everything I have came accross on the other side has so much baggage I feel like a freakin skycap. And I'm not judging, I have baggage of my own too! You are 46? The baggage seems to only get worse. Its expotential. The reason? Most people carry baggage from relationship to relationship with out looking at the past as a retrospective to why their relationships failed. Did you ever notice people who seem to go from one bad relationship to the next? Its not that they are unlucky. Its that they never fix themselves. They never pick up the sh*t in thier yard.

[Cimmie]

Sorry, but you sound a bit narcissistic to me. Why should you assume your wife would be happy with material things?

Everyone wants to be understood. You said you married a 'professed virgin'. If sex is so important to you, why did you want your wife to be a virgin and then complain you felt no desire for her on your wedding night? Come on! I suspect you are not the only one feeling rejected here.

Bottom line: you should have left the marriage before having an affair.

'The inevitable happened'--take responsibility for your own behaviour, for goodness sake. You can't have your cake and eat it.

[Puckdog27]

Bottom line: you should have left the marriage before having an affair.

'The inevitable happened'--take responsibility for your own behaviour, for goodness sake. You can't have your cake and eat it.

 

Actually, neither should be an option. Wish I had realized that. I know alot of divorced people who regret getting divorced. I know very few that are happy about it. Unless abuse was involved.

[Cimmie]

Actually, neither should be an option. Wish I had realized that. I know alot of divorced people who regret getting divorced. I know very few that are happy about it. Unless abuse was involved.

 

 

Agree. Abuse was involved in my case. But I'm sick of whining about that, because it makes you sounds like the eternal victim, and it makes you despise yourself for not leaving sooner.

Kings Heart, you say your wife broke her vow in 'refusing to submit to you.' Erm, that's not a particularly equitable approach to the sexual exchange, I'd say. No woman wants to feel she must 'submit'. I'd try thinking about what her sexual or emotional needs are/were for once.

Sounds like something out of D.H. Lawrence.

[This Little Lady]

I think it was actually more important on the wife's side to understand her husband's want for sexual exploration with his martial partner. I mean it is a lot better than having him cheat on you. And its not like its out of the sanctity of marriage if you have a lot of sex with your wife. It sounded like she was unwilling to talk about the subject let alone try it, which caused some complications. Its important to grow sexually in a relationship and keep a spark going throughout it.

 

Sure you can blame him for taking the steps to have the affair. But he can't be blamed for all of it. There was an aspect of his marriage that his wife could have helped with. Or at least given some thought too. I do have to raise some suspicious for materialistic needs.

 

There must be something there he loved about her. Even if the passion died before they got married. It is up to the people within that relationship to keep a spark going. But it does make me curious as to was there passion in the first place. Like before when you were dating. Was there passion there? Cause like everyone said if you got married and the excitement of going on honeymoon didn't thrill you. Then maybe there is no passionate attraction. If there isn't anything keeping you with her than maybe it would be in your best interest to let it be. This article might help if you are looking to rekindle something with your wife.

 

link removed

 

This might help, it might not. I think it is up to you to decide what you want to do. If you want your wife, try it. If you don't maybe it will be useful someday.

[Kings heart]

She was SO passionate during making out that I never really believed she was a virgin. until the first time. Marrying a virgin was never important to me. However saving herself for marraige was VERY important to her. But you are right in that she didn't want to talk about it. And yet I have such a passive compliant personality that I would never push too hard for fear of her becoming dejected. It was along about the second year of marraige that I decided that maybe giving in to her every wish would cause her to trust me enough to allow me sexual freedom. Submitting unto me is a biblical phrase that I would NEVER use dictatorially. Submitting unto my patient urgings however seemed VERY plausable since I would never hurt a fly, much less my wife on purpose.

[This Little Lady]

Well you know the song money can't buy me love. I'm curious to know if you were passionate about her however? Well I'm actually guessing that since you wanted to be more sexually with her in the beginning perhaps you did have a strong passionate attraction to her. Maybe it was the whole "I don't want to explore sex" which turned you off from her.

 

If you want to work this situation out it would probably be best to talk to her.

Explain that you had at one time wanted to explore her and she denied you. I would suggest not putting it in a way that makes it sound like "you didn't give me sex" as I just did.

 

I see it perhaps in a different light then most. I see it as something sacred and amazing. I admit I didn't wait until marriage because I felt like I had reached the point where I wanted to express the body of the word and make love to my boyfriend.

 

I understand the whole religious stand on it. But not be sensual with your husband in anyway or exploring new ways to express your love to each-other.

I don't know how to love someone fully and give yourself over to them fully without taking that step in a relationship. I'm not arguing that it is bad to be a virgin. I'm just saying that in the position you were in. I believe it isn't sinful to want to try different things with your wife.

 

It sounded like you were pretty patient and when she wasn't willing to talk about it then you started looking for a different outlet. It was not the best way to do it. But if you are both willing to work at this then. There could be hope for your marriage.

[LLammas]

Kings Heart, your verbiage hints at a larger problem. You use your wife's refusal to "submit" to you as some manner of justification for cheating on her. You sound like a narcissist and a mysoginist, and frankly I wouldn't want to sleep with that, either.

 

You said yourself that you have a "good old boy" attitude. Maybe your wife would be a bit more receptive if you dropped that, dropped your idiotic notions, and treated her like a human being.

[Kings heart]

Wow. I am sorry I came accross that way. I believe that God made woman to compliment and complete a man, and man to lift her up, protect and provide for her. I am sorry if that sounds a little old fashioned, but there are only 2 immutable facts, there is a God, and I ain't Him. There is a reason He made us male and female. There really is no greater form of worship than when we look to the heavens and thank God for who he made us. However we are. If we, through our own selfish reasons, refuse others the joy of being who and what we are, we only shortchange ourselves and those around us. And ESPECIALLY those of or own household.

[LLammas]

Not to jump all over your post, but this is a messageboard for relationship help, not discussions on Christianity. I find your attitudes on women flippant and archaic, and it's utterly obnoxious that you plead for help amongst ena'ers by using the old "she forced me to cheat" excuse.

 

Man up and stop blaming your problems on your wife, your gender, or your God.

[This Little Lady]

I would say that it was probably I who encouraged this "she forced me to cheat" excuse. Since I thought his wife's religious stance on sex might have hindered their sexual relationship, since it is an aspect of expressing love. I mean if you are married to someone you want to express your love to them physically. In some marriage the spark dies because there is no lust in the bedroom or there is no will to spice things up. You have to keep all aspects of a relationship healthy. If one does not want to discuss sex or even have it I think that would create problems.

 

Sure he has cheated but it sounds like he is looking for a way to make it work. It may not seem the best way to re-start a marriage questioning feelings and

passion. But at least he's staying with her and is willing to give it a shot. He just is trying to find some advice and find a place to start from.

 

I think with the religious bit there he was trying to say he respects his wife as well as her beliefs. I think he has manned up to it by telling his wife "I want to try and make this work". A lesser man would have probably cowered from the situation rather than confront it.

 

But then again I am no expert.

[LLammas]

Thanks This Little Lady, I understand where you're coming from as far as religious views toward sex go.

 

It was the comment in his post about her breaking their marital vows by refusing to submit that got me all riled up. I get very angry when people blame others for their inappropriate behavior, particularly when they blame the victim. I get even angrier when people use Christianity as an excuse to be sexist and stupid. >.

[This Little Lady]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I've been in a relationship where the guy who was sexist because his parents were ultra religious.

 

Again though I think I invoked "the blame" a little. Just because I think that its important after 21 years of marriage to be able to talk about sex and explore it. There are a lot of things that can happen with marriage when if you stifle one aspect of it. Breakdowns in communication, loss of feelings, fear of loss of feelings.

 

I don't think he really placed any idea that she had a lot to do with this until I entered the conversation. Thats all. But I understand your point.

[Kings heart]

I really didn't come on here to discuss Christianity. I also apologize for getting ANYONE riled up as that was not my intent. As far as the discussion goes on my or my wifes spiritual beliefs, we met in church, received pastoral counseling, married, and as far as I was concerned, were on our way to living a biblical marriage. It had always been my hope coming from a divorced home, that I would NEVER divorce. I still do not want a divorce. Or maybe I should say don't want to be divorced. I love my home, my child, and as far as all that goes, I love my wife as a person, just not as a woman. I have never been down this road in life. Yet I seek the collective wisdom of others as I do believe that as long as there is breath, there is hope. I take FULL responsibility for my affair. That was my choice. I filled what I percieved as a legitimate need in a illigitiment way. However, I do believe that life is a gift, and should be enjoyed to the fullest extent one is capable of. I am 46 and guess am just like everyone else, I just want to be happy and fulfilled. I again am sorry for riling anyone up, just desperately looking for advice.