How do I kindle passion that may have never been there?

[samross]

I think the rile that these posts seem to have raised shows how painful his situation is whether it is his fault or not. I feel for him even though some feel he wouldn't deserve it. Yes, he did cheat. Obviously, that is not right. No one forced him to do that. He made a choice. And it is never the right choice. And the situation in his life doesn't justify it. When you're in pain you reach out for anything that will make you feel better. And somtimes that 'better' only will make things worse for you. Been there. Done that.

Kings Heart:

I know what it feels like to feel you're in a cage and the rest of the world is going on without you. If you want to stay in the marriage, stay for the right reasons. Not for the child just for the child's sake. You will only continue to be miserable. Children survive divorce. Is IS painful and it can be very traumatic. I've seen it first hand with friends and family more times than I care to remember. I don't mean to sound flippant as far as children are concerned but you don't see trees filled with the skeletons of little kittens that couldn't climb back down. My point is life will go on for them and they will be OK as long as YOU remain an important part of their life.

 

If you drew a circle representing your life and a circle representing your wife's life, how much of each circle would overlap when it comes to things you have in common? Now ask yourself, for the amount that the two circles overlap, will it be enough for you and/or her? Can you accept that that is as good as it will ever get the rest of your life? Are the two of you willing to try to increase the size of that overlap? If the answer is no for either question then you know what you need to do. If the answer is yes, then commit to working on what you have and quit worrying that there's someone else out there that will make you whole because it is a myth. Only YOU and your faith can make you whole.

[This Little Lady]

Your last words were quite inspiring there samross. SO many people over use the phrase "you complete me". Marriage is not about becoming one. It is about two people coming together. Which is why when those two parts aren't working together the complications start to take root.

[samross]

This Little Lady:

Thank you. I agree with you. I hope my comments help him. Just writing it helped me a bit today and today I need it.

[Kings heart]

Thank you all. I guess I have come to realize that if a man has a kings heart, he will be a king wether he is bound or free. My faith tells me I am whole. My manhood tells me I need more. My wife is a good person. I guess I have come to know that it is her insecurities that don't allow her freedom. Especially not sexually. She admitted as much to me today. And she has no idea at all what she is afraid of. But she is afraid. Fear will bound us all. Faith frees us. Even when in captivity.

[Batya33]

If you need more, your faith requires that you not have sex outside of marriage, right?

[Kings heart]

That is correct. And I have admitted my mistake. Yet I yearn for a satisfying sex life. I guess it was too much to want. There are issues in this I now realize may have not been addressed. My seemingly overt sexual needs, and her extreme needs for security. I think my kings heart mentality actually fueled her fears rather than soothe them. My trying to buy her security only broke my will to continue trying and then my self respect in my faith. We are calling off the divorce for now it seems and she is willing to resume counseling.

[Batya33]

You are entitled to your needs and when you take vows, you give up the entitlement to fulfil your s_xual needs outside of the marriage. You also gain all the benefits of marriage. It's a balancing only you can do.

[Cimmie]

Thank you all. I guess I have come to realize that if a man has a kings heart, he will be a king wether he is bound or free. My faith tells me I am whole. My manhood tells me I need more. My wife is a good person. I guess I have come to know that it is her insecurities that don't allow her freedom. Especially not sexually. She admitted as much to me today. And she has no idea at all what she is afraid of. But she is afraid. Fear will bound us all. Faith frees us. Even when in captivity.

 

Hum, pardon me for bringing up the religious thing again, but for a lot of women, religious strictures which have been innured from a young age would tend to stifle sexuality. I have a feeling your wife's fears, or her feelings that sexual pleasue is somehow 'wrong' might very well stem from this. Strict Christianity tells women that their sexuality is responsible for a lot of the world's ills. Have a read of St. Paul. For a woman, being a strict Christian and being sexually free can be conflictual.

[Kings heart]

You are right. Although I would think that after almost 3 decades of living with a man that considers long foreplay a GREAT thing, she would certainly realize I never meant her anything but pleasure and blessings. Even the most strict of teachings seemingly would be overcome by love and affection. I think this is just a lack of desire on her part. Are there not women out there that can just take it or leave it?

[Puckdog27]

There are both men and women out there that can take it or leave it.

 

If in 30 years lack of sex is the big ordeal, you need to do some serious thinking of what you may be throwing away. Good sex is rare. Most people suck at it.

[Kings heart]

That is a cosideration, especially after the last few days. My wife, even though extremely insecure, and seemingly never able to have enough security to fill her need, has been with a man that has a kings heart. I have tried over and over and over to make her feel secure enough to try and make love as a lover, but there is never enough trips, money house, car, ect, I guess, to make her feel secure in her life. Yet, I want it all. I have everything but. All the "stuff seems useless if you are not fufilled. And I am not. Yet, my wife NEVER holds onto me. I mean that if I say I would like to go to a car show in another state, and I will be gone for a couple of days, no problem. Almost as though she is glad to see me enjoy myself in that way, or glad to get rid of me? I don't know. Recently went on a business trip and was gone for 15 days straight, and she is secure enough to run the household without falling apart. And we own several rental properties she manages. Yet, I am still woefully unfulfilled. I try and convince myself that it could be worse. But when a man feels so low he considers death a good thing, are we really living? It is just that this insecurity thing causes my wife to view any of my achievements as inferior, and any of my failures as colossal. This just sucks.